Kim Min Hae

Why is it so sunny? I couldn't understand. This was supposed to be a sad, tearful and desperate day, yet despite that, the sun was particularly so ing intense today on me and everyone else. It almost felt like a sign from the universe, as she used to say.

His undeniable presence ruined the supposed to be a solemn atmosphere that a funeral was, that's why whoever was to see us from the outside, surrounded with flowers, balloons and dressed up in yellow and white, would have had the wrongest conclusion. At first, passerby looked at us funny, almost anticipating something more after their first glance, but they, fortunately, came back to their senses as soon as they saw the white grave in front of us. I would have had the wrong impression as well, perhaps some kind of happy event like a wedding, if I were at their places.

Is this what you really wanted Boram? I allowed myself to look away from her grave after a long time and focus on something less depressing. I glanced at the people behind me. My annoying overly talented brother and the businessman that was my old dad looked really unfit for the colors they had on, but they tried their best to reassure me, comfort me anyway with a shy smile. Dad mostly, wasn’t a smiley man, neither very sociable, but he was always there for me. His smile didn’t last long though yet I could still understand him. I would have never thought that his inconsiderate actions would have costed us so much, made us lose so much, but it did. It has happened in the past, a couple of time but he has never been this severe. I was certain what has happened and was still happening to me made him feel like sh*t, add the current divorce from his wife, my ex-mother and the incurable development of his dear daughter, turning the parent's worst behaviors into reality, I bet was a constant cold shower for him. Despite that, all of that, he has come to my best friend's funeral, in yellow and white from head to toe, just like she wanted. The thought made me automatically smile in return. Af if to tell him that everything will be alright. His eyes lighted up with surprise and he smiled back.

I couldn’t hold it for long as my eyes wandered away from him and landed on the couple further behind us. I felt my face become cold when I met eyes with them, Boram’s parents. As predicted, they were the only ones that did not respect the last wish of their own daughter. Dead or alive meant nothing to them, all they had in mind was the loss of money and waste of energy Boram brought into their life. A loss of money because they went ahead of themselves and hired an absurd amount of teachers to make her the top student of Seoul. A waste of energy because it all flew out of the window when their daughter has decided that she had enough and committed suicide. They never really wanted her or cared about her wellbeing; well, I supposed a long time ago they felt a shred of love towards her but the papery smell of mountains of cash their little girl earned with her brain must have got them obsessed with it and worry about her less and less in time.

They would have never admitted their faults, not directly anyway. She had literally become their credit card without limit, with all the contests she owned, not won, owned. Her rivals had never a chance from the beginning and so her life to regain normality. Those mother ers living trash cans have consumed her till the end, without a care in the world. Despite everyone's warnings, even from strangers.

That's why I cherished my family, the members that cared about me, despite everything I knew my brother and dad would have never reached that level of restlessness. And they were also dressed up as Boram wished for, not an easy thing to do knowing them, but they did, for me. It was more than enough and I knew what happiness was, but it also felt like it was slipping out of me sometimes, all my emotions, slowly yet steadily, just like Boram did that Monday morning in the river, washing away her existence the day of her birthday.

I knew that day has been the turning point of my life. Empathy, sociability, innocence, sadness, ity, and love were all one time in danger of leaving me with my first trauma, but this, I was one hundred percent sure that they were gone for good, yet my therapist kept telling me something else. Sometimes I couldn't understand her. Not that I cared about what she thought of me, but how were I and my father potential sociopaths when people like Boram's parents existed? How were we a danger for the people around us when we were here together showing our support to the only family member in her family that cared about her, Jimin, her little brother? How were we close to losing our humanity when I had wet stuff staining my face? Was she purposely saying those things because there was a real deal behind it or she only liked the sound of her voice?

The more I thought about it, the more I felt the similarities with Boram's parents. On the surface caring and loving people, but underneath hungry for money as her. They had the same inexpressive eyes up close too, as I was heading towards them. They faked a comprehensive smile but I just ignored them and focused on Jimin that was by their side. He was only 12 and he had to face such a terrible thing, with such little warnings. I bet Boram put up the brave mask with him as well. Whether she did good, I wasn’t sure.

I hugged him at once and tight. He didn't withdrawal as he was used, too embarrassed to hug a big girl that wasn't his sister, but this time was different. This time the closest person to look like his sister was me and I would have given him all the comfort he needed. 

"It's okay," I whispered above his head. His face hidden below my waist. I kissed his head. "Even if Boram is not here anymore, you can count on me." He tried to hold back the sobs and straighten his shoulders, but it was useless and really frustrating to me assist to in all of this. Because it didn’t make sense to act fine, though when we both couldn’t hold back the tears. So I let him go a little so I could look at him in the face. “Enough, stop fighting back the tears,” I told him sincerely. “Is useless and stupid. I can’t hold them back either.” I made him notice cracking a smile.

“B-But..” He objected with a shaky voice.

