Chapter 3

"After middle school, we're going to high school. I'm so excited to be an adult Jeonghannie." "What do you want to do when you grow up, Cheolie?" Seungcheol starts to swing his seat back and forth, "I want to travel the world. I want to bring my parents anywhere they want." I nod several times in excitement for Seungcheol's dream. He really loves his parents. "How about you, Jeonghan? What do you want to do when you grow up?" I move my head sideways and furrowed my brows, "Hmm.." "Cheol baby, let's go home. We need to finish your homework." I paused from thinking when Seungcheol's mom came. I smile sadly to them. "Okay, mom! Jeonghan, let's talk again tomorrow. Bye!" Seungcheol gets up from the swing and waves his hand to me as he walks away with his mom. I wave back and look down to my lap. As I move the metal seat with my feet, I thought about his question earlier again. Hm, what do I want to do when I grow up? I look again at Seungcheol's direction and he's slowly fading to my sight. "When I grow up, I want to marry you Seungcheol. I'll tell you next time" I think this is the right time. After 8 years, I'm ready to tell Seungcheol what I really want when I grow up. After my class, I immediately leave our room and go home. When I reached the school gate, I heard someone calling my name. I look at my back and saw Seungcheol running to my direction. When he finally reached my position, he put his hand over his knees, catching his breath. "Let's go home together, Jeongha. I want to tell you something." Seungcheol gets up and smile at me. "Sure and me too, I want to tell you something." I smile back at him. "Really, what is it?" he asked then we started walking. Seungcheol stands on my right side and I'm on the road side. "Ahm.. ahh. You go first. It's not that really important." I bite my lips and look at him. I'm really nervous. Am I really ready for this? "Okay." Seungcheol stops and face me. He smiles from ear to ear, his dimples are showing. It must be really important and exciting. "Jeonghannie.." I also stop and face him. "Jeonghan, I finally have a girlfriend!" He exclaims. "What?" My heart falls on the ground but I'm too busy processing what I heard on my mind to pick it up. Did I heard it right? Seungcheol has a girlfriend? But how about me? How about my feelings for him? Will I be able to confess it to him? Maybe, there's no need for me to tell him about my stupid dream. That makes no sense. Maybe dad was right. I should stop this craziness of mine. But can I do that? I think I can. All these years I'm hiding, keeping my true self a secret. Tears starts to form on my eyes. I swallowed hard to prevent it from falling. Why is it so hard? It hurts. It really hurts so much. "Jeonghan? Aren't you happy for me?" he pouts cutely that lightened up my feelings slightly. I flashed a fake smile, I hope he doesn't notice. "Of course not. I-I'm so happy for you. C-Congratulations!" Seungcheol grins again and put his hands over my shoulder. "Thank you, Jeonghan!" then we continue on walking. There's a comfortable silence after that revelation. My mind is still full of thoughts of him. Why am I hurting like this? I should be happy for him. I need to accept that Seungcheol has a girlfriend now. That he's a straight guy. That my dream is really an impossible dream. My train of thoughts are cut when I felt Seungcheol's hand on my arms. "Jeonghan, are you okay?" I look at him and nods slowly. He removes his hands on me. I look at it as it sway gently on his side. I want to hold it, but I can't. I need to control my feelings. I need to forget it. "By the way, what is it that you want to tell me?" he asked. No Seungcheol. It's nothing. I don't think I need to tell you about this. Not now, not tomorrow, not anymore. "Ahm, it's no--" "Jeonghan!!" My heart is beating fast again. What happened? I feel so warm with the arms wrapped around me. I smelled the familiar vanilla scent so close to me. I opened my eyes and saw the side profile of Seungcheol. He's so close to me. He's looking at the road's direction and I gasped when he turn his face to me. Our faces are just inches away, I can feel his warm breath as he breathe. My lips tremble as I look at his eyes down to his lips. "S-Seungc-cheol.." He slowly loosened his arms on me. "Are you okay Jeonghan? You're almost hit by the--" I failed. I can't control myself. Seungcheol didn't finished his words because I catched his lips. It was a strange feeling. It's my first kiss and I feel so guilty. This is wrong, very wrong. I was about to pull away but Seungcheol already pushed me off. "Jeonghan, stop!" Shock and disgust are painted on his face. And that's when I can't control my tears anymore. Just like rain, it falls non-stop on my cheeks. I lowered my head and continue on sobbing, "I-I'm s-sorry. S-Seungcheol, I'm s-sorrrry.." I look up at him and his expression is still the same. He looks so horrified. He slowly shook his head and finally walks away. I tried to stop him by grabbing his hands but he shoves me away. I called out his name but he didn't look back. I fell down on my knees and cover my face with my hands. On the sidewalk, I was left alone, crying my heart out, feeling guilty and disappointed with myself. You're so stupid Jeonghan. I'm so stupid.