Everyone has their wants and needs. People are apt to disregard their wants for their needs, probably because they believe that their wants are unneeded. But we all know that those supposedly “unneeded” wants actually make us happy. And what remains unnoticed is that, sometimes, those desires that give us happiness which we deem as unneeded and unimportant, are actually what we need.

Stay away from Mina. I already put my mind to it. If I want to save myself from another misery, this is what I need to do. But honestly? This is not what I want. In my life, I don’t think I have ever smiled as real as I do when I’m with Mina. People would see me smile, but it never crossed my mind I was faking it till I actually learned what a genuine smile is. When I’m with her, everything just feels natural. No filters. No pretentions. No hidings. I’m not knowledgeable when it comes to love nor do I even give a damn about it, but this feeling… this feeling that’s growing inside me, is this it? Can this be called love? I don’t know yet. It’s too early to say. I don’t think I’m in love yet. Perhaps the experience just feels new and I’m just enjoying it, and I would eventually get weary of it. I don’t really know. But what I know is that, I like it… and right now, I’m happy. And me, taking a step back, just because of this inescapable fear that’s eating up on me, is taking away that very happiness I’m finally having a taste of. But this happiness that is supposed to give me the temerity to hold on and fight, would only yield me more and more fears. It’s an illusion, you see? The happiness I’m feeling right now is an illusion. Because after all the fleeting smiles and laughters, I would be left with only tears and sorrow. It’s better to snap out of this illusion now while I still can. If not, this nightmare disguised as a joy-filled dream will haunt me…forever. And I might never be able to wake up.

Mina isn’t stupid. She knows what’s up. She did still try inviting me to come over, maybe twice or thrice? And I would instantly decline, reasoning out that I’m busy with school, which she knew from the start was just a lie but just settled to tighten her lips. I felt guilty every time, but I don’t have a choice, do I? After a few attempts, she ceased knocking on my door to bother me. I sort of felt relieved but deep down, I’m aching. Mina giving up on me would mean this friendship is finally over, right? At first I believed it was for the better, but recently, it’s been bothering me. I’ve been having intermittent sleeps, and every time my lids rise in the middle of the night, I would stare in an unreachable distance having second thoughts of what I’m doing. It frustrates the hell out of me how easy it was for her to just quit. Well, isn’t this what I wanted?

Do I really have to do this? Is she mad at me? Should I talk to her? Would she forgive me? These perplexing thoughts are stressing me out. It’s past 3AM and I’m here toning my eyebags. I turned to another side, hoping it would help me get rid of my thoughts and just sleep it all out. Useless. I grunted in annoyance as I grabbed my pillow and buried my head underneath it, wanting to unhear my thoughts. Still useless. I threw the pillow away and laid flat on my back, sighing deeply. “Fine,” I mouthed, admitting my defeat. “I’ll talk to her tomorrow….so please,” calmly, I begged in the air, “let me sleep.”

And in just a snap, I fell dead asleep. Incredible.

The sun rose too early for me to get up. The blinds weren’t very helpful in shielding the fulgent light streaming through the window pane, causing my face to wrinkle. I tried covering my eyes with my backhand and retire back to dreamland but my brain was already half functioning and thoughts are starting to fill in. Lethargically, I rose up and lazily stretched. I took a few steps to the window and the rays of the sun streamed across my bed sheets as I rolled up the blinds. I looked out the window and remarked the beauty of the morning sky. So calming. The corner of my lips rose up to my ears but immediately sagged down upon recalling what I promised last night. I inwardly whined. “Right...It’s today.” A pang of nervousness rushed in me. My throat ran dry. I inhaled some oxygen, which I believe to load me up with a sack of courage.

I bathed. I combed. I dressed neatly. It rather felt like I was preparing for my own funeral. “Done,” I muttered as I did a final check of my reflection in the mirror. I shuffled out of my unit. Feet dead by my own door, I inhaled oxygen one last time. I willed myself to walk.

One step. Two steps. Three ste—I halted.

Mina. The sight of her, charging down the staircase, to where she probably came from the rooftop, stoned me in my place. I stopped breathing. I motionlessly eyed her. I saw her took a fleeting glance of me sideways but pretended to be unaware of my presence and persisted scaling down until she was out of sight. Stupid. I feel stupid. She was right in front of me, and yet I did nothing. I clenched my fist in a ball, angered with myself. I took a quick sigh. Okay. I directed myself to the staircase and scaled my way down to get to her unit. I lifted a hand shaking and sweating with anxiety, and light-handedly knocked on the door. Mrs. Myoui opened up for me, her lips curled up upon recognizing me.

“Good Morning Mrs. Myoui,” I greeted with a studied smile, “Is Mina home?”

“Hey,” she greeted calmly. “I haven’t seen you in a while, dear. Heard you were busy with school. I’m glad you spared some time to see Mina today,” she spoke warmly. She leaned closer to whisper. “She’s been feeling a little down lately. I’m glad you’re here.”Guilt pierced through my chest. I couldn’t construct a reply. “Come in. Come in,” she invited.

I stepped in; cold sweat started forming on my forehead.

“You go ahead. She’s in her room. I’ll prepare something for you kids to eat,” she advised.

I nodded. I dragged my own feet to her room. I knocked before turning the knob, trembling. I slipped my head in the door. Mina is seated upright on her bed, leaning against the wall, holding a phone with two hands. She looked straight at me indifferently.

“Hey,” I