L.S.: … IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME, I’M SORRY!

Disclaimer: I don’t own real people, really.

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It was difficult getting out of bed, it was difficult getting yourself ready and it was monumentally difficult walking out of your dorm.

Those first steps out onto the cement were frightening; you stared at the door to the outside with a tensed jaw and wide eyes, your heart pounding in your ears as thoughts flew through your head. What if you ran into someone? What if you ran into Jonghyun or, worse, Minho? Chances of the former were slim, you’d rationalized, since news of his… relationship just broke and… from what Onew told you, Minho is in a similar state to you…

Before you’d given it much more thought--any more reasons to give that would make you stay--you strode with heavy steps straight out of the door and onto the pavement.

You to the sidewalk much faster than intended, almost knocking a young man over but never once turning to look back at him as you continued forward passed the people on the street. You found yourself staring at every person you passed, focusing on their faces as they passed you by casually. Not a single person spared you a second glance, not even a lingering stare; no one seemed to even acknowledge your existence. Each person’s face was twisted into some kind of peaceful limbo between tense and comfortable, looking past as they strode beyond you. You recall in that moment being told once--by someone, you no longer remember who--that anonymity was like a poison, it settled into your body and nursed your loneliness before mutating it into something painful and venomous; something that ate away at you. As people walked passed you, as you glided past them, you couldn’t understand what they were talking about. It was next to all of these people that you felt alone--yes, alone--but you didn’t feel lonely.

People feel the loneliest when surrounded by people, isn’t that what you’d heard? But you felt almost a tense sense of calm around all of these emotionally faceless people, some sort of vague sense of comfort. You strode beyond some and they passed you, their minds in other places but their bodies lingering to keep you company. You could acknowledge one of them if you wanted, and they could you. Wasn’t that the point? You’re with others but you’re still alone, all of these people who have no knowledge of you or even the slightest wonder of who you are--no reason to expect anything of you. And they had the same comfort in you. You pass by them, you provide them with someone to fill the empty spaces while they remained alone in their head.

No, you weren’t lonely--you were surrounded by people on this sidewalk--but you were alone in the most surreal of senses.

You’d been walking along steadily before you’d began noticing a thinning of buildings and an increase in trees, greenery of all kinds. It took you a few moments to realize that you’d walked out of the industry at some point, never having noticed all the while. You glanced to your right casually, slowing down to a crawl upon noticing the park you’d come up to. Benches littered the winding concrete that wove in through the fields of green, people jogging or biking or strolling across the pavement as they saw fit. You stopped abruptly, eyes flittering across the area in interest before you turned your heel and walked out onto the grass. Off to your side you saw what was obviously a bridge, a small river dividing the park down the middle and adding a sereneness to the park.

You moved your head left and right in a leisurely manner, taking notice of the lack of people walking around. You found yourself back onto the concrete of the park’s sidewalk before moving passed it and towards the river, moving passed trees as the thrum of human life fades slowly in your ears. You were aware of the life still buzzing around you, the women chatting to each other as they jogged together or the children cooing in the strollers as they rode along with their families; but, all of those noises faded as you neared the bank of the river and stared into it.

You liked water, you swam a lot as a kid and took baths probably until you were damn near 13; water calmed you, it placated you. At this thought, you immediately plopped down onto the grass as you stared at the water rushing passed, it provided you with a similar feeling as you had walking with all of those people. You were alone, but you didn’t feel lonely, not here. The water was talking to you, you could feel it--it was questioning you, probing through the crap that was your emotions to ask the true question.

What are you going to do now?

You pursed your lips as this question formed in your mind, immediately the discomfort set in and you really didn’t want to sit anymore. You stood up awkwardly, backing away from the river like it was a threat--and it was. It was threatening your precarious emotions, threatening to break the tiny hold you had on them. It was unrelenting, no matter how much you wanted to look away, it was like you couldn’t. It was like the answers were drowning in the water there, like you were being urged to save them. But you didn’t want to… you wanted to ignore them.

