Civilized awkwardness.

If I had to come up with words to describe how my interaction with Dongmin had deteriorated since the weekend I saw him with Shin Hyesung, it was this.

I had never dreaded anything in my life as much as I dreaded coming to work at Fantagio the week that followed; half-expecting to either be bodily thrown out by one of the security guards as soon as I was through the lobby doors or be momentously chewed out in front of the other staff members by the CEO himself for doing what I did to their prized trainee.

I must admit, walking out on a student without any plausible reason aside from the fact that I was upset with him, was nothing short of immature and unprofessional. But it was either that or shaking the kid senseless until he begged for me to stop. And even then, I probably wouldn’t have listened. I was just so angry.

It would have given me immense satisfaction to see Dongmin’s beautiful, proud mask fall apart – to scare him by allowing him a glimpse of the insanity he has brought me into by being so careless with his person. But I also knew that I cared for him too much. That my frustration was stemming from the part of me that wanted him kept safe - the part that wanted him to stay innocent for as long as possible.

And that Shin Hyesung…

Damn him. Damn the man to hell!

The tension between me and Dongmin must have been palpable enough for the other members of ASTRO to notice. I occasionally see them cast furtive glances in my direction whenever I corrected Dongmin on something using a voice that was near clinical in its detachment.

I didn’t single him out. I made sure doled out critique between the members equally. But there was just no way the others would miss the sudden stiffness that we had between us, addressing each other in overly polite language. There was none of the close, playful bantering that came easily to us before.

What was noticeable was the change that took place in Dongmin in the absence of the interaction we once shared. He was doing better in his speech training, able to deliver an impromptu presentation with composure. The group’s vocal coach gushed at how he’s been volunteering to sing more lines and at times even managing to outshine Sanha and MJ.  His acting coach has been reporting a spike in his performance as well. Apparently he was more focused and expressive during his sessions.

And in my class? Well, he was hitting it with choreography every time. He’s also been coming up with his own individual displays of quirkiness while dancing, something the other members seemed to approve of. They had always complained that he looked more like he was running the dance steps in his head instead of engaging his audience while performing. Well, that problem was certainly fixed, no thanks to me.

I didn’t think it was a coincidence that he started to do better after last weekend. I saw it in his face, in his eyes, in the determined set of his mouth that he was doing this to show me up – to tell me that he no longer needed me. That I could leave him and he would still be okay.

And oh, did it hurt…

Because as much as I tried to convince myself that working the irregular hours and dealing with head handlers were just things I needed to put up with in order to build a reputation as a choreographer, Dongmin needing me was the biggest factor I stayed. And now, I didn’t even have that.

Expecting to be axed any day, I still came to class. Professionalism won out over my own emotional turmoil and career worries. The group still needed to be watched closely while they practiced. And, at the very least, it still gave me a chance to see him.

Sanha, Jinjin, MJ and Rocky  were seated in a circle at the center of the practice room huddled over a box and talking in low voices when I came in. I didn’t ask where their other member was because I already knew he usually did the snack run for the group on the way to my class. There was still twenty minutes before we were to begin the practice session so I sat near the music equipment with my tablet and started going through my notes.

“Go on.”

“Just ask him.”

“Well, what if he doesn’t want to?”

“We’re not going to know unless you ask.”

“But why do I have to ask? Why can’t you do it?”

“Because you’re the youngest, dummy. And he likes you.”

That was Myung Jun’s angry hiss. I couldn’t help but overhear the members muttering to themselves. They were about as discreet as a bulldozer. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the youngest puffing out his chest before rising in a huff.

“Binnie hyung?”

“So finally owning up to being the designated messenger, Sanha?” I gave the others a pointed look and they all ducked their heads in embarrassment. They really didn’t think I wasn’t able to overhear anything they said, did they?

The group maknae gave the other members’ backs a petulant glare before turning to me. “We need to ask you a favor.”

“Oh?”

I set aside my tablet and gave him my full attention. I must say it was a bit of a struggle trying to concentrate on the kid when he kept on fidgeting. The violent plum shade of his hair was also distracting, the color reminiscent of a ripening bruise.

“Well, today’s kind of special. It’s Dongmin hyung’s birthday.”

Dongmin’s birthday. That means he turns 18 today. Why don’t I know this?

18.

Finally legal.

