CHAPTER 1

It was just one normal day, I sat at the corner of the room and stared at the scene. It’s funny how much relieved the class looks like after passing the chapter one of that stupid research paper we had as our requirement. I questioned myself about how much do I need this research paper, but then I sighed and simply said it’s for the grade.

Even with the relieving feeling, cool breeze, faint laughter and little murmurings that surround me, my heart can’t seem to be relieved at all. Something inside me is quite bothering, like I’ve been stabbing my skin with water balloons and all; in short it was really unexplainable and different. I thought, maybe it’s because of my unknown heart condition but maybe not. This came around just a few days ago, Saturday, with the lazy feeling I felt that day but with just one message woke me up from my daydreaming self.

I question myself more than I question the whole world, more that I question my parents and teachers, more than I question my dog who doesn’t even speak human to me. I question myself about my life decisions, such as why did I eat cookies for breakfast, why I choose my red striped sweater with my checker skirt. I question my own life, but what I question the most is about my feelings. My feelings from the past love, my feelings for my friends, my feelings for everything. I shouldn’t be even feeling this in the first place, I already said that it ended, like for thousands of time I have always used it as an excuses.  “It’s already in the past,” “It already ended”, “There’s no chance” I keep convincing myself for almost a year and a half.

Why does it always happen? Whenever I feel that I’m okay, I’m no longer attached, I’m no longer affected, I always end up eating my own words like it’s a piece of mango fruit mixed with soy sauce, it taste heavenly yet a bit disgusting in words. I stared with the new picture that was added to my gallery, he was still smiling in an adorable fashion, like a mochi filled with ice cream. I stared at it for a minute and closed my laptop, going back to my original seat and stared at the board.

My heart was restless; it was painful, as if my whole heart was falling down in the pit of my stomach ready to be digested. I snapped out of my dazed after realizing that I kept making all those disgusting metaphors and similes. I sighed, probably the nth time of the day. It was clearly indescribable, the pain I’m feeling right now. It started all because of him. Boo Seungkwan. We were in a relationship before, we weren’t merely just best friends, we were boyfriends.

I sighed again of the nth time. Memories of the past 2 years have been flashing back, my heart keeps shrinking and shrinking as these memories came one by one. All those innocent touches, loving gazes, sweet moments and soft laughters. It was beautiful yet so painful to watch. I missed him so much, maybe the reason why we’re still best friends is because I’m still attached, I’m still worried and still concerned, and at most I still loved him. I still loved Boo Seungkwan even if I deny it, even if I hide it, I’m still in fact in love with him. I have realized it, it was all a lie, the day I woke up with no feelings, the day I held his hand but no spark came, the day when I squished his cheeks but I didn’t feel in euphoria, I have realized it all, it was all a lie.

I stared again, went out of the class while the teacher was busy on his own laptop. I went to the comfort room and entered a stall. As girly as it looked, I just sat down, took deep breathes and a tear was so close to falling, but it was stopped when my phone rang. I held back all feelings that might be obvious and answer. “Kwannie~!” 

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