But it’s not always about finding your other half, or making a strong compatibility with someone you like. Sometimes it’s also about finding yourself and being contented with yourself.

--

My days of being free and of lazing around has come to an end as the training become more frequent. Actually intended to make all of us exert more effort into it.

I was quite fine with it, for the effort that I would be shedding, would soon reward me my own dream in great fulfilment. Nothing could be better than the promise of debut.

The training hours in a week turned into days as school break is always the time when we have lots of time to spend.

Sungjae oppa and the other instructors gathered everyone, specially the trainees, into a meeting. Minjae oppa said that they’d all agreed on having everyone stay in the dorms, separated by gender and years of training, as it was always the case.

Last summer break, I had went into a dorm too, together with the unnies who have trained more or less years with me. Joohyun unnie, Seulgi unnie and even Soojung unnie before she debuted were all in the same dorm as me when I started training. When Soojung unnie debuted, she still made sure to come by our dorm when she can, bringing her members sometimes and even her sister.

Honestly, Jessica sunbae-nim and I were too awkward on the most part. And for as long as I can, I don’t want to dwell on it.

“This year, as we have more of the new trainees, we will mix people with different ages and different training years but not of the different gender. You all know we don’t allow relationships while training so take that as a clear explanation,” U-kwon oppa said, who was by far the most amazing dancer I’ve met who is not a trainee.

Sungjae oppa supported his friend’s statement with saying, “Yes, that’s right. And speaking of new trainees, we got one right now with us. Miss Park Sooyoung, please reveal yourself to them.”

My eyes widen when I heard the name. The sudden racing of my heart, clouding of my mind and freezing of my hands got the best of me as the hiding figure among the instructors ascended in front for everyone to see.

I cannot deny, the girl is breath-taking as usual, and I believe that drop was what got my fellow trainees’ jaws’ in. Figuratively, that is. But for me, I am quite sure that it has been hard for me to even deliver a proper breath in and out of my lungs.

The girl named Sooyoung flashed us a wide grin that showcases her white, perfect teeth in her plump and rosy lips. As it has always been, the pacing of my heart even got faster.

Sooyoung, as if it’s not enough torture, scanned her eyes at the crowd of sitting trainees, which of course I am one with, and locked eyes with me. Her eyes turned into the most beautiful crescents I’ve ever seen and I thought I heard of what might be a chuckle before speaking.

“Hello everyone! My name is Park Sooyoung. You can either call me Sooyoung or Joy, as it will be the stage name I’ll go with when I debut. Please take care of me,” she says, giggling a little as she scratches the back of her neck after.

I guess she’s really cool. Already thought of a stage name when she just started training.

Her eyes though, never left mine, having ourselves continue the staring contest we engaged ourselves in, while cold sweat rolled down my neck.

Admittedly, it’s only a little before it becomes awkward, having a staring contest with a pristine young lady like I am already doing, but it doesn’t. It stays on the good side, even with my thoughts rambling on my head and my breath getting stuck in my throat.

Sungjae oppa must have noticed our long eye contact for he cleared his throat and dismissed the meeting. Everyone stood up and conversed with the people in their circle, as the instructors informed us that the additional information about our dorms would soon be posted in a private page where everyone is joined in. That’s a lot handy these days, honestly.

The lady was walking to my way as I can see, and with every step came the thumping of my heart. It was almost nerve-wrecking but on my right I hear faint calling of my name, the sound coming from the two of the most precious fellow trainees I’ve been with ever since I started training four years ago, when my line of sight connected with their figures running towards me.

First with Seulgi unnie's bear-like face that was even emphasized by the bun her hair was in, and it suited her very slim and well-proportioned body. Her body was hugged loosely by a white shirt that is too big for her small frame, and by the fitted black leggings that allowed her legs run freely despite the tight fit. Her white shoes also added an effect to her outfit.

Then, my eyes connected with the innocent beauty of a lady with years after twenty as her age. Her straight black hair was flowing widely about her body, down to her waist and with just that, anyone can completely fall into the charm that is Bae Joohyun. She decided to wear a loose silver blouse with “BEAUTY” printed in black, tucked in a plain white skater skirt. They both looked fabulous but honestly, their fashion taste differ too much that it’s almost a painful task just to look at them.

My stiff body because of nervousness, started to relax as I smile at the childish ladies with childish grins on their faces. I just roll my eyes mentally with their silly approach but I guess, it can’t be helped. Honestly, I’m excited with the thought of spending time in the dorms again. Never has it made me feel less at home, really.

By the time I was supposed to greet them after reaching the spot just in front of me, their eyes weren’t directed on me anymore and it caught my breath as I noticed that they were staring seriously at the beautiful lady.

It was this moment that I truly appreciated her beauty, from the littlest of the details to the more encompassing parts. Her long wavy hair that tells of never-ending fairytale-like stories was hanging lowly just past her waist. The eyes of hers which never seemed to stop weaving mysteries that contained a lot but of only which beauty I can truly point out, shines the most with the sparkles that lit every dying cell to be awaken.

Like a road, the ups and downs, the curves and straights, defines her face well. Its role on the nose being an applause-worthy as the right curve was casted on it, made so perfectly to stun and amuse any normal being. Her neck to the rest of her body was so precisely sculpted and meld that not even the most endearing word can give justice to it.

Fingers so long and slim that could go on forever and cast any spell for anyone to suffer, flow just beside her clothed thighs. Her thighs that was showcased in a simple black shorts that somehow matched the black horizontal lines on the white fitted top. The black horizontal lines that somehow improved her best asset and her S-line body.

She looked amazing in that simple outfit she was in, in all honesty, and stare was the only thing that I can do.

