Blue

It hurts ... Why does it hurt so much?

I picked up my phone off the floor.

141 messages from 4 chats

From Sana: (09:10): Momo where are you right now?

From Jeongyeon: (09:12) Momo what happened?

From Jihyo: (09:19): Momo are you okay?

From Chaeyoung in Pop Squad Group Chat: (09:23) Is Momo okay?

I had skipped school. I didn't want to have to witness any more of it. It made my heart sting. I coaxed myself that staying home would do me better. I was wrong in thinking so.

To Sana: (10:21): Yeah i'm fine, I'm just feeling a little unwell right now. I'll be skipping school for the next few days so fill me in when I come right back.

I replied Sana, and then forwarded the exact same message to Jihyo, Mina, Jeongyeon, and also the Pop Squad Group Chat.

I wasn't fine. I was anything but fine. How could I be fine when i had to bear watching all of these take place in front of me, and act like I am not bothered a single bit by it. 

The days that followed were filled with anguish, grief and misery.

This world is meaningless and overwhelming. I thought. "This is all just a nightmare, and if I sleep, I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare," I lied to myself. 

Pearl-shaped tears rolled down my cheeks and I let gravity do it's thing. The leaking water from my visual organ stained my face. The stream of tears reminded me that this wasn't a dream, which led to me sob even harder. It wasn't a pleasant sight.

My eyes wasn't the only part of my body that was crying, I felt my heart screaming and crying as well. There was a clenching pain in my chest. I lay down on the sofa, with my hands grabbing my chest, I screamed as loud as I could with my hoarse and empty voice.

Eventually, my eyes became sore and tears stopped forming. I was all out of tears. I was empty. Despite that, the sadness was still there. The sadness will always be there. I hadn't wiped my tears at all. The tears that had dried up formed two solid visible lines on my cheek. I had stopped crying, but I could still feel the tears on my cheeks. That sensation made me comfortable.

I had been living off instant noodles for the next few days. Instant noodles were nice, they were cheap, required close to zero effort to cook up, and most important of all, they were bland. The noodles reminded me of myself. I was empty, and the noodles, bland. We were both, to a certaint extent, insignificant, and flavorless. 

"You should quit eating instant noodles, it's unhealthy!"

Her voice echoes inside my head. But it didn't matter at all now. Nothing matters anymore. 

Listen Hirai Momo, all of this, is just a learning phase. All of these pain is only temporary and will help you to grow. What you're feeling right now is just temporary. I tried to talk myself out of it. 

It's just temporary. It's just temporary. It's just temporary. I chanted to myself, as i fall deep asleep.

It has been 3 days since I've started skipping school. It came to a point where I was out of instant noodles. I should've known that half a dozen packets were deficient for how long I had intended to stay cooped up in the house (a week).

The sun was about to set, and it made me think about how my life was about to enter the darkness, losing all sources of light.

In my pajamas and unkempt hair, I walked down to a nearby convenience store to stock up on my unhealthy supply of instant noodles in my blue flip-flops. I did not look presentable, AT ALL. But that all didn't matter, because what had mattered, was gone and out of reach.

I opened the glass door and entered the 7-Eleven store. 

"Welcome to 7-Eleven!", the cashier enthusiatically greeted me, and looked at me bewildered, as if she was waiting for my reply.

I had known Lisa, the cashier, for quite a few years now. Lisa was around my age, she was still a student and yet she worked part-time at this 7-Eleven store just as a means to kill time. She wasn't desperate for money or anything. As far as our conversations had gone in the past, I know that Lisa's a pretty nice girl, she's friendly and fun, but she didn't have much friends, partly because she was a foreigner in this country as well.

A few years back, before I had met Sana, my life was in shambles. I lived my life off of instant noodles, kind of like what I'm doing now. And of course, my supply of instant noodles didn't come out of no where. Once in a week, I would turn up in this exact 7-Eleven store, purchasing a whole pack of instant noodles, and occassionally, a packet of cigarettes. 

