False Fantasy - KellySeumilli

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False Fantasy
story by KellySeumilli
Excerpt:

They lying dead on the ground. He flying few meters up to ground. His whip hanged in his hand blood dropping from it. My eyes went wide. I was in shock. The glass I had in my hand fell out of window and broke on peaces under. Sound of breaking glass woke me up from freeze and also pointed on me. Pretty man turned his head to my side and I saw his face right before I hid myself under window. ! He'll kill me, he really will! What should I do? I stayed hidden praying he'll not see me. I was really really scared.

Then I heard moving wings and I froze for a moment but I hurried to hid under table to the dark corner. It was just your imagination! You didn't see me! I prayed shaking in shock. What the actual hell! That sound was really close to my window. No no no! He wouldn't hurt innocent human, would he? But I saw what happened, what if he'll kill m-

"I know you can hear me," I heard melodic voice coming from my window. "If you tell anyone what you saw tonight I'll kill you. I'm sure you're aware of it." I heard deep breath and placed my hand on my mouth trying to not make any sound. "Take it as your lucky night that I'll leave you alive. But remember, you didn't saw and heard anything or I'll find you," and winged man left.

Critique Discussion:
veelah
veelah veelah
#1
*looks at excerpt* o.O I actually have to work this time?
 
goldfish
ann1914 goldfish ann
#2
I just read the excerpt too and all I had in my head was 'Good luck with the recording, vee.' lol.
 
veelah
veelah veelah
#3
Lucky you, goldfish... lucky you.
 
Grey
Topu-Da Grey
#4

Here's my rant and it's not the English, it's the pace. I gave up after 2 chapters because I couldn't understand anything. I literally couldn't understand anything.

The end of rant.

 

veelah
veelah veelah
#5
lol was gonna say... it's not in English? Are you saying the pacing is slow and it feels like the story has no point?
 
goldfish
ann1914 goldfish ann
#6

Ah, a non-rated story! I can finally give feedback. ;__;

To be honest, I only understood what your prologue meant after reading the first chapter (and continuing a bit to the third chapter). I'm still not quite sure who the 'you' the prologue is referring to though. I actually found the first part of chapter 1 to be interesting with the 'winged man' and how he had a distinct aura but at the same time had a tinge of elegance in him as a higher ranking species (until he practically destroyed those werewolves and vampires(?) which I'm not so sure how he handled the situation because the readers couldn't 'see' the action). Your wording for that part though by describing him as pretty man to pretty crazy man and then to pretty scary man was a nice touch, haha. Whoa, that must have been a pretty good sketch for the others to give a reaction like that upon seeing Jackson for the first time. The ending for the first chapter was quite predictable to me. However, it's how you carry that ending and write the next chapters that makes your story.

Your grammar and word choice need more work but I can see your effort in writing the story. Personally, I can still visualize a bit what's happening in each scene which is good but you need to work on letting the readers visualize what's happening in your story a bit more. You can do this by adding details with what the character sees and how they feel. For example, when Jackson first appeared, what was his facial expression? Did he have a smirk on his face as if he's taunting the main protagonist? What kind of character is the 'student' Jackson Wang? It's as they say - first impressions are important. For setting the scene, try going outside, for example. What do you see? Hear? Perhaps even smell? Describe all those things in words. Then when you write your story, imagine the world that your characters are living in.

Hopefully these little tips can help you in creating more details for your readers. Good luck with your story!

Grey
Topu-Da Grey
#7
Kind of, mama. Because at one moment, this is the scenario and the next is not related to the previous one in ANY WAY and I mean it. The dialouges do not match. Its like reading two different stories in two different universe which does not meet at a point.
 
veelah
veelah veelah
#8
So... like a drama series with lots of side stories in it with no indication of switches between stories.
 
veelah
veelah veelah
#9
It's really difficult for me. I just want to go back to my bubble where it's safe. *cries*

Let's try to break it down. I can't even get over the grammar hump... how am I to analyze the content of the story when I'm stuck at one edge of a giant hole in the sentence structure. If I attempt the leap, I'll fall in and never see the light of day.

*takes a deep breath* Okay, here we go.

So... it seems that you want to write this story in past tense. We will stick with that.

Try to avoid using verbs ending in "ing" directly after a subject. It works in special cases, but most of the time... no. Use the past tense of the verb (usually ending in "ed") unless it is an irregular verb.

