1,2….

Jungkook thinks to himself. His mom told him that counting helps you get through the hard times. Helps you find a sense of balance. It wasn’t working now though.

3,4….

Another hot salty river flows down his cheek. He sniffs, letting the cool air blow through his hair. He looked down off the edge of the cliff he was sitting on, watching the waves crash against the rocks. Another tear slowly runs down his cheek. He can’t help but sob. The cool wind is soon replaced by his warm touch, his hands instinctively hiding his face. He hated crying, but he’d been doing it a lot lately. Ever since he found out the truth behind the guy he formerly loved. 

Taehyung…. he thinks to himself, but quickly stops because just the thought of his name hurts too much. He crosses his arms on his chest, shivers rolling down his spine.  It wasn’t just from the cool wind, but the memories that had haunted him. He can’t help but think back, to the beginning, just one more time. Everything would stop hurting eventually.

He had known Tae for years, but never really knew him. They had a couple classes together, but never talked until they both moved up to high school. They both had a music class, along with all of their academics. It was hard to say what exactly made them become friends. He honestly couldn’t remember, no matter how hard he tried. He just remembered talking to him. He figured just as time went on, they talked more. They became friends soon enough, but how exactly was still fuzzy. They would talk for hours, messaging, even videoing after some time. It wasn’t long before Jungkook felt safe with Tae. He told him everything in his life.

He also began to like Tae more and more as time went on, and not just as a best friend. He would tell Hobi and Namjoon about his feelings, and they kept urging his to confess. He couldn’t help but feel he would be lucky asking Tae. Maybe he could like him back. He was going to take the chance.

He could remember the anxiety he felt, typing his question one day. They had been having one of their typical conversations, and he had the perfect chance, and he took it.  Nothing could describe the feeling he felt when the answer was yes. He never knew a happier feeling before then.

At first the transition into being a couple was a little awkward, but they found a rhythm of their own soon enough. The security he felt holding Tae’s hand, the butterflies when they hugged. He was never happier. They were the best pair. Everyone in school knew about them and envied what they had. Jungkook could never have asked for a better boyfriend.

They went on a few dates. He could remember them oh so clearly. The cool autumn air watching a big home football game. He knew from their first date that Tae cared about him just as much as he cared about him. The way Tae held his hands, not caring about what anyone said. Their school team may have lost, but Jungkook knew he was the real winner that night.

5,6….

He can’t help but let out another sob, remembering the details oh so well. The look in Tae’s beautiful eyes, the warmth, and love he felt radiate from him. He would have never traded Tae for anything in the world.

There were a few more dates. He had to keep them on a low profile, for his parents didn’t support him being homoual. He never let him get to them though. 

Walks around a lake on one date, the sky was so beautiful. It was getting later in the fall and all the trees were beautiful shades. He remembers holding Tae’s hand, his cheeks sore from smiling so much. Telling Tae about his hopes and dreams for the future. Meeting his parents on his dates were great too. He felt accepted for who he was, unlike at home. His parents were so kind, and let Tae lead his life the way he wanted. A freedom that Jungkook craved.

A few more dates, watching movies late at night together. Watching cheesy old Halloween movies on Halloween, watching another newer movie on another night. He could easily bury his head in Tae’s shoulder, and he instantly felt protected. Not even the best high end armor could make him feel as safe as he did in his boyfriend’s arms.

More rivers gush down his face. At this point, Jungkook doesn't even bother to wipe them. He knows they’ll soon be replaced, unlike his vulnerability he felt now. He would never again feel the warm protective embrace of Tae’s arms.

7,8….

The worst of his memories was when his parents found out. Word had got out to them, and they went through Jungkook’s phone, and found everything. His face that was warm and merry spending the day with Tae was now replaced with a sharp sting from a slap, and salty tears to heal the wound. His parent had never been more ashamed of him. They would not stand for it. They made him break up with Tae.

Seeing Tae the next day would be on of the hardest things he would ever do. Even as Tae agreed it was for their best interest, for Jungkook’s best interest, they broke up. After one last tearful kiss, which had never been sweeter for Jungkook, their official love had ended. The pair had promised each other that things wouldn’t change. That they would still care about each other the same way, just without the title and bonuses of being in an official relationship.

Jungkook cried himself to sleep for weeks. He know he could never be the way he had been with Tae ever again. He could help but blame himself. Maybe if he was more careful, what if he hadn’t been so stupid. He blames himself for what lead up to now.

9,10….