“And well, we thought we could do a DDOCA clip with all of us celebrating together? We even got a cake and all. But see, we only have this video camera and we need someone to film the clip for us?” He held up one of those small, hand-held camcorders with a revolving LCD screen tucked on its left flank.

Dongmin is 18 today.

ing 18.

“Wait. What is DDOCA again?” I realized that it must have been something discussed in earlier round table meetings for ASTRO’s promotions but for the life of me I couldn’t recall what it was supposed to be.

“The group documentary we’re supposed to be doing? You know? To introduce ourselves, well… the group, to people online?”

“Okay?”

“So, could you help film our surprise… sort of… birthday party for him?”

“Well, I –“ When I glanced over to where the other three ASTRO members were seated, I knew there was no way I could refuse. They all appeared hopeful and they did go through the trouble of preparing a cake. Even Jinjin was craning his neck, trying to look over Rocky’s shoulders to see how I was reacting to all of this.

“Okay, I guess.”

Sanha whooped happily, having succeeded in his mission to get me involved. He shoved the camera into my hands and started babbling about the controls. I was just learning how to fiddle with the zoom feature when Dongmin entered the practice area carrying the usual plastic bag of snacks and drinks.

Our eyes met briefly… too brief for my liking…before his band mates launched into a loud rendition of “Happy Birthday.” He seemed pleasantly surprised. Dongmin’s eyes shrank into half-moons as his face broke into a genuine smile.

“Wow! Is this for me?”

“Binnie-hyung, did you get all that?” MJ asked, nodding to the camera in my hand.

It was my turn to look sheepish. Of course I didn’t get anything recorded. I was too busy being blinded by that amazing smile Dongmin just released into the world. The smile that I had missed so much…

“Er, no?”

“Dongmin, you need to go back out. It wasn’t filmed properly.” Myung Jun instructed, pulling his band mate back to the door.

“But, I already saw the cake and you sang Happy Birthday.” He countered, planting his feet firmly on the floor, refusing to budge.

“No!” The eldest member insisted, shouldering him back outside. “This is for DDOCA. We have to start filming from the time you come in until we sang Happy Birthday or else this will look too scripted!”

“If you’re going to insist on retaking the entire surprise, it will look scripted.” Jinjin countered, pinching the flames from the candles embedded on the top of the birthday cake.

“Can’t I just leave these here?” Dongmin quipped, bending down to place the bags he was carrying on the floor which earned him an indignant shriek from the band hyung.

“No! Absolutely not. You came from a snack run. Does it make sense that you came back without any snacks?”

“Hyung, you’re not going on director-nim mode again, are you?” Rocky appeared worried. “This is supposed to be a surprise.”

Myung Jun held up a finger, not wanting to be sassed. “I know that. And…it will still be a surprise if Dongmin acts surprised. Now you, go back out. And everyone else back to where you were before he came in.”

Seeing that there was no way they were going to win this, the other members relented and did exactly what MJ asked. When challenged, the eldest member was like a force of nature. He wasn’t going to accept any cheek from the others, especially since they were so much younger.

“Everything ready, Binnie-hyung?”

MJ was gesturing for me to hold the camcorder up. And strangely enough, I found myself doing what he asked. There was just no way to contradict him without incurring his displeasure. And from the uncertain looks the others were giving me, it would not be in my best interest if I did.

I the camera, aiming it at the door but making sure that I caught the back of the members as well. Jinjin was relighting the candles on the cake. Sanha crawled in the space between Myung Jun and Rocky on the floor.

“Dongmin-ah!” MJ yelled out.

“Yeah? Can I come in now?” Dongmin’s head popped back in through the door.

But Myung Jun was shaking his head. “No, not yet. I just have some last minute reminders before you can come in.”

“What?”

“Tone it down a bit.”

“I’m sorry. What?”

“Your powers of bedazzlement. Tone it down a bit.”

“My what?”

Myung Jun sighed theatrically, rolling his eyes. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your ability to walk into a room, stop time and make angels sing? Probably why Binnie-hyung lost concentration in the first place. So we need to shoot this again.”

Jinjin, Rocky and Sanha started snickering loudly. Dongmin looked completely baffled and then a fierce blush started creeping up his neck once he realized what MJ meant. He ducked out so quickly it sounded as if he fell over in his haste to getaway. There was a loud clatter and an “oof” coming from outside.

I made a move to hand over the camera. “I should go check if he’s okay.”

Myung Jun waving his hand dismissively. “He’s fine. With legs that long, they’re bound to get him trouble.”

