Kyungsoo POV

 

i feel so tierd

 

 

 

———————

 

 

I enter the school gate with a gloomy face, eyes baggy from the sleepless nights, i push my glasses up from falling and let a hand go through my hair, my hair’s a mess, i only got 30 minutes to get up, wash,dress, eat and leave. My school uniform is wrinkly, my black school bag is hanging onto both shoulder which ache from the heaviness of it. I look up see the sky ‘ at least I'm not the only one who’s gloomy today’ ,its still early as i go up stairs to see if my friends are in class waiting, i open the door to see baek and suho talking while they do their homework, we usually do our homework last minute, they both look up.

 

“ hey soo!” baek called out “ have you done the geometry homework” 

 

i sigh “no…”  then i gave them a simple smile “ but i know your going to help me “

 

“yah!  im no good in this , suho will help you “

 

“ why me…” suho frowned, he was always organised and neat, his grades are good too, all he does is sit quite in class and poof…A+ , guess it cause they’res lots of people who talk and fool around in class.

 

“ never mind… forget it im not in the mood for it” geometry was okay for me so i didn't worry that much but the teacher is a bit strict, he has a lot of kids to take care of back home, six i think.

 

i sit down on an empty seat to listen to their conversation, “ oh !! we got a party in english “ baek says ,by party he means quiz, thats what are teacher calls it, ms.lee is the most nicest teacher at school, brown long hair and always keeps a smile.

 

“ which chapter?”  i replied, we were reading ‘ all quite on the westward front’  not that i dont like reading, its just i don’t feel like reading , “ 8 and 9 “ the other said back with a sad tone. “ ugh i dont want to study~ im tired of this “ i just simple keep a poker face.

 

“ im here!!” Chanyeol opens the door, Chanyeol was always fun but hates people easily . Right behind him was his  fraternal twin, sehun, i trust sehun the most from my four friends, even though me and baek have been friends since second grade. i smile at his sight, he always makes me smile, he’s funny without even trying. 

 

“ hey chan, hey sehun “ i said waving my hand giving them my best smile." hey kyungie!" Chanyeol replied, squishing my cheeks, we were the only ones in class,  other students that just came to school were probably in the hall ways. As I was still being squished, I look at my two friends, baek and sehun , leaving the class to talk outside in the hallway, it makes me sad that they always go together to talk about what happens around the school, we go to an all boys high school but we got a lot of drama going on.

 

They always keep secrets from me and the others, once I saw them talking to each other next to their lockers in the hallway, I go near them and say " hey... What's wrong " with a smile trying to cheer the mood, they  both looked serious and both not looking at me in the eye " oh nothing " baek replied. Those words hurt me, real bad, i thought of it for a while...am I sensitive ? I heard my mother call me that. Maybe I am.

 

I'm not really asking for much, but my empty heart desires love from my friends. I don't really know if they'res something wrong with me but I don't feel loved by anyone, not even my parents. 

 

The bell rings and I go sit at my original seat, our homeroom teacher is always a few minutes late. A group of seven teens come to class and sit down together, talking about who knows what , I always felt they were somehow scary with their weird laughs, they sound really evil. But I ignored those people and started on focusing on sleep instead, I put my head down and close my eyes. 

 

" are you tired?" I look up to see a worried sehun , " yeah, I just didn't .." I yawn " didn't sleep well ...hehe" sehun replied with a smile "KYUNGSOO ! Don't talk during attendance" I got scold by the ty teacher who can hardly speak English. Sehun gave me an apologetic look, but I smiled back. 

 

Sehun told me about himself before, he and his brother don't get along well, they were separated at birth, chanyeol stayed with his real parents while sehun stayed with his step mom, his step mom was way kinder than his real mother. When he was younger he always wondered why he didn't grow up with a dad. It's until he was six he met his brother and mother when they came to visit. His mother wanted him back and his step mom didn't say anything and did what the other wanted. Sehun never felt comfortable in his new family, he always felt like he wasn't meant to be part of them.

