Lee Yun Mi

 

To survive we need love and mechanism to cope with its loss. To survive we need purpose and significance. To survive we need to accept our failures and forgive ourselves.

 

Once and for all.

 

I knew all of that, but I still, didn’t think It would have happened anytime soon, in my case. I wasn’t remotely close to being able to withstand this loss. Suicide has crossed my mind a lot of time the following days my awakening in the hospital. The sight of my brave, active and annoyingly energetic brother being forced into a wheelchair because the accident has taken away from him almost all of his right leg, therefore unable to walk again, wasn’t the only thing that kept me awake at night; the fear of living without someone on hand to smooth me when I’m upset, or someone to handle me calmly when I’m angry or even without someone to resist shaming me when I make a mess. Fear of being forced to a mediocre life and not fully satisfying life in a consequence of a single event that destroyed my wonderful childhood. Have a good normal job, have a family, pay the bills, pay the car insurance, try to please everyone in order to avoid stress, accept this mediocre unoriginal and already seen kind of life with a big fake smile upon my face. Because according to 80% of the human population, living like a hamster in a box was the best way to live in this world. My parents have given me unconditional love, like any other parents, but as they have also broken lots of rules when they were young, I can assure you that I was reckless and very open-minded as I was.

 

Was, because I have no intention of returning on my roots. Maybe not now, maybe never but not yet. With the unconditional support of my parents, I knew I could be anything I wanted. I knew I could do anything I wanted. Love anyone I wanted and I mean it. They weren’t driven by prejudices like other parents. Even though we weren’t the richest or the most religious people, they were the most chill in the entire planet and I earnestly loved them for that.

 

What could I do now though? What could I possibly become without being threatened, belittle; called spoiled, attention seeker, messy, weak, burden, daydreamer because of my pre-existing reckless yet passionate personality. A person that dreamt of becoming an artist, a person who creates art, therefore healing for the soul. Whether it be through painting, sculpture, literature, or music. But how can an artist realize such a dream without a solid base to support him in his failures? How could he/she make it with self-esteem as small as an ant?

 

I wasn’t ignoring the existence of my brother, but in his current state, figures if he had the time to care about my psychological problems. It had already his own problems to take care of. So you might wonder why haven’t I already taken my life, well that’s quite simple. Even though my brother didn't have helped as he should have been, I've decided that I should be useful, for the sake of his mental health. He was already drained and honestly depressed, not as much as me, but he was almost there. If I had any chance to help him regain parts of his previous lifestyle, at least 70/80% of it, I would have done everything possible in me to make that happen. That was the primary reason for me still being in this world. The other reason...I was not deserving of it anymore. So don't ask me about it.

 

Upon my not so great acting skills, I forcefully stop staring at the wall near on the side of the bed I had to share with my cousin, a 19-year-old girl with the only thing with had in common, our green eyes. We were the total opposite of each other apart for that small detail. A simple summary of her would be that she was firstly not Asian mixed like me, but very tall, thin with a little bit of belly, stylish, phone maniac and like any other teenager, eager to finish high school and leave the house to live by herself or with the hundreds of friends she had on Facebook. Normal. Anyway, she wasn't home today, so I took my time to get up from the bed, without anyone commenting on my slow-paced attitude every 2 minutes and headed to my brother's room. Next to my uncle's second daughter. A 15 years old girl too focused on finishing her homework in time and being a diligent student than caring about our affairs.

She didn't even notice my presence as I passed by her open room. I think that she knew about our conditions but did not want to distract herself from her studies. Very clever of her. I wish I could end this condition once and for all. Not only mine but my brother's as quickly as I could. He was talking lively on the phone with, I guessed, a friend of his. Now. I just thought.

 

I forced a bright smile upon my face and knocked on the open door. He turned his head away from the laptop’s screen and glanced at me. “Hey.” I managed to not sound lifeless and keep up the act for at least five minutes. “what you're doing?”

 

He looked like he was not expecting much interest in my part of his life. Maybe he thought I was too absorbed in my problems to worry about him. That sting a little. If I was still in this annoyingly bright world was because of him. And him only. I had to fix this condition of him as quick as I could, to end this life without regrets. So even though it disturbed my flow I went ahead with my plan and act despite my horrible acting skills.

 

“I'm talking with Marco, what?” He looked genuinely curious.

 

“Nothing..” I trailed off. “Just..wanted to know if you're planning on going out today.”

 

“Yes, I'm meeting with him at the bus stop in 20 minutes, why?”
 

“Where are going?”

 

“City center, why? Do you want to come?” From the sound of it, it looked like he was getting the wrong idea.

 

“No no. Scherzi.”(You joking) I replied to stop any further ridiculous thoughts of his but he didn't stop.

 

“Hmm... Don't tell me. You like him?!” His eyebrows were practically vibrating from this new perspective. Like it could really be happening. Sigh.

 

I didn't want to join or even let his fake lively attitude get on me. Or influence my mood in any way, so I cut him right away. Without being rude, obviously. “No.” Plain and simple. “I just wanted to check that you were still doing good and seeing your friends since it's been two days since I last saw you go out of the house. Just that.” I explained cracking a please-believe-your-innocent-little-lying-sister smile.

 

“I'm perfectly fine.” He unconsciously replied as if someone, the doctors and psychiatrists, asked him every time they enter his room in the hospital. I use to do that too. “I didn't go out yesterday because I had to cram for an exam. You on the other hand? Do you have plans?” He asked putting on hold his call. I didn't like that. He shouldn't have cared for me so unconditionally. He wasn't healthy, for both of us.

