I can’t sleep.

It’s already midnight and I just succeeded on putting Iseul to sleep a few minutes ago. I couldn’t come home, I can’t afford to leave her at such state. At the moment, I am heating water to make coffee for myself. I need to stay awake in case she suddenly wakes up.

And just as I expected – I am always on cue – I hear the door of her bedroom opening.

I glance at the wall clock – 2:34 AM – before turning back at the kitchen entrance. She walks in while clutching on the hem of her shirt. Her eyes were greatly swollen and her hair was a mess. “Why did you wake up?” I ask softly and wait for her to arrive in front of me before pulling her by the wrists. She only shakes her head and without any word, placed one side of her cheek onto my chest. Her arms creep around my waist for a tight clutch.

“I had a bad dream. Appa was calling me but I couldn’t come near although I kept on running. The distance was too far.” She muffles. “It doesn’t mean anything. Your head is just filled with the thoughts of him being unwell and created such dream.” I tell and pat the back of her head. She then looks up with her sullen expression. “You should go back to sleep so we could travel well tomorrow. Hm?” I ask and she just meekly nods but continues hugging me.

“Then let go now. Go back to your room.” I tell and held onto her arms and try to pull her away. “Can’t you come with me? I’m scared. . .” She muffles. “I’ll just make coffee and then follow. Okay?” I answer and she squirms like a kid. “Hmm—Kyungsoo. . . Don’t want to—you sleep too. . .“ She whines. “Okay okay.” I reach to the plug of the water heater and pull it out before dragging her.

We arrive back into her room and I tuck her down the blanket. “You too. . .” She mutters and I go in as well. “Why do you want to stay awake? Are you going to work on your computer?” She asks with a sad tone. “No, of course not. I just know you’d be like this.” I hug her placing her head on my chest. “He’s going to be fine right?” She muffles. “We will find out tomorrow, okay?” I tell.

I don’t want to lie to her and say it’s going to be alright when I’m not even sure myself.

I don’t even know what his illness is yet.

“K-kyungsoo. . . so it means it’s possible he’s not fine? Why did you answer like th—“Iseul, just stop over-thinking. Unless we go there which is what we’ll do tomorrow, we won’t know.” I admit. “Y-you could have at least just comforted me.” She lets go of me and turns her body away.

I heave a sigh. “Iseul, it isn’t like that.” I move close to her and hug her from behind. “Hey. . .” I call out and peek at her face but she covered it with her hands. “If I say he’s fine, will he really be fine? Iseul, you can’t be like that. You need to see both sides. Be it negative or not—“So you will say it on my face? If you’re ruder, you might even say you’re not sure if he will die or not? Is that it?” She cuts with a hard tone. She grabs my arm and yanks away from me.

She moves farther away to the very edge of the bed.

“H-he needs to be fine. . . He will be fine because he will walk me down the aisle. That’s what I want to hear.” She muffles with her shaky voice. “All I am asking is for you to have a rest physically and mentally. Whatever happens tomorrow, I can’t assure you it will be nice. I myself don’t know what’ll happen. His family is surely there—“Yes and I am not one of his family.” She grunts.

I move close and try pulling her by the waist but she was hitting my hand.

“At times like this I don’t accept your tactlessness. Don’t touch me.” She hisses and covers her head with a pillow. I roll back at the other edge of the bed and stare at the ceiling. I run my fingers through my hair and sigh heavily. I begin hearing her soft whimpers under the blanket. “What do you want me to say? He’s perfectly fine? He’s in the ICU, Iseul.” I explain as firmly as I could and her sobs got even louder.

“Iseul. . . Iseul, please just. . . j-just relax.” I sigh and put a hand on my forehead. I don’t know what to do when she’s acting like this especially at this late hour where she is supposed to be sound asleep. “I hate seeing you like that, please. . .” I muffle and close my eyes while biting on my bottom lip. “I s-swear I’m trying, I j-just don’t know what to say. H-how. . . how to make you feel better, I don’t know. Please, just calm down.” I add.

I feel her movement on the bed.

And before I knew it, she hugs me while crying.

I turn my body to the side to accept her hold and held her back just as tight. “I’m sorry. . .” She cries out on my chest, sobbing like a kid. “Please. . . Please tell me what you want me to do so you won’t keep on acting like this.” I tell and I feel her shaking her head. “Iseul, tomorrow if you show them you’re this vulnerable. . . W-what if they do something huh? I can’t let that happen. Are you really sure you want to—“I want to. I want to go, I need to go.” She answers firmly but remains hugging me this time.

I grab her on the face to make her look up to me.

Through the dim light the lamp was giving, I see her glittering eyes looking back at mine. “I-I’m scared. . . I’m so scared but. . . you’re there. I know I shouldn’t be. You’re just behind me right?” She asks. I give her a loving smile and caress my thumb on the cheek. “No, you’re behind me. I’ll guard you, okay?” I ask. “B-but Kyungsoo I ne—“Shh, I am not asking for a counter-attack. You second the motion. This case is closed. Now sleep.” I place my lips on her forehead and let them linger for a few seconds before hugging her close to my chest again.

“Kyungsoo. . .” She calls in a whiny way. “I’m asleep.” I mutter and let out fake snores. “Ahh—yah. . .” I feel her light slap on my waist and I chuckle softly. “Yah, I said sleep, right?” I look down to her again and our eyes meet. “I love you.” She hushes and places a light peck on my lips before resting her head back down my arm. It made me smile sincerely as I give her shoulder a light press before placing my head comfortably close to hers and close my eyes.

Tomorrow will be a tough day for her.

I shall be tougher.

_ _ _

The moment we arrived at the hospital, Iseul begins acting so eager and panicky but I just need to lead and get her under control so she won’t be reckless enough to make a ruckus.

We just found out it was Leukemia.

It’s not a good sign. . . but I don’t want to let Iseul more down that she already is.

I need to be positive. But being a genius, thoughts, hypotheses begin filling up my head