With much difficulty , Byunghun managed to take a shower and even got himself in fresh clothes  .  It did take him too long but it was a good thing he could still do something by himself , right ? He thought , smiling wistfully then opened the door , ready to step out when he felt the world spinning and  everything went hazy .. He thought he heard the doorbell , the continued knocking , more like someone smashing the door with his name called right after . But wasnt too sure . though a part of him knew it was Chanhee ..  

Breathing heavily , he dragged himself and leaned against the wall , hysterically laughing with tears flowing like a river from his eyes to his cheeks then down to his jaw . He was trying his best not to Lose consciousness because he didn’t want to be pitied .  Yet he also didn’t want the other to see him and start asking about the chain  .

Maybe it's actually better to collapse . A voice in him whispered , almost surrendering . That way he wouldn’t have to face Chanhee , not right away at least .
 

To struggle for  consciousness or to give in and just collapse ?

As if he could  .  The same voice returned and quipped .

He knew it was a losing battle .

Since when did he ever win against his own body ? The voice questioned rhetorically . That failure of a body ..

To collapse or not . Which would save him the remaining bits of his pride and dignity ?
 

None , In fact . Firm and serious , the voice answered .

Couldn't there be a third option ? Broken and desperate , he pleaded .

Luckily , his body decided for him . And that was none but shutting down .
The pitiful one welcomed an all too familiar world of darkness and nothingness .

Meanwhile , The first thing greeting Chanhee  as he got inside and rushed to the bedroom was an empty bed . Then and as he turned around to scan the rest of the apartment , he noticed  the light of  the bathroom was switched on . A lot of light was coming out which meant the door was left open . Fearing the worst , he slowly walked there ,   the eerie silence having done nothing to reassure him . Byunghun never leaves bed every so often especially because  walking back and forth exhausts him . If need be  and he had to get up ,  Byunghun would never  leave the lights . He was so disciplined regarding those issues .  That alone did little to ease Chanhee’s anxiety .  Ever since the chain fiasco , he felt sick . Something must have gone terribly wrong . He could feel it . And true enough , much to his horror , when he reached the bathroom , he almost stepped on an arm .

Chanhee couldn't contain the shocked gasp escaping his lips as his eyes landed on Byunghun , unconscious and paler than he ever remembered . Guilt gnawed at his insides with a force too strong he dropped to his knees and slowly as if not believing , moved his hand to touch the younger's hair . His fingers softly brushed through the damp silky strands and then paused . He gently pulled the younger to his lap and started breathing heavily , eyes blurred and lips quivering . A muffled sniff echoed in the hallway as Chanhee finally picked Byunghun up cradling him in a tight loving embrace filled with anguish , guilt and despair .

He knew what triggered his heart . Byunghun , as critical as his condition may be , never ended up losing consciousness . Another pang of guilt pulled at his heart as he realized that the younger attempted to take a shower even though Chanhee helped him every time . Byunghun just wanted to prove to himself he could do it alone , but sort of failed .. He was this close to succeeding .. but not quite . The effort he had to exert during the shower must have exhausted him so much he ended up fainting ..

No .. No . Byunghun did well . Chanhee told himself . Byunghun was a good boy and he should be rewarded . Yes . Even if he did collapse , he was strong enough to fight it for as long as possible , to endure the painful physical effort and walk alone from the bedroom to the bathroom , showered and got changed .. It was admirable .

Adjusting their positions , Chanhee stood up with the petite younger in his arms . Gently , protectively and fondly , the elder held Byunghun and padded towards their room . Just Thinking about the shame and self-loathing the younger would feel later on broke Chanhee's heart .