I had smoked in the past, before I had met Sana and the rest. It started off out of curiousity and as time went by, I got addicted to it and it became the quick-fix to my problems. The feeling of nicotine wrapping around my tongue and also the smoke that I exhaled out, made me feel at peace, as if I was under a waterfall, in a tranquil and serene forest. But ever since I met Sana and the rest, the need to smoke has drastically lowered and eventually i kicked the habit.

I walked past Lisa as if I hadn't heard her. I didn't want her to see the plight I was in. If there was going to be anything that I would hate more than me suffering right now, it would be the fact that I am being a burden to the others and causing them to worry. I reached straight for the shelf with the instant noodles, grabbed 2 packs of instant noodles and also headed to the refridgerator and took a carton of alcoholic beer. Just this once ... I'll just smoke and drink this once...

I walked up to Lisa and laid out the stuff onto the table, and waited for her to pack it. Her hands reached for the beer, and she stared at me, with concerned eyes. She knew I was struggling. She tried not to probe, knowing full well that I didn't want her to worry, but she still did.

"Are you okay?" She started off.

"Not quite," I confessed, there was no point in me lying, Lisa would've seen through it. "Can I get a Marlboro Red as well?"

"Didn't you quit smoking?" She looked at me with a puzzled face, while reaching for the packet of cigarettes. "That'll be $24.50 total," she continued, while putting the cigarettes inside the grocery bag.

"Old habits die hard I guess," I casually replied, handing her two twenty-dollar bills and a five-dollar bill. 

"Take good care of yourself, and also your health," she advised, gesturing at the beer and also the cigarettes, and returning me a change of 50 cents.

"I will, thank you," I used my last ounce of energy to pull out a smile. It may not seem like much, but just knowing that someone out there is worrying for me makes me feel a tad bit better. I took my grocery bag, the change, and walked out of the 7-Eleven store. 

As soon as i stepped out of 7-Eleven, my eyes sniped out a familiar face

Oh why is Jeongyeon here? I gasped as I quickly turned to my left and started to tiptoe my way out of her line of sight and in the direction of my house. She hasn't noticed me, yet.

"HIRAI MOMO?!" 

My brain didn't even require a second to register that the deep, loud, obnoxious belonged to Jeongyeon. I hastened my steps, making a sharp turn at a corner and started running back home. I didn't expect to lose one of our school's fastest runner with a headstart like that.

"YAH, HIRAI MOMO! YOU'RE HIRAI MOMO AREN'T YOU!? STOP RUNNING YOU BIH!" she screamed as her voice gets louder and louder. She was getting closer and closer to me.

I eventually ran out of stamina and stopped running. I guess just eating instant noodles really takes a hit on your health. There was ABSOLUTELY no way I would've out ran Jeongyeon, not when I was carrying a grocery bag.

"Okay," I panted, "I.. I give up", I said in short stuttering breaths. 

"Yah, you sure made me ran quite alot." Jeongyeon replied with a strong and stable voice. She didn't seem tired at all from all that running.

"What the is with your stamina?" I wiped the sweat of my face and continued, "Why aren't you sweating or even panting at all?"

"Excuse you? Do you have any idea who you're speaking to right now? You're talking to the school's be-"

"Hai, Hai!" (yes, yes in japanese), I cut Jeongyeon off while she was bragging. "So what's the 'school BEST runner' doing here?" I teased, making the air quotes gesture with my fingers as I mentioned that.

"I'm here for you."

I'm here for you. Her words sinked into my head and then i realized why she was here, The whole running away from Jeongyeon after stepping out of 7-Eleven made me forget about the pain I was feeling in my heart.

"Oh ... and why is there a need for that?" My pitch lowered and my head started to bend downwards. We both knew what was up. I asked an unintelligent question.

"Comeon now Momo, we've been friends for almost a year now! I know exactly what's up with you right now. Why you've chosen to skip school for the past few days, why you've been so quiet amongst the others lately, and also why you are in pain." Jeongyeon 

"I'm fine..." I lied. I couldn't bring myself to look up and see Jeongyeon straight into her eyes. I knew, that she knew.

