Anxiety
Inner ThoughtsCHAPTER 2
A very normal day or rather a bit extra ordinary. Today was Seungkwan’s performance at the auditorium, he was given a chance to perform for someone’s concert and I was feeling a bit giddy. Today is the day I would be confessing my love for him, well maybe after the performance I guess.
The lights turned off and it was Seungkwan’s turn to perform. He sang in detail, all movement was calculated, emotions were being conveyed and everything seems to be fitting just right. It is an understatement if I said it was perfect. I breathe all the oxygen my lungs can fill and hold the person next to me. “Joshua! Here it is!” I said as I held tightly to him, Seungkwan belted out his high note and it took me breathless like all the oxygen I breathe disappeared. The audience clapped and cheered at the ending leaving Seungkwan flustered and overwhelmed. A tint of pink was shown on his cheeks as he bowed down and went off stage.
The show ended and everyone in the auditorium went out one by one. Joshua was waiting for us outside as I was waiting for Seungkwan at the backstage. “You were great there by the way!” I complimented. “Thank you, though I had a few mistakes and I almost slipped on stage but yeah thank you,” he said as his cheeks bloomed. I took his things as usual and went outside with hands held together. We’re in no relationship but with our hands linked together it felt like it’s a normal thing for us. “Ah, Seungkwan. I have something to tell you,” I said trying my best to be confident. Joshua was infront of us not wanting to see the entire ‘love-y dove-y’ thing. “I like you, I mean more than a friend. Like I like-like you and I want to be your boyfriend and all an-,“ “I like you too and I want to be your boyfriend Hansol Vernon Chwe!” he said cutting all the explanations I had. I was shocked, nervous and a pang of euphoria hit me. “Wait, you’re not answering yes like you’re answering some kind of test right?” I asked just to be sure. “I said yes, I’d want to be your boyfriend. Do you want me to take it back or not?” he sassed like it’s the very normal thing to do, I stared at him with quite an utter shock. “Joshua! Vernon’s not accepting my love for him!” he whined like a baby. Joshua just chuckled and shook his head. I stared at Seungkwan fondly and just smiled, tightening my grasp.
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“I have something to tell you! Are you in class?” He asked, I shook my head in disagreement as if we’re talking face-to-face. “No” I said. “Good, there’s something you didn’t know and I haven’t told you about it yet,” he said sounding a bit uncertain. I sighed for the nth time.
“Boo Seungkwan, I swear if you’re just going to sing to me again I’m so dropping this call,” I while I was standing up and going outside of the comfort room. Finding peace at the school garden. “No~ but here me out first~ Vernonie~” he cooed, my heart dropped again and I hate this suffocating feeling. “What?” I asked a bit impatient, even though I know what he would say, it would probably be about him and Seungcheol, his other ex-boyfriend. “Hmm, Seungcheol and I are… me and Seungcheol are…” he said stuttering as if he’s looking for a word to describe the situation. “We’re in a relationship now,” he said finally. I was quick to process things and so is my heart, another shrinking of heart, pondering walls and untangling of heart strings it was, I only muttered a short ‘oh’. “Yah! Aren’t you happy for me?” he asked. “Yah! Stupid, are you sure with that? Last time we talked about Seungcheol hyung you were confused and then broke up with him,” I said scolding him. Oh just a short reminder or just a short info, we’re not on the same school. “Yeah, but I’m hundred percent sure that I’m no longer confused with my feelings,” he said, I heard a faint sound of a bell ringing. “Boo Seungkwan, I swear if you’re still confused with your goddamn feeling I’m going to hit your head on the school founder’s statue just remember that. Oh and also if you hurt Seungcheol hyung,” I told him, half-ly joking and half-ly threatening him. Well if the case is that Seungkwan hurt Seungcheol hyung, I’d definitely going to bang his head on the statue but if Seungcheol hyung will hurt Seungkwan, I’ll make sure that it’s not just Jihoon hyung’s guitar and the founder’s statue that will hit his head. “Wow finally Hansol Vernon Chwe became very supportive with my relationship,” I teased. “For your information, I’m not supporting your relationship, but I can’t say anything else for now because I’m waiting for either of you to screw your relationship up,” I teased back, well with a hint of truth and pain mixed with the words I spat out. “Hmp” he said and dropped the call. I stood up from my seat and went back to my room. Luckily my teacher still hadn’t noticed I was gone for quite a while.
