Name of Story: BTS x You (Collection)

Author: spark931

Pairing: Jin x You (BTS)

Chapters read: 2/2 (Pt. 1 and Pt. 2)

Warning: I usually don't read You stories. Review will contain spoilers.

Forewords

Your forewords could be improved quite a bit with a proper title, and a poster/picture would help as well to make your story more attractive. But I'm guessing you already know this. And not everyone cares, so... you should keep it the way you want.

What you need to do is to add to your taglist. BTS is one of the biggest, most active fandom on aff, so if you only tag with “bts” it's going to disappear from all searches within a couple of days. There is no reason to use less than 5 tags, ever. Be sure to add: jhope, taehyung, jin, you, and then find something else (like genre maybe, or jinxoc or jinxyou). At the moment your story is completely invisible, so if people want to read JinxOC stories they won't be able to find it.

It would be nice to add slightly more to your description, just to get the reader interested enough to click on the story, it doesn't have to be much, just like examples of what kind of stories these are (are they fluffy or angsty or both, do you have high school fics or other themes, etc). Remember that your description doesn't have to be eternal, you can change it as you see fit when more stories appear.

Also, and this is less important... First of all there is no requirement to credit OK Review for this review, but thank you for doing so. I don't know however if it was a requirement for the other review shop, and in that case, maybe it is better to provide also a link to it (if you don't know how to do this, just block the photo in edit mode and click on the picture of the paper clip).

Most importantly though: add more tags.

Use of Language

I liked your writing flow a lot. Your text flows naturally, without becoming pretentious or boring, and it's filled with emotions without being to over-the-top. And it really kept me captivated and wanting to read more. I don't know if you are a native speaker or a near-native, but your English level is good.

So I think your writing style and flow is one of your strong points, which is good news, and if you practice I'm sure you will become even better.

I didn't notice many mistakes and all of them were very minor, like the number 4 is written as four, not for, aout -> about, minor details like that. But typos are always difficult to catch.

One thing I do recommend though, keep your author notes at the end of the chapter. It's a bit distracting in the middle of the text, throws the reader out of the story, and you start thinking: A singer? Is Jin a singer here? and it moves your focus away from what is happening, destroys the emotional flow if you will. Nothing wrong with a comment like that, it's cute and makes you approachable, just leave it at the end of the chapter.

Characters

First of all, your characters are not bland, which is always the risk with fanfiction. They are more than one dimensional, and I was interested to see what would happen to them.

However, they are not particularly likable. There is no rule that says that they have to be, but I was not sure if that was what you were aiming for, so I decided to let you know.

Like what's up with the sl*ut-shaming? In the girl's case it makes sense, because nobody is that pleasant when they are jealous and insecure. So although it's not very nice, it's very human and understandable. But Jin randomly calling that girl “fake” is from the reader's point of view completely uncalled for and makes him seem like kind of a douche bag. All that we know about her is that she has big b*oobs, #girlswithbigb*oobsarealsopeople, that she went out to lunch with Jin and likes him enough to poke his cheeks. Maybe she is actually super fake and a horrible person, but maybe she's just a cheerful girl who's friendly to a lot of people, or she has no idea that Jin has a girlfriend and is attracted to him, which is not a crime, he's a handsome guy. The point is that we don't *know*, and for Jin suddenly to call her fake out of the blue makes it seem like he's not a very nice person.

In general, I also got the feeling that you are more comfortable writing from the girl's point of view rather than Jin's. This I think is very normal. So sometimes when reading Jin's thoughts, it felt like I was being told what the girl wanted to hear from him, rather than thoughts originating within himself. Like when he automatically starts making up excuses it sounds more like what the girl wants to be the truth, rather than normal thoughts. Him making excuses does work though, it's not unrealistic, but it makes him seem like a bit of a jerk. Instead of worrying about how she might feel and about the misunderstanding in general, he's immediately freeing himself of any responsibility by being “too shy”, while his behavior in other places in the story doesn't really indicate that he is shy in any way. But people are constantly inconsistent in reality, so it kinda works as a character, but not really a likable one.

Also that part when Jin was thinking he was being nothing but pretty didn't really come through, was there a point to this? Insecurity I'm guessing? But in the context it kind of sounded like justification for allowing girls to hit on him, and leading them on.

But don't despair, I think you just need to practice this a bit. When writing from a guy's point of view, try not to think about what the girl would want to hear, but take some time to think what he would actually think, as an independent person. Just because the girl wants him to think that the b*oob-girl is fake, maybe it doesn't make sense for him to randomly think that without any real context, as an example.

But if Douche-bag-Jin was what you were going for, then you subtly nailed it, and I'm kinda impressed.

Story

You chose a difficult subject. Writing about a breakup in a oneshot is hard. But you did it well, and really had me wanting to know how the story would evolve.

The difficulty of this subject is that when the story starts, the readers are not invested in their relationship and you are going straight to the break-up part. To be heartbroken about the break-up, we need to have some feelings about the relationship.

I think this could be improved by introducing the relationship a bit. By this I don't mean adding long flash backs, or long descriptions because that would totally destroy the flow of your story, which I think is really nice. Rather than that, adding a one sentence or so in few places would help a lot. Like for example in the flashback when she went to the café, she could have been thinking about an upcoming/past date, wanting to see him or something a long that line, and then BAM he was there with another girl. Or somewhere else in the story make her miss something that they did together, fear doing something alone which they always did together, or when that guy danced with her, make it remind her of how Jin danced with her. Just something to make us feel that she is missing out on something by breaking up with him.

The good news is that this is fanfiction, so the people that read this already like Jin, so it doesn't take a lot to get them invested, but it would help a lot if you would give them something. And in the end when she sees his pretty face, and thinks he's the one... since we don't know anything about their relationship we get the feeling that the *only* reason that she's with him is because of his pretty face. Like she doesn't care one bit about anything else (not even that he cheated on her), as long as his face is pretty. (So maybe Jin's worries were justified after all?)

In places the story got kinda overly dramatic, with her reacting to the potential cheating by getting drunk and going to dance with some guy (instead of talking about it like a normal person), but people do stupid things when their heart is broken, so it does work. Also Jin dropping to his knees was maybe a bit too much (Nobody would ever... club floors are disgusting!).

But for fanfictions, a little bit of drama is good, but by introducing their relationship, just a little bit, would make the reader more invested, and make him more caught up in the drama.

Don't get me wrong, though, I enjoyed it, but at the end of it I was like: “Phew, am I glad I am not in that relationship”... But they weren't a bad match, major drama queens that they were, and in the end I was left with the feeling that they would reconcile and break-up again about ten times before the month was over.

Overall

Honestly, I liked this story way more than I thought I would (especially since I almost never read OC/you fics).

And although I didn't necessarily like your characters as people, I liked them as characters.

Perfect people usually make for very dull characters.

So the story worked as a whole. It made me invested, and I wanted to know how things evolved, and it was kind of clear what the characters were feeling, though sometimes I got the feeling it came out differently from what you were planning.

Your writing style is already pretty good, so if you want to improve I would recommend that you focus on widening your perspective. In the sense that the reader doesn't always know what you know, so you need to slightly introduce things for her/him. Get him invested in the story. Like in this case we don't know anything about their relationship, which makes us less invested in the break-up, and we don't know that the b*oob-girl is fake in any way, things like that. Also practice in thinking about your story from more than one perspective. Even if the girl thinks about something in a certain way, there is no guaranty that the boy sees it the same way or even agrees. Make him his own character, not an extension of her thoughts.

Anywho, I hope this was at least somewhat helpful, and good luck with your future writing!

Last but not least, don't forget to: Tag your story properly!