You’ve ruined everything.

Hyemi dropped the gun, as if the cool metal had scalded her hand.

You’ve put everything you’ve worked for in danger for that man.

She dropped to the ground besides Jongin, refusing to let tears form as she tried to think. His blood pooled around her knees, staining her jeans red as her hands nervously cupped his face. He didn’t stir, even as her fingertips made their way down other base of his neck, desperately searching for a pulse. She took a wracking breath, fingers shaking, there was nothing. She lowered her head to his chest, hoping that she could catch a breath, a rise in his chest. It all happened at once, the light touch on her arm, the faintest sound of of his breath, and her fingertips finding the soft pulse at his neck.

Renewed hope sent her into action. She moved closer, drawing her shirt over her head as she held it tightly against his wound. She used her free hand to find his phone. She turned it on, reaching for his hand, cool and clammy, to unlock the fingerprint ID on the phone. She scrolled past his contacts, reaching ‘K’ and calling the only number with the single initial.

“Where the hell are you?!” The angry voice on the other side snapped.

“He’s hurt, you need to send help” Hyemi said, her voice shakier than she had thought it would sound.

She could hear something fall over and orders being barked in the background, “Leave the phone on, I’ll track it, we’ll be fast” He said simply and because it came to Jongin’s life, she believed him.

“Hurry” She said simply, placing the phone aside and focusing back on Jongin.

She touched the side of his face and gasped quietly when his eyes slowly opened.

“Thank god” She breathed as his eyes slowly lost focus, “Jongin, help is coming. You’re going to be fine” She said firmly, aware that she was trying to convince herself more of that fact than anyone else.

He blinked and glanced at her, “Is he…?”

“He’s dead”

“You?” He asked and she nodded, he tried to move and she kept him on the ground.

“Stop it, I’m fine, I killed him” She said quietly.

He strained to take deep breaths and she glanced nervously as the knife in his abdomen. She had once been taught to never pull a knife out, you don’t know the damage left behind underneath, you might kill someone just by pulling it out, but staring at it so helplessly made her feel sick.

“The gun, the one you used” He said, voice strained, “Grab it, take it with you”

“That’s not—“

“Just… do it”

She bit her lip nervously, reaching it and tucking it into the waistband of her jeans. It was uncomfortable, but she didn’t care. She would do anything he told her so long as it meant him being alright. The seconds ticked past. Neither of them said another word, she didn’t move, keeping her eyes trained on his chest. Every rise and fall helped keep her calm. It seemed like a lifetime later, when a crash  finally echoed from the upstairs. Fear hit her with a slap as she reached back and pulled out the gun, turning so that she was crouched in front of Jongin. It was irrational, she knew Kyungsoo was coming with help and yet the thought that Jongin was defenseless, kept her on edge.

“It’s just us” Kyungsoo said, taking in the girl who looked ready to shoot and the men fallen around her.

“Help him” Hyemi said quietly, immediately dropping her hands to her side.

Kyungsoo had two other men come in, each carefully loading his wounded friend into a car. The hospital would be the next stop for him. Baekhyun grabbed Hyemi, neither willing to argue with her when she refused to part with the gun in her hand.

“I’ll take you home” Baekhyun said.

“I’m going with Jongin” She said instead and after exacting a quick glance with Kyungsoo, he allowed her to do so, “Are you coming?” She asked, stopping and turning to face Kyungsoo.

“I’m going to get this cleaned up” He said simply.

He held her gaze unflinchingly, recognizing the blame in her eyes. She wasn’t completely wrong, if he hadn’t tried to get her to leave, no one would be here in the first place. She said nothing, jaw clenched as she turned and followed Baekhyun out of the room.

Kyungsoo looked around at the blood and the two bodies left. He cautiously walked over to Seungsoo’s bodies, kicking it lightly with the tip of his shoe. At least that was one obstacle taken care of. He quietly crouched down besides the man and dug around his pockets until he found a cellphone. He pocketed the device silently, deciding it would be good to get Baekhyun to take a look at it and run all the numbers that had called the phone and had been called by the phone. Though they would no longer get any information from the body on the floor, the phone calls were the next best thing at telling what kind of relationships he held and with who.

