Yifan was standing in front of the casket containing someone he held precious, his clothings all black and his face more darker with deep sadness. He placed a bunch of baby breath and white roses on the eternal sleeper whose face is nothing but beautifully calm. He was unable to lift his head and look at the family, particularly him, who has to endure the loss of such a precious child. Yifan could see his mother crying when she talked with the father of the demised child. The boy stood beside them, shrouded in blank and numbness. When he finally got a glimpse he couldn't help but regret at the sorrow that filled the face, that was once the happiest he ever saw. The two person he wished to only see smile on their faces is now only filled with deathly blankness and sorrow. His heart sincerely wished that they will find peace. All the three of them. 

*****

Wu Yifan was still a child when he first met them. They were the twin children of his father's good friend. There was the wise and bubbly older sister, Huang Junmei and then the spoiled, childish younger brother, Huang Juntao. Although both were of different genders, their basic traits were very similar. They liked the same things which often ended up in childish fights. But even though they had differences they understood each other completely, they were in perfect harmony like that. When the twins met Yifan, they were entranced. The twins lived just across the street and they met so often. They all studied in the same school even and the twins always followed him wherever he went and soon enough they become inseparable. He was kind of like an older brother figure to them. In his eyes, the siblings were extremely cute that Yifan couldn't help but be whipped by them. Somehow they were convinced that the three of them would always be together. They used to have so much fun together with Yifan's cousin, joining them occasionally when his family came to visit them from states. 

Yifan always called both the twins 'Jun' but somehow the twins caught the subtle difference. Soon the years passed and gradually the relationship between the three of them changed over time. When they entered high school, the twins harboured feelings for him which was more than just a friendly love. Their love for him started to mature. They started desiring him in the same way. They wanted Yifan for themselves in their own way. It soon reached a point where it felt natural for Yifan to be with Jun, the elder sister. 

Mei confessed to him first and Yifan didn't find any reason to reject her. That left Tao in the dark with his unrequited love. Yifan was not even aware of Tao's feelings towards him. At first nothing seems to be changed. Even though Yifan was with the elder sister, his attention for the younger brother didn't weaver any less. Yifan still dropped them off at school on his way to the university. They still had their usual study sessions. Even when they went out it was always all the three of them. They hung out all the same. Though sometimes Mei clung on to Yifan more than necessary, it was ok cause Tao got to be with Yifan too. Nothing was different. Time passed the same for all of them, but when only one gets chosen and other is left to be a sad supporting role it gets more hurtful. As he stood by and watched their relationship deepen, he felt his twin was purely happy than ever, after all only he can understand what Mei truly felt. So Tao decided to hide his feelings behind a calm facade and wish for their happiness. He thought as long as everything remains the same, it doesn't matter if its Mei or him. But the resolve began to crumble when Mei started to monopolise Yifan. 

Mei wanted Yifan solely for herself. Though she was happy with how things are now but she couldn't help but want more. She wanted it to be only the two of them. She wanted to feel more than special. Though she had no hard intentions against her twin she unconsciously hurt Tao when she made a bubble with only herself and Yifan.

Tao was so hurt that he started hating himself for being a male. He cried in silence. He thought he will let go eventually. Maybe as time passes he will be able to finally move on from his feelings and truly wish for their happiness. He thought maybe by being left out he will somehow grow out of it. But it is easier said than done when the object of your heart-break is actually laughing in front of you, especially when Yifan still remained the same with his part of affection. It felt sad. It felt more than just sad like your already bleeding heart is so close to breaking with all those unintentional hope given by that simple care from Yifan is only getting crushed. He wished for his hurting heart to breathe. He wished his love could be returned. He wished just once at least he could be under that spotlight of requited love. But he didn't realize the cost for being under that spotlight was as heavy as his precious love.