Involuntarily, my heart makes a scene again, rampaging against my chest that it got harder to breathe again. It was then that I’ve noticed how they were all looking my way and I had to make an awkward throaty laugh before apologizing for not introducing each other instantly. And I did, but not without stammering and making fun of myself, as has always been the case when I’m with her.

She laughed, her giggle echoing about the confines of my heart and about my body with the blood circulating was already caught in the infection that is her laugh. I stared at her, knowing it could only last for a while before the chance perishes and I’m left with memories alone to replay on my mind, but she spoke.

“I’m sorry for laughing at you but why were you so caught up with staring at me? How many times had this happened, hm?” she says as she plays like she’s really thinking but there’s a knowing tug on her lips. When her eyes were securely locked with mine again, my lungs were in no condition to function properly as I was sure for every breath left was caught and ceased to the wind. She’s too stunning that even her voice started to sound like a lullaby to feed my strained soul.

My eyes went astray from her strong captive that allowed me to gather the breath from me by the beautiful lady just a few steps away, and casted my eyes upon my great friends who were looking at me with pure concern mixed with confusion.

Deciding to explain things, I said, “Joohyun unnie, Seulgi unnie, Sooyoung-ssi and I met a few days back at a convenience store while I was buying some milk tea.”

Knowing expressions scattered and painted their faces, and they smile at each other. I guess they think it’s weird to meet such a beautiful lady with my favourite beverage being the reason.

“And Sooyoung-ssi,” I called her, nervously. She responded chirpily, “Yes?”

Heart rate’s going too fast without my permission and my eyes get too attached to the beauty in front of me but I gathered some confidence and said, “Sooyoung-ssi, these are my friends.”

Joohyun unnie nudged me using her left elbow and I can only let my eyes ask the question. Her answer came in a form of a question when she said it out loud, “Aren’t you going to at least tell your new friend of our names, our Yerim?”

Blush permeates and paints the skin on my cheek, and I can only get embarrassed as my mind echo the shame that my friend has put me in. My hands turned sweaty as hazy thoughts fill my mind and all I wanted to do was run from the situation. But I couldn’t and I have to face this right now.

“We’re not really friends, Joohyun unnie, we just sort of met. It was even a shock that I saw her here,” I justified, feeling the need to explain how everything happened and such.

A faint smile covered my lips and it stayed there for the longest heartbeat I could ever manage to feel. We soon part ways, and mostly I am thankful of how the strange emotions I’m having, evaporated into thin air and with it came my worries, somehow.

--

Actually, not. Well, that’s because there is only so many times I get to see them before I finally got to hear their conversation. Which, unfortunately lead me to a very disheartening situation.

--

I was already knowledgeable of Wendy’s (Joy’s friend and housemate) training in the company for already two years. We never really talked nor never really trained together but I heard that she is kind.

No matter how “kind” they boast about her, I just get the wrong feeling after seeing her and Joy together for the second time. The first time being that morning they spent on the house because of my mom. I can only thank her that time for not making things more awkward than it already was.

Walking on the way to the comfort room, I passed by them talking and laughing on one corner, their hands even tangled on each other’s faces and waists. They looked maddeningly in love with each other it sickened me. I feel the ache in my tummy that became of the sourness in my mouth. Not only that, a certain ache in my heart dwelled too, making me hit it with closed fist again and again, just to lessen the pain.

By the time I was inside a cubicle, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was suppressing and a shocking tear left my eye, followed by more.

--

After seeing them at the corner, they kept showing before me again and again. Whether that was a coincidence or not, it truly irritates me. I was quite sure that no one dared approach me with how lethal my stare was.

But I was pretty thankful how I didn’t snap at anyone. My training with Sungjae oppa went well, and he even added more to the choreography just to make it longer.

Careful as I was, my path and theirs intersected yet again, for the last time today. I overheard them talking as I was securing my things in my duffel bag and for the last time, the all-too-familiar but foreign pain permeated and held my chest in it.

“Do you want to eat somewhere before we go home, jagiya?” Wendy asks in English. I know very well that she’s half American and how she’s raised there, special thanks to everyone who talks about her like she’s a divine being.

It’s not really a surprise how well she speaks but it kind of irked me in a way that she’s speaking in a different language when we’re in Korea. She can speak Korean fluently so why use another language right?

Not only that, she addressed her in a way only couples do. Jagiya. I almost want to rip out of her face with how strong my emotion is.

My tears could only flow like the waves of the sea crashing the shore and making a mark when it retreats, as my feet stepped and stepped further away from where they are situated, and my world crashed on me, weighing me down and the life out of me.

Dear young lady is already taken and I don’t know what to make of that information.

--

The next days were easier than that day, and I focused more on improving my skills rather than stalking on their lives.

Life for me though, has never been so strained considering that we were forced into training together. I have to notice all their sweet nothings and Sooyoung never talked to me anymore. Her attention was all in taking care of her girlfriend.

Okay, maybe I was lying a little on how I’m not really focusing on them because I am with the both of them in a room. It’s very hard to ignore them, honestly.

A thing that hasn’t changed though, was that whenever my eyes lock on her beautiful face, the breath gets stuck on my throat and I can’t breathe all over again. My hands would turn cold and I would lose my focus. Thankfully, Sungjae oppa was there as always to look for me.

He’s been a lot helpful since the day that S.H.Y sunbae-nims visited to see me dance. He compliments me more often too, and guides me more into improving. I hope that he doesn’t have any romantic feelings toward me though I can almost see it in his eyes and in the way his lips tug on either sides of his mouth.

I thank him every day for that and he just messes my hair every time. Until that time that I caught a glimpse of Sooyoung looking at us.