i hear of the pictures when the company calls me into a meeting with the CEO himself. i notice his tense face when i first walk in, something i'm not usually used to being one of the more responsible members of exo. i sit in the chair, facing him with hands folded across my lap. nervously i bite the inside of my cheek until i can taste the familiar scent of blood on my tongue, tainting my thought process and jumbling up my ideas. 

"kyungsoo do you know why i have called you here today?" the cold hard voice answers, the man not looking up from his papers while speaking towards me. 

"is it because of my deteriorating performance?" i mumble fiddling my fingers together and internally preparing myself for the verbal abuse to continue. 

"well, that too. what's more important right now is how much of the press is on your right now kyungsoo. why were you outside, why were you avoiding your diet, and why did you think it was appropriate to leave the building in that state?" the CEO's voice grows louder, echoing around the walls. i physically flinch, not expecting this side of my superior when i usually only see him calm and collected. "do you know how many complaints i am receiving from netizens right now? they believe its my fault that you're like this currently and i can't do anything to deny it because i don't even know if it is the company's fault. so kyungsoo. would you like to tell me what is going on in that head of yours?" 

i slowly start to register the words he was spitting out into the office. press? diet? outside? 

fear envelops me as i clear my throat to question him. 

"sorry sir, what exactly happened? i've been trying to improve my performance so i had the manager take my phone away." i smile nervously, not receiving a warm one back. like usual. 

"kyungsoo, multiple news stories have been published on your "emotional breakdown" a few nights ago. it's causing great trouble for exo, especially since we're preparing for a comeback soon. they're putting all the blame on the company and i can't do anything because you never tell us what is going on." he speaks, pulling off his glass and pinching at the bridge of his nose. he grabs his phone, playing around with it for a few seconds before sliding it across the table to meet my hands. 

[BREAKING] Do Kyungsoo of EXO, commonly known as 'D.O' was seen at 7/11 emotionally breaking down! 

i fearfully swipe down, skimming over the sympathetic article before clicking on the pictures. 

my breath hitches. 

its a low quality picture of me walking out of the illuminated convenience store. my face is a mess-- it was red and sweaty from practice but tears were running down it, making my face look as if i had cried rivers. my hair was pushed messily under my hood, peaking out from the sides and matting against my sweaty forehead. my eyes were bloodshot and puffy, red lined around large doe eyes. my lips were swollen, abused from nervous teeth and covered in tears or sweat, i couldn't really tell at that point. 

"i-" i stammer, trying to find the words to explain myself. "sir, i- it wasn't- i mean-" my tongue fails to form the sentences i want. my guilt eats away at me as i murmur, staring at my hands to find some sort of attempt to shy away from the piercing eyes of the CEO. "i'm going through a difficult time. i've been trying to make it so that it wouldn't show up during practice but my teammates and even i am starting to get frustrated at my mistakes. i stepped out for some cool air but i just couldn't handle it and i guess i broke down. i'm really sorry sir to be such an inconvenience." i look back up, met with sympathetic eyes. 

he stays quiet for a few seconds, pulling his hand up to rub at his chin in thought. a few moments later, his eyes perk up to mine as if he's thought of what he wants to say. 

"kyungsoo i'm extremely sorry that our staff couldn't handle it in the earlier stages. if you're ever having a tough time in the future, make sure to tell one of us. or at least another artist if you feel more comfortable that way, just don't keep it all pent up inside." i nod in acknowledgement, closing my eyes in shame that i had allowed myself to reach this point. 

"that being said, after your monthly checkup and also from your vocal and dance teachers, i can tell you've gone downhill very suddenly." i perk up, eyes widening in shock and my lip into my mouth, biting down hardly on the tender skin. "not only your normal skill aptitude, but your weight and your personality has gone extremely downhill," his eyebrows pull down into a frown. 

"as your CEO of your company, we find your health to be at utmost importance," he calmly speaks. i scoff in my mind, almost rolling my eyes at the statement. "so i have decided maybe you should not be part of the upcoming comeback until you get yourself back together." 

my eyes shoot up and my mouth opens in protest before i am cut off once more. 

"i've already talked this through with your family who agree with me, they believe your health is more valuable than your career as of currently." 

a feeling of betrayal sinks into my body. after hours and hours of practice and weeks of suffering and starving, i'm suddenly told that i won't be part of the comeback? 

"sir i've worked very hard at this comeback and i almost have all of the choreography memorized and i've been working hard to improve my vocals-"

"kyungsoo this decision is final. we'll tell the rest of exo later but for now just go back and rest. make sure you get your weight back up but don't over eat, keep it healthy. if you need i'll call up the nutrition specialist but just contact me if you need him." i try to think of ways i can contrast him, to prove that i'm fine and i can do the comeback. i feel tears well up at the edges of my eyes as i bite back whimpers in my mouth. the CEO smiles at me, sickeningly sweet as i drown in the pathetic sympathy i'm receiving from the most unsympathetic person in the building. i look up at the ceiling, fighting back the tears of frustration as i swallow down my complaints. 

"okay."