"That's funny," Jeongyeon snapped back. "You don't look fine to me at all."

"Really, Jeongyeon, I'm fine, I ..."

"..." I couldn't bring myself to say anything. There was no way i would've been able to lie to Jeongyeon. Not only am I a bad liar, but Jeongyeon knows me inside out.

Jeongyeon had always been there for me in my worst times and also helped me in all sorts of ways. Jeongyeon was that one friend that would go out of her ways to always to get me happiness, even if it meant sacrificing her own. She knows me better than I do myself probably too.

Tears started to form beyond my control.

Eh? I'm ... crying? I tried to blink back my tears desperately, but it was a meaningless and futile act. Tears kept lining up one after another and eventually I started to sob. My legs started to jelly and my whole body was shivering. I couldn't stand off my own two feet.

I crippled forward, into Jeongyeon's embrace. Her arms opened up to me automatically, like she had seen it all coming. Jeongyeon held onto me firmly and my back profusely, not saying a single word.

I loosened my grip on the grocery bag, and it made a thud sound as it hit the floor.

"It hurts ..." I spoke up, after what seemed like a minute of me clinging onto Jeongyeon tightly. I couldn't let go.

"It hurts so much I feel like my heart's about to explode." i grieved.

"It hurts so much that I can't breathe." I cried out. "Jeongyeon, I really can't do this anymore"

Words that were being spoken felt like daggers rushing straight for my heart, stabbing me in the most callous way possible.

With each word I spoke, my heart sank even deeper. Communicating my pain out to Jeongyeon ached, but bottling up my feelings hurt even more. 

"I know..." Jeongyeon comforted me as she continued to have me in her arms, patting my back. "It will all be fine," she tried to reassure me.

Never once did Jeongyeon loosen her grip on me. She held me firmly, making sure I knew she was there for me (which of course I knew).

Jeongyeon had me in her arms like how a mother would have had her baby in her arms. Tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. The more I tried to keep the tears in, the more the tears poured out. My tears drenched Jeongyeon's clothes. 

After what seemed like a good 10 minutes of us standing out there in the cold, I finally stopped crying and pulled myself, slowly but steadily away from Jeongyeon.

"Jeongyeon I'm sorry," I choked back a sob. "The back of your shirt is wet now I-" I tried to ignore the fact that I just cried but Jeongyeon wouldn't let that pass.

"Momo, it's okay." She said in a firm, reassuring voice while patting hard on my shoulders. Her voice warmed my heart, it alleviated pain away from my heart. 

"Welps, since you've drenched my shirt with your stinking tears, don't you think you ought to do a little something to make up for it?" her tone changed to easen up the tense atmosphere and she gave me a sly look.

Riding the obviously lighter mood created by Jeongyeon, I smiled at her and chuckled, "Alright alright I'll carry you bronze scrub into gold."

As things took place, the sky turned dim and I popped the question, "Have you eaten dinner yet?"

"Not really, I came to look for you right after classes ended," she replied while casually rasping her hair.

"Well, if you don't mind just instant noodles and eggs, you can come over to my house for dinner i guess?" I suggested, picking up the grocery bag that had been neglected since. 

Jeongyeon scanned the sky and checked her phone. "Yeah, it's getting late and it feels like it's about to rain so ... I guess?"

Jeongyeon made a phone call home to tell her parents that she wouldn't be coming home for dinner and also that she would be staying overnight at my place to take care of me. Her parents almost instantly agreed to her request, pitying me for being alone in Korea without my family and all sorts of stuff. I had been to Jeongyeon's house for quite a few times to do group projects. Jeongyeon's parents were good people, they fed me lots and also took great care of me.

We then made our way to my house, each talking about funny and frustrating moments we've had in League of Legends, with Jeongyeon leading the conversation, and me leading the way.

The pain in my heart had started to mitigate unconsciously.

Thank you Yoo Jeongyeon. I muttered to myself.

It hurts ... because I'm not the one you want.

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