*****

Yifan stayed over at the twins house that night when their usual study session took longer than usual. He was reviewing his notes when the twins left him to go down to help their mother with dinner. He unknowingly fell asleep in the couch in half sitting position with the book open on his chest and his trunk and head supported by a large cushion. When Tao came up to call him for dinner, Yifan was deep in his slumber that he didn't even move when the door creaked heavily on opening. Tao even pressed his shoulders gently to wake him up but Yifan didn't even give a reaction. He sighed and sat beside him on the edge of the couch and took the open book from his hands to close it and place it on the table opposite. When Tao took in the state of Yifan's peaceful form he couldn't help but caress his cheeks affectionately. A rare thing he is even allowed of. In that space which only consisted of him and Yifan, devoid of any other soul, he felt as though everything was okay. He wanted this to last a little longer, so he stayed staring at the sleeping male gently rubbing his cheek bone with his thumb. His eyes began to tear with each passing minute and his heart began to sour. With all his overwhelming feelings getting the better of him, he closed his eyes when he leaned down and touched Yifan's lips with his own to try and get a glimpse of how would it feel if he was under that light. The tears stung behind his lids and his hands bunched Yifan's shirt with the enormous amount of something he couldn't even name which he felt in his heart.

Yifan roused when he felt his shirt being pulled and greeted by the sensation of something soft against his lips and a hot heavy breath against the side of his nose. That successfully woke Yifan completely. He realized this was not a dream and he was being kissed for real. His body went stiff and stunned when he finally realised who was actually kissing him. Tao pulled away from the kiss when he felt the stiffness of the warm body he was leaning against. With tears flowing down his cheeks Tao saw Yifan's face morphed of stunned to shock at the gasp that was heard by the door. When hr turned to look, Mei was standing at the door with hands on and eyes blown with shock. Couldn't take what was before her she turned around and ran from the room. After the initial shock released its clutch, Yifan tried to move, but Tao held his wrist when he stood up and prevented him from going after her. He was crying so badly and the confession fell out of his mouth in choked sobs but Yifan heard it clearly as day. Yifan was drowned in shock third time that day in less than ten minutes. 

Now that Yifan being aware of Tao's feelings, he felt like he was stranded in the eye of chaos. Things became more gloomy from then on. When Yifan was pushed to choose between the twins he couldn't just choose one. None of the three talked like they used to. They were falling so out of pattern that even their parents noticed that something was off. During that time Yifan did a lot of thinking. He admitted that he never noticed the longing of the younger brother Jun's gaze upon him. But when he thought back of how certain things were, he can connect all the dots. He never differented on his care for the twins. But when he considered Tao's earnestness and innocence of the feelings the boy harboured on him. The sheer hurtful feelings he has to endure while having to watch his other half and him being together all the time. He can tell Tao never planned on confessing at all. He realized that the poor child must have been hurt so much for him to do it in such a way. The tears that poured from his eyes still felt heavy on Yifans heart. With all these he couldn't think of anything but being by the boy's side.

But that never happened. Yifan's feelings were never revealed. Because that was the night the elder sister JunMei decided to take her life. He can still remember the last words that were uttered from her. 'I understand...' 'Thats enough...' 'I am sorry.'  The girl died and his world shattered along with it. He did nothing but hurt them. So in order to at least protect Jun -the only twin alive- from himself, he kept silent of his feelings. Yifan couldn't smile for him and he couldn't even look at him without guilt anymore. He carefully sealed away the precious things deep in silence,  wishing that they will find peace someday.

As for Tao his punishment for wanting to be under the light of love, came crashing down upon him in the form of death of his beloved other half. His loss was so much bigger than everything he ever yearned for. His one and only sibling, the part of his flesh and blood, the only one who was able to understand him completely has decided to leave him alone completely. He yearned for comfort but it never came. She was no more and that simple thought had made him walk lifeless. She died and took Yifan's heart along with her. Yifan didn't even wanted to be in the same room as him anymore. The gaze Yifan gave him on when they lowered her made him numb of everything. He even thought of following his twins path but he was neither a coward nor had that strength to take such a step.

