Jongin fidgeted, picking at the purposefully frayed cuffs of his long, nickel gray coat sleeves. At this time, he wanted nothing more than to be swallowed up by the ground.

On the other hand, Yixing was in his element. His eyes were shining—one could argue that they were brighter than usual from the overhead reflective lights, but Jongin knew better—as he basked in the energy from the crowd of people attending the Fall/Winter shows of this year’s Seoul Fashion Week. The manager was dressed in a simple, striped jacket and matching long pants that were moss green—and absolutely hideous, in Jongin’s opinion.

The artist had instantly recoiled when Sehun had shown him and Yixing the available outfits from ChimChim’s collection that the two could wear to the event. While the gray pieces were marginally nicer and tolerable, the green outfits needed to be burned.

“Mine isn’t that bad,” Yixing said as he thoughtfully compared the two outfits that they had each decided on. “It’s simple and comfortable. I won’t stand out too much, but I won’t look under-dressed either. I’ll fit right in with everyone else at the show.”

“Why anyone would green-light such an unappealing color scheme is completely beyond me.” Jongin’s nose was turned up as he eyed the manager’s chosen outfit again. “Sehun, please tell me that the outfits you’re going to wear at the show tonight aren’t as ugly as these.”

Sehun laughed before saying, “Suji and I chose the best of the bunch as part of our contract with ChimChim. I don’t know why Donghae grabbed these outfits for you two, but I suppose he was in a rush. His fashion sense is usually much better than this.”

“Awful. Just awful,” the artist muttered darkly as he placed his new set of clothes in a protective plastic covering.

It was five minutes until the walk for ChimChim’s collection began and Jongin was becoming antsier by the second. Several people had already come up to him, expressing surprise at his attendance and asking who he had connections with. His palms grew sweatier and his face turned paler every time someone recognized him.

Luckily, Yixing jumped in and fielded away any intrusive questions upon noticing the artist’s growing discomfort with the unwelcome attention. Jongin wasn’t ready to face the world yet; he still felt like an impostor, and being around other creators and critics was magnifying the feeling by a hundred-fold. It was beginning to suffocate him and without his manager by his side, Jongin wouldn’t have been able to breathe from all of the pressure weighing him down.

If he hadn’t cherished his friendship with Sehun so much or cared about supporting his best friend at one of the few important events he participated in every year, there was no way the artist would have agreed to come to the event. Jongin felt so out of his element; being a recluse for over half a year had taken a toll on his ability to socialize and he dreaded having to go to the after-party that he and Yixing had been invited to as Sehun’s companions.

“Relax, Jongin,” Yixing murmured while placing a warm and comforting hand over the artist’s ice-cold ones that were tightly clasped together. “It’s Sehun’s big night. No one here is explicitly looking for you, so don’t psych yourself out. Everything isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. We’re here to support Sehun and make up for all of the previous shows that we missed while we were in Paris. This will be over in a few hours and then we’ll be at home.”

“Yeah…” His manager’s reassurances slightly helped, but the anxiety still gnawed away at his insides. Jongin sent his friend a wry smile, trying to mask his unease.

“Just hold out for a little longer, okay?”

“Okay.” The artist continued fidgeting in his seat, although much less now with Yixing’s left hand rhythmically rubbing circles on Jongin’s right thigh. His eyes darted everywhere as they briefly glanced over the muted shades that covered the room. Being here felt like being in a cage of gray; although people were wearing dazzling, colorful—and outlandish, as Jongin noticed while curling his bottom lip in disapproval—clothing, everything looked bland and dull.

It hadn’t dawned on the artist just how abysmal his color perception really was until this moment. Colors were the focal point of Seoul Fashion Week and every other fashion event that existed. If Jongin couldn’t see colors at one of the most multi-colored places in the world, what had he been ultimately reduced to? What future could he possibly have as an artist?

The thought was terrifying.

