Waking up from his sleep (it couldn’t be called a nap because that implies that it was a short period of time in which he was inactive but looking at the clock he realized that in fact he had been asleep for about 5 hours) Sungjong noted two things.

One, no matter how much he slept he would perpetually be tired,

Two, none of his hyungs were home.

The first thing he knew, it was practically ingrained him from the time he was a trainee that sleep was a non-existent far away pipe dream. Being an idol meant that he couldn’t sleep, wouldn’t sleep.

The second thing he also knew, sorta, in a kind of expected way because being an idol also meant not being home at decent hours because you were busy and there were so many things to do and people to see and so many people who wanted to see you and so many people who wanted you to do something. 

Sitting up stiffly and rolling his shoulders Sungjong sighed, the exhale of breath coming out more like a whimper but he ignored it because no one was here to hear it which meant that the noise didn’t exist. Having no one here meant that he didn’t exist. Or did it mean that he existed more because no one was here?

Sungjong wasn’t in the mood to have an existential crisis.

Tucking his legs beneath him he felt blindly for his phone that was in his pocket. Quickly becoming frustrated he looked down and saw it slip between the cushions and he grunted, annoyed. Digging around in between the cushions he noted that Sungyeol was a much messier eater then he let on because there were crumbs out the and lint and was that a lollipop?

Finally retrieving his phone he scanned the plethora of messages that he received throughout his five hour sleep. Most of them were from the group message that he was in with the other members of INFINITE. Sunggyu had thought it was a good way for the members to keep in touch with each other, which meant it was a good way for him to nag at everyone all at once.

‘I’m goinggggg to staaaaaaarveeeeee’

‘I’m dead =.=’

‘Sending my love to all my cute little kids *hearteyeshearteyeskissingface*’

‘Aish Woohyun-ah, you’re greasy as ’

Continuous messages that Sungjong just didn’t want to respond to because nothing pertained directly to him and he had nothing in particular he wanted to say.

It was like that a lot.

--

3 days later

--

“Aish, you’re arm is still to bent Sungjong, how can you still not get your elbow right? Yah, we’ve performed this so many ing times.” Sunggyu was yelling at him, adjusting the maknae’s arm aggressively and glaring at him through his tiny slits. Sungjong thought that he looked like a hamster more than ever.

Frustrated and irritated Sungjong muttered a “Yes, hyung” through tightly clenched teeth and adjusted his elbow. They were practicing for a concert they had in Busan, standard concert with the same performances, dance moves and songs but Sungjong was still fumbling. The other members were off to the side, Sunggyu allowing them a break whilst he ripped into the maknae. Sungjong knew that Sunggyu wasn’t purposely being a to just be a but that he really wanted the performance to go well.

Didn’t take away the fact that Sunggyu was being a .

Clenching his teeth Sungjong ran through the performance again, Sunggyu was watching him intently looking for any sign that the moves were imperfect and then nodding to himself when he couldn’t find any faults in this run through.

Panting, exhausted and sweaty Sungjong walked towards the others, grabbing a water bottle from a sympathetic Dongwoo.

Sunggyu walked towards them as well and looked at them seriously, “Listen guys, I know everyone is busy and tired but it doesn’t excuse the fact that we’ve done this choreography a million times and people are still struggling with it.” He turned to Sungjong and Myungsoo, the latter helping wipe sweat from Sungjong’s face, “Myungsoo I know that you’re busy filming a drama but you need to make sure that when you aren’t here that you are practicing. Sungjong, you haven’t had a serious schedule so I don’t understand why you’re so much. You have time to practice.”

Sungjong’s eyes tightened at the corners and he nodded, but before he could open his mouth to, to what? Apologize? Yell? Cry? Sungjong wasn’t sure but before he could decide on something Woohyun has put his hand on Sunggyu’s shoulder, “Hyung, the kids are working hard. We’re all tired. Let’s cut them some slack.”

Woohyun and Sunggyu did this thing, this thing where they would both stare at each other for a long period of time, neither blinking and seemingly not breathing and the other members would just watch the exchange and wait for their telepathic communication to be over because there was never any point in getting between them when they were like this.

The communication ended and something must have transpired between them because Sunggyu just closed his eyes and nodded suddenly looking older then he was. “Let’s just head back to the dorm. We have the shoot for V-magazine and we need to take showers.” Mumbling under his breath he started to grab his things as the others also stood and began to clean up.

Sighing Sungjong proceeded to pack up, ignoring the chatter between Sungyeol and Myungsoo and the bickering between Sunggyu and Woohyun. Sungjong wanted to sleep but because he knew that the photoshoot with the other members was going to take place in the early ing hours of the day, sleep wasn’t going to be a reprieve.

Lost in his thoughts and grumbling he didn’t notice Hoya beside him and he jumped when he felt pressure on his shoulder.

Turning quickly he looked at Hoya, “Yes Hyung?”

Hoya smiled at him, small, wry and just a little knowing. Hoya had always been his favorite hyung because he was quiet in a way that made his presence known but not overwhelming. He was rational, unlike Sunggyu, reasonable unlike Sungyeol, calm unlike Dongwoo, funny unlike Woohyun and often he turned to him about the darker parts of Sungjong’s mind when he couldn’t talk to Myungsoo.

As of late he hadn’t seen much of him what with Hoya and Dongwoo making a comeback with Infinite H and them doing constant promotions. He saw the haggard look Hoya wore when he thought no one was looking. He saw the ache in his bones and he saw the cracks in his smile. He thinks that maybe Hoya would understand him the most, if he only opened up a little bit.

That wasn’t going to happen but it was nice to think about.

“Are you alright Jongie?” Hoya sounded so concerned and Sungjong was touched but he was also irritated because Hoya was being a hypocrite because Hoya wasn’t alright and who was he to ask him if he was doing okay when he should be focusing on himself? Irrational irritation surged through him and Sungjong did his best to quell it, Hoya was concerned but underneath that concern he could see that he was so so tired and maybe hopeful that Sungjong was just having a bad day and he would tell him he was in fact just fine and a good nights rest would be the answer.

“I’m doing fine, I just need to sleep and I’ll feel better. Just having a bad day.” Sungjong smiled at him, all crinkled cheeks and half-crescent eyes and he saw Hoya looking at him doubtfully but with just a little bit of relief and nod.

“Alright lets get going, the others probably left and you know that we’re going to be the last to shower.” Hoya’s tone was light and he pushed Sungjong ahead and flicked off the lights. Sungjong allowed himself to be pushed and did his best to focus on Hoya’s words all the way home.

--

Sungjong was a martyr. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that if he really wanted to talk to someone none of his hyungs would refuse. Try as they might to tease and bully him he knew that they cared for him but it was Sungjong that was reluctant.

How do you tell your hyungs that instead of feeling twenty-three he feels like he’s ninety. How does he put into words that he is indescribably angry the first thing in the morning, incredibly sad throughout the day and bone-shattering exhausted at night? How do you say that to six other people who are just as tired?

You don’t. So he didn’t.

Sungjong closed his eyes but he didn’t sleep.

It was black.