 

As sehun grew up he tried drugs and alcohol, once I came over to his house and in their shared room he showed me vodka under his drawer. He told me not to tell anyone, he also told me that he once drank too much and started texting his friends, though I'm not sure what he was texting but all I know was that it wasn't good. He also texting his boyfriend, jongin who was a year younger, but he apologized to the things he texted the next day. 

 

Time past by and it was already lunch, i went to the music room where we always hang out and play instruments. We usually all have different classes, but some we had together.

 

" I'm so hungry " I whine as I go in to see my four best friends, also a few other classmates I get along with, jongdae and minseok. Jongdae runs up to me and hugs me .

 

" I'm miss you soo~~" he squishes me with his tight hug

 

" I miss you too "  I reply 

 

I sit down on the floor, poking a straw into my juice and start sipping. We joke around and laugh until I see sehun and baekhyun leaving the room, I never ask where they're going cause i know they go walk around the school, baekhyun always wants to talk about people and their drama and problems going on.

 

Baekhyun comes back first, it means sehun is hanging out with jongin, no one really knows that they're gay, and in this country gay is strictly forbidden. 

 

But the school does have another couple, every student knows they're  gay but no one says anything about it, but I think they're was one point they were taken to the schools principle. But most teachers think they're close friends, but obviously the student know they're way closer than friends.

 

Unlike sehun and baekhyun I'm not a social butterfly, I'm nice to everyone but I don't think people be nice back to me, but I don't really care. I'm more of a silent person and I can't really express my self easily, when I talk I usually make a mistake between my words. 

 

~~~

 

School was over, not that I didn't like school I just think it's better than home. I exit the school gates to see a car waiting for me, I furrow my eyebrows together, I ignore the car and walked away.

 

" Young master!, where are you going "

 

Kyungsoo turns his head to see his butler calling him, he frowns.

 

"'I told you not to pick me up, I can get home myself" 

 

" Madam says it not safe for you to be walking around, you never know what can happen in these dangerous streets"

 

" please, Go home" Kyungsoo ordered trying not to shout even though there aren't any people around, he finished a bit late cause the teacher needed help with some papers.

 

" but your mother-" 

 

I didn't give him a chance to talk as I ran as fast as I can, I tried looking for an alley way small enough so i can slip away from the other. 

 

It's been an hour, I'm now currently walking in the dark world, the only light i can see it from the street lamp. I walk slowly as I listen to some music, I felt depressed again, tears were held up in my eyes, my head hurts from all the negative thoughts I've been thinking about. Death comes through my mind atleast three times a day, I sometimes thinking about getting hit my a car or jumping out of a building hitting my head hard to the rough ground to make me unconscious, the only time I'm happy is when I'm around my friends, but I feel like a bother to them, I feel really stupid too. I'm usually clumsy or confused and my friends always say I'm too innocent to understands hen they make a erted joke.

 

I finally reach my destination, home, my house was big, it just had two floors but the land was huge. i open the door and instantly walk towards my room until I was stopped . I stayed the same position and my eyes on the floor.

 

" where were you?"

 

"I was late working at school"

 

"Then why did you not go with the driver"

 

My mother was angry as usual, I ignored her and run straight to my room, locking my room. I let go of my bag letting it fall to the floor while I throw myself into the bed. I go under the covers, hiding myself in the darkness, I pull my knees to cover my face as unstoppable tears flow out of my eyes and I start to sob. After an hour or so I thought, I start looking for my scissors cause it was the only thing near me right now as I had no energy to get a razor from my bathroom, which is across the room. 

 

I breathed in and out , I hesitated at first cuz it's been a while but the first cut on my left wrist was fine and I got use to it as I added more. Tears were running down my cheeks.

I chant.

 

 

I want to die 

 

I want to die 

 

Please 

 

Let me wake up 

 

Let this be a dream

 

Please 

 

Red was covered over my wrist as I finally closed my eyes.

 

 

~~~

 

I got my head out of my pillow, my hair is a mess, going in different directions and my under eyes were darker than the day before, my eyes were red.

 

 " why am I so weak to kill my self “

 

sorry this is just a bit random