Jungkook opens his eyes again, his vision blurred by his tears. He removes his round wire glasses that have been to no use for him at this moment. He runs his fingers around the frames, remembering how Tae loved them. He was self-conscious, but Tae showed him that no one else’s opinions mattered. He didn't need to feel bad for who he was. No need to worry about his eyes, nose, hair, nothing. Tae made him feel beautiful. Jungkook hated his eyes, the bland boring brown eyes that seemed ugly to him. Tae made him feel like more. “Don’t ever put yourself down in front of me, Kookie. You are perfect to me, and that’s all that matters. I get lost in your eyes, it’s like melting into the sweetest chocolate rivers.” Tae had told him one time. He never forgot. Tae made Jungkook love himself just a little more somehow.

Jungkook sniffs again, He put his glasses on one more time, to get one last clear look at the world around him. He takes the glasses off his face a few moments later, and plays with them in his hands. The glasses are now in his right hand, outreached over the edge. He opens his grasp, and watches the glare on them as he watches them fall down. He hears the glass shatter as they hit the rocks below. He wonders what his will sound like. He feels a little weight off of him. As though letting his glasses go let part of him go as well.

His eyes water again. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He wants to finish remembering.

The first few weeks were strained. He couldn’t help but feel the loss. He knew Tae was sad too, but he hid it well. They walked together, and a large cold gap between their hands. It took a few weeks for Jungkook to get used to the empty feeling of his hand once again.

He went through the motions. He was there, but he wasn’t. He was on autopilot. He muddled through and got his work done, and somehow managed the next couple of weeks. 

Things were different between him and Tae after a while. There seemed to be a wall forming. Jungkook never knew what to say anymore. They would walk, but in silence. He felt bad about it, but he was constantly sad. He just didn’t know what to say! They tried, but after a while it was hard. They had several discussions about it, but in the end, they just had to accept it.

The wall hardened as the days went on. Though things were hard in the day, the school day always ended well. Tae would always give him a reassuring hug at the end of the day. “It’s okay Kookie, everything will be okay.” This was Jungkook’s favorite part of the day. But after a while these went away and faded. The hugs would get briefer and briefer. He felt like have was losing his Tae. He had lost several friends throughout the year, and it had hit him hard. He didn’t want to lose Tae too.

He tried to be the best friend he could. To be there and talk to Tae, but not annoy him either. He would do anything for Tae. He still felt like his was losing him. He missed his Tae. He seemed to be turning into a different person. He no longer felt emotion from Tae. He was just Taehyung. Though the same person on the outside, he just felt a total difference from him.

11,12….

It saddened him to think of all the time he spent on the perfect present for Tae’s birthday coming up. He wanted to make something perfect for him, even though he couldn't actually buy him anything. His parents were still restrictive and mad at Jungkook, so he couldn’t buy anything for his Tae. Even during Christmas and his birthday, Tae treated him like a king. Made him the best gifts and got him the best gifts. He still had them. He thinks of all the little trinkets in his memory box at home. The notes, t-shirts of his favorite band, the special little things like that, but meant the world to Jungkook. He left them all at home, except for one. He slowly pulls a chain out of his left jacket pocket.

The chain briefly get caught on a few loose threads from the fading black sweat jacket, but soon enough it’s in full view, in a neat pile in the middle of Jungkook’s palm. The light gold chain, the charm resting in the middle, a strawberry. Strawberries were Tae’s favorite. He remembered teasing him about it one day.

Tae sat there, a plate of strawberries in front of him.

“I swear you love strawberries more than me,” Jungkook had teased Tae, earning a silly face and Tae hurrying to swallow the pink goo in his mouth to reply.

“Kookie, I could never love anything as much as I love you, I’d pick you any day.” Tae proudly said. Jungkook had blushed, soon matching the pink tint of the strawberries.

That Christmas, Tae had given him a little black box, this necklace inside. It was their special symbol. Jungkook treasured this necklace, wore is most days when he could. Up until the day of their breakup. He couldn’t wear it after that, not with it’s meaning. It stayed in that box ever since, only disturbed those truly rough nights when Jungkook would cry silently in bed, clutching onto the necklace for comfort. To try and remember the good times. But somehow he always cried harder. 

Jungkook smoothes the chain around his hand, staring into the charm. He loved the detail of it, the light coolness it had on his hand. He clutches his hand tight for a minute, taking a few deep breaths. He opens his hand to find a strawberry  shaped indention in his hand. The sight of it provokes another sob. He’s left heaving, peering over the edge, strawberry in hand. He takes one last look at it, and slowly raises it to his lips. He gives it a lingering kiss, and quietly pulls it away again. He runs his fingers over the necklace one last time. 

He rears his right arm back ask far as it can go, and pitches it far into the crashing waves below. He again felt just a slight bit lighter. He takes another breath out, and then in. He can feel the dryness of his skin setting in from the salty air. He finally notices that the sun is starting to go down. The sky is lit up orange, magenta, and honey. He takes a good look around, soaking in the scene. It was a breathtaking sight. Too bad he lost his ability to truly breathe when he officially lost Tae.

