CHAPTER 6

 

 

 

~You are someone who gives me happiness~

 

That was literally the message that I wanted to convey to her through this song… but I guess, she didn’t really received it well for she was already gone from her seat by the time I finished singing.

I slowly moved my head from left to right as I carefully scanned my eyes to look for her in the crowd, but then no matter where I looked... she was still nowhere to be found.

I just looked at her empty chair once again feeling sad & disappointed.

I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to control my emotions when I heard the MC called my name as he was doing the outro for me. I immediately composed myself, hiding my real emotions behind my imaginary mask once again as I smiled & bowed my head for a couple of times before leaving the stage.

As soon as I went down the platform, I received lots of praises and cheers from everyone there including the CEO & the Vice chairman but the only person that I wanted to hear it from was not there anymore.

 

Maybe I was just too ahead of myself.

 

I guess I shouldn’t have done that.

I should’ve just stick to the song that I practice for days just for this special occasion rather than asking Esna unnie for a last minute change just so I could say what I wanted to say to her indirectly.

I really wanted to express how happy I felt now that I saw her again and that even after all these years, she’s still the one who gives me happiness. But I guess, I was really foolish for even thinking that she would somehow know that the song that I sang earlier was actually dedicated for her.

 

How stupid I was for having this kind of idea.

I’m just really useless…

No matter what I do, I always make her leave…

And just like before—she left again…

 

 

*****

 

 

"Out of sight, out of mind..."

 

That was the common phrase I always hear from the people around me when they first tried to comfort me when she left.
They all said that me breaking up with her and she leaving the country was for the best especially for the both of us.

 

But my heart was saying otherwise.

 

They all said that it's easier to forget people or things that are no longer visible or present...

One can moved on faster... heal faster... and also forget faster...

 

And that was what I wanted too for the past 5 years.

 

To forget...

 

But not for me, but for her...

 

Hoping that someday she'll forget all the hurtful things that I said to her that day...
That someday she'll forget all the pain and heartbreak that I caused her...
That someday she'll eventually forget all about me...

 

Forget that she loved someone like me who's very unworthy for her love....

 

And when that time comes, I hope that she'd forgive me for all the wrongful things that I've done to her.

For leaving her...

For pushing her away...

And for not fighting well enough for our love...

 

And that's what I tried believing in at first but that plan backfired at me.

 

For the thought of her forgetting about me makes my heart ache even more.

It made me feel scared and terrified.

 

What if she really does forget about me?
What if she finds someone else that could replace me in her heart?
Someone who's more deserving and worthy than I am?

What should I do then when that happens...?

 

I kept on having these useless thoughts that it just made my fear and longing for her to grow even more. Now I understand why some people say that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder…" because that was what's happening to me.

The more I don't see or feel her during those time, the more I longed for her.

The more I wanted to talk & see her again… The more I miss feeling her warm embrace and her sweet little kisses every time we’re together…

And also the more my heart was unable to stay at ease knowing that she might already have someone else in her heart.

That she might've already replaced me...

And that made me feel even more depressed, lonely, anxious, regretful, guilty, and angrier at myself but I couldn't do anything about it for it was all my fault.

 

I was the only one to blame.

 

I hurt the only person that I have ever truly loved and cared for the most in the whole wide world and I couldn't do anything to take it back.

To take the pain away and to fix everything back to normal.

I couldn’t turn back time to the way it was when we were still happy and together.

 

And I know that I'm really being selfish and outrageous here for still wishing- no--- for still wanting to have a place in her heart knowing that I'm the one who place a big hole on it in the first place.

I’m just really a shameless fool.

A very huge one that is.

 

If only I was strong… capable… and brave enough to fight for her back then, then none of these will ever happen.

 

*****

 

5 years ago...

 

*SLAP!*

 

Warm tears started to well up in my eyes as I felt the stinging pain on my left cheek. My mind went blank as I can only see nothing but the blurriness that my tears caused from the sudden impact that just happened right after I enter the front door of our house.

I’m not really sure what to do or what to feel. My whole body was just trembling in shock and fear as I tried to move my head slowly to look at the person in front of me and there, I saw my father with a very brooding look on his face.

He took a sharp step towards me and I flinched a little, afraid of being hit again. He looked at me in disgusts before he threw several rectangular shape paper right onto my face that caused the sharp end of it to graze on my face and left a small cut just right below my right eye.

 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING YONGSUN-AH??? HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIRL!!!" he shouted at me angrily and that just caught me off guard.

 

My heart stopped for a second as soon as I heard what my father said.

I already knew from the start that I couldn't really hide my relationship with Byulyi forever, but I never knew that my father would be able to find out about it before I could even get the courage to tell it to them personally.

