I saw her again today. I don’t know if she noticed me though. Joy had always tried her best to avoid looking at me after our WGM ended. I don’t know if she’s been trying to not be awkward with me or she’s doing the same thing as I do. Nevertheless, I’m not very happy about this situation. But who am I to complain? I started it first anyway.

I just envy my hyungs sometimes. They can talk freely with her and her members. I wish I could do the same. Sometimes I regret joining WGM. Maybe if I hadn’t joined, then I wouldn’t be in this situation. But then again, if I hadn’t join WGM, I don’t think I would have met and had gotten close with Joy. I mean we’ve been in the same room, the same stage before WGM, but I never had any previous interactions with her.

I feel so conflicted. Joy, what are you doing to me? Look at me.. Even just a glance will do, please…

I saw Eunkwang-hyung stood up. He’s looking intently at me. Shoot. He must have seen me staring at Joy. His stare is that of a warning... and a bit of pity. Sigh… I know. I know.

I look at the camera that was zooming near me. Yeah, I should stop. I smiled, quite a big one. I made sure it reached my eyes so I would be looking as if I’m the happiest person in the room. Inside, I feel empty.

When the camera was not focusing on us anymore, I glanced at Joy again. Joy looked so beautiful and happy. I feel a bit betrayed. How can she be happy without me? Ugh, stop that Sungjae. Just be happy for her. Besides, it’s your fault… yeah, it’s my fault.

I feel my self-pity wallowing up inside me that I almost cried. Almost. I can’t cry though, so I tried hard to smile as wide as I can and not look at anyone, especially my members. But when I can’t take it anymore, I excused myself for a quick toilet break.

When I was inside the cubicle, I laughed at how ridiculous I am. Wow Sungjae, what the hell is happening to you?

“Sungjae?” I heard Changsub-hyung’s voice. I was surprised and I immediately wiped off my tears.

I laughed, trying to hide the fact that I just cried, “Miss me already?”

Changsub-hyung laughed, “No, but eomma Minhyuk does. Come on, let’s go back.”

I flushed the toilet to seem that I actually took a dump when in reality I just sat there. I teased Changsub-hyung that I didn’t washed my hands and touched him, he was shrieking like a banshee. I kept laughing, I almost forgot how lonely my heart is.

Changsub-hyung finally stopped screaming when we’re nearing back to the awarding hall; on the other hand, I’m still laughing, Suddenly, I felt strong and warm arms wrapped around my shoulders. I looked at Changsub-hyung with a mixture of disgust and confusion.

“Waeyo?” I asked. He just looked at me and patted my head. Then he dragged me to our table. I got a glimpse of Joy again. Surprisingly, she was looking at me. I don’t know exactly what to feel, but I do know I feel a bit happier. Although she quickly looked away, I’m still glad she did looked at me and that our eyes met even for even just a second.

////

What am I doing here?

What in the world was I thinking coming here alone?

I took a sip of my drink. At least I’m alone; I still have the sense to rent for a private lounge. I can still do my thing peacefully.

But still, why the hell did I follow her here after hearing about their group’s after party?

 I looked outside my lounge and saw some of the boys being rowdy. Curious, I glanced at the side they were looking. And the view left my mouth agape.

She’s there. She’s looking as beautiful as ever and without even trying too much. But wait…

That’s skirt is a little too short. And isn’t it too cold for sleeveless top?

I quickly glared at the boys who are clearly staring at her.

I know she’s beautiful but stop staring at her. Joy is more than just legs and arms, idiots.

If this was back then, I would have grabbed Joy out of everyone’s sight.

But…

I sighed.

I want to go back to that time when I can just stay by her side.

I sighed and sipped my drink while looking intently at Joy. I hope she hears my thoughts.

But she’s too busy socializing.

I have no choice but to tell those boys not look so predatorily at Joy. I made sure my face was hidden well before I stepped out of the room. I looked around to see if anyone will notice me or recognize me, before I went straight to the crowd of guys who are all staring at Joy.

:”You should not stare at her. That’s considered disrespectful.” I said on my lowest and firmest voice.  Uh, oh… I can feel the tension rise when all of them looked at me.

“So what if we’re staring? We’re just appreciating her beauty. Shouldn’t she be more thankful?”

I can feel my blood boil and the next thing I knew, the guy who spoke was on the floor and his buddies are all threatening me.

“WHOAH! Can you all leave him alone? He’s right, you know?” said a familiar voice. That brought me back to my senses. Yeri.