13,14….

Jungkook feels his stomach churn. Once again, his feelings go from sorry to hurt. To hate.

He knows he’s getting to the worst part. The ending of their story.

He remembers the growing wall. Each day a new brick was paved on, slowly but surely. The wall was officially done 3 weeks ago. 

They were leaving school together, like they always had. Taehyung speeds past their area where they always hug. But today was going to be different.

He remembers asking if everything was okay, why he had just sped off.

“Jungkook, it’s been 2 months already, enough is enough.” Tae had said, void of any empathy, or emotion. Jungkook had already had some other things going on, but between all of that, and those 9 words, his breath got caught in his throat. Those nine words, that one by one shattered his heart. His Tae was gone. Gone. Replaced by some imposter, void of feelings. 

Jungkook remembered the hurt, the nausea, the tears he tried to hide, but failed to keep in. He lost his Tae. He’s gone. Jungkook tried messaging him later on, but was greeted again by emotionless, insensitive responses. Not a single apology was given. Jungkook was beyond hurt. He could not continue to face Tae.

15,16….

Jungkook avoided Tae. He wanted to show him it wasn't ok. He didn't walk to classes with him, went alternate routes to class, and didn't speak to him. He wanted to see Tae realize what he did, to show he was a true friend. Maybe Jungkook was a little too sensitive. Or maybe he wasn’t.

Tae never even tried to talk to him. He would in when Jungkook would hang out with Jin, and rudely comment at him, but never actually talked. Taehyung’s rudeness lasted for days. Even hearing the Jin had overheard saying that Tae was enjoying the peace from Jungkook. His sorrow turned into anger. He couldn’t apologize, and now he was just being a jerk. Jungkook let it go on a week, but he just couldn’t take it. He had to talk to Taehyung. Set things right.

Tae refused to talk to him. Gave him to cold shoulder, refused notes. Finally Jungkook got to him at the end of the day. He couldn't get Tae’s tone out of his head.

“Taehyung, I really need to talk to you. You didn’t even try to talk to me.” Jungkook had said, hurt.

“No, I didn’t.” was Tae’s answer. A few more comments similar, and he was gone. He said it was Jungkook’s fault, that he avoided him. Jungkook was not leaving it like this.

He messaged Taehyung when he got home. Told him everything. How he felt, why he avoided him. That he wanted things to be back to normal, the way they were. The response he got back was not what he was expecting.

“Jungkook, you took this out of proportion. I did not want to hug you any more. It’s not a big deal. I’m not going to apologize for something I’m not comfortable doing.”

17,18…

“You can’t be upset. I was not going to come running to you when you ignored me. To be honest, I wasn’t going to rush and try and be your friend. I know you’ll be mad, but I’ve lied to you for a while.”

Jungkook could barely read the text at this point. He was trying so hard to keep the tears in. He did not want his parents to know. He had to continue.

“I haven’t wanted to be your friend for a while. It’s a miracle we lasted this long. We’re different. You expect too much, and frankly I’m tired of it. I’ve lied about being your friend for a while, and have been trying to break away. Nothing can be back to normal. Even if we’re ever on good terms again, we’ll never be ‘friends’ again. Having you as a friend is too difficult.”

Jungkook couldn't breathe when he was finished. What had happened to his Tae? His heart was officially gone, shattered, stomped on by Tae. How had they gone through what they were, to what they were now? Jungkook was broken. He would never talk to Tae again. Ever. 

He felt like an idiot. Even had Tae’s gifts he had made months in advance for Tae’s birthday sitting on his desk. Oh well. He would get it. Jungkook wouldn't see it though.

He couldn’t stand the pain. How his true love had turned to stone. He had been played. Lied to. A joke.

These things wouldn’t leave his head. He was so done crying. Sick of the ‘what ifs’. He needed to end it. End it all.

The sky was now painted a burnt sienna, marigold, and blue-violet. The sun would be completely gone soon. He wanted to leave with a pretty image in his mind. He would have to jump now or never. Everything was set. He slowly stood up, legs shaky from the hours of not moving.

He wipes the tears from his face one last time. No more crying. He had done enough for his life. He closes his eyes and takes in one last deep breath. He walks to the edge.

He looks around him one last time. Takes in the scene. Not a bad place to die. It was peaceful and beautiful. He thought he deserved that.

He closes his eyes, the picture still painted clearly in his mind. 

19,20….

He takes one last breath and jumps. Surrounded by the cool air, and beautiful array of colors setting, going down with him. It seems like to takes forever, but finally, everything is gone. Nothing but peace.