I hate you… I tell my friends and family that I feel better not having you in my life. That I’ve moved on. But it’s all a lie. You know that I hate lying. I don’t want to lie. It kills me knowing that I pretend to be okay when deep down I still feel the pain. I hate that everything came crashing down on us in just a short amount of time and that as of now I am nothing to you. I have so many questions, but you won’t answer them. It seems like you don’t even care, you won’t even look at me. How is it that you moved on so fast while I’m here with a broken heart in tears? Why did I have to find out the truth through someone else instead of you? Am I not worth your honesty? Why is it that you couldn’t see yourself having a future with someone of the same gender? Are you ashamed? Was everything between us even real? Why did you lead me on? When did it suddenly become a game? How dare you do that to me…

I know you’re still in love with him. I can see it. By the way you blush even at the mention of his name. Or how your eyes light up when you start talking about him. Did you know that it hurts me? It kills me even more when I have to put up a strong face and pretend that I don’t care that you have feelings for him. I feel like a knife goes through my heart every time. After all that time we spent together… Does it mean nothing to you? I gave you everything, even when I had nothing. I tried to be the best that I could be because you deserved the best. I loved you so much, you came first before anything and anyone, even my best friend. You were my world, my universe. You said that I was your rock, the one you could lean on for support. The person you felt the safest with. I wanted to protect you, to be your hero. I would move mountains, sail the seas, take a bullet to prove my love for you. I put up so much from your family and friends to make sure that you wouldn’t get hurt, so that you could be happy and I could see your smile. I sacrificed, gave up opportunities, and ruined relationships, that are struggling to be mended, to ensure that you’d be my first priority. I hate that I am hurting more than you are. Why is it so unfair? It’s because that is my fault too. I was stupid. I thought you loved me the same way. People say you do stupid things when you’re in love. I definitely did that because I was so naïve, so blinded by love thinking that you’d be the one for me and do the same for me. In the end, I got nothing. Not even an apology or an explanation from your own mouth. I was left clueless.

I want revenge. I want you to feel regret…. Be regretful for letting me go. To feel jealous that I’m no longer yours, but someone else’s. To feel sad that I’m happier without you, that letting me go was a mistake. That the idea of someone else’s hands and lips on my skin boils your blood. I want you to feel lonely like I did on those endless nights waiting for you to reach out to me. I want you to want me back but then feel terrible after being rejected. Every time I see you or hear about you my chest tightens as a reminder of the pain you inflicted on my heart. I want you to feel the same thing or at least something, to feel the pain that I felt because now I feel numb. 

You broke my heart. Crushed it into a million pieces and I don’t even have the strength to mend it back together because I am too worn out from fighting. Fighting for us at least, but it seems like all my efforts went to waste because you couldn’t do the same. You gave me up. I wish you’d come back to me... Truthfully only a fool would wish for that. But I am a fool. Every time I think about you I feel anger, disappointment, and sad. I don’t want to feel this way but that is how I feel towards you. But you know what’s sick? I may feel all these emotions, have these terrible memories, and say that I hate you. But at the end of the day. A small part of me still cares for you… I think to myself “why do I do that? I shouldn’t care about you”, but in reality, I still love you. My friends say that you didn’t deserve me at all. Now I feel like I’m brainwashing myself. Every time when I think about you, I remind myself of the pain and heartache you caused me and I say to myself “you don’t deserve me”. I hate that I’m scared. Because of you I’m scared to love someone else. I’ve put these walls around my heart because I’m afraid that they will hurt me the same way you did. I want to love them, I really do… I want to give my heart to them and show them how much I love them… But how can I do that when my heart is still with you? Please princess, give it back…You don’t need it. All it is doing now is collecting dust in that box of never to return, along with everything else I ever gave or shared with you.

I feel like it’s been so long since I last felt 100% myself, and being truly happy. I miss that person. I want to move on. I want to be happy.