KYUNGSOO POV:

the ride home is dreadful. the tires are squeaky, the seat is cold, the crappy radio station plays the same songs over and over again, and the pitiful rain collapsing on the windows weren't helping the situation at all. the manager's face is stiff, a small grimace painted onto the bottom of his mouth while his eyebrows are furrowed together, an ugly line where the skin overlaps separates the two. 

"i'm sorry"

the quiet phrase almost echoes around the van's walls and i turn my head slowly to take in the manager's appearance once more. 

his eyes face forward, the hands around the wheel clenched so tight that the knuckles gradually lose color. everything about his position screams "uncomfortable" so i grunt in reply and turn forward once more, playing around with my fingers until the van eventually reaches our dorm once more and it jolts to a stop. i quietly leave the vehicle, nodding in acknowledgment to the manager before walking up into the dorm. 

the cold handle bar is unfamiliar and harsh against my skin, pulling me out of my dream-like state. 

breathe in,

breathe out.

the door clicks as i twist the handle, opening it to see a scatter of shoes on the floor and the faint sound of laughter and conversation. i pick at my shoelaces, dreading the confrontation with my members whom were probably seated in the living room. the quiet sound of the television pricks at my ears. maybe i can go unnoticed. 

the plan clearly fails the second the door slams shut, the sound resonating around the cramped walls and silencing the lively talk in the living room. my feet shuffle against the floor, almost dragging as i feel the weight on my shoulders gradually getting heavier and heavier. i tug my hat down on my face as i reach the end of the hall to see the living room, head down to observe my socks as i slowly shuffle towards my room. from the corner of my eye i see all the members seated on the couch, or around it, peering back at me. my eyes drag over tan skin and almond eyes, not seeing the familiar warmth from them. 

my teeth tug my lips in between my teeth as the walls surround me once more as i reach the halls where our rooms were. i open the door and shut it quietly, closing off all noise around me as i collapse on my bed.

when you get back to your dorm go grab a small suitcase and pack, we arranged for you to head back home to spend more time with your family. 

a sigh escapes my mouth as i push myself to sit up once more, back slouching so that it was harder for me to breath easily. my body seems to creak as i push on my knees to raise myself up from the comfort of my bed, heading towards the closet as i grab a small suitcase, gray and scratched up from years of traveling alongside our crew. i quickly grab multiple clothes, not packing too much since my house still holds a lot of my old clothes. 

after what feels like a few minutes, i start packing a backpack. notebook, laptop, chargers, and other essentials get tossed into the small pack. i grab a large hoodie from the closet, tugging it on over my body. what used to be tight is now loose-- too loose almost. maybe i lost more weight than i thought. i tug on my hat once more and bring the hood over, a sad attempt to hide more of my face from the ignorant members in the room nearby. grabbing everything, i take one more look at the messy room in front of me before turning around, dragging my suticase behind me and quietly closing the door. my hand lingers, almost unwilling to leave the room of memories for even just a few weeks. smiling sadly, i leave it behind, the ricketing of the wheels against the wooden floor. 

i pass by the living room once more, the silence greeting me as i grimace at the stares/glares from my fellow members. i plan on just leaving, hoping that the managers will deliver the message soon so that i wouldn't have to face my group's disappointment. 

i'm almost at the hall that leads to the door when i hear chanyeol speak up, my body jolting to a stop as i hear the familiar voice. 

"where are you going?" 

i turn slowly, raising my hat so that my eyes can be seen. the members all look at me in confusion, some still in anger. my eyes glance over my group as i attempt a smile. 

"i was kicked off this promotion cycle, so i'm going home." my voice is quiet in the large room. the silence that greets me is worse than when i first entered the room. the tension was almost tangible, hanging in the air as the rest of the group processes my words. i'm about to turn around when someone interupts me once more. 

"why"

my body freezes as i turn to jongin, looking at me with an unrecognizable expression on his face. his eyes are swimming with someone akin to rage, but his face screams a mixture of confusion, shock, and disappointment. i clear my throat which seems to be closing up as i take in more and more of his appearance. i want to scream at him, release a flurry of slurs and insults because its you. and it's always been you. 

i don't. 

"i was an inconvenience. so they removed me." i reply with a shrug of my shoulders, all emotion left from my body as i turn away for the last time and move on, ignoring the quiet conversation that erupted the second i replied. i slip my shoes on and open the door, checking my phone for the message that manager would be here soon. i hear the patter of feet behind me as i turn and raise my eyebrow in surprise. 

jongin is breathing heavy, hand against the wall to balance himself as he opened his mouth to speak, his eyes tracing every aspect of my face and his tongue failing to form incoherent words. i smile at him, more of a grimace honestly, and walk out of the apartment, hearing the creak of the door closing as i started walking down the hallway to the elevator. 

"hyung-" 

jongin's voice rings in the hallway before the slam of the door interrupts him, sentence cut short. i slam the down button and step into the elevator, pressing the L button. 

the weight grows heavier.