The bell rang and I stood up fixing my bag. My mind is still being occupied with my conversation with Seungkwan earlier. My heart began to drop and my heart began to sink deeper. I sighed trying to remove this feeling of whatever there is but it won’t stop. “Hey,” a familiar voice echoed, I looked where the voice came from and saw Joshua on the doorway. I ran up to him and we walked on the hallway. “You looked gloomy, tell me what happened,” he started. I sighed and ran my hands on my hair. “Why do you always read me so easily? It frustrates me so much,” I whined but he just chuckled and rested his elbow on my shoulder. “Coz you’re easy to read, stupid!” he said and pushed me softly. “It’s nothing really, just had a bad day or maybe I got a cold or something.” I said, “Well don’t let your baby Boo know coz he’ll throw fits and you know that.” He said as if it was a-matter-of-fact. “Well it is a matter of fact Mr. Chwe so stop whining. Don’t tell me you’re still deeply in-love with your baby Boo,” he said quite easily with a hint of teasing at the back of his tongue. “No I’m not, I’m over him okay? It’s been two years, and as a matter of fact he has a boyfriend now and not to mention we’re just best friends,” I said bitterly leaving a taste at the end of my tongue as I rolled out the word ‘best friend’. “Don’t lie to me Chwe, I can read you remember?” he said and glared at me, I stopped by my locker and opened it, taking all the things I need and leaving the things I wouldn’t use. “Stop saying that, seriously I’m over with my feelings for Seungkwan,” lies. “and stop calling him baby Boo, coz he’s just chubby cheeks face,” I said as I closed my locker. “Then suit yourself,” he said, finally stopped bugging me about my feelings which are totally existent and as a matter of fact hidden in the depths of the Bermuda triangle a.k.a. my heart, soul and mind.
I absently walked to my house, and I soon as I get there I groaned in despair. I threw myself on my bed and groaned again making annoying noises. I stared at the ceiling, thinking whether I should tell about my feelings or not. Something tells me that I should but I can’t coz there is also a factor that is stopping me and that it the infamous ‘I told you so’ phrase. My friends told me so, Seungkwan friends told me, everyone that is existing told me so, that I was in fact still in love with him and no matter how hard I try to stop my feeling nor thinking about my feeling and also no matter how much I deny it, I still do and will always do. I sighed for again the nth time of the day that even whoever reads my thoughts would be pretty much be annoyed will all the sighing and groaning I did in just one day. I stared again at the ceiling and on my bed, all the good and sweet memories in this room flashes back to back and I felt my heart strings breaking apart deforming my heart, my lungs shrinking as if I smoked 3 packets of cigarette a day, and my whole body went numb. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, stored everything in a box, hide it in the elevator and walk away, I opened my eyes and it was all gone.
I took my phone, sat up and checked my Facebook account. Scrolling down, a picture just took a toll on me, with a caption of ‘Finally’, two lovely couples was smiling brightly on my screen, one is a bit shy and the other one looks like he won the lottery. It was posted yesterday and I began to question why I only saw this now, a confirmation of the relationship between my best friend and my other best friend. I felt a pang of guilt, anxiety and also jealousy. Seungcheol hyung was really lucky, he had another chance, it was only one day that Seungkwan didn’t contact him and it was just a month after they got back together. He was lucky that he’s receiving all the care Seungkwan can give that was honestly, wasn’t given to me. He was lucky indeed to hold the hand of someone I treat as my universe. I stopped staring when I have noticed that a tiny droplet of tear fell on my phone screen. I can feel that I have lost, more than I have to Mingyu, with that I let my tears fall.
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