The lights finally began to dim, causing the crowd’s chatter to dissipate as the darkness grew. Jongin could finally hear the background music, which was an entrancing and eerie organ piece. The minor chords that played sent shivers down his spine and Yixing’s hand moved onto the artist’s knee, giving it a small squeeze in anticipation for the start of the show.

There were two screens at the front of the room and the loud clicking of numerous camera shutters filled the space. The audience was packed into rows on both the left and ride sides, and two rows of people were sitting faced away from each other in the middle of the room. Jongin and Yixing were sitting on the left side in the second row near the runway turn. They were also relatively close to the projector, which suddenly and began showing a holographic pair of closed doors on the screens.

The camera shutters began clicking even faster as the holographic doors slowly opened to reveal several silhouettes of Korean red pines being projected as the background during the walk. Seconds later, the room was lit with a warm amber glow as Sehun stepped from behind the left screen to open the show while dressed in his first outfit of the night.

Murmurs traveled around the room and lights flashed consistently as he began his walk down the runway. He wore an ash gray thermal jacket that had two zippers down the middle—Jongin thought the extra zipper was highly unnecessary, but he supposed it was for the symmetrical aesthetic—and shamrock green, triangle-shaped accents near the turned-up collar. Sehun’s left hand was sitting in its respective jacket pocket while his right hand was gloved in marengo gray. The tips of his fingers could be seen, since the glove only covered up to the second knuckle, and there were two thin strips of mint green starting from the thumb until the wrist to embellish the piece. His rain pants were also marengo gray, almost black, but the artist couldn’t be sure since he didn’t trust his color perception. Sehun’s black leather shoes made slight clacking noises against the wooden floor as he walked.

The outfit was relatively nice. Jongin had to admit that. But Sehun’s aura was much more eye-catching than what he wore.

Despite his completely stoic expression, the model walked with poise with his long right arm rhythmically swaying at his side. His shoulders were relaxed and there was no tension visible as he confidently strode down the runway. As his best friend reached the turn, Jongin caught a glimpse of short zippers decorating the upper section of the jacket sleeves. He couldn’t make eye contact with Sehun, since the model was controlling his gaze and only looking straight in front of him. So the artist settled back into his seat and watched as, ten seconds later, Suji appeared on the runway next.

She was dressed in an ash gray coat that was cinched tightly right above her small waist. Two laurel green, triangular fabric flaps were sewn at chest-level below the folded down coat collar. The ends of Suji’s long coat sleeves were billowy and almost completely covered her slim hands from view, pulsing around her wrists as she walked. She wore a pair of olive-speckled shorts over skintight, silver leggings that clung to her thin legs.

The outfit was simple and classy. Jongin quite liked it. However, Suji’s gray boots clacked loudly against the floor and the noise grated against the artist’s ears. He supposed it wasn’t necessarily her fault, since the boots most likely had heavy soles. But the racket still bothered him and the ten seconds until the next model made his way onto the runway couldn’t pass quickly enough.

But as soon as the other models began showcasing their outfits, Jongin began regretting that he had wished for Suji to leave the runway. The outfits were becoming more eccentric by the model and the artist’s head started to spin as he tried to wrap his mind around their conception. He couldn’t tell if the fashion designer had been completely serious when drawing out some of the outfits that were currently being exhibited to the audience.

Jongin almost snorted out loud when a male model walked out from behind the left screen while dressed in a marshmallow puffer jacket that was hanging off of his left shoulder, exposing a jungle green tank top underneath. While the model’s gray fleece pants were relatively ordinary, the weird combination of the puffy winter jacket and the thin tank top completely drew everyone’s attention.

The artist had no idea how this design had been conceptualized and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what the reasoning behind it was. It seemed too horrifying to imagine. Another male model wearing the outfit that Jongin currently was then took his place on the runway, but the artist couldn’t stop gaping at the strange marshmallow outfit until it finally left the runway.