*****

Slowly things drifted and they fell into and was pushed by the lifes pace. As time passed they got used to the fact that everything of her is only going to be nothing but fading memories. Slowly smiles, though forced sometimes, creeped in their faces and fleeting calmness settled upon them. It was hard as the loss was great but everything moved on, not great but fine. Yifan got busy with his university work juggling art and business at the same time and Tao decided he couldn't leave Yifan alone no matter what. Even if it's just a glimpse he want to see him. He started coming to his university in hopes of starting a new with Yifan. He would wait for Yifan by the art building for his classes to get over and go meet him. But Yifan treated him nothing more than he would treat a brother. 

Tao's constant appearance at the university got the attention of some of the people there. One particular person who made attempt to get close to Tao was him.  Everytime Tao came to the university that guy would hit on him. He even took the liberty of calling him 'Tao-tao' and flirted to him shamelessly. Tao found his overbearingness really annoying. He thought the guy's weird with the declaration of his attraction for another man he just met. 

When Tao was waiting at his usual place, that guy suddenly popped out of nowhere before him and said ''You have come here to see me again? Have I piqued your interest that much?"

The question made him so annoyed that he turned away with an uninterested expression and a curt "Wrong. Leave me alone now." as his reply. But that guy had no intention of letting go that he started pinching his cheeks cooing that he is cute and all to say "Its ok. I don't mind. You are making such a cute face when you say that."

Tao jeered a "Shut up." as he pushed his hands off him. His friend who stood beside him seemed to reprimand him with "Hey wouldn't it be bad if Junmyeon saw you like this?" The guy asked a "You think so?" looking at tao.

The name Junmyeon got his attention of all the things he said. When the guy saw he is interested, he asked if Tao is annoyed because someone else has attention and said "It's okay, I like Tao-tao better." Tao couldn't help but deadpan at the shameless declaration. Tao pushed him away to turn and walk towards the art building and said "I am just waiting... just.. Go away." 

Though the guy always bothered him. He never got him interested in him until... until he came upon his lover. He was actually surprised that his lover was a man. Though he was pretty and kind looking, Tao was still confused. Together, they looked as though it was normal. The boy was smiling happily by his side when he called him "Junmyeon." and ruffled his hair. That look the other gave him was so similar. Something tugged at his heart painfully at the familiarity. The memory almost knocked him on his head. It was just like how Mei looked beside Yifan, full of love and content. 

He couldn't fathom the how's and why's that emerged in his head at the sight. He never personally knew the boy named Junmyeon. But his heart lurched everytime he remembered how happily he laughed beside him. It left him bitter and needy. He hated feeling like that. But that guy, even though he had a lover beside him, he was still wooing him and even said he likes Tao better. The offered hand was so enticing that he convinced himself that if he held his hands the same way he held Junmyeon's, he'd also be able to laugh in that content. So he did a mistake that he would deeply regret again. Tao took the proffered hand and got into a relationship with the guy he thought who was weird. The guy broke up with Junmyeon to be with him. He chose him over someone he must've been dear of. He felt superior. Maybe this is how Mei should have felt when she was chosen. He thought finally he is getting into the spotlight after being the sad side kick for long. And in thoughts of mending the void inside him, he irrecoverably shattered someone else's entirety.

Tao's relationship with him was purely out of envy and resignation. He still was unable to let go of the feelings he held for Yifan. He still yearned for Yifan's love. But when he saw the flabbergasted look Junmyeon gave them was soothing. When he saw Junmyeon's face as he clung to him, he can see more than sorrow and guilt. Those pathetic feelings which only he was feeling all long, when it was displayed on someone else's face, Tao felt relieved. He was satisfied that it's not just him, there are others like him out there. He only want to be loved.

Once again he was punished for his actions. And for the second time things lashed on him gravely. He thought the boy will give up and resign to his fate. But that was a foolish thinking of himself. Because what he did affected Junmyeon so much enough that he retaliated in ways he never thought Junmyeon could. He targeted Yifan to take his revenge. What shocked him more was that Yifan agreed to date him. 

