You  said, “If it is meant to be, fate will bring us back together.” For a second, I wondered if you were really that naïve. If you, Jessica Jung Sooyeon, the most realistic, analytic and pragmatic of all people I know, wholeheartedly believed fate works like that. As if it lives in the sky staring down at us. As if it has five very humanly fingers and spends its time placing us like pieces of chess. As if it is not the choices we make that decide it all.

It was during Mr. Mr. comeback preparation when she spilled the beans to us. We were mostly done with dividing the parts in the title track, recorded for seven of us, even. We just hadn’t yet to get the choreography right. At the time, while some of us were originally packed, the others searched for ways to spend theirs. Seohyun, Tiffany and I, we were just informed of the TTS comeback after the group’s. It had no collision with our comeback so there was really no error. I can’t recall much, but I know Jessica was having plans of doing a reality show with her sister, JeKry. I think they were still in the middle of discussing the matter. And then when she dropped the news, I was ecstatic for her. Of course I was. Worried, but indubitably happy. Though she had a lot on her plate, I knew Jessica would find a way to carry it anyways. She’s always been a good multitasker and she has never disappoint.

I, on the other hand, was not known for my capability to endure stress and pressure. The side effect bubbled to the surface almost instantly. I was  very much aware of that little noise in my head, chanting, whispering, It’s not gonna end well. Run Taeyeon, run. Stop this. Stop her. RUN YOU IDIOT!  Not long after that, I noticed she’d sneak out of the practice room to do what, I had no idea. Sometimes I would barely see her in the span of a week; it was that bad. I mean, of course, the others skipped a few of the monotonous practice sessions too, but it wasn’t the same. I became anxious, fidgety. I thought, as a leader, I had to confront her for her actions. I don’t know what had gotten into me, but I exploded. At the time, I was certain that it was an explosion of injustice mixed with annoyance, angst, hatred. Putting the blazing fire in me under control didn’t seem like an option then. All I knew was what she was doing – it’s all wrong and disrespectful (or so I thought). After I walked away, I regretted it. She didn’t bark back at me. She didn’t even look at me. I felt worthless, to be honest. The next following week, Jessica never once missed practice, rehearsals, recordings and everything else in between, but the paleness of her skin, the bags under her eyes, the lack of energy in her motion and voice, they were painfully evident. But she still smiled whenever she saw me. Because of that, I felt like I was the scum of the earth; the lowest of the lowest.

Who taught you that, I wanted to ask you. Tell me. Who convinced you of the obviously ridiculous theory? You’ve been given a heart and a mind that aren’t yours to use; the belief that your actions do not define what will become of you.

Taeyeon talked to Tiffany about it, of her concerns, not her view on the picture as a whole because she thought Tiffany won’t be able to understand where she was coming from. The girl couldn’t hide her support, excitement, stating, one of her best friends was going to be bigger, shine brighter and she wasn’t one to stop.

            “Tae, why are you even so worried?” Tiffany asks lightly as the atmosphere was getting dark and heavy, and not fun. She throws a glance at Taeyeon who is standing at her door and automatically smiled as the crease on the girl’s forehead is still thickly intact. “Come here.” Tiffany waves at Taeyeon, gesturing the girl to stop hanging at the door and sit with her on her bed.

            Taeyeon, surprisingly listens well to the American girl. Taking her hands in hers, Tiffany stares into the other’s eyes and says, “Look, there’s no need for you to jumble everything inside this, over here,” poking her finger at Taeyeon’s temple, “and make a whole lot more mess than it already is.”

            “But Pany ah, it’s just that she’s been missing so much of practice and we haven’t had the chance to perfect our synchronization and people are questioning her. I’m questioning her. I’m not supposed to, but it just… I don’t know…” Taeyeon throws herself on the familiar bed, sighing, frustrated with her own inept self and Tiffany follows suit.

            They lay in silence, both perusing for words to make the other comprehend their stance better. After a while the pink monster says, “You know Taeyeon, no matter how much you try, it’s very evident that that is not the thing bugging you.”

            Taeyeon jerked a little. Of course that wasn’t it. That was a part of something a lot bigger, deeper and much more personal – something she’s afraid of. She does not want to admit. “What?” She asks, faking incredulousness and trying to sound nonchalant.

            “C’mon, gimme some credit, will ya? We’ve been stuck with each other for more than 10 years. I can read you like an open book, Kim Taeyeon.” Tiffany turns on her right as she waits for her ultimate best friend to start talking. “Tae, come on… don’t you trust me?”

            Taeyeon shakes her head for an answer.

            “Taetae,” she pouts. “Share the burden. You promised me last time.”

            The last time they talked like this, about things like this, they ended up fighting, because Taeyeon refused to let herself go, be brutally honest when Tiffany wanted nothing but. The girls had to do an intervention to stop prolonging the immature fight. So they reconciled on one condition: Taeyeon has to start opening up to not only Tiffany, but the others as well. Taeyeon agreed, reluctantly however.

            “Ughhh, fine,” she groans. Carefully she searches for the right words, the right preamble. “What I said earlier, they’re all true. I am worried. Sick. I wasn’t lying. But, I don’t know. I just, it kinda, in a really bizzare, uncanny – call it whatever, but it scares me,” Taeyeon says with her eyes closed.

