Chapter 1

Alexithymia

It was never a problem. It never was.

Jessica was content she had no friends on her school. Perhaps acquaintances, yes, but not friends. It wasn't a problem for Jessica to find everyone thinking she was cold, uncaring, and tactless, and thus she always finds herself alone in everything. Heechul is enough for her, and sometimes she finds Sooyoung, Yoona, and Hyoyeon are pleasant. But they have their own circle of friends. And Jessica didn't try to be part of it.

Jessica didn't bother to look for friends. They are a bunch of idiots, anyway. The girls will always giggle whenever there are handsome boys around, while the boys will always whistle whenever there are hot and beautiful girls around. Jessica couldn't help but to think it was amusing to watch, but idiotic at the same time. She never understood why, though.

The girls always giggle themselves the loudest when a group of boys, who called themselves 'Kings', as cliche as it sounds. Siwon. Donghae, Wooyoung, and Seunghyun. The four handsome boys who always make the girls head over heals just by a wink. But not for Jessica, of course. Not when they always bully her until Heechul came to the rescue. And that means, Jessica had already have a new bruise. 

Not that it mattered to her. She could always hide from them on the always empty infirmary, with sometimes accompanied with Hyoyeon who always skips class but managed to always attain the highest score.

But this time, she was determined to taste a new dish the cafeteria served. Her classmates, whom Jessica remembered as Sooyoung and Yoona, gushed about how tasty it was on their tastebuds. When the others are focused on the new cook – who apparently Jessica knew him personally as Nichkhun, the two girls always talked about how great he is when it comes to making his specialty dishes. The recipe came from Taecyeon who run a successful café and restaurant, after all.

But alas, she had to stack her books to her locker first. And that means meeting Siwon in the hallway.

“What are you doing, ?” The leader, Siwon, sneered her. Jessica did not reply. She never did. “Oh? Too scared to even reply now?” Siwon sneered again, but this time Donghae grabbed her hair and threw her to the floor, laughing as if finding humour at the sound of head hitting the ground. Wooyoung and Seunghyun behind them laughed also.

Sometimes Jessica wondered, why did they laugh? Why they always found kicking people around is funny? Jessica knew a laugh is triggered by something amusing or funny, but was there something so funny about herself, as Wooyoung and Seunghyun always laughed at her, whenever Siwon was around or not.

Siwon squatted, smirking as Jessica groaned at the impact from before. “Where do you usually go during lunch, huh?” He demanded. Jessica only groaned, ignoring Siwon’s demand. It was not long after that, Siwon slapped Jessica. “Answer me!” He growled.

“Sleeping,” Jessica replied vaguely. She let out a weak grunt as her head collided with the ground, once again.

It was cruel, but no one dared to interfere. Not when Siwon and Donghae are around. Not when they are one of the richest of the richest. Not when they could rule this school with a single flick of a hand. No, not that.

“Screw off,” Jessica retaliated, but her tone was monotone, without any sign of irritation or even anger. Emotionless, as she had always been. It couldn’t be considered as calm, but it couldn’t be considered as anger either. Regardless, Siwon kicked her.

“Who are you to tell me what to do, huh?” He shouted, his kicks getting harder and harder to the limp girl on the floor. “You are worthless piece of !” He shouted again, delivering a final blow to her face. Donghae just stood there, crossing his arms nonchalantly, even he seemed to enjoy the tortures Siwon gave to Jessica.

Jessica however, did not even scream. She never did. The only sound she produced was a grunt, and it always came softly, barely audible to the ears.

Jessica just waited until Siwon got tired of kicking her, then said, “Are you that weak, to stop kicking?” again, her voice was vacant of any emotion possible. Not even a raise in octave, not even the contrary. It stayed neutral.

It ticked Siwon greatly. No one dared to talk back to him. But Jessica did, she always did, whenever she was in a vulnerable state like this; laying on the floor without any protection, as if she did it only to provoke him.

“You—“ He began, raising his foot to stomp on her head, but a hard kick on his abdomen sent him back a couple of feet.

“You ,” Heechul muttered angrily, his foot was still flying in mid-air. He placed his foot down before he spoke with a cold and harsh voice of his, “I told you not to mess with Jessica, Siwon. Or face me.”

“Why, why. Heechul, you are a bit late!” Siwon laughed, as if the threat was a joke. “Jessica barely escaped death, you know that! And guess what, you are late!” Donghae found this funny, and laughed as well. Seunghyun and Wooyoung however, did not find this amusing.

“[Death] is a cessation of all the vital function of body including heartbeat, brain activity, and breathing,” Jessica pointed out suddenly, already raising to her feet. “I barely escaped death is a simple exaggeration, as I know my brain still functioning properly and my breath is still even.” She continued again, monotonously.

Seunghyun and Wooyoung lunged, but quickly backed away at Heechul protective stance and death glare.

“Perhaps you should go to doctor, Choi,” She said as she looked to Siwon, her eyes looked hollow as always. “Your breath is uneven and your heart beats erratically by the time Heechul kicked your abdomen. I’d say it is because of your adrenaline; but your heart is still beating like that. That isn’t normal, don’t you think?”

“Shut up!” Donghae growled with fury and lunged to Jessica, only to be held back by Siwon. “Don’t,” he whispered, his eyes darted to a murderous Heechul. Heechul returned the gaze, and Siwon sweated. He had crossed path with Heechul too many times before, and they always did not end good to him. Heechul had always been the victorious one. Siwon didn’t know if it was because of his sheer power or Heechul had always knew his weakness – something he did not know himself. Brushing his thought off, his eyes darted to Jessica and said with a low growl, “This is not the end, Jung.” And with his hand pulling Donghae’s collar, he strode off before disappearing into a corner.

After the figures had gone in the hallway, Heechul turned to Jessica and sighed. Jessica was gathering her fallen books, about to stack it inside her locker without any single care of the world. Carefully he caressed her soft silk hair, and then a bit of bruise on her right cheek. Jessica didn’t even surprised at the contact. She was rather used to it. “You shouldn’t let them do that, Jessica.” He said softly.

“I’d say it’s a [fear] he displayed it to you, Oppa,” Jessica pointed again, wincing slightly when Heechul caressed her bruise. “He’s hyperventilating, his heart beats too rapidly, his body is tense, and he has goosebumps on his arms…” she trailed off, remembering the exposed arms of Siwon. “Although I’m not too sure, he displayed [fear] only to you and Mrs. Kang. He’s afraid of you, Oppa. And to Mrs. Kang too.” She added, remembering how Siwon stuttered at the appearance of their homeroom teacher. Mrs. Kang wasn’t a scary woman, she was rather stern but actually mother-like. It made Jessica remembered her own mother, though she didn’t even know who her mother was.

Heechul sighed, but this time it was followed by an amused laugh. Jessica only looked innocently at him, curious; what’s there to laugh about? Jessica was sure she only stated a matter of basic physiology and it wasn’t something to laugh about. But Jessica wasn’t angry. Even though she should at least a bit irritated by that, she wouldn’t.

Because she couldn’t.