When he reached their room , he slowly laid Byunghun down and roamed his eyes all over the bed , searching for the covers but didn't find them . Furrowing his eyebrows , he shrugged and decided to get another cover . Something else registered in his brain . The windows were thoroughly open and curtains were pulled apart as if to allow in as much air as possible . Which was odd .. Usually , any little amount of air would make Byunghun sick . And.. Was that the air freshner lingering in the room ?? What scent was Byunghun trying to hide ? Gasping , Chanhee widened his eyes and whirled around searching for matches or a lighter .. Could it be ? Was Byunghun suicidal ? Chanhee hoped not . Being extra careful would do no harm though .. A new decision came to life .. It was still just an assumption , but Chanhee decided he would devote all his time to the younger from now on . Nonetheless , he couldn't help the boiling anger he felt at the younger's actions - if his guess was right - . Why would Byunghun do that ? Did he not think of how much painful it would be for Chanhee ? Or did he think and not care ? Did he finally reach the point of wanting nothing but death ? Was it too late to heal the scars deeply engraved in the younger's heart ? Chanhee felt his eyes moisten at the thought of it alone .. He could not stand losing the younger . It was bad enough they didn't get a chance to experience a normal life as lovers .. What else did this twisted fate want from them ? Hadn't they suffered enough ? Especially Byunghun .. What more did life want to brually take from him ? Wasn't his condition bad enough ? Not having freedom , being dependent on others , having troubles walking or exerting any physical effort in general .. Wasn't it enough ?

Feeling lightheaded , Chanhee sighed deeply and leaned on the wall , eyes forlornly gazing at his beloved , all asleep and lying on bed non responsive .. The elder contained the urge to go there and shake the other , afraid he wasn't just sleeping .. No . No. Chanhee shook his head and chased away such dark thoughts .

But something bugged him .. If Byunghun was suicidal , why would he try that method of all others ? A fire would permanently destroy everything , every memory and may even harm other people .. Byunghun was too much of an angel to endanger others .. And really , no matter how much he sniffed , Chanhee couldn't detect any lingering smoke . Then what the hell was going on ? Why would Byunghun lock the chain ? To buy time for what ? Surely he didn't think that the elder would not find a way to get inside , right ? He couldn't have done it for the hell of it or just to prevent Chanhee from ever entering . The only plausible explanation was that the younger wanted to buy himself enough time to hide a certain something .. What though ? Chanhee had no idea .

Unforgiving , a headache made itself known and Chanhee would be lying if he said he didn't expect it to happen . So and Surrendering to exhaustion , the reddish brown haired male dropped on bed and joined his lover right after pulling the keys and cell phone from his pocket and putting them on the bedside table . He would settle everything out later . With that promise , the last bit of awareness left him as the fresh scent of his lover lulled him to a much needed sleep .

The next time Byunghun came to , he felt a familiar warmth - literally and figuratively - .. He felt a warm presence next to him and the unmistakable warmth of feeling safe and loved .

The younger of the two turned around to face a peaceful slumbering Chanhee who had him enveloped in a tight embrace . Unconsciously , Byunghun found himself smiling at the sight of the elder . Just like the old days . A wave of nostalgia overwhelmed him and he couldn't help but snuggle closer to his lover . Maybe collapsing every once in a while wasn't a bad thing after all . If it meant waking up to such embrace . Admittedly , Chanhee had been quite sweet ever since that incident took place . Byunghun giggled , body relaxed because of Chanhee's presence . The elder's scent as though a lullaby , pulled Byunghun back to rest . A yawn echoed about the room and the younger sighed in content as the blissful world of sleep welcomed him once again .

It's been so long since they last slept like this , mostly because of the elder's job . Whenever Chanhee would come back home , Byunghun would most likely be asleep . And early in the morning , Chanhee would awaken first and rush to work which meant they rarely to never had a chance to have some quality time together . But maybe it was about to change . Maybe things would change for the better . He deserved some happiness after all , right ?

It was some time later that they both woke up to a familiar melody , Chanhee's cell phone . Getting up and rubbing his eyes , the elder picked up his cell phone and answered . One of his work mates called to ask about something and thankfully didn't talk too long . Soon enough they bid each other goodbye and Chanhee ended the call , sighing as he relaxed back on bed . After putting the cell phone back on the bedside table , the elder turned around to face his lover and took him in a loose embrace , beaming once he saw the younger smile at him But then recalled the earlier events . He couldn't ignore them . Readying himself , Chanhee cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound as unthreatening as possible " Where are the covers ? " Byunghun visibly stiffened at that . It had been gullible of him to think Chanhee would not notice .

