Late Night
Living LifeEarly in the morning, Jonghyun made his way back up to the dorms.
His sobbing had subsided, and he finally felt like he could go back.
Not wanting to wake Taemin up, Jonghyun laid down on the sofa and cradled his head against the fluffiest pillow they had.
Jonghyun sniffled his nose a bit and rose to go get himself a tissue from the kitchen. Only when he sat up to go get it, he remembered all that had happened prior and how his hopes of finding love had once again been crushed.
Jonghyun sank back down onto the coach and quietly started crying again, holding onto the pillow with all his might, hoping to release all of the strong feelings he was having. He just wanted to cleanse his mind and soul and pretend that he was okay.
Jonghyun reluctantly went to the kitchen and got himself a slice of chocolate cake leftover from some after party they'd held. He also grabbed a box of tissues and headed back over towards the living room.
He drove his fork into the depths of the layered dessert and plopped it ungracefully into his mouth.
Looking down at himself, Jonghyun saw that some frosting had made its way onto his jeans.
He furrowed his brows in thought of how he wished so dearly to go into Jinki's room and grab one of his oversized t-shirts to change into.
The sweet scent of his hyung, combined with the soft fabric against his bare skin made Jonghyun sigh and choke up another sob.
This time it was rather loud, but Jonghyun didn't care. All of the members were asleep and he was feeling depressed; he needed to cry.
The cake in his mouth worked to somewhat muffle the sounds of his heartbreak, but to a wide awake Jinki it was loud and blaring, filling his ears with guilt and regret.
Jinki slumped his tired body against his bedroom door and pressed his ear up against it. It was torturous hear, but at the same time he couldn't stop himself.
While listening intently to each and every cry and wail of the other, Jinki dreamt of going over to him and running his fingers through his smooth hair, his thumb across his soft cheek, and kissing his beautiful hands over and over again in plea of forgiveness.
After about an hour or so, the crying ceased and Jinki assumed the younger had fallen asleep. So he carefully opened his door and walked the few steps over to the coach where he saw the most beautiful man he'd ever laid eyes on fast asleep.
He gingerly knelt down, and took Jonghyun's hand in his own.
He'd always adored the younger's hands; they were so delicate and gentle, each knuckle like a smooth valley on a vast plain.
Cautiously, yet tenderly Jinki brushed his lips across his knuckles, before fully pressing his lips against the pale skin. Jinki kept them there for a few minutes, for every time he went to raise his head, his body willed him not to do so. A single tear fell down his face and dropped down on his hand. Jinki promptly kissed it away, whispering, "I won't cause you anymore tears, Jonghyun" before finally standing up and walking back to his room, but not without laying a soft blanket down on the other's small frame.
~~~
"Jinki." Jongyun said pushing himself into a seated position, looking at him with his deep brown gleaming eyes.
Jinki froze; he really wasn't anticipating Jonghyun to wake up. He thought he had been extremely quiet, but perhaps the kisses to his hand were too much.
"I'm sorry, Jonghyun. Did I wake you?" Jinki asks.
"I haven't gotten a of sleep all night, you moron. I don't sleep well under stress. I thought you knew me well enough to understand that." Jonghyun replied, crossing his arms and staring at the coffee table in front of him.
"I-I...yeah I am a moron. You're right. Look, Jonghyun I want you to know how sorry I am for what I said to you."
"You're sorry for what you said to me? God you can't even come out and say it. I feel like you're always dancing around words with me. I never know what's going on between us and it infuriates me, Jinki."
"I'm sorry, Jong. I don't mean to speak so ambiguously, but it's just that nothing makes sense in my mind right now. I know I shouldn't date you and that I'm not allowed to, but I also can't deny my feelings to myself. Feelings that have always been there no matter how many times I've bashed them down."
"...So you do have feelings for me then?" Jonghyun asked.
"Yes, of course I do. I always have." Jinki said, stepping forward to go and sit beside the man he was talking to.
"Always?"
"Yes, Jonghyun. Haven't you ever noticed how I take extra care for you, more than the other members? I've always prioritized you above anyone else, and although that makes me a bad leader...I don't know. I felt like it was the only thing I could do."
"Only thing you could do to what?"
"I guess...I don't know. When you were with Kibum I felt a lot more distanced from you, but I still felt like I had to take care of you. I even tried to make your schedule match up with Kibum's, so you'd be happy. I'm still quite proud of that to be honest. It made me feel like a good person I suppose. Not at all like how I feel now."
"I don't believe you're a bad person Jinki. Anyone who'd believe you're a bad person is a blind idiot. You're the kindest man I know, and I think you deserve to know that. But, when you said you didn't know if you trusted me earlier...that really hurt. You know I didn't cheat on Kibum right?"
"Of course, Jonghyun. I was the only one who took your side during the fight, remember?"
"Yeah I do....but then why don't you trust me?" Jonghyun asked. He turned his body to finally face Jinki, and the leader's heart sank when he saw the distraught look on the other's face.
"Jonghyun. It's not that I don't trust you. You're my best friend and we've known each other for almost ten years. I do trust you. An awful lot. But when you asked me that question, it was like our entire relationship flashed before my eyes. I thought of us being happy for a few weeks, all cute and lovey dovey. But then the paparazzi caught us and the company made us separate and- it hurt too much Jonghyun. To have you and then lose you." Tears started falling from Jinki's eyes and he quickly he rubbed them away, but new ones kept pouring down his face.
His hands were soon covered by smaller gentler ones, and Jinki swore his entire body warmed up at the light touches.
"It was just a dream though, Jinx. It doesn't mean anything. I think love is more important than anything. Bigger than the company, the paparazzi, and even our fans. I don't want us to not happen because of fear. Lack of trust I can understand, but fear? I won't accept that Jinki."
"So what are you saying?" Jinki asked.
"I want to give us a chance."
"So do I." Jinki said, placing his hand over the other's as it rests on his wet cheek.
"Let's go to bed, Jinki." Jonghyun said tugging the taller along with him.
"I'm exhausted and I demand rest." Jonghyun said while plopping himself onto the king sized mattress.
"You shouldn't sleep in such tight jeans." Jinki grins from across the room.
Rolling his eyes, Jonghyun slips off his jeans and walks over to Jinki's dresser. He opens the second drawer and scrambles around until he finds what he wants: Jinki's big soft pink shirt with the egg on it. Jonghyun always thought the other looked so endearing in it, and he wanted to feel that way too.
Jonghyun smiled for the first time in what felt like forever as he slipped off his uncomfortable jacket and put on the comfy oversized t shirt.
Crawling back into bed, Jonghyun tucked himself right beside Jinki, clinging onto his middle with his arm.
"Just for the record, I am still kinda mad at you. But I just really need cuddles right now." Jonghyun told the other matter-of-factly.
"Goodnight Jonghyun." Jinki whispered before placing the slightest of kisses on top of the smaller man's head.
"Goodnight Jinki" He said, tightening his grip on the other and entangling his legs in his, smiling to himself about how at home he felt in that moment.
Comments