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Every pedestrian of Hongdae Street weirdly looked at the sight of a young woman, ran while adjusting her green scarf around her neck. She looked unorganized with her brown long winter coat, purple sweater inside with a black tracksuit. A weird combination, with her frizzy long hair kept under snow cap. Hongdae is full with weird people with more weird fashion style anyway. Even at midnight. So they decided to ignore her and resumed their business at the busy street.

 

Little did they know the girl have a rescue mission.

 

***

 

"Jongdae?"

 

Kim Taerin slowly opened her best friend's apartment door with the spare key he gave to her when he first moved here. She still barely breathing after running for almost fifteen minutes from her own apartment. However, the sight of her best friend bundled in God-know-how-many blankets on the couch made her forgot the fact she needs to save herself first. Hurriedly walked towards him, she crouched beside him, sitting on the floor.

 

"Jongdae, what happened?"

"It hurt, Taerin-ah. Why is it so hurt? My heart. It's so hurt, Tae."

"Talk to me, Dae. What's wrong?"

 

She tried to uncover Jongdae from the blankets that hid her best friend. However, a hand came out of the blanket mess and stopped her from doing so.

 

"Come on. You can't tell me in this position. I only heard you mumbling God knows what."

"It hurts... Too much. My heart is hurt."

 

Feeling impatient with her best friend, she got up from the floor and began to pull the blanket one by one despite of the guy's protest. As she took the last blanket, a sad frame of Kim Jongdae came into her field of vision. He looked terribly dishevelled. His brown hair, which always neatly combed, was now disarrayed on one of the pink decorative pillow on his couch. Despite of the cold weather, he was just wearing a thin white t-shirt and shorts.

 

What broke her more was his face. Kim Jongdae never stopped smiling no matter how his day was. A once positive man now looked hollow. The sparks in his beautiful eyes now gone, replaced by some dark forces. His eyes looked teary, as if he cried non-stop for hours. His high cheekbones stained with both fresh and stained tears. The cheeky smile, his trademark smile, wiped away.

 

Taerin really fought the urge to sob. She could not cry now. Not when her best friend needs her. She has to be strong for him. Once she seated on the couch, she gently moved Jongdae's head from the pillow onto her lap. She slowly brushed away the fringe from Jongdae's forehead and his hair. She caressed his cheeks, wiping away the tears, hoping he will stop crying. She alternately patted and Jongdae's chest, trying to tell him 'let it out, Jongdae. Tell me. Stop crying, please. You're hurting me too, you know'.

 

"It hurts... It hurts..."

 

Cradling Jongdae's upper part of his body in her arms, she began to calm her best friend.

 

***

 

It took Kim Taerin two hours to completely calm a crying Kim Jongdae. The latter was now sleeping on the couch since he refused to enter his bedroom. She wanted to ask him why but pushed away the thought and just let the guy sleep there.

 

Only then she realized how his apartment had turned into a minor disaster zone. Beer cans on the coffee table opposite of the couch with Chinese take-outs beside them. Dirty dishes in the sink. Coffee mugs on the small dining table. Laptop and his work files messily placed on the table as well. Slowly placing his head on the pillow, she folded the sleeves of her sweater.

 

Time to clear things up.

 

***

 

In thirty minutes, every nook and cranny of the small apartment had been much more organized than before she arrived. She placed the last plate on the drying rack before pulling off the gloves she wore while doing the dishes. She sat awhile at the dining table, resting. She threw a quick glance at her sleeping friend. Seeing him breathing in a good pace, she felt a little better.

 

Her eyes landed on the door of Jongdae's bedroom.

 

'Don't go in there. You'll kill me. Yes, I'm mad and sad. But, no, I didn't hide her body there. I didn't murder anyone. I swear to God. I just turned my room upside down. I promise I'll clean it up tomorrow.'

 

She quietly chuckled remembering his words. Although he said it with his serious tone, she still found it quite amusing.

 

Taking her coat from the hanger behind the door, she quietly left the apartment with a note on Jongdae's phone.

 

'I'll come again tomorrow with breakfast. You better feel okay tomorrow or no pancakes for you.'

 

***

 

The painful sob Taerin tried to swallow since midnight burst once she got into her apartment. The tears just flew down her cheeks. She slowly peeled off the coat before changing into her pyjamas.

 

"I still love her, Tae. And I know she still loves me too. Why did this happened to me, Tae?"

"I'll do anything for her. I swear to God. Anything. As long as I will have her at the end of the day."

"What did I do to feel this? I've been a good boyfriend to her. Why do I still feel hurt?"

"I'm tired, Taerin. I'm tired of breaking up with her and get back together with her. But I don't want to let her go. I need her. She's the only one who could make me happy. She completes me."

"Will begging could make her turn to me again?"

 

She recalled every Jongdae's words when she climbed up her bed. She hates her ability to recall every pain she felt when she is on bed. It is like she let herself sleep in pain, drowning in her own tears.

 

"I swear to my boyfriend's ears, Kim Taerin, I'll kill Jongdae one day, with my own hands and dump his body in Han River."

"How could you let yourself be in pain, Tae? It hurts me to see you like this."

"Are you crazy? Sacrificing your own feelings for someone as oblivious as Jongdae and let him use you as comfort every time he ed up his relationship."

"This is like the 15000th time they broke up. How can he didn't see the relationship will never work out?"

 

She hates the fact a close friend of hers disagreed with her actions. No matter how many times Taerin explained to her about her motives, she still does not understand why she decided to stay with Jongdae.

 

Yes, she feels jealous every time Jongdae talks about the girl.

 

Yes, she hurts every time Jongdae cries for the girl.

 

Yes, sometimes she has the urge to tell Jongdae to stop telling her about his relationship problems.

 

Yes, sometimes she wants to ignore Jongdae whenever he ed up his relationship.

 

Yes, sometimes she tries to avoid Jongdae's SOS phone call in the middle of the night.

 

But, she could not do it. She felt like she betrayed her best friend. She promised him she will stay by his side no matter what happen. She will feel hurt. She will cry in her sleep. But as long as Jongdae will be happy, she will be happy too. She is willing to sacrifice her own happiness just to see Jongdae's smile.

 

Besides, this is her own fault for letting the hurtful feelings get into her. She could just ignore the pain and pretend everything to be okay. This is not Jongdae's fault as the guy did not know her true feelings for him.

 

Half of her inner self screaming to her, begging to give mercy to her poor heart and soul. She can feel herself getting tired from all the pain.

 

Another half of her inner self soothed her, telling her to stay with Jongdae and never leave his side no matter what happen. She knows she can feel better when she wakes up every morning.

 

And, every single time, the latter wins.

 

***

 

"Hello?"

"Where's my pancake?"

 

Taerin just laughed while getting up from bed the morning after. She felt happy when she heard Jongdae's chirpy voice.

 

"I just got up. Chill, dude."

"I need your pancakes. I need your hugs."

 

Jongdae needs her.

 

"Pft. Get a girlfriend."

"That's why I need you here now. I need you to help me brainstorm on how to get her back. I had this idea when I was asleep last night."

 

Maybe not as a girlfriend.

 

"Okay. Go write down your ideas before going to shower. You forgot a lot when you take a shower."

"This is why you are my best friend. You know things about me."

 

A best friend will be okay.

 

"I love you, Tae. Not as much as I love her, but I still love you because you're the best friend I ever had."

 

The fact hurts her, but whatever.

 

"Love you too, buddy."

 

As long as she can stay by Jongdae's side, Taerin would not mind crying every night.

 

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