".. The laundry . " the younger blinked and replied hesitantly .

" But I just changed them yesterday . " Chanhee persisted in a demanding tone . Making the younger uncomfortable was never his intention , but he had to know for the peace of his mind and to ensure Byunghun's well being . It wasn't before few moments that the younger dignified Chanhee's question with an answer .

" Well , I spilled juice on them .. " Getting uncomfortable , Byunghun chose to gaze at Chanhee's general direction but never his scrutinizing eyes . The elder was not convinced but he knew better than to show it . He couldn't afford to let Byunghun think he didn't believe or trust him , their relationship was too fragile for that at the moment .

Trying to rein in his rising temper , Chanhee decided to ask another question . " okay . what about the chain ? "

" I .. " Byunghun stuttered and blinked repetitively , too nervous to come up with an excuse . It was crystal clear , the elder wouldn't be getting any honest answers , or at all .

puffing out air , Chanhee loosened his embrace and then completely pulled away - the thing that pulled at Byunghun's heart strings - before turning to face the ceiling . the elder started feeling furious , hepless and sad . There had been fear in the younger's expression and something in his eyes told Chanhee it would be painful for Byunghun to talk about it which in turn pained the elder himself .

Few minutes later , he heard the bed shifting indicating a movement beside him . Chanhee turned his head around to find Byunghun trembling , covering his face and breaking down into tears . Chanhee felt horrified and instantly sat up right then inched closer to the younger , ready to comfort him .

" I .. I threw up .. " the younger's voice quivered as he sobbed and struggled to even out his breathing at the same time . Chanhee pursed his lips trying to prevent himself from hugging the younger because he knew the moment he would do so , Byunghun would cry his heart out and break down completely . He had to respect his lover and allow him to talk , vent and express himself . It wasn't easy watching as Byunghun wiped his face with shaky hands only to have tears flow down his cheeks like heavy rain .

" I didn't want you to get angry or feel burdened with me .. I didn't want you to clean up my own mess . " Byunghun honestly didn't know if Chanhee could catch his incoherent trembling words but still found himself confessing .. Like a dam , every emotion poured out freely , unrestrained and unwilling to stop . And such thing didn't go unnoticed by Chanhee . It's the longest he 'd seen the younger talk in so much time . But that was not the only thing astonishing Chanhee . the words and their weight .. The broken tone . The shame lacing the younger's voice having been forced to reveal the truth , probably because he thought that he'd angered Chanhee by not giving an answer . the elder could almost taste the bitterness rolling off Byunghun in waves , the silent ' I'll tell you but please don't leave me , please don't look the other way , don't loosen your embrace . ' It pained Chanhee so much like a goddamn knife stabbing his heart , back and forth . However , if he couldn't handle the painful truth , he shouldn't have asked for it . He had to be honest as well . He owed Byunghun that much after all .

" You are not a burden , Byunghun . you never were . " The elder corrected gently as he reached forward and wiped his lover's tears away , feeling his heart contract when the younger squeezed his eyes shut and furrowed his eyebrows in anguish . Did Byunghun honestly think that Chanhee would eventually get bored and break up with him ? To the point he struggled alone just so he wouldn't be a burden .. Chanhee felt utterly tormented at that .. In a way , it was his fault . The time he spent treating the younger coldly had obviously made a harsh impact on little Byunghun's mind .. And unfortunately , it was kind of true . At some point , Chanhee did feel burdened even though he would never admit it . Feeling it alone was a sin in itself . And now .. Now it's about time he cleared up some misunderstanding .

Chanhee spoke up softly urging the younger to open his eyes and look at him . Byunghun hesitantly did as told , bracing himself for the elder's words . Maybe Chanhee was about to finally admit how much of a burden Byunghun truly was and the least he could do was being gentle about it . And it's for that very reason , the younger felt dumbfounded when he heard the exact opposite .

