Blue by sunflowerpots

Blue

story by sunflowerpots

Excerpt:

Wonwoo trembles as he stands up from his seat, looking at anywhere but anyone.

He has to say it.

He needs to say it.

It has to come out of his mouth.

He has to let the suffocating words out so he could finally breathe.

Critique Discussion:

Topu-Da Grey

Did I ever tell you that I hate it when authors put their stories on "subs only"? Well, now you do. I don't like it.

The end

Katerina93 Rose

Well, that ended very quickly haha xD

ann1914 goldfish ann

Um, I don't read or (add yuri, too). It's just my personal preference so please don't hate me. >< The excerpt sounds nice, though! And Wonwoo looks great on the poster!

//Sorry kaibigan. :c

Katerina93 Rose

Ann. Are you Filipino??

ann1914 goldfish ann

Ah, I'm from the Philippines. ^^

Katerina93 Rose

That's cool.
I am also Filipino born in the States. But my Tagalog is awful. T^T

ann1914 goldfish ann

Oh, high five! I barely use Tagalog now though since I'm living in the States. I tend to forget words sometimes and I just head to google translate to see if the translated word rings a bell, haha. >~<

Katerina93 Rose

Yeah. Like my family didn't really care if I learn Tagalog or not. But I do understand some of it. However, I cannot write in Tagalog. I just know it by pronouncing the Tagalog words. Tried reading it haha. That's how I knew you said friend in Tagalog.

I can relate lol.

veelah veelah

Wonwoo trembles as he stands up from his seat, looking at anywhere but anyone.

I spit out my coffee (not in the bowl this time). What the hell does that last part mean?! He avoided looking at others by looking everywhere else? These things will ruin the flow of the story. Your description of the action should be clear and easy to understand at first glance.

He has to say it.

He needs to say it.

It has to come out of his mouth.

He has to let the suffocating words out so he could finally breathe.

I don't mind the choppy sentence here because it's there for a reason... to convey the feeling of being unable to breathe. I wish the last sentence started off with "He needs" so there would be a nice ringing pattern:

He has to
He needs
He has to
He needs

I also have a problem with the word "could."

Kudos to you for attempting to write the story in the present tense.

veelah veelah

#10

Filipinas... *roll eyes*

Katerina93 Rose

#11

Coffee Bowl, that is why I can't be in the writing section. I would fail. LOL. My present and past tense kills me a lot.

Ikr~ *pokes your hair*

ann1914 goldfish ann

#12

@Rose Writing is not that hard though. For the most part, you can just write it as how it's said unlike in English where there are silent letters. On the other hand, reading can be tough.

@Vee I tried writing in present tense before (I forgot which story) and it was tough. I'm also not good with tenses. Wait, is that how you got your coffee bowl nickname?

Katerina93 Rose

#13

I know. But I don't want to critique on something I have no confidence in lol. I have a little confidence at the graphic section because I have a keen eye for some details.

I named her coffee bowl after the coffee bowl hospital she did back in the day haha. xD

veelah veelah

#14

Yes... I used to drink coffee in a bowl. *throws up a peace sign* LOL, I used to write in past tense... but it's too normal for me. I want to live only in the moment so I write my stories in present tense now. Can't go back.

ann1914 goldfish ann

#15

I meant writing in Tagalog, haha.

What the heck is that? .__.

veelah veelah

#16

@goldfish http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/952198/62#bodyText

Courtesy of veelah

Katerina93 Rose

#17

And remember that youtube link the two dudes had coffee bowls, literally. I was weak *dies*
We need to be like them someday. And have coffee talk someday.

LMFAO XD

ann1914 goldfish ann

#18

What the heck did I just read, Vee? That second image though - I thought he was going to look up and stare at me for some reason.

Katerina93 Rose

#19

I love coffee bowl hospital xD

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Comments

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KaihleeLo #1 Sep 9, 2017 02:22:32

Chapter 10: Thank you for the critique, though this review was confusing as heck because of the layout I still was able to grasp the reviewers' insightful notes. Clinged should have been clung (obviously). I use google doc so it should automatically have a spell checker but it only checks to a certain degree, as you can see most of the time it doesn't catch . I don't plan to change "In the decades of 1800..." - maybe I'll write it as "In the 1800s" but - personally, I feel - yeah it's what you may find in a textbook; however, referring to a dynasty makes me feel I should now write accordingly to a specific non-fictional time period. And that's something I don't want to do.

I'm a very, in fact overly, descriptive writer and it's something I just naturally do. If I cut it down then I get this feeling that my readers wouldn't get the full picture I wanted to paint for them. But I will practice being even less descriptive (no lie, if you saw/read "Concealed Identity" some month ago you would want to strangle me). Thank goodness you for bringing up the formal and informal thing. I went back and forth with it so much I still don't know whether to keep it formal or informal. But when I get it figured out I'll go back make those changes. Overall I took a lot away from this 'discussion', even if it doesn't look like it. Thank you for being so quick with the review.

Ann - be prepared for some dense stuff in "Camellia On Top". I'll keep you in mind and try to make it less dense than "Concealed Identity" but no promises >_< due to the same reasons above.

KaihleeLo #2 Aug 10, 2017 19:51:05

Alrighty requested~ Thank you!

KellySeumilli #3 Aug 10, 2017 14:10:49

Hello ^^ I'd like to use my pass for a story critique ^^

KaihleeLo #4 Aug 10, 2017 07:13:02

Hello~ would love to use my pass for a story review.

chariseuma #5 Jul 17, 2017 04:36:42

Chapter 8: if anything i am grateful for ur honesty lmao there's no exactly romance in the story; it mainly focuses on the main character trying to find the truth of her sister

She's actually based on UMJI from g-friend and mate, i also happen to not like the name eunji but i thought whatever otl

Thanks for your honest comments and I'll be sure to check the tenses when I have the time

(Yes aff should have dog emojis lol)

chariseuma #6 Jul 6, 2017 04:16:44

Hiya I requested. Cheers x

sunflowerpots #7 Apr 16, 2017 01:59:38

Chapter 6: Dafaq. Hahahaha. There are Jose Rizal's minions here omg. Lol, I tried looking for reactions regarding the end part of the story but okay I had fun reading this. The story's trigger warned hence the 'subs only' so I really have no choice regarding that :)
The excerpt reading was quite nice, lol. I tried my best. XD thanks for this though.

ann1914 #8 Apr 16, 2017 01:48:51

Chapter 7: The title and recording for this chapter are amazing, lol.

sunflowerpots #9 Apr 3, 2017 10:36:38

I requested. *I'm definitely excited*

jenmarenchenjihae #10 Apr 2, 2017 21:44:40

I requested, it was quite hard.