“Can’t I just forget about all of this?” Your voice surprised you, it was quiet but seemed piercingly loud at the same time, it cut through the silence you’d locked yourself in. Suddenly, the noises of the world flooded your ears and pounded at your brain violently, drawing you back and out of whatever reverie you’d put yourself in. You could feel the tears begin to sting but they didn’t threaten to spill from behind the veil of your eyes; they just stung.

“I don’t want to do this… I want a break…” You looked away from the water finally, for the first time in what seemed like forever, and your eyes bore into the grass beneath your feet. Your body began b with feeling, like you were anxious and antsy and surging with some kind of tense energy, thoughts trying to bombard you as you stood there in an attempt to run away again. Why is everything against you having a damn moment to yourself? You can’t think about anything, you don’t have time, you don’t have time to even think about who you are anymore.

Your eyes flicker up to the water, watching as the light shone off of it’s surface and it moved elegantly from side to side. It was perfect in that moment, like time had been suspended and everything was wonderful, you were wonderful. There was no Jonghyun, no Sekyung, nothing. A small smile crept onto your lips before your body seemed to act of it’s own accord.

You bolted from your place in front of the river before leaping off of the embankment into the water below.

You opened your eyes under the water, watching the current as it moved passed you, the coldness sinking in through your skin so deeply that it hurt. You could see wisps of your hair moving around fluidly as you smiled, twisting your head around beneath the surface as you swung your arms around trying to stay underneath. Your lungs ached as you spun around in the water, opening your mouth in a laugh before water rushed in and swept the small amount of oxygen out of your chest. You thrashed around for a moment before you managed to wave your arms around enough to break the surface, air rushing into your lungs as you look up to the sky. You let a laugh escape you as you spun your body around in the water, giggling as you forced yourself to swim back to the edge. You climbed out of the water and, before fully emerging, you peeked your head back up over the embankment to see if anyone had seen you. Luckily, it seems your whimsical indiscretion had gone unnoticed for the most part.

You smile to yourself once more before dragging yourself out of the river, not enjoying the added weight that the water provided. You managed to pull yourself back onto the grass before you flipped yourself on your back, staring up at the sky with a smile. This moment was amazing, beautiful even. When was the last time you’d done something impulsive and brash like that? Well, since you couldn’t really remember the last time, you assume it’s been a while. You closed your eyes against the alluring burn of the sun, your mind running away with you. Being a trainee under SM was hard, you didn’t ever have time for much except for vocal training, dance lessons, image training, language classes and the like. Your time was monopolized, you quickly assessed, and you weren’t allowed to be much other than the idol you were striving to be.

You were losing yourself, what you still had of yourself… whatever part of you that you still had, whatever part of you wasn’t changed in loving Jonghyun.

There wasn’t much you were sure of anymore.

“Umm, are you alright?” You kept your eyes closed as the voice of a soft, concerned female hit your ears; you turned your face in the direction of the sound, nodding lightly.

“I’m alright, just having a moment.” Silence greeted you, nothing but the mixed breathing of you and the other woman coupled with a faint sounds of life occurring somewhere off from where you were.

“You’re… [Your Name]… aren’t you?” These words prompted your eyes to snap open and for you to come face to face with the one person you didn’t even realized that you didn’t want to see.

Shin Sekyung.

Air was swiftly caught in your throat and you almost felt like you’d forgotten how to breathe; Sekyung had an awkward smile laced over her beautiful face, obviously concerned and uncomfortable all at the same time.

“S-Sekyung?” The woman let out a sigh of relief as you sat yourself up, hair still stuck to your face and drenched clothes making it nearly impossible for you to move.

“I’m glad I guess right, I didn’t recognize you with…” She looked down at you, taking note of your sullen and soaked appearance. “Your whole body soaked.” You could feel your face heat up, both from embarrassment and humiliation, before clearing your throat and looking away from her.

“I didn’t think you even knew who I was, I didn’t think we’d met before.” You hadn’t, you’d never met her before.

