:||: Title: 3/5 :||:

I’ve seen some titles that were similar to this one. It’s easy to remember but it’s a bit plain. Nevertheless, it did catch my attention.

:||: Description/Foreword: 3/10 :||:

First of all, your foreword and description should be swapped around! Description is the plot of your fanfic. It’s like the blurb at the back of the book which attracts readers to read it. The foreword is for quotes, prologues and author notes.

I assume that “Her vision looks blurry until she saw him..”is your description for now.

It’s too short and too boring. Short descriptions work if it’s written well, but your one isn’t. That sentence will confuse readers! It doesn’t have any insight to plot (that’s a good thing though) but it just doesn’t attract readers. Stick to one size please, it hurts the eyes and it’s messy.

It should be: (I’ve bolded the parts that I’ve changed)
Her vision looked blurry, until she saw him…

Tenses are important! Stick to one! I know it’s troublesome and confusing, but it makes your sentence a lot easier to read and understand. Second, you’ve got a choice of a full stop or a ellipsis, not two dots.

Honestly, it didn’t attract me to start the fanfic. I suggest you swap the foreword with the description and lengthen that sentence! One paragraph on what your fanfic’s about wouldn’t hurt, right?

:||: Story Flow: 15/20 :||:

The pace was just right. It wasn’t slow or fast, which is really hard to do so well done to you! It didn’t confuse me (the flow).

:||: Character Development: 5/15 :||:

There wasn’t any character development. The characters were too boring. You should try to give them more actions, feelings and thoughts. It will make your characters realistic and believable.

:||: Formal Language: 4/15 :||:

You really need work on your formal language. I’ll point out the main problems.
Yours:
~Boom, Boom, Boom~
  The music from STAMP's pratice room were getting louder as Soo Yong was practising her dance move before their comeback soon..

Should be:
The music from STAMP's practice room were getting louder as Soo Young practiced her dance moves to get ready for their long awaited comeback soon.

As you can see, I’ve deleted some things and changed the sentence. One thing you should remember is never use sound effects! You also spelt your main character’s name wrong. It’s childish and unprofessional. Second of all, pratice is not a word. If you are unsure, use the spell check! It is amazing. You could use a dictionary too. The typo isn’t big because you probably forgot to add the extra c? Because we writers may never catch small typos while typing, ask someone to go through your chapter! They can catch mistakes like this and tell you.

You tend to end sentences with two dots or nothing at all. Bad habit, you need to end sentences with full stops or ellipsis when necessary!

Yours:
Ya!!,Yo seobie??, isn't today is Soo Young's birthday?? asked Doo joon to Yo Seob

Should be:
“Yoseobbie? Isn’t today Soo Young’s birthday?” Doojoon asked Yoseob.

Try not to use “yah” (it’s yah, not ya) when writing. I admit, I’m ashamed of doing that too. Even though people say it a lot in dramas, it’s considered rude in Korea. Just saying. You only need one !/? If my fanfic was like:

“Oh. Hello Woohyun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Who are you??????”

No one would read it. Only use one question mark/one exclamation mark/full stop.

The is between today and Soo is unnecessary. Doo joon is wrong! It’s a name, so it needs to be a capital! Depends what you like, it should be Doo Joon or Doojoon. You need a full stop after Yoseob because you are ending a sentence. You also need speech marks when someone is talking!

Yours:
"I remember it..but I wanted it to be a surprise to SooYoung", Yo Seob said with a mischivious face

Oppa!!! Other STAMP members, Hyun Ae, Hyun Ok, Mi Cha, Chin Sun and Nee Chul greets The Beast members..

Should be:
“I remembered. But I wanted it to be a surprise to Soo Young!” Yoseob said with a mischievous face.

“Oppa!” The STAMP members greeted the Beast members. STAMP consisted of Hyun Ae, Hyun Ok, Mi Cha, Chin Sun and Nee Chul.

I’ve already covered the stuff you need to fix before. Spelling, tenses, grammar and vocabulary is very important. Out of curiosity, the names of the STAMP girls are made up, right?

When using Korean words, make sure you spell them correctly. Mianeh is not a word. It should be mianhae instead.

:||: Originality: 12/15 :||:

It was cute for a short story. It wasn’t entirely cliché, well done! Finally a fanfic that doesn’t have an overused plot, hooray!

:||: Overall Enjoyment: 12/20 :||:

To be very honest with you, this fanfic lacked many things. The formal language is horrible, but keep on writing and writing! You will see your improvement so don’t let this review let you down. One thing that made me enjoy this fanfic was the originality. Yes, it’s not 100% original but I love how it’s not cliché like many fanfics out there in the AFF world.

:||: Comment :||:

It was really cute, like seriously.I wish I have boyfriend like Yoseob, but that would never happen. Your formal language let me down, so keep on working on that. English is a confusing language with all sorts of weird stuff so I understand you. Just keep on practicing, okay? You will be writing like a professional in no time!

Well, I hope this review helped you in a way! If you have any concerns/discussions, feel free to comment below or PM me! Hwaiting on your future fanfics!

-          My-flaming-charisma

Overall Score:
54/100