I still couldn’t believe that this is really happening.

I instantly looked around trying to come up with an excuse but my eyes widened as soon as I saw that the rectangular shape paper that was now on the floor, was actually a picture of me & Byulyi together during on one of our dates. My mind went blank again.

Now, I'm not really sure how to respond to my father anymore for the evidence was pretty much very clear.

I was left speechless.

My biggest fear was now happening.

 

"A-appa... h-how did y-you..." is all that I could say before he started to shout at me again.

 

"SO IT IS TRUE!!! SEEING THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY DENYING IT MEANS THAT YOU'RE REALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS B*TCH!!! HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING UNACCPECTABLE LIKE THIS YONGSUN-AH!!! YOU'RE SUCH A DISGRACE IN THIS FAMILY!!! YOU BETTER END THIS NONSENSE NOW!!! YOU HEARD ME!!!" he said as he picked up a picture of me & Byulyi and he ripped it apart into small pieces before throwing it again on my face.

 

I have always been an obedient and filial daughter to my parents especially to my father. I always do what they wanted me to do without any questions asks for I have always believed that they know what’s really the best for me and that they really understand me more than I understand myself.

But right at this moment, I don’t think that they really understand and know what I really want.

 

I faced my father once again as I tried to swallow all my fears and for the first time in my life I will stand against my father’s order.

 

"I’m sorry appa, but I love Byulyi... I truly love her and I will not break up with her..." I bravely said as I tightly clenched my fists on both sides just to gain some strength.

 

"LOVE??? HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FATHER'S FACE!!! YOU'RE REALLY DESPICABLE AND DISGUSTING!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER!!! I'LL GIVE YOU A WEEK YONGSUN-AH!!! YOU BETTER BREAK UP WITH HER OR ELSE YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY ANYMORE!!! YOU UNDERSTAND!!!" he continued as he pushed me hard against the wall and punched a hole right into our family's portrait that was hanged on the left side of me before he eventually walked away.

 

As soon as he was out of sight my mother came running towards me and brought me into her embrace.

 

"Yongsun-ah! Are you okay? I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to protect you." My mother cried as she cupped my swollen red cheek. By this time, the courage that I had built up earlier vanished and all that was lingering around me again is fear.

 

"U-Umma... What s-should I do??" I said as I eventually fell on my knees as my whole body was still shaking up. This is not the first time I saw my father being like that.

Ever since I was a child, I have always seen him breakout in anger whenever he was not satisfied with what my mother was doing for him that's why I understand how afraid my mother was to get in between of us earlier. We both know that once my father started to get enraged, we cannot really do anything to stop him.

 

"Just do what your father tells you to do Yongsun-ah. You know that you're father is a very capable man and a man of his word. He will surely take the matter in his hand if you're not gonna do it yourself." she said as she wiped away my tears.

 

"But umma I don't want to... I don't want to break-up with Byulyi! I love her umma!!! P-please help me talk to appa." I desperately begged her.

 

But my mother just sighed and hugged me once again as she helped me to get up and supported me until we get into my room and when we got there I finally broke down and cried my heart out as much as I wanted to while thinking about what I should do.

 

 

*****

 

 

Days had passed and I knew my father was still asking someone to watch our every move. I couldn't tell to Byulyi that my parents already found out about our relationship because I'm afraid that it would only complicate things more. So I decided to just keep it all to myself hoping that I could somehow manage to change my father's mind all on my own but then, no matter how much I tried to pleased him or how much I begged for he's approval, he still firmly opposed to it.

So I decided to just move out of the house, cutting all my ties with them.

Although it was not easy.

For how many slaps, curses, and threats I have to endure before I eventually get to step out of the house. And as much as I don't want to leave my mother behind I have no choice but to do this.

 

Right now... Byulyi was all I could ever think of.

 

I went to my best friend, Irene, and asked her if I could stay with her in her house for now while I'm still trying to look for a place to stay and there I told her everything that happened. I told her not to tell anyone especially to Byulyi because I don't want her to worry and most especially I don't want her to blame herself for what happened to me.

 

After a week, I finally found a place to stay in but it was not really easy as I thought. Now I have to pay rents, electric bills and other living expenses that I never had before and what makes it worst was that I could no longer use any of my credit cards because my father deactivated all of them so now I have no choice but to work several part time jobs just to sustain my needs.

 

I started to work as a waitress in a small café for 3 days a week and sometimes I do some recordings for a demo songs from a small company that my professor introduced me to. I did all that behind Byulyi's knowledge and I’ve lived like that for 2 months beating up the stress from studying and working at the same time.

Although it was hard, having Byulyi by my side makes everything so easy. I could live this forever as long as I'm with her and she's beside me.

