pairing: Sunggyu/Woohyun
prompt: Woohyun doesn't want to remember Sunggyu like this.
rating: T (violence, blood).
words: 1.900

mono no aware (物の哀れ)

Woohyun holds a chuckle when he looks up to the sky. It's clouded, showing a dark grey colour which he hates, because it reminds him of cigarettes’ smoke and sleepless nights. Multiple sirens can be heard in the background, and he can almost see the ambulances and the police cars making his way through hustling streets. A few of his co-workers in those cars probably think that they still have time, but Woohyun knows best. It's too late now. He shouldn't have trusted a moonless night.

The wound on his thigh is still throbbing, and it takes all of his efforts not to cry. He's always disliked blood and how it looks black instead of red under the streetlights. Being shot hurts, Myungsoo was right. Thinking about his friend’s words makes Woohyun let out a shaky breath, and he ends up closing his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. The last time he saw him was seconds before the raid started, but he lost sight of him midway. It all had been a trap. Gangnam's Police Corps expected maybe ten, fifteen men. They could have handle twenty of them. But definitely not thirty. He can still hear some shooting, and people screaming for help, but he can't tell the voices apart anymore. He feels dizzy, and the bullet inside of him makes "running away" not an option anymore. Truth be told, he's waiting for someone to get to the rooftop and kill him quickly. How is he supposed to live after seeing some of his closest friends dying in front of him? Honestly, life can't take anything else away from Woohyun, because all that is left is an empty rooftop with a bloody and dirty boy who regrets becoming a man.

Although he has never been religious, Woohyun prays for his mom. What did that woman do to give life to a man so selfish that's going to abandon her so soon? He prays so his father can be enough for her.

A sudden noise brings him back to the cold night. Someone has finally reached the place, and Woohyun tenses, considering his two options. Option A, it's one of his, and that's the only scenery that allows him to think that he'll live long enough to see another dawn. Option B, it's one of them. Howon would be so disappointed if he knew how ready Woohyun is to beg for a quick death.

He listens to the quiet steps, slowly getting closer to his position. For a couple of seconds he considers to close his eyes and just wait for what life has prepared for him. But then, if things go wrong, he thinks that he would like to see his killer's face. When the man comes fully into his vision, Woohyun dares to smile.

"I think this is the first time that I’m glad to see you, Joohyuk" he jokes as the young officer lowers the gun and kneels down next to Woohyun, eyes fixed on his thigh.

". What are we going to do?" It's barely a whisper but Woohyun catches the words anyway. His smile disappears under a feeling of helplessness, and he can do nothing but watch as Joohyuk gets up again, legs trembling and cheeks drenched with tears. It's not fair.

"We wait. I heard the sirens, reinforcements are on its way." He lies. Yeah, he heard the sirens a while ago, but the truth is that their co-workers should have got there already. He heard gunshots a few minutes ago, which means that whoever tried to get into the building didn't get too far.

"You think we'll survive?" Joohyuk asks, and it makes Woohyun’s soul shatters. No. He wants to say, because he doesn't want his last words to be a lie. No, we probably won't survive. If I were you I would jump off the building to avoid a worse death.

They won't survive, but Woohyun doesn't say that. He knows what Joohyuk wants to hear, what he needs to hear. So he manages to pull on a little smile, one of those "it's not a big deal" smiles that annoys Howon so much.

“We will.”

Joohyun stops trembling just before a bullet comes in and out of his head.

The body falls to the ground. Woohyun parts his lips to scream, but no sound comes out. He starts breathing harshly, which causes his chest to hurt. His tears get mixed with the blood on his shirt. Woohyun can feel his mind drifting away.

This is it. He's going to die. No more sundays with his family, no more walking home after a rough night feeling the cold wind caressing his skin. No more singing in the shower, no more nights out with his friends. Woohyun has no expectations of life beyond death, or anything like it. There is nothing he can hold onto except maybe a pair of brown little eyes looking at him through the morning light, filled with love.

Life is so unfair.

When the other man reaches him, Woohyun's too drained to raise his head up. He thought that he would like to see the face of the man who's going to end him, but in the end his eyes are fixated in Joohyuk's hands, where he notices something that he's never seen before. An engagement ring.

"Woohyun?"

No.

It can't be.

It must be a joke, Woohyun thinks, eyes still on his friend's dead body. His weak heart somehow finds enough strength to start beating faster. Tears stop falling and he lies there, unable to move or to say anything. He feels the other man kneeling down and don't, please don't.

This is not how he wants to remember him.

