Jinki was doing all he damn well could to get a decent night’s sleep but nothing seemed to be working. It was such a strange sensation for him since he normally slept like a rock, but ever since that morning Jonghyun had showed him that picture his nights were filled with staring up at dark ceilings, his covers, and lots of frustrated groaning. Thankfully he had a room to himself so he didn’t have to worry too much about waking the other members up.

Tonight was especially bad though because the group had to be on the road by five am, and it was already half past three and Jinki hadn’t gotten more than half an hour of rest. The day ahead laid various interviews, concerts, and an uncomfortably extended period of time with the source of his frustrations, Jonghyun.

At first Jinki had tried to keep things fairly normal between them: He still patted his back after concerts; made sure he drank tea for his voice, small things like that.

But once he noticed Jonghyun shrugging off his hand, and declining the steaming mugs Jinki figured he’d messed up too far past repair.

Since then, Jinki decided to just keep some distance from the other. At least while they were off-stage, because of course onstage they had to act like the close friends everyone knew them to be.

It hurt sometimes, to not be able to joke with the younger before a show like they usually did. It was something that helped calm Jinki’s nerves, but now that he wasn’t allowed that privilege he noticed how much more tense he was up under the bright lights. Despite all of his experience his worry would get the best of him and he found himself messing up more than he was used to.

The leader shrugged away those negative thoughts and focused on breathing deeply in and out. He was on his fifth consecutive breath when he heard something coming from the living room.

It sounded something like murmuring and Jinki thought that it must’ve been Jonghyun sleeping on the couch again. He knew that sometimes his insomnia medication made him talk in his sleep and Jinki also knew how badly the younger’s back had been lately with all the working out he’d been doing. Jinki’s eyebrows furrowed in the thought of Jonghyun sleeping on that wretched couch and straining his back even more, so he decided to be a responsible leader and go carry Jonghyun back to his bed. Surely that was just an act of kindness that Jonghyun wouldn’t mind right?

Jinki gently opened up his bedroom door and tiptoed outside and made the few steps to the living room only to find Jonghyun and Kibum whispering to each other in a rather close embrace that stirred something up inside the leader.

“Oh, hi Jinki.” Kibum articulated rather aggressively. Jinki was used to the man having a bit of attitude from time to time, but his seemed to be a whole other level that made him rather uncomfortable.

“Hey.” He croaked out in response attempting at a small smile to ease the tension.

“What’re you doing, Jinki?” Jonghyun asked gazing his big eyes up at him.

“Uhh just getting a midnight snack is all. You two should go to bed though, we have to be up in less than two hours.” Jinki said making his way over to the kitchen to grab a few cookies.

“Don’t tell us what to do.” Kibum spat out.

“What?” Jinki asked confusion written all over his features.

“Just go to bed, Jinki. We’ll see you in the morning.” Jonghyun sighed out making a rather deflated smile at the elder. 

Jinki quickly scampered off back into his room to seek refuge from that overwhelmingly confusing transaction.

What were Kibum and Jonghyun doing talking so late at night? And what was with Kibum’s rudeness towards him? Perhaps he found out about what happened with him and Jonghyun and he...what? Didn’t approve? Blamed Jinki? Was jealous? These questions flooded his mind for the remainder of the night before he eventually had to get up and prepare for the day. He hoped to get an explanation about last night, but also wasn’t quite sure if he really wanted one.

~~~

The attitude from Key and the closeness between him and Jong didn’t stop once the sun rose.

The two of them whispered like students telling gossip all day long and it was starting to drive Jinki crazy because he just knew it had something to do with him.

Jinki found his gaze drifting to Jonghyun throughout the day but he was never paying enough attention to ever look back, which was good because it meant Jinki didn’t get caught, but a small part of him ached for the other to just glance back one time.

Minho was normally the other person he confided in when Jonghyun wasn’t around, but he was off filming some drama for god knows how long leaving him pretty much alone.

He supposed he could always talk to Taemin, but the man already had so much pressure surrounding his approaching solo comeback and Jinki felt it would simply be too much for the boy to handle. He’d always considered him a role model to the youngest and bombarding him with all of his trivial problems just didn’t quite feel right.

~~~

Later that day Jinki, Taemin, and Jonghyun were to appear on a variety show together.

The car ride there was filled to the brim with awkward tension and without Kibum there to preoccupy Jonghyun the man felt at a loss for what to do with himself. He pulled out his phone and opened up a random game to get his mind off things. He needed to feel relaxed and at ease for the recording, since variety shows had always made him very anxious.

The van was eerily silent, something it almost never was by this time in the day when the members were awake and usually goofing off in between their schedules.

Taemin seemed to be replying to emails on his phone, and Jinki…well Jinki wasn’t doing much other than staring at Jonghyun. Or at least that’s how it felt, because of course he couldn’t look back and check. That would be giving Jinki too much undeserved attention.

Jonghyun softly coughed hoping to snap Jinki out of it, and thankfully it worked and the other jerked his head to the side to look out the window at the buildings zooming past them.

Twenty minutes later they made it to the studio, and were getting their hair and makeup done hurriedly before the show was to start.

From across the room, Jonghyun heard Jinki getting scolded for his acne and was being interrogated about his skincare regime only to be yelled at for how lacking it was.

Through the reflections in the mirrors Jonghyun watched as Jinki inhaled deeply and masked his feelings with a wide smile, assuring the makeup artists that he would take their words of advice and try to combat his acne better.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but have his heart sink a little, because although he was mad at the leader, he still cared about him and it hurt to see him have to endure such on a regular basis. Jonghyun knew how much Jinki tried to take good care of his skin; he was always drinking water, applying sunblock, and buying new facemasks to try out. The elder had always considered it a rather vain thing to put so much effort into, but he’d accepted long ago that it was just a part of this industry and he had no choice but to take part in it. The blonde was lucky that he’d been blessed with clear skin, and knew that Jinki was quite envious of that fact.