            “Aww, Ta –”

            “No, let me finish.” Tiffany obeys and Taeyeon continues after she placed a pillow on her face. She’s not used to this, but what the heck, one step at a time. “I yelled at her…”

Tiffany stares in disbelief. “Taeyeon ah…”

“…like she was stupid and careless and I was right. I know I haven’t been a good leader to her, in particular. I know I treat others better than I do her.” Taeyeon peeps stealthily a little to look at Tiffany, who was looking at her quizzically. “Trust me, I don’t do it intentionally. I’m not even sure why I do it. Maybe the unconscious part of my brain is at fault, ughhh,” She grumbles. “But I do care about her. A lot. God, this is all messed up.” Taeyeon grouses into the soft feather pillow.

            “It’s okay. You can do this,” Tiffany whispers encouragement.

            Taeyeon sits up abruptly and faces the other girl, putting the innocent pillow on her lap. Slowly, she tries to start again, “I care about her. I just can’t express it well with her. I’m worried about our comeback, too. We’ve been in hiatus for a while and if we fail to leave an impression, we’re doomed. The younger girls are prettier, more enthusiastic, and wonderful, and talen – ”

            “Taeyeon, I understand that part. You’re rambling again. Stop going around in circles.”

            “Sorry.” She takes a deep breath and learns to let go. “W-What if her plan meets a wall? Like, a really high wall, the one that doesn’t seem realistic like it comes from Alice in Wonderland or from the movie Across the Universe or whatever, and no matter how hard she tries, no matter how much we or they or whoever tries, there’s no way to overcome it. What if half way through, and she decides it wasn’t the best thing for her, or if she gives up?” Taeyeon talked so fast, she seemed choked. “…What if everything crumbles down and there’s nothing I can do about it?”

            This time Tiffany sits up. She moves closer and hugs the concerned leader in between her legs, the pillow separating their body. “Aigoo, our leader-nim.” Taeyeon’s head sinks even deeper into her shoulder blade. “Look Tae, has Jessica ever given up?”

            She shakes her head.

            “Has she stopped in the middle of doing anything she wants?”

            She shakes her head.

            “You out of all people should know her motto, there’s always another way.”

            “I guess so,” Taeyeon whimpers. Small, she feels.

            “So let’s believe in her, okay? Let’s be with her every step of the way, okay? She’s stressed out enough as it is. The least we can do is make her days a little brighter. Help her feel better. We’re good at that, aren’t we?”

            “Yeah…we’re good at that.” Taeyeon smiles.

             “Just go and talk to her, alright?”

             “Mm~ thanks...”

I wanted to scream and shout. But instead I sat quietly, smiling softly through quivering lips, thinking, isn’t it such a tragic thing, when you can see it all so clearly but the other person – the person who you desperately wish to see as you do, doesn’t.

Remember when I said I was happy? Worried, but happy. That pride was immediately washed over with disappointment. After the talk Tiffany had suggested, everything went downhill. She told me she was sorry. She told me ludicrous things like destiny and fate and . Nine years, and she bailed? Nine fcking years, ladies and gentlemen, and I had come to know that Jessica Jung was ing selfisha. She was not a good person. She left us all. She left me. It took all of me to take the plunge and talk to her, offering her my company or ears if she had any problems regarding whatever. And she just decided to walk away after that? I thought she never gave up? Just because that good-for-nothing company thought it was best for her to leave us, because it would be better for both Girls’ Generation and her business, she willingly took off?

      ​      I thought she was resilient?

            Bull.

            I loved her.

            Truth.

Already on my 3^rd bottle of soju, 4^th beer can and zero water, I search my phone and scroll down the contact list.

            Pretty Betrayer

            Three rings and she is on the other end.

            “Yeoboseyo?”

            I miss that voice. I hate it.

            “Hello?” This time she says in her perfect English.

            I had changed my number right after the almost incident of calling her in the middle of the night when I had already have an indecent amount of alcohol in my system, just like right now. I changed numbers but I didn’t delete hers.

            “Shiikkaaaaa yaaaaaa…,” I say, dragging my words out.

            “Taeyeon?”

            “Jeeshiikkaa……,” my voice slurs.

            “Taeyeon, are you drunk? Really?” She sounds annoyed.

            “Yah!” I shout into the phone. I’m nowhere near sober, my head’s spinning and my heart’s hurting. I hear her sighing on her side. This is what we’ve become. Nothing more than an unwelcomed existence.

            “Taeyeon, go to bed. If you wanna talk, do it sober.”

            “Ani…” I know I can’t say what I want to if I was sober. I’m a coward. She knows it, too.

            The line went silent. No one was talking. It was painfully mute.

            I know Jessica is moving because there is a rustling sound in the background. “I’m in room,” the girl says. I miss you.

            I whispered my intention, so soft she might’ve been glad she had taken her seat in the still confinement of her room. “You’re stupid.

​            “Excuse me? What?”

​            “…It’s us, you idiot..,” I say, trying so hard not to fall apart. “…It’s not fate, no, no, no, no!”

​            “Taeyeon.” She says firmly like she was reprimanding a kid. Then, “I miss you…”

​            I snorted.

​            I love you, though.

​            “… We’re the only ones that can bring us back together, stupid….....Jung Sooyeon stupid...”

          “Taen –”

            Ttuk.

            I hung up.

            That was it. That was our ending.

            It was crap. But it was better than me.

So how was it? They basically have very different pov. Jessica thought it was them who wanted her out, while Taeyeon thought Jessica volunteered out to make things easier for both the company and her.