Things You Said After It Was Over.

Youngjae was in their bedroom. Standing alone and just staring at the messy closet that Youngjae and Jaebum shared, used to share.

He was alone in that enormous apartment of theirs. It was quiet but it was the quietest silences that brought the loudest and the most violent thoughts out of Youngjae’s brain.

Youngjae was alone. Jaebum had gone away, gone away for good, when Youngjae was almost unconscious on the floor, sleeping his misery away.

Youngjae continued to stare at the messiness. Jaebum hated disorder. He hated imperfections. Maybe why Jaebum got over Youngjae this fast since Youngjae was one of the most imperfect things on Earth.

Youngjae looked over at the large mirror that stood tall and broken from being mercilessly slammed by Jaebum’s fist over and over again last night. Youngjae looked at his gloomy and lifeless eyes, he observed his corrupt and inflamed and broken figure, and he stared at his dirty hair and clothes. But all Youngjae could see in those shattered glistening glass was Jaebum. His enormous and burly physique, his alarming and toxic eyes, his exquisite lips was all Youngjae could distinguish.

Youngjae looked at the messy bedcovers and bed sheets. Jaebum always made sure the bed looked spotless every morning no matter how long it took him. Jaebum also made sure he himself looked charming and perfect. Youngjae on the other hand was a mess, an imperfect and doomed mess. Which was perhaps why Jaebum could so effortlessly drop the words ‘get divorced’. Maybe getting divorced was a given for their unrealistic and stupid marriage.

“Getting married to a guy? Youngjae, have you finally gone crazy? That’s not normal. That’s not okay. I don’t even think it’s legal yet” Youngjae’s dad had insisted when Youngjae first mentioned how he wanted to get married to Jaebum, a senior who Youngjae was lucky enough to befriend and call him his.

“You’re serious about this random senior, huh?” Youngjae’s dad had finally given in after listening for hours to Youngjae’s small rambles about Jaebum.

“But if he ever decides it’s okay to boss you around or bully you around just because you’re a guy and he’s older, tell me or your hyung. Don’t let him pet you around easily” Youngjae’s dad had warned just as he was about to step into the altar. Youngjae had smiled at the time and brushed it off as a joke. Because why would Jaebum, his loving and tender hyung, would ever hurt him? Why would that kind-hearted hyung ever want to harm him?

“Nonsense, dad, he’s not like that” Youngjae had replied.

“He at least wasn’t like that” Youngjae muttered picking up his clothes from the floor that Jaebum had thrown last night when looking for his own clothes.

“He bought this for me” Youngjae said, hugging his black sweater with a small drawing of a dog on it. Youngjae would wear that sweater almost every single day as a college student, to the point where it almost became a uniform, a standard ‘Youngjae’ outfit. Jaebum would smile in a special way whenever he would see Youngjae wearing the black sweater.

“I should’ve bought you another one if I had known you would love it this much” Jaebum had said a month after of Youngjae wearing the sweater day and night.

Youngjae smiled in the most tragic and dreadful way possible and tried not to break into tears.

“It’s alright, hyung, it’s okay” Youngjae repeated to himself, as if Jaebum was standing beside just like he used to whenever Youngjae would start to cry, and asking him all types of questions.

“It’s alright, I’m okay” Youngjae answered to a nonexistent Jaebum standing next to him and smiling in a special angelic way.

“I know you do, hyung, I know you do, and I love you too” Youngjae replied just as if Jaebum was next to him and whispering hundred thousands of repeated sugary sweet ‘I love you’s just like he always did.

Just as he was broken on the floor crying his heart out over a black sweater he noticed a white piece of paper with dribbling on it attached to it.

“Youngjae, it’s me, Im Jae Bum. You’d probably noticed by now that I had left last night while you were sleeping. I’d left out of shame and disgust. I felt disgusting and terrible after I, the guy who has swore to love you unconditionally and to choose over and over, had made you cry and had triggered your panic attack. I knew better than to scare you off like that. I’m sorry, Youngjae. I really am. I can’t put it into words how apologetic I feel as I’m looking at you on the floor, so fragile and so… small, sleeping the pain of being terrified of your own spouse away. I loved you, Youngjae. Heck, I still do. I love you endlessly, aggressively and limitlessly. My love for you is ageless and scandalous. My love is poisonous and toxic. You were the only one who made me feel dumbfounded, wicked, astonished, and bewildered all the same time. You made me want to explore the universe, discover the amusements and find the ecstasy that could be equivalent to all the wonders you were doing to me, Youngjae. Your company and presence next to me was delicious, delightful and like a paradise. Looking at you and making you smile felt like seventh heaven. I was desperate and needy for your touch; I felt the urgency and the desire of your love; I felt how addicting and fascinating your love, you was. Looking at you and how elegant and simple you carried yourself, how alluring and resplendent your eyes were, I felt for the first time in my life myself easing into nothing but liquid, how my hard rock body felt like nothing but a sopping mess. From the first day I saw you I decided I should make you mine or else I would go insane, which was why I befriended you. Through our innocent friendship I had tricked you into, I felt the greed expanding inside me, how bruising and excruciating it felt not have you beside me at all times. To make it short, I love you. A lot more than I’ve ever shown it to you, or I’ve ever expressed it through words. A ton more than a lot. I love you, Youngjae. And I always will. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you. So much. So so so much.”

Youngjae didn’t know what to say. He didn’t feel anything other than regret and anger.

“WHY DID YOU LEAVE THEN” Youngjae shouted.

“IF YOU LOVED ME SO MUCH WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST STAY AND APOLOGIZE” Youngjae felt stupid and guilty.

“STUPID, STUPID JAEBUM. STUPID IM JAE BUM” Youngjae yelled so that everyone and possible Jaebum with the rest of the whole world could hear him.

“I WOULD’VE TAKEN YOU BACK, IDIOT! A QUICK I’M SORRY WOULD’VE BEEN MORE THAN OKAY” Youngjae cried.

Nothing could beat his regret and hatred towards Jaebum and towards letting him slip away just like that.

“WHY” Youngjae cried.

Nothing could beat his sorrow and hatred towards Jaebum and letting him go away just like that.