He yearned to go over and offer comforting words to the elder whom was now sulking in his chair humming to himself, but when he moved to get out of his chair, he retracted back not yet ready to face the other.

“Don’t listen to them, hyung. Your skin looks really good.” Taemin’s soft voice spoke out breaking the silence of their dressing room.

“Thanks, Taeminnie.” Jinki replied with a tight smile, before moving his head back down to stare at the ground once more.

Jonghyun was glad at least someone gave Jinki the comfort he needed.

~~~

Once the show had begun and the introductions had passed, the three men started singing the chorus from their new song. It was going fairly well, until Taemin’s voice cracked on his solo and they quickly wrapped it up.

Jinki knew it really wasn’t that big of a deal – nothing the company would really care about, but the look in Taemin’s eyes told him the boy felt differently.

During the commercial break, Jinki patted the maknae’s knee lightly and gave him what he hoped to be a comforting smile. Taemin smiled back, and it actually looked genuine to Jinki’s delight.

The rest of the recording flowed very smoothly, however when Jinki had to do a body gag for the camera he saw how forced Jonghyun’s laugh was and it hurt him to the core, even if it really shouldn’t have.  All of the members knew that he just did it for the fans to keep up with is “Onew condition” reputation, but he usually did manage to make Jonghyun actually laugh with how ridiculous he looked, so seeing the other look so unamused was deflating. 

~~~

Once the day was over, all of the members had decided to gather and watch a movie, since it’d been a while since they’d all spent leisurely time together.

Normally, the two eldest members would sit in the far corner of the couch so they could commentate throughout the whole film and not disturb the others, but today Jonghyun had chosen to sit on the floor beside Kibum so his head was almost where Jinki’s feet lay.

Jinki found it nearly impossible to actually pay attention as to what was going on in the movie, because he was much too distracted by the two chattering from below.

He merely sighed deeply and looked across the room to see Taemin and Minho snuggled up under a blanket as they usually did. It was already late into the night however, so Minho had fallen asleep on the younger’s shoulder after such a long day of filming his drama. Taemin looked awfully sleepy took, his eyes barely staying open.

Jinki didn’t want them staying there if the two were trying to sleep, in case the movie woke them, so he lightly tapped the two on their shoulders and whispered to them to go to their rooms and sleep properly.

Minho replied with some sort of grumble and the pair eventually made the trek to their respective bedrooms.

Not long after the realization hit Jinki that he was now in the living room with just Kibum, Jonghyun, and himself and to site the last time that occurred he knew he wasn’t in for a good time.

Jinki discreetly lowered the volume of the movie in hope to casually eavesdrop on Jonghyun and Kibum’s conversation.

However, his old man ears were failing him and he couldn’t make out anything of substance, so he gave up and succumbed to just watching the way Jonghyun’s lips moved as he spoke. His lips were so graceful and delicate; he couldn’t believe he had the privilege of touching them with his own. Of course that could never happen again, and it ached Jinki to not be able to remember the experience. It was almost painful; to have kissed Jonghyun, but not be able to recall the smoothness of his lips, the taste of his tongue, or how his fuller lips felt pressed against the other’s smaller ones.

Biting his lip, the elder looked back up at the television as to not be caught staring yet again by Jonghyun.

The little while later, the movie ended and the credits rolled before Kibum shut it off walked off to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Jinki’s heart beat faster knowing that him and Jonghyun were sharing a room alone together, but that ended soon when Jonghyun stood up to head to his own bedroom for the night.

“Wait- Jonghyun-ah.” Jinki softly spoke not even sure he wanted Jonghyun to hear him.

Jonghyun had indeed heard him though, and gracefully spun back in order to face the elder.

“What is it, Jinki?” His tone wasn’t rude or impatient, but rather exhausted by the mere action of asking the question.

“Look Jjong…I know I acted like a total jerk after you showed me that picture of us, and I’m sorry. You’ve probably figured this out on our own already but it was just a defensive measure. I guess I felt that if I cut off any emotional ties I had with you it would make it easier on the both of us to move on.” He confessed not being able to look Jonghyun in the eye.

“But why must we move on so immediately? Don’t you think it’s healthy for us to talk about it a little bit, Jinki?” Jonghyun questioned as made his way to sit down on the couch next to Jinki.

“I think for most people that’s the right thing to do. But…for us we really don’t have the luxury of having healthy romantic lives.”

“Why do you think that?” Jonghyun asked desperately.

“Because we work so hard we don’t even have time to sleep let alone love someone!” Jinki whispered out his deepest fear.

“I agree with you that it takes time to properly love someone. But don’t you think if it’s true love you can make that time?”

“I suppose you could try. I don’t know how well that’d work.” Jinki shrugged.

“Of course it could work, Jinki. That’s the power of love.” Jonghyun grinned genuinely.

“Why are you even asking me these things, Jonghyun?”

“Because you deserve to be happy Jinki, and I think a healthy romantic relationship could do you well.” He said patting his shoulder amiably.

“Well…you know the two of us can never happen.” Jinki uttered eyeing the floor and his fidgeting hands.

“Yeah I know Jinki. But still, give other people a chance will you? For me?”

It twisted Jinki’s gut when he replied, “Okay, for you.” But what else could he have said?

(A/N) I won't have access to the internet for the next two weeks so no updates *cries* I hope I survive wish me luck