And then Sehun appeared, wearing his second outfit of the collection. Jongin unconsciously let out a sigh of relief now that there was finally a break from all of the bizarre outfits that had been displayed in succession. The model was wearing a jade green sweater over an ash gray plaid shirt and slate gray jeans. White feathers that looked as if they were drifting in the wind were printed on the front of the sweater. It was a homely, casual outfit that Jongin wouldn’t mind wearing—if he had to—and its stark normalcy was oddly comforting.

After ten seconds, Suji walked forward in her next outfit. This one was probably the simplest outfit of the night so far. It was a gray-green, maxi blouson dress that was once again cinched at her waist. The airy sleeves reached her wrists and the cuffs were hemmed to fit tightly around the bottom of her hands. Her figure looked even more willowy than usual and the audience collectively sighed at how beautiful she looked in the dress. Jongin almost felt bad for the female model that walked in after Suji, because it was clear that everyone’s attention was still on her.

While he knew there would be unconventional designs at the fashion show, the artist didn’t realize just how many would be on display that night. Five models after Suji, a slim male model walked down the runway wearing Yixing’s outfit. It didn’t look any better on the model than it did on the manager and Jongin didn’t bother trying to hide his grimace as the model walked in front of them.

But then there were worse outfits. Much worse. One that stuck out particularly was that of a female model wearing a sheer myrtle green blouse that was lined with mottled gray fur on the right side and lace ribbons on the left side. Her jeans pants were also shortened to the thigh on her right leg and despite being repulsed by the unattractive outfit, Jongin couldn’t help but feel sorry for the model. He couldn’t imagine being given such an outfit and being told to showcase it as a fashion statement when it was a fashion disaster instead. The artist didn’t envy any of these poor models at all.

The number of bizarre outfits lessened—thankfully, since the artist didn’t know how many more eyesores he could take for the night—as time passed and when Suji appeared for the third time, Jongin knew the show was about to end. She and Sehun were the opening and closing models of ChimChim’s collection, and the artist was grateful that they were nearing the conclusion. His back was stiff from sitting for almost fifteen minutes straight without moving and the camera flashes were becoming progressively more annoying. As expected, the rate of clicking camera shutters increased drastically when Suji began walking down the runway for the last time that night.

She was now dressed in a thick, platinum-colored trench coat over a woolen fern green turtleneck that slightly covered the bottom of her pointed chin and a long pair of white pants. Thick straps were tied around her waist, over the third pair of buttons, and the coat itself was covered with slate gray crisscrosses. The pattern wasn’t quite plaid, but close enough to be mistaken for it. The coat reached her knees, but there were extra folds of fabric extending almost to her ankles. It was as if a cape had been sewn onto the back and the front ends of the fabric were folded back to hide the coat’s pockets, which Suji’s hands were placed in.

The outfit looked extremely heavy and Jongin wondered how she was faring, especially from the rising temperature now that it was finally April. Coupled with the body heat generated from the packed room of people, it couldn’t be easy to parade around in such thick winter clothing.

His thoughts were soon interrupted as ten seconds passed and Yixing also perked up in anticipation. To close the show, Sehun appeared one last time in his third and final outfit of the night. Like Suji’s last outfit, it was heavier and designed for the cold winter months. The jacket and dress pants were a matching ash gray color. The neatly folded collar of his forest green plaid shirt was peeking underneath the jacket, which had three pockets sewn onto it—two on the right side and one on the bottom left. Pine green buttons stood out against the light fabric, small pieces of which were layered on top of his shoulders and hanging from the collar.

While it wasn’t ugly, especially in comparison to the previous outfits that other models had worn during the show, Jongin once again thought that the excessive number of buttons and pieces of fabric accessorizing the jacket were completely unnecessary. But the audience didn’t seem to share his sentiments as they all murmured praises for the last outfit, remarking how stylish it looked on Sehun’s body as he finished his walk and vanished behind the right screen.