" Taking care of you , I need it just as much as you do or maybe even more . Byunghun , In The time I stopped giving you attention , I realized just how much my life felt empty . Like I lost my purpose .. I want to take care of you .. " Awkwardly and maybe even shyly , the elder admitted emphasizing his words as he swirled his index and drew patterns on the bed . A part of Byunghun found it adorable he nearly chuckled but the situation did not allow that . He honestly couldn't see how Chanhee needed an obligation though .. A burden .. The idea of him serving as the elder's purpose - more or less - felt both , terrifying and good . Did that mean that any other obligation would have done the trick ? Something to fill his time with ? If so , he could adopt a pet and take care of it . Byunghun didn't know if that was his depression talking . But it did sound so convincing until the elder spoke up again .

" It's reassuring and heartwarming in its own twisted way .. you know .. that you need and depend on me . " Chanhee concluded , their eyes caught and held . Like magic , an electrifying force surged through their bodies at the immense raw emotions filling the moment .

" I love you . " The way he said it , so soft and genuine , made Byunghun burst into tears and before he knew it , the elder had taken him in a tight embrace . Byunghun buried his head in Chanhee's chest muffling his sobs as he felt the elder 's hands bringing him closer like he couldn't stand the idea of having even the smallest distance between them . A hand on Byunghun's head gently tightened as Chanhee muffled his own sniffs in the younger's neck . He was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions erupting inside of him when memories rushed back making him feel even more guilty .

At first , he was so energetic and enthusiastic about helping Byunghun out but then , the routine started wearing him out in every aspect . Eventually , he got both , sick and tired of constantly looking after the younger even if he fought hard to chase away such repulsive thoughts . He couldn't pinpoint why but suddenly he found himself getting depressed over the younger's condition especially since it never got better . Hell , it didn't even stay as it was . It just kept getting worse and Chanhee felt at loss . The knowledge that he could do nothing about it devastated him beyond limits . He was forced to watch his lover wither before his very own eyes and still had to pretend that everything was gonna be fine . He couldn't lose hope and he couldn't let Byunghun do so . The doctors told him how a patient's emotional state was likely to affect their physical condition and that the last thing Byunghun needed was to lose hope . But everytime Chanhee had to meet those beautiful and knowing brown eyes of his lover , he couldn't bring himself to lie because it pained him .. How was he supposed to look after someone when he himself needed someone to hold him close and give him hope ? Everything spiraled out of control and all too sudden , he watched the reason of his happiness turn into the exact opposite .

Chanhee pulled away when he noticed the younger shivering only to realize the night breeze must have made him cold .. The elder forgot to close the windows back then . Chanhee resisted the urge to face palm and stood up whispering a quick apology then realized he hasn't changed yet . Everything just happened too fast after all . Ruffling his own hair , Chanhee approached the windows and somehow even that small action made him look attractive .. Or maybe a certain tiny brunette was just smitten .

Byunghun watched as his lover closed the windows and pulled the curtains together , Blushing deeply yet still staring , unabashed , when the elder proceeded taking off his clothes revealing his well defined muscles . He really missed being intimate with Chanhee but it couldn't be helped . ual activities would accelerate his heart rate which was highly inadvisable . Chanhee himself would not allow Byunghun to do anything risky no matter how much the younger planned to protest . Besides , the topic was so delicate to talk about . Another reason why Byunghun felt guilt eat him alive . It was not fair for Chanhee . he deserved better . he deserved someone who he could actually love - in every way - . Byunghun turned to the other side lest a lone tear made its way down and his lover witnessed it ..

That was his problem , somehow every time happiness seemed to inch closer , he would start having those dark thoughts and end up depressed beyond repair . However , was it not true ? How unfair it was for the elder ?

Chanhee shouldn't have to keep on fixing a broken doll .. Byunghun thought bitterly .

words count : 3545

Updated : 5 sept   , 2016 .