Seungwan curls tighter into herself, white-knuckled hands gripping at the fabric of her pyjama pants, trying to make herself feel as warm and small and safe as possible.

Her room is always warm. Her blankets are thick and her pyjamas are soft. She feels the cold creep into her lungs anyway.

She doesn’t feel sad. Or does she? She’s not too sure what she’s feeling. The room is dark and her bed is warm, but there’s a hole where her heart should be and Seungwan doesn’t know what’s wrong. Or rather, she knows what isn’t right.

She’s not alright. There’s no reason for her to be anything less than fine, but she’s not alright.

It was a normal day, she might even call it a good day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened: no drama, no stress, no anything.

Seugwan doesn’t think it is sadness; she always thinks it is sadness. She’s not that young, no longer that naive, she wishes it is sadness that she feels.

She knocks her fist against her chest sharply. Once. Twice. Three times. It does not sound hollow. It never sounds hollow. It cannot sound hollow. Though she thinks it might be. Thinks that it should be.

It is not sadness. It is not a feeling at all. It is a beginning and an end, before and after, it’s somehow both the hint of something yet to be felt and the wispy tail of something long gone.

Seungwan’s eyes burn, but there are no tears. Because what she is feeling is not sadness. It is something less; something more. She is feeling an echo of emotion, it bounces between her ribs, lodges itself somewhere below her collarbone and screams its name. It pushes against her ribs and Seungwan dreads the day it manages to get out.

She could get out of bed. Go make tea. Read a book. Play games on her phone. She could do all these things hoping that they'll work and knowing that they won’t.

Seulgi, Sooyoung and Yerim are just down the hall. A door separates them from her and all she needs to do is knock. Joohyun is even closer, sleeping in the room right next to hers.

Seungwan could get out of bed, tiptoe into Joohyun’s room, gently wake her and then what? What can she say? What should she say? She’s not upset. Is not stressed. Is not in any shape or form unhappy or dissatisfied.

Even if she was, one look into Joohyun’s bright eyes and she’d deny it.

She just wants Joohyun. Wants her soft warmth and her gentle comfort and her soothing voice.

Joohyun is only a room away.

Seungwan stays where she is and prays for oblivion.