Truth
Inner ThoughtsCHAPTER 4
I smiled tiredly, dance practice wag pretty tiring to start with. I felt a bit dizzy as if my world is going side to side alternately, my eyes began to waver and slowly closing my eyes bit by bit, my head was dropping ever so slowly forward but before it hit the bus seat handle, a hand caught it and placed my head on its shoulders. I opened my eyes and saw Seungkwan’s fond smile, I kissed his cheeks and smiled cheekily. I rested my head on his shoulder properly and drift off to sleep.
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Things have calmed down for about 4 minutes, when suddenly they messaged me again. ‘I already lowered my pride, it’s no use…’ Seungkwan messaged, ‘Suddenly, it felt good to be single, I have no problems and I can save my money more. Haha’ Seungcheol messaged. It clicked, they have broken up already. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt, what if I didn’t scold them as I did earlier, would they still be together? What if I became their gateway, would they understand each other more? Questions after questions came into my mind. I shouldn’t be the one interfering on their relationship, even though they both went to me to ask for advices, I still feel like I’m the reason why they broke up.
The feeling became too heavy; my eyes began to make its own falls of tears. I didn’t know why I was crying, I didn’t know why I feel useless and guilty, I didn’t know why I’m feeling this way even though I shouldn’t. Seungkwan seem to realize that and began to be cold towards me. I made things worst and I know that too much. I was crying so much even though I shouldn’t, I don’t even have the strength to wipe my tears, these past few days are just too much to handle I couldn’t stop crying, all those tears I have been hiding for 2 years fell down all at once, and with that, I cried myself to sleep.
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Today doesn’t have any difference as the other days are, I was still not on my usual self, and I sleep more and more in class enough to send me to detention. My thoughts became more consumed by Seungcheol and Seungkwan’s break up, I couldn’t focus at all. I sighed; probably whoever heard me sigh for the nth time of the week will be pleasured to hit my head on the school founder’s statue. I was out of mood, too depressed to whatever it is, face showing no emotion, body too tired to move around and a heart that is almost close to being frozen.
‘Is there anyone who isn’t busy right now?’ I messaged on our group chat consisting of me, Seungkwan, Jeonghan and Jun. Jun and Jeonghan are one of our closest friends we do everything with them, but ever since they started their part-time job we had less time with them unless if they asked us to go to the café or something. Seungkwan saw my message but didn’t bother to reply, I was being more and more pissed off to start with. ‘Fine then,’ I messaged again and left the group chat. I couldn’t control my feelings, my rage and everything. I don’t even know what is going on anymore, I’m confused, tired, drained, unstable and all.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Seungkwan messaged me, ‘Nothing!’ I replied. I can sense that he’s also worked up, stressed, tired and drained as I am. He was pissed off too. ‘Okay. Fine then, so be it.’ He replied again and stopped messaging. ‘Fine! You don’t care anyways’ I said. My eyes swelling up again for the 3rd time this week and my heart began shrinking as if it doesn’t let any blood go through anymore. It was difficult to breathe, I wanted to shout but I kept everything in again as I usually do. ‘Hansol-ah~ Are you okay?’ Jeonghan messaged me, ‘Beoneon~ why?’ Jun messaged me. Compared to Seungkwan’s answer, I felt somewhat calm with their message. I just replied ‘Nothing, I’m okay, Don’t worry, I’m just not in the mood’ I said. Honestly it would be really surprising that they messaged almost the same content of ‘If you have any problems or worries whatsoever, feel free to message us okay? We’re here for you’. I replied with an okay and Jeonghan went back to his work while Jun began to talk to me. I can feel my mood lifting for a bit, I was occupied with Jun and his magical research about a certain guy named Minghao, which was by chance my friend in dance club, but all good things ends all so sudden he had to go back to his work.
I laid my face on my desk, too lazy with everything; I should’ve just stayed on my bed all day. I let out a deep breath just to take the suffocating feeling I’m having right now. The bell rang saving me from another scolding my math teacher was about to give me. I stood up and packed my bag. “Hyung!” I cheerful sound called my attention, standing all cute and adorable in front of the doorway, Chan was being his usual self. “Chan-ah!” I replied trying to give my best smiling face as I approached him, “Stop faking it, you’re the worst in acting hyung,” he frowned. I sighed and showed him my true emotion. “That’s better even though it looks ugly on you, Lets go to the café?” he asked, suddenly remembered that I have detention this day, “I think I’ll pass, got detention today,” I said. He smile brighter, “Good job, what did you do today? I got one too,” he smiled cheekily while showing his detention paper. “Why did you even ask me to go to the café with you if you have detention as well?” I asked chuckling. Somehow Chan took the suffocating feeling away. “I was trying to skip the detention but since you got one too…” he said. I smiled and just chuckled.
We went to detention together and just chatted until the time ended, before going out he went to me and gave me a back hug, “Hyung… please tell me what’s wrong when you feel down okay? It kinda hurts when you’re like that,” he said slowly, and quietly, in a small voice to be exact. I moved away for a bit and smiled at him, “Let’s go to the café?” I said. He frowned for a bit but then smiled again nodding. We went to the café near our school and sat at our usual place, it feels a bit spacious coz I got used to having 4 bodies in this seat. I ordered an iced Americano and Chan ordered a cookies and cream cheesecake and an iced chocolate drink. We were in the middle of chatting when he suddenly said, “Hyung don’t look behind okay?” he said while smiling fondly. As if by cue I heard a very familiar voice.
“Stop asking me about Seungkwan, guys really, we’re like over for 9 months already, move on,” he said. Even without looking, I know it was Mingyu’s voice. Mingyu was Seungkwan’s boyfriend after me; he was the reason why Seungkwan was so broke for so long that it took a toll on his grades and social life. Seungkwan was hurt, betrayed, broken to say the least. He loved Mingyu more than he loved me, he begged and cried in front of him just for them to get back together. He drunk, smoked and all the bad habits that can be adapted just to move on from him, until Seungcheol came and took him back to normal. “But why though?” his friend asked, judging by the deepness of his voice it was probably Wonwoo. We only met for a short time; we didn’t get that close because I was a bit distant to him because all he do was hurt Seungkwan. “Just…” Mingyu replied. “Just what?” his other friend asked, “It’s that Vernon, Seungkwan’s ex-boyfriend turned bestfriend. I feel like I’m in some kind of competition with him. Seungkwan loves that Vernon guy but he kept denying it more than ever, saying that he loves me and not Vernon. Honestly, they’re practically meant for each other but they don’t even realize that. I love Seungkwan but I know he’s more meant to be with Vernon, by hurting him often, I want to let him realize that Vernon was always there for him so that why I decided to let him go,” Mingyu sighed; I sensed that slight disappointment and bitterness on his voice. I felt bad even more, hating him before for always hurting Seungkwan but in fact I was the one who was hurting him the most. I was about to stand up and leave but Chan held me and shook his head no.
I didn’t know anything anymore, my sense went numb, my heart fully frozen and my brain was ready to crack itself open. The order came and I took a sip of my iced Americano, not minding the bitterness of the coffee, it was like my whole life. Cold and bitter, no sweetness found, dark and already full.
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