Again, too late. Too unbeta-ed. Hope you like it.

--

Shame was something Momo was unfamiliar with. In fact, it was a feeling the people she was surrounded with through her life were unfamiliar with, and, as a result, she did too.

Fear, sure. Remorse, absolutely. But face-coloring shame? Embarrassment? Not really. The last time she had felt it was the first time she was demanded to act for one of his clients. Her face had felt so hot when she was obliged to say filthy  in the most innocent voice she could muster. It had felt ridiculous.

Now, though, the shame she felt at the thought of showing weakness to the rest of the girls only grew as time passed by.

When they had finally left that day, she just slammed her head onto the coffee table, not caring about the searing pain she experienced immediately after.

What was she thinking?

You weren’t thinking. A voice inside her head told her, and although she knew it to be true, she only told that voice to shut the up.

Weakness was unacceptable. She had learned that through her time with him, through every client she ever had to be with. Weakness was just a weapon to use, a weapon that wasn’t probably used immediately, but it would be used nonetheless, and to hit you until you were down, until all you could see was red.

But why had she ever permitted herself to be weak with them? She had softened, she finally recognized. But no matter how much she recognized it, her mind refused to harden again, to her frustration.

So, she avoided them.

They had some classes together, but she would often enter until last moment, right before the professor did, and would sit on the leftover chair, often in the front. She felt the stares from Nayeon and Jeongyeon, but she acted disingenuously, leaving immediately after the class was over, hiding herself in the bathroom in the meanwhile and hating herself for it. It was a definite hit to her pride.

It wasn’t until lunch, right after successfully evading Sana, something that made her feel, if a little, proud, that she was met with one of the girls. However, different from what she had pictured in that scenario, she had found the girl.

It had been recess when she decide to roam the hallways, trying hard to evade any of the girls, when she heard music, an angelic singing voice accompanying it.

She had entered, against her better judgement (she was definitely becoming a softie), and was met with quite a sight.

There she was, her eyes closed, her expression serene, her body reflecting the rays of sunshine that passed through the window. It seemed to her as if Jihyo was born to shine.

The serenity in her face disappeared when her eyes opened and met with Momo’s, but the serenity wasn’t replaced with the irritation Momo would have if she was in her shoes, but with an expression she couldn’t quite place, as if welcoming, but also calculating. Calculating what? She didn’t know.

“Hey.”

“Ah, hi,” Momo answered unsurely, all the while trying to take steps back to leave. “Sorry, I’ll just...”

“No, actually, I want some audience right now. Could you stay for a moment?”

“I mean- you seemed pretty okay alone,” the brunette answered bluntly.

“Once in a while you need criticism to get better, no?”

“Ah, I don’t know shi- anything about music.”

“That’s fine.” Momo felt the unspoken I wasn’t expecting you to, and had the mind to feel some kind of offense, but she couldn’t blame Jihyo. She wasn’t training to be a singer, after all.

“Alright,” she nodded awkwardly as she sat on one of the chairs of the music room. There were several instruments there, but none were being used by Jihyo.

“So, what’s your favorite music?” the younger girl asked as she sat in a chair opposite hers.

“Ah, uhm, I don’t have any.” Jihyo arched an eyebrow.

“So you like many genres?”

“I don’t really listen to music much,” Momo answered, and that was the truth. Most of the music she had heard in her life hadn’t been a choice of hers.

“No? I kinda pegged you as a metal listener.”

“Hah.”

“So, why don’t you like music?”

“It’s not that I don’t like music. It’s just that... Well, it never seemed important to listen to music.”

“Well,” Jihyo started patiently, her face now settled in the same expression she held when Momo first entered the room. “Music is important. It can be an expression of your soul, either something artistic or something more relaxed, like when you sing to a ballad when you're sad, or a pop song when you’re jamming with your friends.” The younger’s face twitched a bit in disbelief when she saw the cluelessness painted in Momo’s face.

“Is there a song that you like?”

“Well, I... don’t know.” Momo, for the second time this day, felt ashamed at the thought of that obscure song she could barely remember back when she took Rena to the amusement park. It had felt like happiness, or the closest thing she had ever felt, something a little less close to everlasting despair. But she couldn’t tell Jihyo that.

“Well, let’s sing something then.” Momo’s eyes widened.

“Are you crazy? I don’t know how to sing!”

“I’ll help you, come on. I’d say I’ll let you choose the song, but I guess not.” Momo shook her head in panic, but Jihyo only smiled and gestured more towards her. “Come on!”

The brunette finally got up when the red-haired girl grabbed her hand and pulled her to her side, where her cellphone rested upon the unplugged keyboard.

“It’s quite old, but... Did you like the song I was singing?”

“I guess,” she mumbled.

“Well, here are the lyrics. Just follow me.”

Momo ended up just listening to the younger girl through the whole song. There was something that made her feel numb as she read the lyrics, Jihyo’s voice filling her with something akin to... dread? Something completely overwhelming.

“Hey, you left me singing al- oh.” She felt a thumb cleaning the tear she hadn’t felt rolling through her cheek. “I suppose this is too difficult to sing, sorry.” But Momo just turned her head, not understanding what Jihyo truly meant, her mind still clouded with numbness, the only word in her head appearing everywhere like a swarm of bees, hurting her everywhere.

“Let’s sing something better. Have you heard Uptown Funk?” The brunette just shook her head, still fighting within herself to not run away. Why was she even fighting anyway? She should have just left since the beginning. She should’ve just stayed alone. She shouldn’t have met them. She shouldn’t have met Sana.

She turned around, walking speedily towards the exit, but a hand grabbed onto her wrist, and she looked to turn at a worried Jihyo.

“Wait. Wait. Don’t leave.” But Momo shook her head, trying to get her arm free, but Jihyo’s grip was too tight for Momo to get out of without injuring the former.

Jihyo sighed. “Okay, okay. But can you promise me something?” Momo nodded hurriedly, wanting to just leave, get away.

“Can you come back next week?” Momo just nodded, sighing in relief when Jihyo let her arm go.

, , , .

She didn’t attend other classes, nor she called her driver, deciding to run the whole ten blocks to her apartment.

It was the first time in a while that she had actually teared some of her hair off in desperation, her mind running a mile a minute, stopping herself from destroying her living room.

It was just stupid music. Why was she like this? Music was nothing but an accessory, a mood maker when she was working, an annoyance she had to deal with for a while, strident bass and ear-grating voices.

But this? It made her feel like she was drowning. Like her senses were turning off, but at the same time she felt too sensitive. Too grounded in reality, but at the same time too unattached.

She wouldn’t cry. Damn her. Damn Jihyo. Damn Sana.

In a fit of rage (or whatever the hell she was feeling, she couldn’t quite understand), her fist struck the wall, making a small hole.

She ended not attending classes the rest of the week.