You don’t just stop caring about someone, and even if you do try it’ll be very difficult. Yes, you may fall out of love, or feel something different but you can’t actually stop caring about someone. Some people do try to stop caring for different reasons. They want to move on, they want to get rid of this person from their heart, but sadly it isn’t as easy as that.

I believe because I’ve given it a shot, at forgetting, I mean. I tried to pulverize the image of them, the memories they hold, the sounds each one of them produce, the touches we shared and everything else of the whole lot. It didn’t work. I realized: it will never work. From the happiness we gave each other, the secrets only us, 9 knew, the inside jokes that were kept neatly inside so the outside world would never hear us, to the hurt we inflicted on each other, intentionally or not, the obscene words that were thrown out into the open air, the burn of a cheek caused by fiery rage. I can never forget them. And believe me, I’ve tried. Though trying felt worse than killing myself, I still tried. Numerous times Soojung would find me becoming one with the hard, cold tiles of the ridiculously big and hollow apartment that I now call home despite the bitter truth that it’s much more a house than it is a home. I do not cry, I do not scream. I just lied there, motionless.

                Why?

Because every time I try, my knees go weak and my mind goes through a painfully fast-paced film, mentally projecting the images on the white ceiling – images that I’d stored at the deepest and darkest end of my brain – my body refuses to move, my eyes refuse to shut. And so I watch. I see. I go down the memory lane of heartache, despair and disappointment.

The girls were not accepting of my, what they call, abrupt and stupid and selfish decision. I remember telling them in mid-February about wanting to venture out in fashion. They were ecstatic, most of them.

            It was not a special day. Tiffany suggested to have a small get-together on that day after our schedules ended. She was upset because we hadn’t been spending time with each other for quite a while. We were all busy, I guess. Though, we still got to see everyone during rehearsals and practice, we also had individual schedules. So sometimes practice and rehearsals are done short one or two, sometimes up to four members; that was how it had always been like.

            That Saturday, I was one of the earlier birds and found TTS home. Then, Sunkyu came through the door, carrying 3 six packs, nothing less expected. Sooyoung, the next, brought some food and Yoona with her, stumbling and laughing as they entered the dorm, hugging and cursing everyone on their way. At five, approximately an hour after the two, Hyoyeon and Yuri came in all sweaty, duffle bags on their shoulders, and made their way straight to the bathroom located at the end of the hallway and another in Taeyeon’s room, shouting permission to take a bath all the while. I remember smiling, thinking, this is home – and how warm and familiar these girls are to me.

            It was eight when all of us were seated in the living room, some on the couch, one curled in the old bean bag, and others splayed on the carpeted floor, talking among us about three different things as we ignore the drama playing on the square box and only focused on being there with each other. Along the lines of clothes and future and money and relationships, I decided to drop the good news of my next step forward in this world. I hit homerun with Sooyoung; Tiffany jumped off the bean bag and onto me, congratulating me on the not-yet-in-the-working project; Hyoyeon and Yuri volunteered to model for my brand and asked regarding the down payment; Sunny smiled the proud motherly smile she always had when any of us showed success – though I hadn’t started on anything yet, except meeting a few possible sponsors; and the two maknaes sat across me with that sweet, innocent grin with the intentions of receiving everything I would produce in the future. And then there was Taeyeon – the leader, my leader. She didn’t know this, but I listened to her. Her feedback held the most meaning. But she just sat there, slowly sipping on her can of beer. I glanced at her and she seemed lost in her own dimension, her eyes were getting teary having not blinked for a while. I remember calling out to her, asking for whatever it was she had in mind. Her head snapped upwards, the feelings her eyes depicted remain as clarity to me ‘till this day, still. She said, good for you, stripping her gaze away from mine. I don’t know, but it sounded more like it was done out of courtesy which I did not desire nor expect from any of them. We were supposed to bare ourselves, our souls, our opinions to each other; good or bad.

            Regardless, I got even more active in turning my ideas and vision into reality after the most significant and influential people in my life had given their green light. I had to skip a few practice sessions to be at meetings with important people who might be playing important roles in my future plans. The girls were still understanding, Taeyeon wasn’t, however. She chastised me on my priorities one day when we were out of others’ view, questioned it, even. Taeyeon wasn’t the member who’d verbally express her frustrations, but that day, the girl who blew up in my face was not Taeyeon. The Taeyeon I knew was not bitter; she was all things sweet and warm and her. She ended the argument saying she hoped whatever this was won’t affect the group. I became careful. I fixed my schedules so it won’t clash with the group’s. I stayed up all night for weeks to make sure I was keeping up with both Blanc – we had come to settle on the name – and Girls’ Generation. Before I knew it, September came and suddenly I was out of the group. It was clearly unfair. I felt betrayed.

           But here’s the thing: they felt betrayed, too. Both parties were hurting. I can never say who hurt more. I can say though, the pain was emotionally unbearable. We met that awful day, we screamed, shouted, wailed, cursed; everything girl groups were forbidden doing, we did.

            It took me a few months to stop drowning myself in morose. Another 2 months for me to wake up and convince myself to stop living in the past and start living in the present and work for the future, my future – a future that consisted of only me and not us anymore, sadly so. Everything depended on me, then. It was both liberating and heart-wrenching, but I couldn’t obliterate my chances just because I was not in a good place. I had to pick myself up, with the help of my little sister, my family, a few friends, and others who were willing. Today, I’ve built an empire of my own. But I’ve never forgotten about them. My Google alert sends me notification on everything they do every second of the day. I decided I still care, so I didn’t force myself to erase them, not anymore – not that I can even if I tried (many times).

We never have once met each other since the separation. But I’m the kind to keep my words. Well, I can’t really hire Hyo and Yul to model for Blanc and Eclare, but I still can send my products to all of them which I had promised Yoona and Seohyun, who are both doing great in the drama they’re in. I know Hyo has been going around doing photo shoots and what not. Sooyoung too has been traveling to a few places overseas – some which I had secretly recommended to her since we favor the same. Yuri’s short drama – I’ve watched. She’s also working on a variety show of some sort, always the charming kkab. Sunny, she’s been mostly quiet. I remember her little speech on her radio show, the thing she said after Roy Kim’s song played. Soojung asked me to check the video out. I did. I cried. I knew she had meant it, but I just couldn’t go back there into her arms, not after the damage I’ve done. Tiff, I saw bits of Slamdunk and seeing her happy on the 2D image on the screen made me happy. Then, I saw her recent scandal. That girl can be stupid sometimes. I’m sure she’ll get through it anyway, somehow. She’s Tiffany. And Taeyeon – she’s clearly busy, having to release four singles in the span of mere two years. I listen to them every day. I hadn’t listened to her singing for as long as I was mourning over what had happened and that scared the out of me because I was afraid I’d forgotten what she sounded like.

But they’re all doing fine.

I’m glad.

I am a strong believer of that if someone cared about you once, they probably always will. If you care about someone, let that feeling stay in your heart because I guess it’s all there for a reason.

Sequel anyone?

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