 

“I.. don't have plans today.” I started with the truth. “But I've been thinking..about grandpa and grandma.”

 

That sparkled a very worried look from his part. Not what I wanted. “What about them? Did something happen?”

 

“No! nothing.” I assured him. “I was just thinking...it's has been a very long time since we last saw them. I mean, they couldn't even come to mom and dad’s funeral.” I quickly added scared to awaken this horrendous sadness inside my chest. “Auntie hye sun and all the other must miss us terribly.”

 

He was silent and speechless for a couple of seconds. “Scusa Devo andare. Ci sentiamo più tardi.” He hung up on his friend. Oh, God. He breathed slowly and starred in the distance for a couple of seconds and then he was to me. “So what you're saying is..” He trailed off, apparently calm, but I know he wasn't.

 

I didn't want this to become a troublesome situation. I walked into the room took the empty chair next to his desk and sat next to him. “What I'm saying is, I miss them.” I was direct. “I miss them and feel really guilty, as you know for causing-"

 

“You didn't cause anything and stop even to think you did.” He didn't permit me to start again with the free guilt trip. I knew why the car accident happens and so does he. So his weak tentative to stop me from hurting was useless.

 

I sigh. “Anyway, you know mom and dad were closer to auntie and the grands more than they were with..this side of the family.” I motioned towards the members of the household downstairs. “I’d feel less guilty if I were to spend some time with them in South Korea.”

 

“I understand, I really do, but..what are you going to do once you're there? Didn't you have projects with your friends?” He reminded me. “You did remember your friends right? The ones you stopped calling and visiting? How about them?”

 

“I already told them-" I started but he cut me off, not mad but rather upset and...

 

“Does Chiara and Simone ring a bell?” He continued more agitated. “You also wanted to go to that music academy? Have you already changed your mind?” He listed all valid points. “And did you think about me? I'm the only member of this family left for you. You can't just walk in here, say this without any plan and expect me to accept it. It's not reasonable.” This was a real problem. He wasn't fully recovered from the accident. Physically and mentally. He still needed me around to feel at ease, but I knew that distance was what we both needed. The less he was prone to think about me the faster he would have taken back in his hands his life. And so it would be much easier to deal with my death once he was married with children around. 

 

That was my plan and I had to fulfill it no matter what. “One calm down. Two, I didn't forget about Chiara and Simone. Like I was saying before you interrupted me, I've already told them about this.” 

 

“And what is this exactly?” He wanted to know.

 

I didn't like to remember those terrible moments but I had to so he could be less harsh with his judgment. I took a deep breath. “Do you remember that day?”

 

He understood right away. “Even too well.”

 

“well..before everything, before even planning the holidays, I received an email. An invitation to be precise.” I talked about looking at my hands first. Everything from that day seemed like a horrid mix of a beautiful dream and a terrifying nightmare. I looked at him. He was waiting. “From...YG entertainment.”

 

He took him a couple of seconds to realize. “That YG entertainment?”

 

“Yes.” I nodded. “And I'm not ting you.”

 

He nodded still not convinced. “Okay. Continue.” I knew he wanted to hear the whole story this time without interrupting me and then give his take on the situation. So went on.

 

“At the beginning, I also thought that it was a prank of some sort and called the telephone number of YG building asking to talk with the CEO while providing my name and reasons for calling you to know,” I explained. “And you won't believe it but they really did pass me the man and..we talked. About my videos on youtube, my songwriting skills and in the end, he proposed me to come to see the agency myself and then decide whether or not to join as an artist.”

 

“And what you told him?”

 

“I told him that I needed to discuss this first with mom and dad and then I would have decided.” It wasn't something to take lightly and I wanted their support first. “You know how mom felt about these things. I just wanted to find the right moment, where we were all happy..”

 

“And distracted.” He commented with a little smile.

 

I smiled back. “But also announce it like a surprise or something like that, you know.” That is when the dream became a nightmare. “I..I was only overly excited at the idea of telling every one of you..” The memories came back like a flashback. The worst. I closed my eyes so I could see nothing and held tight my hands. “I just wanted to share my happiness...I didn't want to cause all of this. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” Tears wet my face. I suddenly found myself in his arms.

 

“I told you, you didn't do anything, it wasn't in the nearest way your fault.” He whispered determinedly. “Accidents happens, you can't do anything about. Whether you want it or not.” He repeated once again to remind both of us this time.

 

“I'm so terribly sorry.” The guilt was taking over, again. This wasn't good at all. Not in front of him at least, because this wouldn't help me at all to convince him to let me go. If he thought I wasn't ready, mentally ready, there was no way for me.

 

Or so I thought. “Don't be. I beg you, stop. It was never your fault and will never be.” He insisted. He withdraws to look at me and brush off my tears. “Of course you can go see auntie and the grandparents. I'm just worried about your future.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I mean, the YG thing is cool and all but you were also very excited for your acceptance to the music academy and now you want to go this agency where you won't learn the proper way.” He made me notice my fickle heart. “They do hip hop, first of all, you on the other hand only play rock, so I don't see how you could fit in or who could help you find the right path.”

 

“I know, but he said he has ready a vocal and songwriting expert in rock music to help out,” I replied more enthusiastically, or at least I pretended I was. “And I told you, I decided to go there only see for myself first and then I will decide. Nothing is on the table yet.”

 

“Okay okay.” He exclaimed in a hurry. “But I still would like to talk to him if it's possible.” He added though. Like the big brother he was. And that's how it all begun.