 “Staring is rude especially since you did not even asked for her permission. You are not entitled to appreciate us; we already know how hot we are. We don’t need to thank you.” All the guys were just gaping at her, “Now, scram before I call the security.”

Although, Yeri is small in stature, her fiery eyes can send chills down your spine. No wonder, those boys scram in no time.

I was also about to go when I heard Yeri’s small voice, “Wait.” I glanced at her and I noticed she was looking at me with a knowing gaze, “You should be more careful. You’re quite obvious… Sungjae-oppa”

I froze. I just stared at Yeri, still in a state of shock. How can this girl realize who I am? I know I’m completely covered.

“Yeri!” An oh-so familiar voiced shouted. I panicked and quickly I went to my private lounge. Once I know I’m alone and safe from being recognized, I went to look outside and check if Joy noticed anything or if Yeri will say that she saw me.

This is what I saw: Joy was talking to Yeri who is looking around, must be looking for me. Joy tapped her and asked something worriedly. Yeri sighed and shook her head. Joy smiled widely, grabbed Yeri’s hand and excitedly led her somewhere.

I sighed in relief. I really should go.

But I didn’t.

Not until I had a glimpse of Red Velvet members stepping into their car.

//////////

I made sure I was silently going in the house. It is still 4:00am. I’m pretty sure everyone is still asleep.

“Where have you been?” I almost jumped.

“Peniel-hyung! You scared me.” I said, then I quickly looked around to check if anyone else is awake. I sighed in relief when it’s just Peniel-hyung, “Shhh… don’t be too loud, someone might hear you.”

“Did you go out partying all night?” Peniel asked,

“Yeah, a bit…” I said ambiguously as no to not get caught.

Peniel-hyung’s eyes got that worried look, “You look tired though. You should rest.”

“Okay, I’ll go to my room now. Goodnight.” I said as I dashed out of the room. “Go back to sleep too Hyung! It’s rare to have an off day like today.”

/////

I just woke up and I feel so annoyed.

For some reason, I think everyone in the dorm is kind of wary of me. I don’t know. I just feel a bit distant from them. Maybe it’s because I’m not exactly myself and the fact that I’m always away as I grabbed as many opportunity as I can. I kept myself busy after I filmed Goblin. I had so many CF offers locally and abroad, I took this chance to promote BTOB as well. I can feel that our popularity is increasing, this is the least I can do for my hardworking hyungs. Also, this might help me forget about Joy.

Still, I wonder why they keep talking in hushed whispers when I’m around. And when I walk in on them, they just stare at me. Like what’s happening right now.

“Okay… I can’t do this anymore. What’s going on?” I asked.

“Nothing.” Ilhoon-hyung said nonchalantly. I’m annoyed.

“Okay.” I said. Maybe my annoyance showed in my face because Peniel-hyung came to me and asked me to play with him. So at least, Peniel-hyung is on my side, and he did not rat my activities last night to the other hyungs. Thank you, Peniel!

“Peniel, I don’t think it’s time for Sungjae to play. He’s been busy and hardly gets home. I’m sure he didn’t get enough rest. Let him rest.” Minhyuk-hyung said. I almost rolled my eyes, Minhyuk-hyung is being a mother again. But then, I know he’s just thinking of me. Also, I do need sleep considering what I did last night. I didn’t really sleep earlier since I was monitoring if there are any bad news about Joy or if anyone else recognized me being at the party.

“I guess I can play later, wanna go play football?” We don’t have anything scheduled for today so I’m confident they’ll all be available later. They all agreed, as I’ve thought. I went to my room and locked my door. I do want to be alone.

But then curiosity got the better of me. I want to hear what they’re talking about. So I pressed my ears on the door, hoping I can hear them talk.

“I’m worried.” I heard Minhyuk-hyung said, it was a bit muffled as they’re still talking as quietly as they can.

“He’s been working himself to death.” Minhyuk-hyung added, “I’m grateful that he’s been promoting us along with his tv shows and guestings. No one works as hard as he does to promote us. But he does not rest at all. I’m worried of him.”

“He’s always been a hardworking, but I guess ending WGM with Joy and not being able to interact with her is making him stressed.” Ilhoon-hyung stated. “He’s been so serious these days when he thinks we’re not looking.”

“Ughhh… who wouldn’t be stressed? I’m not even Sungjae and I’m stressed for him. I don’t understand why he can’t interact with Joy?”  Changsub-hyung stated. It was silent. Ahhh… so they knew, huh? I guess I’m a bad actor. Maybe I should step my game up a bit more.

