CONFESSIONS OF A RELUCTANT FANGIRL (TO HER FIRST SUPERSTAR)

 My name is Axelle. And I’m saying all of this just this once, so  bear with me.

I keep repeating it to myself.

“Pretty boy… pretty boy… would you leave your fame and come into my world? I wouldn’t ask for anything else if you’d try to. Even if it’s just this once.”

Fine. It’s sort of overdone. It’s what every fangirl in the world is probably thinking (and I still am unsure at the thought that I AM your fangirl), maybe without the ‘wouldn’t ask for anything else’ part. Still, I’m saying it, and since I’m one of those people who write out everything for strangers to see,  whatever.

Right now, I’m writing what seems to be a slightly lower form of fanletter (a lower form since I can’t send it straight –hell, I’m not that into you yet). If I recall it right, I didn’t exactly like you –not the way you look or talk (I called you gay actually, which made me the subject to quite a few evil stares and curses) or even the way you goof around (I said it was too funny to be real, and it wasn’t in any way an admiring comment). And that time you went viral in the Philippines? I was covering my ears at every turn, and I had a huge urge to fly to Zimbabwe or something. Needless to say, I absolutely HATED KPop (not you in particular, but since you were the first one to break through that orthodox phase, tah! And three cheers!).

I didn’t exactly have anything against you or UKISS or KPop or Korea at that –maybe I just wasn’t into the whole cute guys singing thing. It was actually funny –I called you GAY; Eli a MANWHORE(of course, I know all your names by now); Kiseop, VAIN; Dong Ho, a STUPID-LOOKING BUM; Soohyun, a JACKIE CHAN-SOUNDING AWKWARD DUDE(hey, I love Jackie Chan, but that wasn’t a compliment); Ki Bum, a DOUCHE; and Xander, a VAMPIRE (and since I’m not a big Twilight fan, that wasn’t a compliment either). Now, before ANYONE protests, this was way back 2009, okay? So AJ and Hoon weren’t subject to my ruthless stereotyping (HOORAY!).

So HEY! What a shock when on my 17^th birthday (that was last May 2011, and it was exactly on my birth date, mind you) I found myself humming (what else?) your damn song. Believe me, I tried to expel that from my brain, but it was just too catchy to ignore. I ended up searching for the lyrics, which, I tell you wasn’t available in Romajized version then (thankfully, I can read basic Hangul), and downloaded it (iTunes, okay?). A week later, I was in deep (sorry for the language). Suddenly KPop(UKiss) was dominating my playlist.

Laugh out!

I told everyone that I just liked that ONE SONG (if you have to know, it was 내게아픈말은 from the mini album, Bran New Kiss), and I just had to check out the others. I came up with a pretty lame self-defense that went against the clichéd reasons I know everyone thinks of : “What the hell? No, I didn’t start to like KPop(I have no idea when it became everyone’s generalization since it was just UKISS, after all) because of  the KDramas you all want to be in. I don’t understand why you think that way. Reality check? I don’t claim to understand, so I won’t say it like everyone else. I like them just because. No reason, but hell, I still love it. ”

Of course, that wasn’t all. Not really. I sort of know it was also because of that cute, accented, twang-y Korean in the chorus. Really shallow, but who the hell cares?

So yeah. Back to my original point: that pretty boy line.

If it’s any consolation, I was hearing you for about a month before I decided to look you up on Yahoo! Images (if you haven’t figured it out, yes I’m talking about KEVIN-effing-WOO). I admit I’m part of the groups’ fanbase, but I’m not exactly comfortable with it (don’t take it the wrong way, I’m just not proud of being part of something so darn cliché). Thankfully, I don’t extend to being rabid. I have all the songs in my phone, some photos(and that constant desire to hop on a plane and fly to Korea just because), but that’s it(that’s all my pocket would allow, anyway). I don’t go all fanwar or sending fangifts or Yo bias ( like yo mama) or spazzing to an unhealthy extent.

I don’t profess my undying love for you or swear I’m going to marry you, because that, I think, is crazy stuff. Hell, fangirl love is based on the physicality of things, brought by pleasure to the eyes, and is as concrete as a wet tissue paper. I mean, it’s like, YOU’RE CUTE, YOU’RE GORGEOUS, YOU’RE HOT, SO I LIKE YOU. And sadly, I can’t be like that (or maybe it’s not such a sad thing, because I have enough sanity to write this out). Hell, dude. I’m shallow, but not that shallow.

I can just keep standing here and listening to your music, without a care that others look at me weirdly when I start to sing along, or start learning Korean so I don’t look like a total idiot when they ask me if I have any idea what I’m listening to.

I know it’s a fantastic world, but I’m not quite sure I’m ready to drown myself fully in it. Still, there’s nothing wrong with dreaming of you, right?

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#AlexsesKim

@imMAmakeYOURday