When he first saw them together, Tao was a little surprised. He thought the pretty one was being clingy to an unresponsive Yifan. But when he noticed a little keener, he can clearly see their relationship is getting deeper day by day. So he went out right to Yifan and asked if they both are really dating. He was replied with an 'Yes' much to his displeasure. But then again he thought maybe, just maybe he still had a chance if Junmyeon's motives were revealed. If the vendetta behind this whole ordeal is to be revealed and they were to separate. Then surely this time he thought he will be the chosen by Yifan. But on truth he knew what this is all about. Even though he confronted Yifan of it, it was all the more heartbreaking when Yifan denied to let go of Junmyeon. He couldn't help but ask 'why?' But he knew Yifan's feelings for Junmyeon was real when the said male addressed Junmyeon as 'Jun' -an endearment which was only reserved for them is now held by someone else.

'Isn't Junmyeon is a man! 

You're not really into men, are you Yifan-ge?' 

'Is it because Mei is dead?' 

'Don't you care ge'

'Why couldn't it be me?'

That was the last one Yifan was asked before Tao left the room sullenly holding the tears back eventhough some spilled breaking the restrains. Tao came there that day to tell him of Junmyeon's vendetta against him, when he actually knew already about the pretty males motives for approaching him.

He has always been watching in silence and in regret. The loss of one beloved child was enough. He can't lose anymore of the people he hold dear and he can't keep hurting the child more and more. He slumped into the chair holding his hair between his fingers as "Why couldn't it be me?" resonated in his ears even after the boy left long ago. His memories freshly supplied the same broken words uttered with tears by a vague figure sitting on the floor. "They are really twins, aren't they." "They think exactly the same." He tugged his hair out of frustration. The memories of that fateful night still haunts him even though it has been years since he heard it.

*****

Yifan finally got the courage to enter the Huang's house after ages of hesitation. When he went inside, the once only-happines-and-laughter-surrounds-us air was now replaced by a thick gloomy atmosphere that he felt uneasy even after their mother Mrs. Huang greeted him with her cheerful smile. He wanted to talk with the twins but Tao was already out leaving him only with Mei. He thought he will wait untill Tao got home to do whatever he planned on doing. But soon he found himself in their drawing-room already with a crying Mei who refused to see him in the eye. Somehow she understood it will be her brother who will receive his favour. She turned her back to him saying things he would never want to hear with broken voice.

"Why couldn't it be me?"

"If you have someone else, its okay. But...

I guess it would be too painful seeing you both happy together."

"Its enough ge, I understand, Please... leave me alone."

"I'm sorry."

He left the house as per her request making excuses to Mrs.Huang. Her crying face is the last thing he remember of her, cause the next morning she was no more. The news just came as heavy on his heart that he slumped down against the wall, shocked. From then on, he has always, always been only watching Tao beside him in silence. He watched him get a lover at the university.

He saw Tao looking at someone with yearning envy sometimes but he left it at that. It didn't come out as a surprise to him when Tao said he is dating someone now. He thought the kid has to move on but he didn't expect him to actually rob someone elses love. He knew that Tao has forced his path at the expense of the pretty male's love but in Tao's gaze he saw relief and resignation. Who is he to deny the kid of the care he was pinning for. He kept mute and watched in silence untill his gaze was captured by an unexpected turn was events.

The turn of events came in the name of Junmyeon. A petite male with pretty smile and a shy personality. Though he seemed closed off and reserved he was quite friendly and kind. The thing that his batch mates really like about him is he's unaware of his own sweetness. No one will credit the boy for the revenge type. But he was broken, robbed of his love and pushed to the extent of having vengeance. 

Yifan knew why Junmyeon approached him. He was aware of everything, from the hesitation to the determination the boy possessed on taking revenge. He knew what heart breaks do to people when they were truly in love. He saw it once and he doesn't know if he will be able to take it a second time. He trampled someone's feelings for his sake and the price of that cruelty was much bigger than himself. He can't let the same thing happen again. He thought things will even out if he'd fall for what ever the younger was planning, or so he thought. This way everything will turn out well.

*****

Once Yifan over heard a conversation between his batch mates and Junmyeon, something about them asking his opinion on feelings while he was helping them. A female batchmate of his said that she can't embrace happiness until she have made someone miserable. A potentially dangerous sentence which earned many exclamation in return. One even said that she was being such a hypocrite for that. Another said "You have to move on and be happy for those who are hurt. Otherwise you're disrespecting them." Somehow Junmyeon was asked what he thinks about it and wasn't it right. But what came out as reply was not expected, at all.

