It's been two years since I left. I buried myself with my busy schedule, working on my solo album while attending corporate meetings, doing photoshoots and endorsements, tv filming and other things that could possibly take my mind off what seemed to be the hardest, most painful separation I've ever felt in my entire existence. I spent my teen years in grooming for, preparing for SNSD while I threw the chance of having a normal, typical teenage life for something that is very physically and emotionally exhausting. I cannot believe that it just all went down to this. I used to think that the girls would understand me for 'pursuing my personal endeavours', as I've always wanted to do this. All the hardwork ended up this way, wasted. I wanted to see the end of the road this path we all took together, where we shared one hardship, emotion and love. But I guess nothing lasts forever. Not even the strongest bond I thought nothing could overpower.

/


The time I was officially out of SNSD, I cried myself to sleep. I was alone in my apartment, nobody could hear me sob, which I thought was a good thing. I miss all those years where the nine of us would cram inside a bed room in our dorm, where we would all sit in a circle and talk about all the random things that have been happening to us. I love it every time we do this. I feel like nothing sets us apart, not even the craziest schedules and insane promotions and non stop events.
Of course me and Taeyeon would sit together.
She would lazily lean her head on my shoulder while I heavily lean my head on hers.
I love it when we do this. The touch of skin sends electricity all over my body. The smell of her hair is just as sweet as my favourite perfume. 
I love simple moments like this. 
I just love it, words can't even explain how much I wish moments like this would never end.

But the end came. 
Tragic end. 

Something I never predicted. I might not look like it, but I love to imagine the future. Who doesn't, right?
Especially if you've got someone who you treasure a lot, stuck next to your side and supports you wholeheartedly. 
I've always imagined SNSD's end when we reach our mid to late 30s. Where all of us had announced future wedding plans or news of welcoming a baby or even engagement plans. I thought I would see this with the rest of the girls. 

But 2014 happened.
As much I don't want to go back to it, it was also the year where I started growing by myself. Without nourishment from SM, I established something I loved to pursue. I never thought that I had to sacrifice them and her to be in the state I am in. 

It's December 2016. 
I sat down inside the vocal room after finalising everything for my new album. 
I asked everyone to leave, as it's late and I don't want my staff to spend the remaining days of 2016 stuck in the recording room with me.
I was alone and as I looked at my macbook, an ad with SNSD's face showed up. After 2 years, I stopped choking up with tears every time I see them without me. All the regrets and pain seem to have been stuck at the back of my mind, and purposely never came out again.

I opened youtube and in my home screen, 11:11 was suggested. Since it was released, I never had the guts to listen to this. 
Maybe it's because it's December, that I am feeling brave and emotional. I clicked the link.

My heart was beating fast for some reason. I have no idea what the song is about, nor what her new song even sounds like. 

It’s 11:11
When there’s not much time left to the day
When we used to make wishes and laugh
Everything reminds me of you


The wind is as cold as the edge of your heart
When I open the window, you blow in
When this time passes
Will this break up be over?
Will I forget you?
Everything finds its place and leaves
You took all of me and left
But like the two hands of the clock in my heart
I keep lingering in the same place
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na oh
Na na na na na na na na
I believe I will be over you


In the calendar
The date that we planned out long ago
If you forgot about it all
I guess I have to erase it
It won’t be a big deal after a while
Everything finds its place and leaves


You took all of me and left
But like the two hands of the clock in my heart
I keep lingering in the same place
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na oh
Na na na na na na na na
I believe I will be over you


Like a strange flower that blooms in between seasons
Like the morning star that hangs between days
All of this, some day
Will pass
Everything finds its place and returns
If I finally smile as if nothing happened
Calling out your name
Won’t hurt as much as it does now
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na oh
Na na na na na na na na
I believe I will be over you
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na oh
Na na na na na na na na


I believe I will be over you


 

I stared at the screen. If you think I'd choke up on my tears, you're right. I suddenly missed her. All those crazy schedules I had must've taken my mind off her. 3 minutes and 50 seconds were enough to bring out all the emotions suppressed within those two years of separation. I decided to download the single. I quickly grabbed my things and I walked as fast as I can to my car. I blasted 11:11 on repeat on my way home. My anxious and aggressive heart calmed down, as shed used to do. She was the one that could take away all my anxiousness and nervousness, and I've always been thankful for that.

/ 

December 2016 went by quickly. I miraculously had a day off despite the crazy December schedule. I lazily lounged in my sofa, turned my tv on and it's MBC's year end show. I took out a bottle of wine and wine glass and poured myself a drink. Few performances later, I saw her. She was wearing a black dress, with her long brown hair tied at the back and flowing smoothly. Her beautiful face was lit up brightly, as if she's an angel in disguise. Then she started singing. My eyes we're glued on the tv as my heart listened to her amazing voice. Her voice was another thing I loved about her. Her voice expressed more emotion than she could with words because of her sometimes timid and awkward personality. She was my angel, and always will be.

Minutes passed, which I didn't realised as I was glued to the tv, listening and watching her. I then took moments to get my breath back. I poured myself another glass of red wine. After I took a sip of it, I saw a familiar name on the screen of my phone. 

It was her. Maybe it was her. 


I miss you


That's what's written on the text.

But then it might just be the wine I thought. So I finished the glass and ignored what seemed to be an impossible text and I just fell asleep on the warm couch, smiling to the thought of her saying she missed me even though I know it's just not possible anymore.



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Hellooooo guyssssss.
Any violent reactions? lol 


Soz for overusing 11:11. I seriously love that song and since I got some readers requesting me to write more than what was planned, I thought I'd just maybe revolve it around 11:11? lmao if I knew I was just gonna end up like this I should've just made 11:11 the title lol