Then, after about ten seconds of nothing, all twenty-five models appeared from behind the left screen once more. Suji was at the front while Sehun brought up the rear. They were all holding thin white paper fans in their right hand and slowly waving them at different rates. While he knew it was customary for all of the models to walk one last time to conclude the show, the sudden onslaught of muted colors that he knew, in his heart, weren’t the same shades caused Jongin to strain his eyes as he neurotically scrutinized each and every article of clothing. The bright camera flashes didn’t help and only served to further skewer his perception, which aggravated the artist to no end.

About a minute later, after the long line of models walked down the runway and disappeared behind the right screen again, the projectors showcased the holographic doors closing for several seconds before opening once more. This time, it was designer Park Jimin, the man responsible for creating the ChimChim fashion brand, who stepped out from behind the left screen with a circular white light trained on him. He was wearing a long, fur-lined gray coat over an emerald green sweater and nickel gray skinny jeans with white gloves to complete his outfit. Jongin frowned at the atrocious color combination and Park Jimin’s theatrical bow to the audience. The fashion designer flashed a wide, blinding grin after bowing and the camera shutters clicked at an almost unrealistically high-speed rate. He held up his gloved hands to wave at the audience, basking in the spotlight, before slowly stepping behind the screen to signal the end of the show.

Applause rang throughout the room and Yixing bounced in his seat while clapping excitedly. “Wasn’t that great, Jongin?”

The artist only sighed in response, feeling the beginnings of a migraine from staring too hard at all of the outfits to try and decipher what shades they were. As expected, he had been unsuccessful; everything had looked gray.

This was the last show of the day, so once the overhead lights were powered back on, people began standing up from their seats and chatting animatedly with each other as they discussed the highlights of ChimChim’s collection this season. Jongin could hear Sehun’s name mentioned several times as he stood up as well and, despite his fatigue, his chest bubbled with pride, knowing that his best friend’s innate charisma and talent at modeling were being recognized.

Yixing stretched his arms, which were stiff from holding up his DSLR camera for fifteen minutes straight to record the show. “Ooh, I’m really feeling the pins and needles right now,” he commented as he gingerly lowered his arms down to his sides.

“Why did you even record the whole thing?” the artist asked while furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “Sehun was the only one worth filming and he showed up for a minute overall out of the entire show.”

The manager looked at Jongin reproachfully as he carefully capped the camera lens. “It’s not like we knew exactly when Sehun was going to appear. Besides, Jongdae asked me to film the show for him.”

“Jongdae?” The artist stared at his friend incredulously.

Yixing sighed as he replied in an exhausted tone, “Yes, Jongdae. Your older brother, Jongdae, in case you were wondering which Jongdae I was talking about.”

Jongin scowled. “Why does he need footage of a fashion show?”

While wrapping a hand around the camera strap and pulling it over his head so that the DSLR camera was no longer hanging from his neck, the manager answered, “He didn’t mention why. He just asked me if I could do the favor for him before we left the house earlier.” Yixing then placed the camera in its case and slung it across his chest.

“Tch, he can find plenty of videos of the show online in a few weeks. And since when was he interested in fashion?”

“It really doesn’t matter, Jongin. He asked me for a favor. I said yes. I can ask him why he wanted me to film the show for him when we return home tonight, but it’s not important right now.” Yixing massaged his temples tiredly and the artist decided it wasn’t worth pursuing the matter.

Besides, who cared what Jongdae did or wanted?

Jongin certainly didn’t.

Instead, the artist sourly thought about how crowded the room was as people were slowly filing out. He and Yixing were supposed to meet Sehun in his waiting room before going with him and Donghae to the after-party that was scheduled. Jongin wished he could skip the party, especially since his head was pounding even more as the din in the room grew louder by the second. He wasn’t in any mood to socialize with anyone.

But he had promised to go with Sehun, knowing that his best friend hated these social gatherings as much as the artist did. He couldn’t flake tonight. After all, who else would the model complain to about how boring and unnecessary all of the pomp surrounding Seoul Fashion Week was? Who else would nod in agreement whenever Sehun rolled his eyes after another desperate fashion designer praised him to the moon and back in hopes of persuading the model to sign an exclusive contract?