"How could it be right?" He asked straight out and they 'Eh'ed in return.

"If it were me I couldn't wish happiness on  somebody who made me miserable. There's only so much a person can take." He put his head down and with such woeful expression he added "You can't wish happiness on a person who was the sole reason you have lost yours." He paused for a moment, as if to school his emotions, to say "You're just making excuses by saying that. When in reality you only want to be indulged." And with clear eyes and a straight face he asked "Isn't that sophistry?"

What he said was absolutely true. 'Even amongst all of our lives we have each wrought some happiness through some miserable ways. No matter how wretched we might feel, we will be fine as long as we can cling to that small piece of satisfaction caused by it. Because compromising and coming to terms of our own lives, that's how people live.' Thats exactly what happened in his life. Regardless of it Yifan's a little happy that Tao was at least accepted, he is thankful that the guy was insensitive and finally he is happy that he can protect Junmyeon's pride. He thinks this way he will atone his sins.

And yet he wonders why has love turned away from Junmyeon. He is always silent and waits there, motionless and wordless. Always having second thoughts on approaching him and guilt on taking advantage on him. But in real, before he even realized he had made Junmyeon a scapegoat for everything. At first he thought the relationship will fade away with time as the pretty male didn't even get his number to talk to him on personal terms. It was only about using and being used. But as he observed the boy a little closer each day, he felt he was much more than what he posed. Everyone has been a little dishonest and a little stupid when it comes to the things they care. Still that boy alone, was little more honest than everyone, a little more sensitive than everyone and a little more lonelier than everyone. He couldn't help but fall for him the more he learnt about him.

So Yifan took the initiative for the relationship to actually work. It's just natural -when you like someone really from your heart other things follows on its own. Yifan got his number and texted him often even if the reply was not that often. He asked Junmyeon to call him 'Yifan' when he called him Kris-hyung like everyone. He himself addressed him 'Jun' out of endearment. He took him out on strolls around the campus and coffee dates. He even became ecstatic to see a simple smile display on Jun's face. He felt it. The desperation and sadness once he saw in those beautiful eyes has started disappearing slowly and be replaced by content and acceptance.

****

Yifan once had a fitting dream, those dreams which makes you breathless and despair. He fell asleep on the cushioned chair in the studio, when his thoughts ran deep. He was reminded of his happy time with the twins at first which slowly turned into those gloomy images. There was Mei and Tao, whose crying faces are the ones that kept on coming no matter where he ran. He kept calling 'Jun... Jun' but the images started to merge he didn't even know who he is calling for. Vague voices were calling him 'Fan-ge' 'Ge~' on repeat and there was a clear, distinct voice which called him 'Yifan' When turned, all the merging images surrounding him cleared out to a lonely person sitting on the snow crying. It was Junmyeon. He saw him struggle, the resignation reflected in those eyes profoundly despairing. He had nowhere to turn, no one to call for help. His attempts to reach out is coming double-edged. Unable to relinquish the solitude, he cried there in desolation. Yifan tried to reach him. To take him in his embrace and make him stop crying. But when he touched him he started to fade away turning into the snow he was sitting on. Yifan desperately reached him, trying to gather him get him safe but the figure kept on fading. Everything darkened and his cries all turned to deaf ears.

Then, Yifan was suddenly roused up from the nightmare he was having by a violent shake on his shoulder. When he finally came to his surroundings, he was relieved that it was just a dream. A nightmare. But when his eyes adjusted and focused the person who was standing before him with worried face, he immediately got up from his chair and embraced the person tightly as if to assure himself that he won't fade away just like in the dream. Junmyeon yelped at the sudden gesture and was a little stunned when he was engulfed by the tallers tight embrace. He realized he must have had a bad dream, because when he came earlier the blonde was actually sweating and shifting his body uncomfortably in the chair that he got worried and tried to wake him up. The taller kept saying sorry in a voice lower than a wishper without letting the smaller one to do do anything. After recovering from the initial shock, Junmyeon sighed and ran gentle circles on the blondes back to soothe him. Yifan tightened the embrace a little more at the assurance. He thought, This is his Sin and he will continue to hold on for this sad boy. He might not be able to do anything for him but embrace his sorrow filled heart. May be their irrecoverable love will sprout one day. Untill then he will continue to hold on.

