31/10/16 – Monday

Ever since the day I so casually realised that I liked my “best friend” Kim Wonshik, things felt so different around him. I never felt like I could be comfortable around him anymore, because with everything I do, I feared that he’d take notice of how I feel towards him. Though, it seems like the more awkward I act, the faster he’s going to catch up on this secret of mine.

But I’ve been having scary thoughts over the weekend, on how Wonshik would act if he found out I like guys – not to mention the fact that the guy I like is him. I’d constantly wonder if he would accept me as who I am, or if he would start ignoring and avoiding me after finding out. Even worse than this, what if he starts hating me? I can never tell, even if this is the 21^st century, there are still people who aren’t as open-minded as others on such things and I just don’t know if Wonshik is one of them.

I, obviously, didn’t get enough sleep the previous night, which explains why I wasn’t paying attention in today’s class. It was so bad to the point that my maths teacher had to tell me to see her after class ended.

Strangely, hanging out with Wonshik today felt weird, and it wasn’t just because of how I felt, but because I could sense something was off with him, too. Avoiding eye contact, single word sentences, unexplainable facial expressions, it all happened. Which is weird since he’s never been like this before.

Even though I’d like to ask him why he’s being like this, I told myself it probably was none of my business to meddle in. It could be some family issue I wouldn’t want to in on. Yet the whole day, his behaviour caused me to worry even more, not about how I felt towards him, but rather about how he felt. What if he’s got some going on in his life that I, as his so-called best friend, can’t do anything about?

School ended on a sour note, too. I had turned to ask Wonshik if he still wanted to hang out (so maybe I could try talking to him) but he almost immediately declined and walked off.

I just wanted to help.

Maybe I will, tomorrow.

1/11/16 – Tuesday

Today was probably last night’s nightmare come true.

I didn’t message Wonshik at all after school yesterday, afraid that I would be disturbing him or making him feel worse. So, I went to school today with the hopes that I could try talking to him in person. Or who knows, maybe he was just simply in a bad mood yesterday and didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

I was so wrong.

The moment he saw me today, he walked off in the opposite direction. Every time I tried starting a conversation with him, he would either look away and ignore me, talk to someone else in the class or just walk off.

In situations where people give me the cold shoulder, what irritates me the most is not the fact that they are simply ignoring me, it’s the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I did wrong. That is what the most about this.

Just last Thursday he was telling me we were “best buds” and now he acts like this. It’s like we’re the same age but he acts so much more childish than I do (or at least that’s what I think).

Without him talking to me all day, it feels like I don’t even have anything to write about here anymore. , it’s only now I realise that my journal is just filled with him and everything we do together everyday.

Since he doesn’t want to talk or even look at me I’ll just have to wait till he does, then.

2/11/16 – Wednesday

Thanks to him ignoring me all the time, it even feels weird going to the cafeteria alone now, just because I’m so used to him with me all the time.

The things Kim Wonshik does to you to make you feel like absolute when he’s not around.

But it’s not like he ditched me for someone else, because whenever I see him he’s just sitting alone. When I go grab some lunch, he’s sitted in some weird corner of the cafeteria and eating on his own. I’ve also spotted him studying alone in the library after school today, when I went there to go find some books to read.

I just can’t seem to understand what he’s trying to do and why he’s doing it in the first place. Then again we are only 18 years old and he’s probably got one of those angsty-hormonal-rage-quit (yes, I cannot believe I just said that).

3/11/16 – Thursday

Nope.

4/11/16 – Friday

You’re kidding me, right, Kim Wonshik?

5/11/16 – Saturday

I even tried sending him a couple of messages but nope, the man doesn’t know what’s ‘replying’.

6/11/16 – Sunday

I’m very, very done.

7/11/16 – Monday

I’ve almost given up all hope on this friendship of ours. I’ve had many friendships that have all ended badly in the past, and I’m sure it was all because of me. I was never the type to hold conversations, let alone start them. I didn’t know how to make friends or share my interests with others. I didn’t know how it was like to call someone a best friend until I met Wonshik.

It sounds cheesy, yes, but it’s true.

Tons of other ‘friends’ had left me because I wasn’t what they wanted. I didn’t enjoy being outgoing, neither did I know how to give advice to them. I could listen to them rant all day but I just didn’t know how to answer them, and it seemed like they all hated that about me. I was too quiet for them.

Everything seemed to go as per normal today, and it’s saddening to say that “normal” now is Wonshik avoiding me all the time. That is until I saw him shove something into my pencil case before awkwardly running out of the classroom. I could also see it was obviously a piece of paper so I went to read it after he left the class, and I swear I can remember it by heart now.

Taekwoon,

I know I’ve been such an these past few days, and I know should say this to you in person but I’m such a coward that I can’t bring myself to do it.

Remember when I told you we were best buds? I meant it. I’ve never met a friend like you before; one that would listen to me rather than try and talk over me, one that would give me the smallest gestures that have the biggest meanings behind them.

I love it everytime you hang out with me after school for coffee, and it’s not simply because I like hanging out with you as a friend, but because I think I’ve started to like you as more than just a friend.

The reason I started avoiding you, though it may sound stupid, is because (I admit) I was in denial, in denial that I like men.

But after thinking about it for so long, I realise something.

No one is 100% straight, no matter how the straightest person might insist that they’re 100% straight, I don’t believe that anyone is. You could tell yourself you only like women but the very next day you meet a guy who’s got the most beautiful features, laugh and voice you’ve ever heard. It could also be your best friend, that you realise you care for a lot.

And this is just what happened to me, Jung Taekwoon.

I, Kim Wonshik, realise that I like you. I like you a lot.

I just want you to forgive me for being such an idiot these days, just forgive me and go out with me, okay?

Your best friend (?)

P.s. really, though, are we still just best friends or?  

A/N: as you all can see, I tried to bring down the fluff by a little HAHAHA 

But anyways, thanks to all my subscribers!