Sorrows of the Prince

story by zcrystalemerald

Excerpt:

Isuel sat up her legs hanging off the edge, she popped a cherry into and read the most recent note. She skimmed through it and sighed. Iseul wanted very much to go back to her floor in the castle.

Critique Discussion:

veelah veelah

Okay, girls. zcrystalemerald, our second victim has crawled onto the plate.

Why are all the brave ones ex-band mates? Like seriously... LMAO Silver-haired Butlers comeback?

ann1914 goldfish ann

I have a test coming soon so I need to prepare for that. If time permits, I usually read when I eat breakfast so I'll substitute what I usually read for this.

veelah veelah

Same. I'll need decent time to shred this piece. It's all good.

lmao... still need to answer that serious issues discussion board, too. :x

Topu-Da Grey

Here is my rant...I avoid EXO and Shinee fics like plague...so didn't bother reading it. So won't point out any cliches...Sorry.

Katerina93 Rose

I actually like SHINEE fics lol. So sad xD

veelah veelah

Maybe Rose can chip in then since Grey is out. It's understandable though lmao... that rant thread.

Katerina93 Rose

I will whenever I can get out of bed.
I've been sick for about a few days. My family got me sick. Smh.

veelah veelah

LMAO, been there, done that.

Katerina93 Rose

I hate being sick. I think everyone can all relate.

veelah veelah

#10

Okay, so before I forget what I discussed with goldfish verbally, I'll write it down here in the discussion. Goldfish can vouch for me being vicious even through audio. Let's focus on the excerpt. If I was a reader and I read the excerpt... I would have no intentions of reading further. Why? First off, The main character's name is wrong. One of them has to be wrong. You seriously didn't look over it at all. Like... at all. Prince turned into a Principal in the story... like the reader will take your story seriously after the principal turns back into a prince in a couple of sentences. Secondly, There is nothing in the excerpt that would entice me to continue. So... she received a note... doesn't even sound urgent or anything that would spark interest... okay... so she is homesick for her floor? And what the hell is she sitting on? A table, a chair, a ledge thirty feet off the ground? Give us something that raises questions or something exciting... at least make the excerpt descriptive.

zcrystalemerald version: Isuel sat up her legs hanging off the edge, she popped a cherry into and read the most recent note. She skimmed through it and sighed. Iseul wanted very much to go back to her floor in the castle.

veelah version: With her legs dangling out of the window, the willful princess sat up as straight as her body would allow. Her nimble finger hopscotched over the bowl of cherries to a scrawny, little note laying on top a pile of unopened letters. After skimming its content, she issued a long sigh. "Damn that prince! Damn him to hell!"

Yeah... so I would want to know what that stupid prince did to make her angry. ETC.

veelah veelah

#11

I will have to assume that crystal is being a non-cute werewolf at this very instant by sending us this very, very, very rough draft as a method of torture. Yes, she did state that she didn't check her grammar, but this is ridiculous. She better clean up those silly Prince/Principal-like errors... Run-on sentences are a serious issue. It is more serious than fragments. At least, fragments can be used for emphasis. Run-ons are just plain annoying, unattractive, and pure torture. I have no way of knowing where one idea ends and another one begins. Thanks. I have to reread four times and insert my own punctuation just to breathe. Thanks. Grey lucked out this time.

Topu-Da Grey

#12

Can't help it if I detest anything but TVXQ/JYJ

veelah veelah

#13

@Grey Yes, it can't be helped. lmao Okay, so I decided to just record the original excerpt. Listen to it all the way through... all the way. https://soundcloud.com/karli-kay/shadow-of-the-prince/s-F3Fp1

ann1914 goldfish ann

#14

Hmm, veelah pretty much said what I wanted to say. It would be best to add more details to create an image for the reader as even the tiniest of details can create an impact. However, upon reading your current work in progress, the story seems to have that mysterious vibe (at least on the first page) so leaving room for your audience to imagine what's going on in your story is also a good thing. Be careful with your sentence structure as well. For instance, you wrote, "The Prince closed his eyes concentrating, he sensed someone's aura, someone was alive." You could rewrite that to "The prince closed his eyes as he concentrated. He sensed someone's aura and at that moment, he knew that someone was alive." or something of that nature. Don't be afraid to put periods and start a new sentence.

Generating more posts... complete.

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KaihleeLo #1 Sep 9, 2017 02:22:32

Chapter 10: Thank you for the critique, though this review was confusing as heck because of the layout I still was able to grasp the reviewers' insightful notes. Clinged should have been clung (obviously). I use google doc so it should automatically have a spell checker but it only checks to a certain degree, as you can see most of the time it doesn't catch . I don't plan to change "In the decades of 1800..." - maybe I'll write it as "In the 1800s" but - personally, I feel - yeah it's what you may find in a textbook; however, referring to a dynasty makes me feel I should now write accordingly to a specific non-fictional time period. And that's something I don't want to do.

I'm a very, in fact overly, descriptive writer and it's something I just naturally do. If I cut it down then I get this feeling that my readers wouldn't get the full picture I wanted to paint for them. But I will practice being even less descriptive (no lie, if you saw/read "Concealed Identity" some month ago you would want to strangle me). Thank goodness you for bringing up the formal and informal thing. I went back and forth with it so much I still don't know whether to keep it formal or informal. But when I get it figured out I'll go back make those changes. Overall I took a lot away from this 'discussion', even if it doesn't look like it. Thank you for being so quick with the review.

Ann - be prepared for some dense stuff in "Camellia On Top". I'll keep you in mind and try to make it less dense than "Concealed Identity" but no promises >_< due to the same reasons above.

KaihleeLo #2 Aug 10, 2017 19:51:05

Alrighty requested~ Thank you!

KellySeumilli #3 Aug 10, 2017 14:10:49

Hello ^^ I'd like to use my pass for a story critique ^^

KaihleeLo #4 Aug 10, 2017 07:13:02

Hello~ would love to use my pass for a story review.

chariseuma #5 Jul 17, 2017 04:36:42

Chapter 8: if anything i am grateful for ur honesty lmao there's no exactly romance in the story; it mainly focuses on the main character trying to find the truth of her sister

She's actually based on UMJI from g-friend and mate, i also happen to not like the name eunji but i thought whatever otl

Thanks for your honest comments and I'll be sure to check the tenses when I have the time

(Yes aff should have dog emojis lol)

chariseuma #6 Jul 6, 2017 04:16:44

Hiya I requested. Cheers x

sunflowerpots #7 Apr 16, 2017 01:59:38

Chapter 6: Dafaq. Hahahaha. There are Jose Rizal's minions here omg. Lol, I tried looking for reactions regarding the end part of the story but okay I had fun reading this. The story's trigger warned hence the 'subs only' so I really have no choice regarding that :)
The excerpt reading was quite nice, lol. I tried my best. XD thanks for this though.

ann1914 #8 Apr 16, 2017 01:48:51

Chapter 7: The title and recording for this chapter are amazing, lol.

sunflowerpots #9 Apr 3, 2017 10:36:38

I requested. *I'm definitely excited*

jenmarenchenjihae #10 Apr 2, 2017 21:44:40

I requested, it was quite hard.

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Sorrows of the Prince - zcrystalemerald

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