As much as he wanted to miss the after-party, Jongin couldn’t leave his best friend to face the superficiality of the fashion world by himself.

So he stayed close to Yixing, slightly gripping the manager’s jacket sleeve so as not to lose the shorter male, as they maneuvered through the dense crowd. And when they finally made it to the spacious hallway, Jongin let out a deep breath that he hadn’t realized he had been holding for several seconds.

“Sehun’s room is just a few turns away,” Yixing said while consulting a map that Donghae had given them when they had arrived at the venue about an hour earlier. “Ready to go?”

Honestly, he wasn’t, but there was no point in saying so. “Yeah, let’s go.”

--

Upon arriving at the glamorous venue for the after-party, the first person that came up to the group of four was none other than Park Jimin.

“Sehun!” he called with his arms outstretched.

“Hello, Jimin,” Sehun greeted with a small smile as he lightly embraced the fashion designer.

“You were wonderful tonight, as always. I have about a dozen vendors already lined up to sign contracts with and they all mentioned how eye-catching you were on the runway,” Jimin gushed without a pause. His gaze then alighted on Jongin, who was flanked by Yixing and Donghae as the three of them stood slightly behind the model, and his eyes and mouth widened with surprise. “Are you…Kim Jongin, the famous artist?”

“Yes…”

Park Jimin suddenly stepped back to bow deeply, his body nearly folding completely in half, before rising and saying, “What an absolute honor to meet you today, Mr. Kim! When Sehun told me that he had some friends coming to the show, I had no idea you would be one of them!”

Jongin sent the fashion designer a tight-lipped smile as he scratched the back of his neck.

Not noticing the lack of verbal response, Park Jimin scanned the artist’s tall frame and then beamed with satisfaction. “You look utterly magnificent in my clothes, Mr. Kim! Why, you should consider joining Sehun on the runway. You’d fit right in and just imagine all of the love calls coming your way!”

“I… I’m quite fine without that…” Jongin answered, wincing at the thought of being put on display like a mannequin for people to ogle at.

“No, really, it’s such a shame that you aren’t modeling as well,” the fashion designer continued insistently as he leaned forward to inspect Jongin even further. “Mr. Lee, you’d best sign Mr. Kim here as a model before the next Spring/Summer show. The two of them as lead models would be fantastic!”

Donghae bobbed his head up and down in agreement while sending quick glances to Jongin, silently letting the artist know he wouldn’t actually try to do that. “Well, Mr. Park, it was—” the scout began in an attempt to change the subject, but Park Jimin cut him off upon seeing Yixing dressed in his clothing as well.

“Such a shame that you’re a bit on the short side,” Jimin commented while looking over the manager, who was at a loss for words. “Otherwise, I’d quite enjoy dressing you up as well. And you are?”

“Zhang Yixing,” he answered seconds later after finding his voice, which was tinged with surprise. “I work as Kim Jongin’s manager.”

Park Jimin pressed a rectangular, mint cream-colored business card into Yixing’s hand while saying enthusiastically, “Please do give me a call to arrange some collaborative work when you can!” He then swung around to face Jongin again while throwing his arms out in excitement. “Imagine a collection borne out of our artistic visions combined! We’d make history!”

“Yeah…” But the artist could only think about how vastly different the two creators were. While Park Jimin was overflowing with ideas and itching to create, Jongin was empty and without a muse. Even if he did want to collaborate with the fashion designer, nothing good would come out of the project. Jongin would only be bringing Park Jimin down with him into the spiral of nothingness that held him by the ankles.

Sehun could see that his best friend was becoming extremely uncomfortable as the seconds passed, so he placed his left hand on the fashion designer’s shoulder and used his right hand to gesture to a group of three other designers who were speaking to each other. “We haven’t greeted them yet, Jimin. We should do so now, in case they leave before we can.”

“Ah, yes, everyone has been looking for you since the party started, Sehun. Well, I’m afraid our time together has come to an end for the night. It was a pleasure to finally meet you, Mr. Kim!” Jimin said with another deep and dramatic bow, sweeping his right arm in front of him and his left arm to the side. “And you as well, Mr. Zhang!”

