Holding your hands
I was dancing last night
Your beautiful one last smile
was shining so bright
Red Orange Yellow Green, I don’t know the ecstasy
It’s not for the world
that I see and feel

Big Bang "Last Dance"

I remember that particular day dawned very cloudy. It's been a very hot spring, so a gray dawn surprised me. I guess if I'd paid more attention, I would have noticed the signs that it would be a dark day in my life and a day I hardly never forget.

It's strange as we always take things for granted. As if people we love were never going to fade or they'd never leave. Unfortunately it was something I learned too late.

Our relationship ended more than a year ago. And after almost 5 years together, I realized, or at least I wanted to believe, that I needed something more. We had been together so long that I no longer knew if it was love or just an habit. So I take the stupid decision to leave you.

Of course you didn't take it well at first. You thought it was only a stage and that soon we would get back together. But it wasn't like that. I started dating someone who caught my eye. He was totally different from you and more like me. Same tastes, same music, clothes, movies. It was like finding a part of me that I would never have with you and I fell in love.

I told you everything before you knew it for others. And that devastated you. I could see in your eyes how the pain seized you. I never meant to hurt you. But it was something that had to happen, not that I didn't love you anymore. But I needed this new world that he offered me. If I had known that we would have this end, I would have told you how much I loved you, how important you were in my life...

For the first few months I know you still had the hope that it was something temporary. Because we were always in touch, I didn't want you out of my life and you still protected me. I still needed to hear your voice and feel your eyes full of love. I was selfish, I know. But for some reason I couldn't let you go.

Six months into my new relationship, and you and I began to distance ourselves. Between my recurring trips abroad and your busy schedules, we lost contact. In time I found out you were avoided me. Our friends told me you weren't doing well. You no longer saw them and you hardly left the house.

I tried to look for you, I called you but you never answered, you just answered my messages with monosyllables. And my relationship, due to my constant travels wasn't very good either. So I just left it. How much I regret it. If only I had written one more sentence. If only I had called you one more time ...

But suddenly one day you called me. It was you who looked for me and invited me out. I told you I had my full schedule all week, so we agreed to get together for the weekend.
After what seemed strangely like an eternity, you picked me up. When I saw you in the doorway I realized how much I missed you. How much I missed your eyes that still were full of love, your sweet voice when you said my name and your smile, which now seemed forced. If I had known what was going through your mind that night ...

We went to eat at my favorite place, that place that I couldn't never share with him. Because it was always just ours. I never told you. How much I regret it...

We talk about everything. I told you how bad my relationship was and you, contrary to what I thought you would say, you advised me. You told me I should give him more time, and sometimes I should just give in. I think I fell in love with you once again then. Suddenly I saw you as someone noble and too pure for me. I loved you more than ever... I should have told you... I should...

After dinner we went to walk to that beautiful place near the rocks. Seaside. Our secret place. Where it all began and it all ended. Of course you didn't let it pass. This was the place where two teenagers who just started learning about life, felt for the first time the need to say I love you. Our first kiss, our first date, our first time and Our last time...
I remember your words perfectly...

"Let me ask you one more thing before the night ends. Would you give me Just one last dance." Our last dance. If I had known I'd never let you go.

That night we danced on the wet sand, barefoot and with music that was only in our heads. I always wanted to ask you if you thought about the same song as me. I should have asked you that night ...

After midnight the temperature went down and got very cold, so we decided to end our date and you took me to my home. I remember the road home was very quiet. But not an awkward silence, but that silence where you only need to feel the presence of the other person to be at peace. We looked at each other a few times and I had that terrible need to kiss you. But I didn't do it because I know you'd have rejected me and I'm not the typo who cheats. You never would have let me.

When we got to my house you left me at the door. I sincerely hoped you would kiss me. I was hoping you would hug me and never let me go again...
And you did, but not as I expected.
You hugged me so suddenly that I didn't know how to react, so I just stood there trying to figure out what to do. You hugged me so hard, that for a moment I thought you wanted to hurt me.
But after a moment I hugged you with the same intensity. Then you separated a little, I wanted to complain, but you looked me in the eyes with so intensity that I couldn't speak. 

You leaned so subtly, testing if you should or not or Do it. I couldn't help it, I wanted it as much as you did, and our lips met. It was subtle, soft, fearful. Just like our first kiss, and suddenly all our memories together came to my mind. 
All the trips, the plans to have an agency of singers and models, where it would be you who would train them. The idea of studying interior design and being able to travel the world learning new designs. Those plans to get married and have a couple of kids. Our silly fights for not being able to choose whether we would have a studio or a playroom. All those details came back to me. And I understood. I finally understood... You were saying goodbye. You were letting me go...

When we separated we were both crying. You wiped my tears with your thumbs so subtly, as if I were going to break. You kissed my forehead and said everything would be all right. I looked into your eyes and I couldn't decipher what I saw. You hugged me again and your voice broke.

 "Thank you for letting me love you and thank you very much for making me feel loved. "

I tried to speak and say something with all my strength. But I couldn't stop crying. You just hugged me harder and you kept up with your speech.

"I know you'll be fine. I really hope you're happy and never stop smiling. Tell that fool that if he makes you cry I'll come back from hell if is necessary just to protect you."

We both laughed. I know you were trying to brighten the mood. We would see each other again. That was obvious. But for some reason I felt that you were leaving me for good. How I wish had been wrong.

You finally left go of me. You wiped my tears once more time. But this time I cleaned yours too. You took my hands and kissed them.

"I loved you. I love you and I know I will always love you. I'm sorry I failed you. I Know I broke my promise..."

"Don't apologize anymore. Just don't say anything. Everything it's OK  now. We are alright now"

"I love you Soojung, never forget it please"

"Never. I love you, Amber. You know it, right." 

You looked at me and smiled. But it was the saddest smile I ever saw. Your eyes... that's smile never reached your eyes. You kissed my hands again and said goodbye.

" Goodbye".

You said goodbye. No "see you"or "goodnight".  just goodbye. I should have noticed it. I should have paid more attention to the emptiness I felt in my stomach when you turned and walked toward the exit. I must have noticed how my heart jumped and my chest tightened as the sight of your back disappeared.

That night you said good night  with a "goodbye".

A couple of days after that strange farewell I tried to call you again. I needed to talk to you, to know that you were all right. Now I was more confused than ever. What I feel for him is nice. It makes me feel safe, comfortable, loved. But I couldn't get out of my head or my heart what I felt for you.

After the fourth attempt and the fourth failure of trying to communicate with you. I gave up and the TV. Just to have some noise in the room.

"And now we go with our journalist Kim EunSoon, who informs us of this tragic accident that was registered early in the morning at the Seongsu Bridge."

"That's right GeonSuk. This early morning a particular vehicle collided and fell into the river. Unfortunately, the only passenger didn't survived. The victim would be a young woman of American nationality, her name was Amber Liu, who would have been identified by..." 

My attention stayed in that name. It couldn't be. It had to be a coincidence. Only one name range. It couldn't be her...

"Amber Liu, of American nationality, would have died after the overturning and fall of her vehicle from the Seongsu Bridge..."

"Please... Not her..." 

My cell phone rang and my worst fears came true. I remember that day, when the police called and asked me to identify the body, the sky was gray. It was like if somehow the sky could show the pain I felt at that moment.