after kaistal officially started dating, i could see my performance rapidly decreasing. i kept dragging the group when i didn't dance the choreo correctly, couldn't hit the notes right in recording, and would always bring the mood down whenever we were out or hanging out. the group members noticed of course, and some tried to ask me about it. i played it off with something along the lines of "my family isn't doing so well".

kai appeared to be so happy, all the members seemed to be improving, and the group was getting closer,

except me. 

i seemed to be left out of all these activities. as if the group was flowing with a river and i was left stranded at a rock. i smiled through the pain, told myself that everything was going to be okay. i locked myself in my room, practicing notes or doing vocal exercises to keep up. whenever the rest left after practice, i'd stay a couple hours later, practicing the dance moves over and over with bruised knees and wet shirts. i ate less, focusing on maintaining a nicer body in case we were comebacking any time soon. my pants were getting looser, shirts getting bigger. inside i felt so accomplished, that, hey, at least i was doing one thing right.

but no matter how hard i tried, the extra practices never helped, i kept dragging the rest of the group down. i tried harder and harder, loosing even more sleep and more food. the team never noticed though, they didn't realize that i was practicing extra, or i was doing vocal practices. 

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after the sixth time of messing up a part of the choreo, lay finally blew up on me. 

"kyungsoo why can't you do it right? it's not difficult, just follow the steps and do it!" he yells, taking off his hat and throwing it on the ground. suho immediately stands up from his spot, grabbing yixing by the arm and pulling him back. "don't even try to stop me! we all know that kyungsoo has been lacking lately, he keeps messing things up, never there when we spend time together, he's always out somewhere after practice and doesn't come back to the dorm hours after it ended. get your act together kyungsoo! even your strong point, singing, has fallen low, lower than it should be!" he yells. he keeps going, no one being able to stop him. i glance over to the other members, all just fixing their shoes or fiddling with their clothes. swallowing my saliva, my eyes flit over to where jongin was standing. my knees almost give. 

jongin just glares at me, jaw clenched tight and his eyes narrowing. his arms are set on in his hips and his body is slouched, showing that he was irritated at my behavior. 

i closed my eyes, taking my hat off and putting it back on. i open them to look at yixing, who's now just glaring at me, chest rising up and down as his adrenaline high goes down. 

"i know. i'm sorry. i'll get back right away. i'm sorry." i say quietly, the room going silent at my response. "sorry i'm going to get going first." i say, grabbing my jacket and mask and heading out the door. i stare at my feet, clicking against the hallway floor before stopping in front of the elevator. i click the button, staring at the red flickering of the old elevator button. i bite my lip and wait for the elevator doors to open, rocking back and forth on my heels. i walk in once it arrives and quickly have the doors close before any of my members thought of following me-- even though they probably don't care.

the second the door closes, my emotions flow out endlessly. i recall on the members' actions in the room while yixing was yelling at me, taking the silence as a quiet agreement. i recall the angry and frustrated look in lay's eyes, his forehead dripping with sweat as he patronized me for all the right reasons. i recall the way jongin looked, so disappointed and mad at how i was acting. i gnaw on the inside of my cheek, quickly slipping the mask on and jogging outside of the building before any fans could follow me. i head into a nearby convenience store, grabbing tons of snacks and paying for them before sitting outside of the shop on a chair, binge eating all of the chips and chocolate and sweets. i'm on my second ramen bowl before i realize what i'm doing, tears coming to my eyes as i recognize that the one thing i improved had finally been thrown away with the rest of my talents. i bring my mask down, cringing in the suffocation of the black piece of cloth. tears run down my face as everything hits me, the weight of my actions finally set into my heart. my heart empties itself as i rest my face in my arms and crouch over the table, masking my sobs and hiding my face. i hear the onlookers whispering at me, i hear the patronizing words and the words full of pathetic sympathy. i cry harder, eyes burning from the heat and nose starting to run disgustingly. the hiccups grow louder and i feel my shoulders shake involuntarily. i stand up, not thinking to throw away my trash before placing the mask back on my face and throwing my hood over my hat to mask my identity even more. i walk down the street, not thinking of anything as the tears stain my mask. 

click.