“The pleasure is ours,” the manager answered graciously while Jongin sent the fashion designer a lopsided smile.

“We’ll be back in a bit,” Sehun said, winking at his best friend, and Donghae grinned in reassurance at the pair. “So, Jimin, have you seen Suji yet tonight? She told me she’d come to the party with some other people from the agency and…” The model’s voice faded away as he, Donghae, and Park Jimin made their way towards the other three fashion designers.

Once the three men were gone, Yixing turned to the artist and said, “I’m going to use the restroom. I’ll be gone for just a moment.”

“Go for it. I’ll be waiting right here.”

The manager nodded as he quickly walked away, soon disappearing into the crowd.

Now that he was alone, Jongin realized how surrounded he was by talent and everything about his own self felt genuinely fake in comparison. It was as if everyone around him would be able to see right through him if they chose to look—really look—at him. And then they’d know how empty he really was. They’d know how much of a failure he was to the art world.

He kept his head down and meandered over to the long, rectangular refreshment tables at the side. Although he wasn’t hungry, the artist picked up a paper plate and began piling tiny tea sandwiches on top. He nibbled on one as he loitered at the end of the rightmost table, stepping aside whenever people walked over to grab refreshments for themselves. Most were too engrossed in conversation to notice him, which Jongin preferred. The less people who talked to him, the less likely they’d badger him about his period of solitude.

Minutes passed and Yixing still had yet to return. While the ballroom was quite large and packed with people, the artist didn’t think it would be that difficult to find a nearby restroom. Sehun and Donghae were still occupied with speaking to several fashion designers; the crowd around the two had grown exponentially and if it weren’t for the model’s impressive height, Jongin would have lost sight of his best friend already. Donghae was positively beaming while a half-smile was plastered on Sehun’s chiseled face.

Even though the model looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but where he currently was, there was still a brilliant aura that surrounded the group. The eager fashion designers were all radiating and Jongin felt his chest clench with envy at how hopeful they seemed. They all had such bright futures awaiting them while he…had nothing but gray.

The artist was suddenly jolted out of his thoughts upon hearing a polite cough.

“Would you like a glass, sir?” a waiter offered, holding out a metal tray topped with a dozen wine glasses.

The red liquid in the clear glass looked so inviting. It was as if the heavens had heard his silent, implicit prayers for something to take him out of his current misery. Being surrounded by so many bright-eyed, talented creators was so demoralizing and accentuated how much of a failure the artist was right now.

He was washed-up old news.

There was no point in even trying anymore.

Other people could take the reins and lead the new generation of artists to much greater heights than he ever could.

So he let himself go for tonight, despite knowing the consequences that would ensue.

And after that first tantalizing sip, Jongin’s walls came crashing down as he began to drown.

♈♈♈

A/N: It's been a week since the passing of someone very special to the world. I apologize that this chapter ended on such a downer as well. It was difficult to finish writing and it should have been published last week. However, it didn't feel right for me to work on such an emotionally sensitive piece due to the circumstances. But I spent all of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day working on this to gift to you all, even though I'm late by a few hours.

Jonghyun was someone who greatly impacted my life and many others. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be a fan of SHINee and I wouldn't be on AFF. I would have never followed K-Pop for so many years without him. He will always live on in our hearts and his music is here for eternity. I am so grateful that I lived in the same time period that he did. I am so grateful that I got to see him perform live with SHINee as five one last time. I am so grateful for everything that he stood for and contributed to the world. He worked hard. He did well.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Remember that you are never alone. There is always light reaching out for you, even when the darkness seems to be swallowing you whole. Spend time with your loved ones and do what makes you happy. Above everything else, your happiness and well-being are most important. My inbox is always open if you'd like to chat privately and I respond to all comments, so we can talk there as well. Know that you are loved. I am always here to support you. And thank you for the love you've given me and this story.