"They lying dead on the ground."
This first one is tricky so I wouldn't expect you to know. The past tense of lie is lay... so the correct verb here would be "lay." They lay dead on the ground. Plenty of English speakers get this wrong.

"He flying few meters up to ground. "

Again, that verb ending in "ing." Change it to past tense, flew. He flew a few meters up from the ground. I am assuming that he is on the ground. If you want to keep something similar to "up to," use "the air" instead of "ground." He flew a few meters up into the air.

His whip hanged in his hand blood dropping from it.

Use blood "dripped," unless you're going for something poetic like "sacred spheres of blood dropped." < I doubt you want to mess with poetic. Let's be real. This is how I would reword this sentence. Blood dripped from his still whip.

You want to replace weak verbs like "to go" and "to be" with action verbs... or remove them all together. Here are two ways you can do that with: My eyes went wide.

My eyes grew wide.
My eyes widened.

I was in shock. < grammatically correct, but that "to be" verb... "I stood in shock" or "The shock immobilized me."


The glass I had in my hand fell out of window and broke on peaces under.

Replace "had" with an action verb "held." The verb, broke, is correct... but if something breaks into pieces... it's a transformation. You do not use "on" to show transformation. You use "into." Examples would be... He turned INTO a wolf. The rock transformed INTO gold. The mirror shattered INTO tiny shards.

The glass I had held in my hand fell out of the window and shattered into little pieces.

Sound of breaking glass woke me up from freeze and also pointed on me. Pretty man turned his head to my side and I saw his face right before I hid myself under window. < lol... you are giving your readers a hard time here. They have to spend some precious time making sense of the universe. xD

The sound of breaking glass reanimated my limbs and alerted him of my presence. His pretty head turned. I caught a glimpse of his face right before ducking out of sight.

I can't record your version without choking... so I'll just record my version of the excerpt. Like... seriously.
Generating more posts... complete.
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KaihleeLo #1
Chapter 10: Thank you for the critique, though this review was confusing as heck because of the layout I still was able to grasp the reviewers' insightful notes. Clinged should have been clung (obviously). I use google doc so it should automatically have a spell checker but it only checks to a certain degree, as you can see most of the time it doesn't catch . I don't plan to change "In the decades of 1800..." - maybe I'll write it as "In the 1800s" but - personally, I feel - yeah it's what you may find in a textbook; however, referring to a dynasty makes me feel I should now write accordingly to a specific non-fictional time period. And that's something I don't want to do.

I'm a very, in fact overly, descriptive writer and it's something I just naturally do. If I cut it down then I get this feeling that my readers wouldn't get the full picture I wanted to paint for them. But I will practice being even less descriptive (no lie, if you saw/read "Concealed Identity" some month ago you would want to strangle me). Thank goodness you for bringing up the formal and informal thing. I went back and forth with it so much I still don't know whether to keep it formal or informal. But when I get it figured out I'll go back make those changes. Overall I took a lot away from this 'discussion', even if it doesn't look like it. Thank you for being so quick with the review.

Ann - be prepared for some dense stuff in "Camellia On Top". I'll keep you in mind and try to make it less dense than "Concealed Identity" but no promises >_< due to the same reasons above.
KaihleeLo #2
Alrighty requested~ Thank you!
KellySeumilli #3
Hello ^^ I'd like to use my pass for a story critique ^^
KaihleeLo #4
Hello~ would love to use my pass for a story review.
chariseuma #5
Chapter 8: if anything i am grateful for ur honesty lmao there's no exactly romance in the story; it mainly focuses on the main character trying to find the truth of her sister

She's actually based on UMJI from g-friend and mate, i also happen to not like the name eunji but i thought whatever otl

Thanks for your honest comments and I'll be sure to check the tenses when I have the time


(Yes aff should have dog emojis lol)
chariseuma #6
Hiya I requested. Cheers x
sunflowerpots #7
Chapter 6: Dafaq. Hahahaha. There are Jose Rizal's minions here omg. Lol, I tried looking for reactions regarding the end part of the story but okay I had fun reading this. The story's trigger warned hence the 'subs only' so I really have no choice regarding that :)
The excerpt reading was quite nice, lol. I tried my best. XD thanks for this though.
ann1914 #8
Chapter 7: The title and recording for this chapter are amazing, lol.
sunflowerpots #9
I requested. *I'm definitely excited*
jenmarenchenjihae #10
I requested, it was quite hard.
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