Name of Story: N/A

Author: N/A

Pairing: EXO boyxboy AxB

Chapters read: 6/13

Warning: Review will contain spoilers (even though it's anonymous).

Forewords

I would say that your forewords are okay.

The story is well tagged and I like the title quite a bit!

The description/forewords are nice. Very fanficy, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I think for this kind of story, with a supernatural theme and a big story line, a poster would improve the forewords quite a bit, make the story more exciting and give a feel for it. 

But if you don't want one/care, then don't worry about it. I myself usually don't bother too much with posters, but I don't think its that difficult to make a half-decent poster, or request for one. But it's up to you.

Use of Language

When reading your story, it is quite obvious that you are not a native speaker. And like always with non-natives, you have some strong points and other weaker.

You have a good vocabulary and you use it well, and I can feel that you put effort into your text. And you are already at the level where you can convey complicated ideas and describe events and scenery vividly.

However, sometimes it reads a bit unnatural and stiff, and occasionally you make errors. But the good news is that I think you can improve a lot by making simple changes.

Most importantly (for me at least) is that you tend to sometimes use the wrong tenses for your verbs. It might sound not so important, because the reader gets the meaning usually. But it can be quite confusing, and makes the story more cumbersome to read, especially for the more fluent reader, and slows her/him down, and people are impatient.

But I think this is something that is somewhat easy to fix, just pay special attention to the following in your next few chapters, and after that it will become more natural, and you won't have to think about it anymore. What I recommend is:

A) Present tense: Avoid it. Mixing past and present tenses is tricky and done wrong more often than not in fanfics. The good news is that your story is in the past tense so you shouldn't have to use the present tense. Like for example, the first sentence of your story is in present tense, change it to the past tense. You occasionally put in the present tense here and then, but in this story you should never use it when describing something. (Exception of this of course is direct speech/thought, like things within quotes “I see you” you should use present tense, but I think you almost always use it right there now.). If in the future you want to write a story with the present tense that is fine, but practice first by only using the past tenses.

B) The past perfect, like “I had a bagel”. Most of the time you use it correctly, but not always. As a rule of thumb, you should use it about something that happened before your point of reference. Like:

I visited my good friend Kai early in the morning to bring him breakfast, but he already had eaten cereal.

If he had still be eating when this person came, the sentence would be: I visited my good friend Kai early in the morning to bring him breakfast, but he was eating cereal.

So as a first approximation, you should only use the past perfect when you are describing something that happened before the point that you are at. Or if you are *absolutely* sure that you are using it correctly (because this is an over simplification).

Like for example your third sentence: “But she still had maintained her posture.” should be: “But she still maintained her posture.” Your way sounds like she had maintained her posture throughout the years, like through getting old or something before she died. But she was injured at this moment but still held her posture. So at this point in the story she had her posture, so it should be simple past, not past perfect.

Good news is that you do this correct *most* of the time, just be a bit careful and then I'm sure you will start to do this correctly all of the time. You are almost there, so it doesn't take a lot of effort to improve.

C) Just to make things a bit complicated, present perfect tense like: “I have been there” means that you have been there sometimes in the past, it could be yesterday or 10 years ago. It doesn't have to mean that you were there just earlier. So in your story, B says somewhere: “I've been there” but what he means is “I was just there” because he just came from that place.

D) Conditional tenses: He would go if he could. You usually say something along the way of “He would go if he can” which is present tense, and you rarely need in this fic, so use could/should instead of can/shall (except for direct speech).

I think this and most other things will be fixed with more practise!

Characters

Your characters are fine. They are interesting enough, and we slowly get to know them, which I think is a good thing. Though sometimes the side characters could use a tad more introduction when they first arrive. Not a lot, but a little bit would help, because there seems to be a new character almost every chapter, so it can get a bit confusing.

Story

This story is centered around EXO's superpowers, which I think is a fun idea and generally well executed. There is a very elaborate story line, so a lot of things happen, so it's not boring, but you also focus on the relationship of the two main characters and their friends so overall it's well balanced.

I do think that your descriptions of scenes and events is very good, and easy to follow and get caught up in what is happening right there.

However, sometimes the broader picture is missing a bit. Like, I'm still not completely sure how many worlds there are, and how they work exactly. And they seem very small, if an 8 year old can travel through another kingdom in a day, but sometimes they feel large, so it's a bit unclear.

There are many character in this story, so sometimes it can get a bit confusing why things are happening. Like in chapter 2 when B discovers that C is betraying him, I still don't completely understand what the betrayal was about. He just talked to some people that are considered “evil” but it's not completely clear how that is a betrayal. Also character D... I don't really understand how he is connected to anything really, and how he and A became friends and why. I think I understand E though.. mostly, and the main characters are okay.

It can be good to keep some of the mystery alive, but when it's too much mystery it becomes confusing and a bit difficult to follow.

You are good at describing what is happening right at the moment, but sometimes the reader needs a bit of context, or backstory to make sense of everything that is going on.

Overall

Your storyline is good, and I like the pace of your story, it's not too fast and not too slow. There is a storyline in there beyond the simple romance, but the romance is not neglected either.

I think one of your strong points is describing individual scenes. But if I would recommend one thing regarding the story, is to give a bit more background, think more about the global picture, because sometimes it is a bit confusing why things are happening and how everything works in this world.

Regarding language, you are already on the right track, and practice will help a lot. But be careful about your verb tenses, they are often mixed up, and it can be a bit confusing to the reader.

I strongly recommend that when you've finished your next chapter, read it over once with the sole purpose of checking the verbs. First of all check if there is any present tense that shouldn't be there, and then if all the verbs in past perfect tense should be (use the rule of thumb I provided above). It may seem like bit of a work, but it will be quicker than you think (and you will get better at it fast), and it will really pay off, and improve your stories a Lot. I promise. And when you've tried doing this especially for 2-3 chapters, things will become more natural and it will start to become easier to you. Like now I would guess that 60% of your verbs are in the right tense, maybe 70% sometimes, but I think it's relatively easy to get this number up to 90% and even beyond, which is already a huge improvement!

I think these simple changes will improve your story a lot and you have very good potential to become even better!

I hope this helps a little bit and good luck with your writing!

OKgirl