‘It’s something I don’t like about our job. Media always blow things out of proportion, like how my hair loss became an issue. I just really don’t understand how my personal relationship with others might affect me being an idol.” Peniel-hyung said, which surprised me. Most of the time, Peniel-hyung keeps his opinion to himself, but I guess they really care about me.

Peniel-hyung continued, “It’s not like we lost our talent because we fell in love with someone. Most of the time, we even find our muses when we fall in love.  We become happier and it shows in our face. So I don’t understand why dating can be so scandalous.”

“Not everyone is as accepting or as open-minded as we are. I know this might sound rude, but most fans think they own their idols and do not let anyone have him. I think Sungjae is just scared that our fans will hate him, even worse our band, just because he likes Joy.” Ilhoon-hyung stated. He sounds a bit annoyed.

“Our melodies are very understanding and accepting. If we just explain it to them, our melodies will definitely be there for us. Just like when I confessed about my hair loss.” Peniel-hyung stated, defending our fans, “Our melodies love us enough to love or at least be civil towards the people we love.”

“The melodies might understand, but how about the other people?” Hyunsik stated, “I’m not saying I’m against Sungjae and Joy being together. But I want us to find a way they can both be protected and happy.”

I sighed.

Now, I’m making my Hyungs worried.

I should act better.

///

I’ve worked harder to stop my members from noticing how sad I am. I mean I do have my genuine happy moments too. My hyungs make me happy too.

But sometimes it’s just so hard to act like I’m okay when everything reminds me of Joy.

Yogurt. Fishing. Plants. Laundry.

School. Uniforms. High Places.

Amusement Park.

Amusement Park.

I want to go to the amusement park.

“I would want to go too.” I heard Changsub-hyung said. I must have said it out loud.

“We’re busy today, but maybe we can find a way to go to the amusement park. I want to go too.” Eunkwang-hyung said excitedly.

I laughed. “I don’t want to go the amusement park with you.” I joked.

“How about the zoo?” Peniel-hyung suggested. I almost winced. Almost, I can’t let them know that the zoo reminds me of Joy as well.

“Yeah, I think the zoo fits Eunkwang-hyung better. He can finally visit his family.” I joked again.  Everyone laughed, although I noticed that Eunkwang-hyung and Minhyuk-hyung’s laugh are a bit strained, as if they’re relieved that I’m back to my old self.

Yeah. My humor is mostly teasing other members, and I can be quite mean. I guess they thought I’m back to being like that. Good then.

“We have different schedules for today.” Minhyuk-hyung stated once he entered the room, he came from the office after talking to our manager-hyung. “Sungjae, you can rest today. We don’t have any group guesting. You can rest after we record the last song.”

“That’s great. Sungjae, you’ve worked harder these days, and I heard you’ll have another filming for an upcoming series next week. You will need this break.” Eunkwang-hyung stated as he tapped my shoulders.

Ahhhh… I don’t need a break. I want to be occupied. I want to help my hyungs.

“How about hyung? What will you be doing?” I asked, hoping I can help at least one of them.

“I was invited to guest in Running Man with Changsub and Minhyuk. We got to prepare for it.” Eunkwang stated.

“And Peniel will have a photoshoot with Hyunsik for his upcoming solo, then they’ll go back to writing lyrics for the next album. And Ilhoon will be joining them after his guesting in Weekly Idol to promote Fancy Shoes.” Minhyuk-hyung added.

“Can’t I just go with Peniel and Hyunsik-hyung?” I asked.

“We’ll get distracted with you there.” Peniel stated. “And you need to rest.”

“Fine. I’ll just sleep all day and watch movies.”

///////////

What am I doing here?

Okay. So I got bored being left alone at our dorm so I went out for a walk. And my feet got me here.

Why?

“It’s 54,000 WON (48 USD), sir.” The lady  said. I paid the teller and quickly pulled my hoodie some more to hide my face. I must have looked suspicious because the guard follows me around.

I went somewhere I can hide. There are not a lot of people since it’s a weekday, but still I need to hide. And I need to ditch this guard.

I went straight to the Ferris wheel. I almost bumped the girl infront of me because I keep looking back at the guard. The guard still seems to pursue me, so when he was near; I quickly stepped inside the component and shut the door.

I was still looking at the guard with a mischievous smile when I felt someone was staring at me. It was only then that I noticed I wasn’t alone. I must have gone inside the component of the girl in front of me. Ugh… this is embarrassing.

“I’m sor-“ What the heck? Am I dreaming? “Joy?”