Chapter One: A Silent Lullaby

"You're the reason my soul goes through Constant Death"

Baekhyun has always been told that even if his mouth is shut to his thoughts, his eyes are always there to show his emotions to anyone willing enough to notice. But that was the catch in his current life—no one bothered to listen.

He was silent ever since he found out that blindly agreeing to work for a handsome man came to be harder than he’d previously thought. It was easy, the life of a -doll, working in some brothel because he was a floating, pained soul and had no one to turn to when the bank account hit lowest records. Back then, his life was simpler, almost happier, and for sure, better.

The marks on his body tell a different tale each morning, one of the few times he wants to bury himself in his room and never come out. But he agreed to this out of spite and after promised money, but he stayed because of Park Chanyeol.

Park Chanyeol is an interesting man. Baekhyun may not know him much, having joined the gang just a couple months ago, but he can see that it’s true. He’s a powerful man, one who gets what he wants, hides tricks under his sleeve and has great manipulative skills. And above all, he’s a sadist.

It’s easy to judge ion, but when one wonders what pains them the most, is the lack of connectivity. Baekhyun has seen Chanyeol at his worst, when the whole world looks like it goes against him and he’ll stagger into Baekhyun’s room for an to . Because Baekhyun is praised, and he’s well taken care of, and he’s treasured amongst the gang for his pearly complexion and talents. He’s kept as a pet, a toy, and in turn, Baekhyun is given a place to stay, food to eat whenever he’s hungry and a good amount of extra money. For a e, he’s well respected, and in a world where having a mere relationship puts both the gang member and the lover in danger, it’s much easier to turn to a paid -toy to calm down.

But Baekhyun knows why he stays, and it’s not because of the food, or the shelter, or the money anymore. He stays because as self-loathing as his position is, he breathes for those times Chanyeol treats him with respect.

The first time was an interesting one. Chanyeol was unsure of what to do. He’d never been with a guy before—Baekhyun could see it. And he’d let him guide him, help him, relieve him. He let Baekhyun and Baekhyun let himself in turn. He thought the fascination in Chanyeol’s eyes was affection and that made him show a world of their own to Chanyeol, a world where it’d be the two of them, and they’d be happy. A world where Baekhyun’s eyes would stop giving away his thoughts, and his mouth would instead. So they’d end up in that world after his deepest confessions would come out. And by then, he’d have poured everything out, only to break Chanyeol’s own shell to hear him.

And it was pretty comforting, cuddling to a man who was twice his size and importance. As little as it’d lasted, Baekhyun cherishes that moment to this very day.

The second time Chanyeol was a mess, one only the most unfortunate have seen. Baekhyun witnessed anger, loathing, no-control—a Chanyeol no one wished to meet. A bottle of vodka hung from his hand and Baekhyun gasped in fear when it flew across the room, shattering just like his insides a shortly after. It was scary, to be approached by a man who resembled a predator more than a human. It was painful, to be grabbed so tightly by someone you looked up to. It was sad, to know you could do nothing to stop it, and your begging falling on deaf ears. Or more so, drunk, pissed off ones.

It hurt then, physically. And it hurt more on the inside, where innocent, mislead  emotions started breaking down when Baekhyun tried to flinch or push away only to be put to the same spot. The same humiliating position and be made do when he wished it was a nightmare he’d wake up from. But it wasn’t, and Baekhyun would have to get used to living with it soon.

It is childish—Baekhyun knows, to hang around for a dream. He knows he is wishing for too much, so why does he still stand by Chanyeol’s side?

It’s easy to judge himself when he knows this is only killing him, and he scolds himself each night he has to sleep on dirtied sheets. He knows it’s bad for him, but he’s addicted, and he’s obsessed, and he doesn’t want to leave no matter the consequences.

Besides, his heart has gone black by now—there is nothing to save anymore.

***

It’s another surge of pain when he stands by the outskirts of the headquarters, seeing black cars come and go, knowing that his place is to be nearby the area. No one ever taught him how to use a gun, or any basic defense moves. He is treasured, babied and treated like a weak maiden—and Baekhyun can’t find in himself anything to work against that. Because it is the truth. He spends his days hanging around the garages and storage rooms, where everything mafia will ever need is stored. He’s allowed to touch, but not play with anything, so he’ll just study them from afar, not wanting to get in trouble but way too curious to let it go.

He’s never seen someone getting shot. He’s heard it, though. And it’s made him want to call quits and escape to anywhere, anywhere far enough from these killers. But the same broken pieces in him insisted he should stay, and he did, and now, hearing gunshots is yet another background noise he’s gotten used to. It’s there, he knows it that death is sometimes a wall away from him, but he has learned to ignore it.

But today he hears something unusual and his head perks up. He walks to a window, looking outside through the old glass. A few cars, two vans included came to a sudden halt at the entrance and Baekhyun watches as the back doors of the van open and Joonmyun—the sadistic trusted man of Chanyeol’s, pulls a blindfolded small-framed man out. His hands appear to be tied behind his back and he’s quickly rushed inside the building. Baekhyun moves fast out of the storage room and steps out of it just in time to see Joonmyun tugging him through the front entrance.

Nothing is clear and Baekhyun doesn’t know what is happening, but a light atmosphere hangs about and he hears some other men, clad in bullet-proof vests, black clothes and gun holsters make jokes outside. Baekhyun almost blindly follows Joonmyun when Sehun struts in proudly,