Brokenhearted but he doesn't even know

cringe warning (i wrote this when I was 13), angst
bts jungkook, you

"I know I'm not supposed to be jealous but why does it hurt so much when I've already forgotten about him?"

She felt the deep scar that he left on her. He was such a big influence on her and she thought she could just forget about him like that. He was always the cool, handsome guy in the class but she never knew he would be taken away so easily.

I stood there staring.
Looking at the two of them, his burgundy hair mixing with hers in their embrace

I wanted to run to them, break them up but at the same time I felt like breaking down in tears, just wailing in anguish.
There were supporters, girls, surrounding them going 'awww' like they were watching some kind of romantic drama on television.
I didn't care about those girls.
I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine, not hers.
They were just standing there, hugging each other, as if they were rubbing it in my face that I wasn't the one in his arms.
I can't believe I felt jealous of them.
I can't believe I fell in love with a guy who doesn't care.

I remember that day, back in third grade, when I went up to him and gave him that thing, that thing that I wrote for him that everyone called a 'love-letter'.
No matter what, I will never stop regretting it. not only did I embarrass myself in front of everyone I've ever known since I was a kid but also because I'd grow up only to find out that all the years that I liked him, all my efforts were going to be useless. BUt even then he was as charming as he is now with his bunny smile that makes him seem like the sweetest angel.

I wanted to scream at both of their faces how I've waited longer than she has ever has.
How I wanted him to love me back.
How I hated how he chose someone he just met rather than someone he knew for years.
I wanted to tell them.
I wanted to tell him.

But I couldn't.
I knew he wanted her and not me.
I was not the girl he wished for. I wasn't the girl he hoped for. I wasn't the girl he dreamt of.
I guess I never tried to find out what his ideal type was, afraid it won't be someone like me.
I was just another someone to him attending the same school, attending the same classes.
He always received so much attention especially when he started pursuing his dream but I was a nobody.
I was just a girl who was maybe part of his life but didn't matter.
My existence didn't matter.
I didn't matter to him.

I felt like breaking down.
I felt like destroying everything.
Just to take it all out.
But I was too weak.
I was too scared to be judged.
I knew they would judge me and pity me.
I was too scared of it all.
I kept it to myself.
Not letting one soul in on it.
I was sad yet I put on my mask and hid myself.
I could just continue my pathetic life that I started.
I continued this life I had, just being 'happy' with these friends who were not the type to talk about love.
Love. A stupid thing that hit me.
I always thought love was stupid.
But I've always wanted a boyfriend.
I wondered what it was like.
Holding hands and being sweet and all.
I wanted to know what being loved back felt like.

I was definitely furious and jealous.
I hate how he ACTUALLY chose her over me.
Me who has been waiting and waiting for years.
Me who has worked hard for him to talk to me, to notice me.
And it was him who made me cold.
It was him who made me numb.
He made me like this.
I didn't even care about what anyone did anymore.
 

I let them be and do what they wanted.
I became numb and turned a cold shoulder but even then it made no difference to him.
His rising fame and popularity shoved everyone else in the background for him to forget about.
I once wondered what made me like this but immediately regretted doing so, remembering the pain he brought was even more painful than it really was.
I wept every night. But no tears came.
I wanted to say it all out, but no words came out.
I wanted a friend to turn to, but no one was there.
I knew I was alone and had no one to trust or lean on.
He was the guy in class that everyone fell for.
He was the gentleman type to all women.
I hated that. I wished I was special to him and only me.

Whenever someone confessed, he would say 'Thanks'
If someone confessed to me, I wouldn't even know what to do.
'Thanks' is such a painful way to reject them.
It makes you overthink.
It makes you think about possibilities.
Such unwanted possibilities.

When the rumors came out that they were over, I was surprised.
He was fine.
He didn't care.
I knew when I was jealous I didn't have the right to hate her because she did nothing wrong.
I knew she was better than me.
But it didn't get to me.
I once heard from him and his friend that his friend was going to court his 'ex' and said 'go for it, I don't mind/care'
And when it finally got to me, I asked him what was up with the two of them since they were all sickeningly lovey-dovey last week.
He said 'I don't know with her'. I wanted to punch him right then and there but I was also feeling a wave of relief.

He was single again.
But how they didn't break-up cleanly disturbed me.
But I didn't mind.
I still know I had no chance with him.
But if I work hard, he might change his mind.
I guess.....

He's talking to me more, now.
He's playing around and messing with me.
I liked that but....
I was sad.
Inside, I was depressed.
I didn't know the reason but I wish we'll be together.

"I'll wait for the day when he realizes I'm the one."

Originally published January 8, 2012

Revised on December 14, 2016

I'm so sorry~~ 
I WAS DYING to write a ff and couldn't think of an update for my other FF
SO I WROTE A ONE-SHOT!!
But this one-shot is about my sad life.
Yeah. Let me spam and cry about it.
I don't care if no one subscribes, comments, or reads.
As long as I get this off my shoulders, I'm good.