“We haven’t, Jonghyun talks about you.”

Just like that, it was like she’d driven a stake into your heart and twisted it; you grimaced against the pain and felt contentment in staring down at your pants.

“Does he?” You attempted to sound aloof, to sound something akin to nonchalant, but you’re fairly certain that there was a twinge of agony in your voice that you couldn’t scrub away. Since you weren’t looking at her, you couldn’t see if Sekyung was able to tell.

“Yes, often, actually; he says you’re his best friend.” You held back the small groan of pain that attempt to come out of your throat, just barely. This was… this was more than you could take.

“I guess I am.” You attempted to stand up, looking rather off kilter and silly as you dragged yourself to your feet. “I… need to go home, I’m sorry we met had to meet like thi--”

“No! Wait!” You hadn’t realized that you’d already turned to bolt in another direction until Sekyung’s voice stopped your muscles from moving entirely. “I… I actually was… I just wanted… I saw you walking down the street.”

You turned your head to the woman behind you, her head downcast and her entire form rigid; it was in this moment that you could truly see the ethereal beauty that radiated off of her like the sun. It was alluring, her beauty, but it burned slightly, blinded you.

Jealousy gnawed harshly at the corners of your heart.

“And I noticed you right away, Jonghyun has so many pictures of you on his phone, he always talked about you, how important you were to him.” Tears began stinging the corners of your eyes again, a scowl setting deep onto your features because of the nausea that you were trying to hold back. “I’d never gotten to meet you, see you, and I found that I wanted nothing more. If someone was that important to him, then I wanted them… to be that important to me too.”

What she didn’t know was that he didn’t care… you weren’t important, not as important as you or she thought you were.

“I wanted to talk to you, or something… I’m not sure what I thought I was going to do when I caught up to you. So… I just stayed back… and followed you. But, when you got to the embankment…” She trails off, her eyes looking towards the sidewalk just a few years off, hidden behind the expanse of trees. “I stepped back, I thought you wanted to be alone but… but… you looked so sad. And when you jumped… into the water… I was so afraid, I ran up to the edge just as you came back up…

“And… you were laughing, happy, it was like the water washed away all of the sadness you’d been drowning in, and I found that… you were just as beautiful and alive as Jonghyun always said you were.”

You weren’t sure what to do in this moment, every part of you hated her; hated her cascading, delicate hair; hated her lithe, strong body; and, most of all, her kind, gentle, radiant face.

You hated every part of her but… you felt guilty about it too, because all she wanted… was to cared about something that Jonghyun cared about.

But you wanted nothing to do with her.

“I understand that you want to be alone.” You managed to focus on her face, watching as the light hit her eyes and the corners of produce a perfect smile. “But… I would like us… to get to know each other, I want to see what Jonghyun sees. If… that’s okay with you.”

She smiled but you could see it, the fear of rejection in her eyes; she wanted to breach the gap, help bridge Jonghyun’s life and her life.

You wanted to yell at her, tell her you hated her, tell her you wanted her dead.

But, you couldn’t. You couldn’t look at that face; look into those innocent, caring eyes and say those cruel words.

You’d might as well be a monster.

“I….” Sekyung perked up at hearing your voice, her eyes wide and her lips slightly parted. “I… I need to… to get back to you… I… I can’t… I can’t…” Tears continued to pierce the back of your eyes, you could hear the sobs coming through in your voice.

And, just like that, it appeared that Sekyung began to understand.

“Oh… okay…” Sadness roared through her eyes as she looked down, shifting uncomfortably. “Well, I hope… one day… we can… be friends.” You pursed your lips together, watching as Sekyung gave you a world shattering smile and paced back towards the sidewalk, her head down and hand up to .

Tears ran silently down your face as she walked off, your heart beating angrily as you watched her head tilt back once, only once, before she began stalking forward with uneven steps.

You hated her. You hated her. You hated her.

Then why did you feel so guilty about shunning her?

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L.S.: I’M SORRY THIS CHAPTER TOOK SO LONG ; A;