 

But then, when Byulyi's grandma was hospitalized, everything became harder. Not only physically but also financially. Byulyi was having a hard time paying for her halmoni's hospital fee. Her paychecks from her different part time jobs plus the money that I saved (although she doesn’t want to accept it at first) wasn't enough to pay for all the medications & treatments that needed to be done for her halmoni. It was really painful for me to see Byulyi working day & night and even missing out days in school just to earn extra money and also to take care of halmoni at the same time. I know how important Halmoni is to Byulyi for she was the only family that she have left and seeing her in the hospital being so weak makes Byulyi miserable.

So I tried everything that I can to help Byulyi just to lessen her burden. I started to do another part time job without Byulyi knowing. We also started taking turns in taking care of Halmoni even if that means that we have to travel from Seoul to Bucheon every day just to get some fresh clothes and foods that her grandmother like. Not that I’m complaining or anything, in fact, I also love Halmoni. I love her just like my real halmoni. She’s a very kind, sweet & funny old lady. I always learn a lot of things from her every time we came to visit her before in her house when she was still strong. Plus, she takes care of me just like how she takes care of Byulyi no more- no less.

That’s why, just like Byulyi… I will also do anything just to help her get better and also to see her being strong and healthy again.

 

But then… no matter what we do, it was still not enough to pay everything and worst, halmoni’s condition isn’t getting better. Until one day, Byulyi just told me that everything was already settled and was taken care of. I was confused for a moment when she told me that but when she excitedly showed me a white sheet of paper which looked like a contract not to mention a very familiar looking red signature stamp at the bottom right side of the paper, I was left in shock.

 

She happily waved the paper in front of me and said...

 

“I got a loan.”

 

After I heard that terrifying word, I instantly left in a hurry without looking back to Byulyi who was left confused as she kept on calling my name.

My heart was beating so fast as I went straight to my house and as soon as I got there, I went straight into my father’s office and I saw him holding the same looking paper as to what Byulyi was holding earlier. He was humming happily while holding a glass of wine with his other hand.

 

“Oh Yongsun-ah… my despicable daughter what brought you here? Have you finally come into your senses and figured out that I’m right all along?” my father said with a smirk on his face as he took a sip of his wine.

 

“Why did you do it appa?” I asked as I slowly walked towards him while eyeing the paper on his hand.

 

“Do what? Oh you mean this?” he waved the paper that I had my eye on as he chuckled by himself.

 

“It’s nothing princess, in fact, I’m just trying to help. I know that your so-called lover needs money for her sick grandma so I just ask Mr. Jang to offer her a loan and she took it right away so what’s the problem with that. Aren’t you proud to have a kind father like me?” he said as he smiled and swirled around the wine glass on his hand. I gripped the loose end of my shirt to calm myself down before talking again.

 

“I’ll pay for it appa so don’t do anything to Byulyi.”

 

“What do you mean you’ll pay for it? You’re not the one who took the loan and it was well written here in this contract that every single cent should be paid by the borrower plus, you know that our business doesn’t like to have a third party payee for it will just complicate things. You should know this more than anyone else Yongsun-ah.”

 

After he said that, I couldn’t help but to get reminded by how cruel & dirty my father’s business is like. He owns an illegal loaning company where they lend money with extremely high interest rates and if you can’t pay them the right amount at their given time period they will enforce repayment by blackmail or threats of violence and even violence itself. In other words, my father is a loan shark.

I’ve always hated our family’s business but I couldn’t really do anything to stop it that’s why I’ve always just turned a blind eye and looked at the other way while living my life normally as if I really don’t know what’s going on. I know that it’s wrong for me to do that but I just wanted to stay away from it as much as possible. I don’t like associating and involving myself to it that’s why I have never told anyone about it and more so, it was never really something to be proud of.

No one knows about my family’s business except for my best friend Irene.

 

“Please! Whatever you’re planning to do appa… Don’t do it. I’ll do whatever you want just don’t do anything to Byulyi and just leave her alone.” I begged on my knees as I put my head down.

 

“Well… let’s see… you said that you’ll do anything I want right? Well then, I want you to come back & stay with us again in this house and also end you’re relationship with that b*tch. Break up with her and never see nor talk to her ever again and I promise you that I will disregard this contract and I will leave her alone. I will also not ask her to pay anything not even a single cent.” My father said as he stood up from his chair and walked towards me as he bent down to my level to look straight into my eyes.

 

I knew it…

I already knew from the moment I saw his signature stamp on the contract Byulyi was holding, that he planned it all along.

I knew that he just took advantage of this situation just to make me break up with her because that’s all he ever wanted in the first place.

I knew that he did this just to put me in the corner where I couldn’t say no to anything that he will say.

But I still don’t want to believe it.