Woohyun closes his eyes and tries to move away from him, letting out a small cry when he feels his thigh burning. He refuses to look at the other man, he doesn't want to see him covered in blood, /Seoul's police officers' blood, his old colleagues' blood/. No, he wants to remember him laughing softly under the sheets, and snoring slightly in the sofa the nights he tried to stay awake waiting for Woohyun to come home after a night shift. He wants to remember how full of love his eyes seemed, and all of the songs that he sang to him. Even though he had betrayed their work, his family and his love, Sunggyu was a good memory.

And Woohyun wants him to stay that way.

But again, nothing good can happen under a moonless sky.

"Woohyun, look at me." Sunggyu says, and his voice sounds so calm it gets on Woohyun's nerves. How can he sound so casual after shooting a man in the head? "Look at me. I'm not asking."

Sunggyu manages to grab Woohyun's head, and after what it feels like an eternity Woohyun opens his eyes, because honestly what other option does he have?

He looks exactly like Woohyun remembers and also different, all at the same time. Physically, he hasn't changed. Maybe his hair is a little bit longer now, but his eyes are still sharp and his cheeks are still full. Woohyun has a photo of the two of them by his bedside table. It was taken four years ago, but in Sunggyu’s case one could say that it had been taken just yesterday. Clearly Sunggyu’s body didn't change as much as his soul did.

"Are you hurt?" the other man asks, and Woohyun feels the need to throw up. He must look terrible because Sunggyu seems genuine worried. When he spots the wound on his thigh, his eyes get a darker tone, and he drops the gun off to examine the injury with both hands. Woohyun chokes on a moan, and he doesn't hesitate to grab the gun Sunggyu dropped, pointing it right to the other man's chest.

Sunggyu only looks distressed for a second.

"Come on, we both know you won't kill me." he says, almost smiling. Woohyun doesn't say anything when Sunggyu takes off his jacket and uses it as a bandage on his wound.

"I ing hate you." the words slip from his mouth, and Woohyun means it with all his heart. Three years ago, when Sunggyu stopped reporting to the central, they all thought that he was dead. Undercover missions hardly ended up in a good way, and Woohyun couldn't stop the tears. He cried almost every night during a month, but he stopped when Sunggyu was seen again. Dressed in expensive clothing and showing the mob tattoo on his nape, no one at the central was able to explain what had happened. Kim Sunggyu was not just Nam Woohyun's boyfriend, he was a brilliant detective, and definitely a good man. No one, not Howon, not Myungsoo, expected him to turn. Woohyun didn't expect him to abandon him like that.

"The bullet's still inside, that's good." when Sunggyu finishes the bandage he looks at Woohyun's face, and he raises his hand to brush the strands of dirty hair -blood and sweat- out of Woohyun's brow. The gesture is too soft, too sweet. Everything's too good to be true, and Woohyun wonders if maybe he's already dead.

"Stop playing with me. Just kill me, please." Woohyun pleads, tired of feeling as if the universe was laughing at him.

"I don't want to kill you, Woohyun." he answers simply, like it's the most obvious thing. Woohyun lets out another sob when Sunggyu takes his gun back. With his free hand he caresses Woohyun's left cheek. When their eyes meet, Sunggyu seems to understand all the questions that Woohyun is not asking. He bows down, tilting his head a little bit, to get even closer. Their foreheads are resting softly against each other, and he drops the gun again so he can take Woohyun's hand on his. He brings the man's hand to his lips, kissing the bloody knuckles. Woohyun shivers when he feels Sunggyu's lips against his skin. He doesn't complain, though, when those lips abandon his hand to meet with his own. Woohyun can taste the iron in his mouth. He parts his lips, and he lets Sunggyu take whatever he wants. Take it all, it doesn't really matter.

Every kiss is a promise, some of love, some of vengeance. What Woohyun is trying to say without words is, if I get out of this alive, I'll make you regret betraying me.

"I hate you." He whispers again once they part for air.

"Me too."

As Sunggyu carries him on his back to get him out Woohyun thinks about how things were before. He thinks about when they two met and couldn't stand each other. He thinks about their big discussion that ended in a make out session and red faces. He thinks about Sunggyu touching his body and kissing every single mole. He thinks about all the broken promises and the cigarettes during late nights. He thinks about all the things that he wants to remember, including their last kiss.

And before everything turns black, Woohyun catches a glimpse of a single tear running down Sunggyu’s face.

Later, Woohyun wakes up in his own bedroom. He's clean, his thigh seems professionally bandaged and doesn't hurt as much as it did.

 There's an ashtray with five finished cigarettes by the bedside table.

The photo of the two of them is gone.