*****

Days passed and finally they were falling into peace. Junmyeon felt Yifan getting really into the relationship. Unknowingly he was too. He enjoyed Yifan's attention on him and those sweet words never failed to make him smile. What started out revenge has faded and turned to something deep. And then suddenly he became afraid. He was afraid of his own self for turning into what ever they are now. It was supposed to be only revenge, as plain and simple as that. No feelings never needed to be involved but everything went out of plan leaving Junmyeon dazed. He decided to break it off. Because he won't be able to nurse another heart-break if this turns out ugly. But just as everything fell out of plan. The break fell out too.

It was really a surprise for Yifan when Junmyeon called him to ask him out for a coffee. Junmyeon never asked him out on his own so he was a little happy that they were progressing good. When his family saw him text someone constantly and he spilled about the pretty male accidentally to them, they were more than ecstatic to find out that he was finally dating someone. Though they don't know about the entire ordeal with the twins. They knew it was the older twins death that has turned him gloomy. It was actually, his cousin, Chanyeol's idea for them to have a family dinner with his boyfriend. His mother asked him to bring Junmyeon home for the dinner, but he flat-out rejected knowing Junmyeon would probably refuse and run away at the invitation. He mostly declined Yifan's invitation on long dates much less meeting his family. They finally settled for a dinner at a restaurant, well his family can be persuasive if wanted and Yifan knew Junmyeon was not ready to meet his family yet because according to the pretty male he is still in a.... whatever he wana call it relationship. So he left out the family part of the dinner and asked him out simply. As expected he declined at first and then he finally accepted with little persuasion. And turned out it was a wonderful dinner. His family liked Junmyeon a lot, especially his mom and cousin. He thought they can prolong the date a little more but when he asked to drop him in the near by bus stop he didn't refuse either. He wanted to talk a little more so waited with him until the bus came but he didn't want to break the comfortable silence either. So he settled for a kiss and good-bye for the time being. 

When he reached home his mom was still awake watching rerun of some drama. She couldn't stop talking about what a good match he had found himself and how sweet the boy is. He even recieved an earful for not dropping him at his home and left him at the bus stop. So he messaged to see if Jun has reached home safely  as if to appease her. But even after so many messages there was no reply. He knew Junmyeon's habit of forgetting to reply to texts, so he called him. But that too went unanswered, so he set his worries aside to convince himself that Jun would have already slept and sent him a good night text finally. He managed to remind him again to send him at least one reply to ease his worries in the morning when Jun finally replied him with an apology. So when he thought things are progressing, he didn't expect Junmyeon to ask him out to actually break up with him. 

Yifan knew this will happen, he knew somehow it will come to this and they would eventually talk about matters he never want to even tread. It was no use hiding things from him when it has reached this point. But he wanted to brush it off the best he could and continue on whatever improvement they were making. Things don't go his way ever and Junmyeon had to run. But he was determined. Determined that he will chase him no matter what and will definitely not give up, not when he knew that he has already fallen in love. 

When he finally caught up to him, it was just like his dreams, Jun was standing helpless in the snow. But this time, unlike in the dream, he's reached out and caged the crying male in his arms preventing from moving further. Right now the more tears the petite one shed the more happier he will become. Because he knows those tears are meant for him. Perhaps, sometime later, Junmyeon will forgive him and stay as close as he can. Untill then he will not release him and will not be released either. And his attempt to seal him atlast was with the words that he uttered sincerely from his heart. 

'I Love you, Jun.'

A/n : First, I am very sorry that I took ages to update, so here it is. And second, thank you so much for the upvote and comments.

Please ask if you have any doubt and do say anything you want to say about the story or the writting style or anything, its very much appreciated. Guess it will be marked by the next chap. ^_^ untill then Bye :3