Sanha smirked. “You’re just saying that because you’re short.”

“I’m sorry,” Myung Jun’s voice rose a notch along with one of his perfectly shaped eyebrows. “Have you ever seen me fall on my face?”

Sanha frowned. “Well, no.”

“I rest my case. Now, places everyone. Cake ready? Camera ready?”

“Yes, director-nim.” I retorted, ignoring the indignant squint MJ was giving me. I readjusted the focus on the camera, aiming it higher up so that when Dongmin comes in it would capture all of his face.

His glorious face and that bedazzling smile…

It when MJ is right.

“Dongmin-ah!” Myung Jun yelled in a loud voice that would put any street hawker to shame. “You can come in now! And look surprised, damn it!”

Shuffling forward and appearing mussed from having been outside, Dongmin peeked into the practice room. His eyes dramatically widened and his lips parted in exaggerated delight when he saw the cake Jinjin had presented to him. Very convincing considering this was the second time they were going through the surprise routine.  The others were delivering the rowdiest rendition of the birthday song I’ve ever heard. Rocky took the snack bags from Dongmin’s hands so that he could receive the cake properly.

Taking artistic liberties while MJ director-nim was momentarily distracted, I filmed the cake – a creation of candied fruits and white marshmallow icing with one long candle at the center. Then the camera lens took a slow drag from the cake up Dongmin’s long torso before settling on his face.

It was difficult even to draw a breath, watching him glow at the attention s were lavishing on him through the LCD screen. There was still a faint blush dusting the apple of his cheeks as he pursed his lips and blew out the candle. The others burst out in applause.

“What can you say about our surprise?” Sanha piped in bouncing hyperactively on his feet.

“Thank you, guys. This was really nice. I certainly didn’t expect it.” Dongmin paused for a moment, biting one corner of his lower lip, maybe to think of what to say next or maybe because he was feeling a rush of affection for his band mates.

Acceptance into the group wasn’t easy for him, as I was told by one of their managers in confidence. The four other members were not blind to the fact that he was getting preferential treatment, making him an automatic pariah. Also, Dongmin was naturally shy and aloof usually interpreted by the rest as being arrogant and cold. He was a necessity in that the group needed a visual, a hook in the form of an attractive beauty, but not someone they had to like. He was tolerated, but not included. That is until today when the four other members sprung this surprise on his birthday.

“Okay, so now that you’re 18, what do you look forward to the most?” Jinjin asked.

Dongmin blinked. He cocked his head to the side while he thought of his reply. “Change. I’m looking forward to change.”

Rocky considered his band mate’s answer. “Change? Like coins?”

“Aigoo.” Sanha slapped at his forehead in disbelief.

Bless Rocky for being so…

“What? Did he mean smaller bills?”

Naïve...

Jinjin chuckled. “And here I thought I was the slow one.”

“He meant life changes.” MJ said with a roll of his eyes. “Really.”

Undeterred by his hyung’s sarcasm, Rocky continued. “So what changes are we talking about here then?”

I kept my attention on the LCD screen, watching the dips and planes of Dongmin’s face undergo a preternatural transformation. I wasn’t sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but it seemed a light was emanating from beneath the surface of his skin; an inner incandescence that came from the realization that he was no longer a child. That he was finally coming into his own.

He squared his shoulders before he replied. “I’m an adult now. It means I get to think for myself, make my own decisions…”

He paused, glancing in my direction. Though his gaze was straight to the camera, his words seemed to be directed at me.

“I finally get to go after the things that really I want…”

**********************************************

Dongmin was taking his new adult status very seriously and was indeed making changes. He shed off his bashful nature, appearing more self-assured and confident. He was interacting better with his band members; often seen comfortably sharing jokes and jibes with them. He was actively participating in thinking of stage gimmicks for the group and had definite opinions about how they were going to be styled for their performances.

He communicated with the group managers and handlers directly; listening to their recommendations with politeness already bred from childhood, but in the end demanding firmly what he thought was right for him and his team. He had gotten so good at speaking and reasoning out that the others usually sent him to negotiate breaks and perks on their behalf.

In another round table discussion, Dongmin had abruptly declared during a lull in the conversation that he wanted to use a different name once the group debuts. He had asked everyone to start calling him Cha Eunwoo from then on. When prompted why he chose that specific name, he merely shrugged and said that he thought it sounded good.

There was something that seemed to have ch