I squeezed him tightly in my arms again. “No buts!” I stopped him before he went ahead. “We are at a funeral and it’s simply normal..” I said and moved my eyes over his parent's dry faces. “..human. Cry in despair for a loss and no one can say otherwise.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered between sobs.

“Me too.” I replied. “But everything will be fine, promise.” I assured him.

“And how?” Ironic. I kept asking myself the same question since my first trauma. I didn’t know what and how to answer him since I didn’t have a decent answer for myself. I had to say something. Anything. He was waiting. So directed his attention on another subject and indirectly answered to his question.

“Look Jimin-ha.” I let him go, crouched in front of him and hold his hands. “I’m here, I will always be here, for you.” I made clear. “I’m not here, I won’t ever be her, but I am and will always be here for you to help you get through this. That’s how everything will be alright. No matter how much it will take to move over all of this, I will be at hand when you’ll need..” I let the sentence unfinished on purpose for him to add.

“..a hand.” He finally a little smile. A little hope and It was enough to let break the watergate again.

“Or just a hug.” I added doing it along. “Or just someone with whom to do pranks on the neighbors. Anything you feel like, you know my phone number. Just text me and I’ll be there. Okay?” I looked at him one last.

“Okay, Minny noona.” He whispered, giving me some flashbacks with that nickname Boram gave me a long time ago.

Luckily and not, his mom took his left hand, ready to go. “Good boy,” I added caressing hi straight hair. “Don’t get sick okay?”

He nodded smiling fully this time, looking pitch-perfectly like his dad. Hopefully, he would have never ended up like him though. Please. I stepped back allowing my dad to talk one last time with the living trash cans because God helps me if I had to small talk with them as well. The chat lasted less than a minute fortunately and I waved at Jimin before he walked away and stepped in the car with them.

“That was really sweet of you Min Hae.” My dad commented behind me again. “I wished you wouldn’t change, to be honest.” The naive side of him was comforting at times, but not today. Now it was only irritating, like pulling the cat’s tail multiple times without expecting him to scratch you, just because he’s the most chill cat in the neighborhood.

“Things happen, people change.” I straightly replied still looking ahead.

“Yes.” He agreed, for now. “Yet nonetheless, life goes on and we have to keep living it to the fullest.” He emphasized the last word by squeezing my shoulder.

Have to. A verb that almost sounded like Oblige To And it stung more than it should have. I turned around feeling that sensation coming back, like that cursed Monday morning. “Why?” I asked lifelessly. Deprived of those emotions that were pouring out just 5 minutes earlier in front of Jimin. “Answer me.”

His expression was the same as mine, the only difference was his eyes. Still filled with hope. “Because sweetheart, it’s only natural.” He did not stutter nor looked away. He replied sure of his answer. “You will naturally, little by little move on and live again your life. Even if you are not willing to, even if you built high walls around you to avoid any contacts with the real world.” He was making a point and it sounded somehow right, but that last sentence was way out of the spot.

“I’m not building any wall.” I interrupted his, clichè speech at once. “I’m clearing up the whole damn place.”

“That’s not really the right way to-”

“And I don’t need your or anyone’s permission to tell me how to live my life.” I cut him out irritated. “Or how to deal with traumas,” I added feeling awfully tired of people telling me how to do anything.

“Therapist is there for a purpose.” Replied my brother beside him, much more frustrated. “Why would he hire them for then?”He asked rhetoric.

“You mean that lady hungry for money sprouting nonsense left and right? What a great help.” I spat back. “You are all so worried about me casting away my emotions, that you don’t see the pain they’re causing.”

“But pain, build you up.” Dad insisted.

“It built me alright.” He couldn’t have said anything truer. I admit that. “That’s why changes are inevitable. I’m always hoping for these troublesome emotions to drown, but they never really go away, so I have no choices but to put a checkpoint to stay safe before allowing anyone to get near me since your men can do sh*t.” Bodyguards my *ss. Same for his so-called hired hitmen and hackers.

“A checkpoint? You cannot do it with everyone.” My brother's disbelief was insulting now.

“I can and I will.” I declared glaring at him. “Just as you do.” I said looking at the man inside the yellow and white suit next to him. I knew what a real sociopath looked like, some well trained secret agent and member of the yakuza were well known everywhere for it. Well, you would have never know their exact names or location but their reputation in the underworld was frightening to even enable the capacity to think or even breathe around them. Be in their company was like being in a cage with a sleeping lion, you could try to escape, feed him leaves, but it was certain that you ain’t leaving the cage with all your limbs attached to your body. My dad was nothing like that, I was nothing like that. Our practical and pragmatic thoughts and actions sometimes put off people around us and our therapist makes the wrong conclusions. A sociopath is a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior. Till today, I had lived letting the emotions fill me to the fullest, restless, it won’t happen anymore.

“I won’t change for the worst, stay assure,” I told both of them. “I’m stronger than your anxiety.”