The feeling of being arriving back in that small hospital was nauseating. Images of Chanyeol flickered past and though Jongin was nowhere near that physical state, fear still had a steady grip on her. She was about to go up to where she knew they would be working on Jongin and stiffened when Baekhyun held her back. She took a sharp breath as she turned to him, ready to snap when she spotted his outstretched hand.

“You kept him alive, thanks” He said simply.

~~~~~~~~~~

His blood stained her hand, despite the running water and the soap she kept pouring on.

This used to be something you dreamed about…

She scrubbed harder, itching to get clean. It took a few minutes, but she figured she was decent enough as she zipped up the hoodie Baekhyun had given to her to hide both the blood stains and the gun she had kept on her. She stared at herself in the mirror all battered and bruised for what? For this vengeance that only seemed to weaken with every passing moment? For a triumph that had stopped feeling like one for far too long? Hours had passed and the doctors had told them that Jongin was stable, no visitors for now, he needed time.

Hyemi knew it made sense, but she needed to see him. The tightness in her chest hadn’t eased despite being here. She needed to see him with her own eyes, needed to confirm that he was safe herself.

“They said you can go in now” Baekhyun said from the other side of the bathroom door. Hyemi dried her palms on her jeans and practically ran out.

“They want to get you checked out too” He added.

“I’m fine, I just want to see him” She said firmly, reaching his room and pausing.

“I’ll let you two have some time alone” Baekhyun said quietly as he stepped back.

Hyemi nodded before she went in and closed the door behind her. She didn’t step any further in, instead standing against the door watching him, waiting. He stirred as she approached him, opening his eyes and giving her a weak smile.

“You ended up saving me instead” He said, a small laugh escaping him before he winced.

Hyemi scoffed, “Why on earth would you show up alone? Are you stupid? You almost got yourself killed!” She snapped, feeling the carefully crafted wall around everything she had been feeling crumble around her.

“I thought you were dead!” She cried out, tears spilling out as he weakly took her shaking hands in his.

“Stop it!” She snapped, slapping his hands away, “You think I like being like this? This mess? This wasn’t supposed to happen Jongin! I shouldn’t have felt the world give out from under me the moment I saw that damn knife in you!” She said, somehow her sobs getting worse.

He gave her a firm tug on the arm, so that she could sit on the edge of the bed.

“I love you”

“Shut up, you don’t have to say it just because I saved your ” She hissed.

“I love you Hyemi” He repeated, a smile on his face, “I couldn’t say it before because I hadn’t realized that it was possible. I loved Ara, a part of me will always love her memory, but I love you more, I love you now. If he had told me to walk into that knife for you, I would have done it”

“Don’t” She whispered, because the words he was saying went her straight to her heart.

“And I know you love me too” He said smugly.

“No you don’t”

“Yes, I do” He said knowingly. She stared at him wiping her tears away.

“Stop” She whispered as he painfully sat up. He ignored her, pulling her into his arms instead.

He didn’t say a word, caressing her hair gently and holding her tightly, “I don’t want to ever have you apart from me again” He whispered.

Hyemi shuddered, nodding in silence as she allowed herself to finally believe that he really was safe. The relief made the tears slow, but they continued to fall as she held onto him. She breathed in his scent, slightly overwhelmed by the smell of antiseptic and the hospital, but still there nonetheless. His breath was warm, stronger now that what it had been hours ago. She pulled back and made him lay back down. She touched his face gently, the face of the man who claimed to love her so much he nearly gave up his life for her. It was the same face, the same eyes, but he looked different to her. As if by admitting that he loved her, somehow her brain allowed her to look at him in all his beauty.

She felt like she was seeing him for the first time. He had always been beautiful to her, she could admit that now. But in that moment, he seemed surreal.

“The gun, do you still have it?” He asked quietly.

She nodded, pulling it out. He stared it, his expression thoughtful as he stared back at her.

“Take it, get rid of it, hide it”

“What?”

“It’s yours, it has your fingerprints on it, that man’s blood on it. I want you to trust me and trust doesn't happen if you’re always wondering what happened to the only evidence that will be left tying you to that man’s murder” He said.

Hyemi knew better than to disagree, self-preservation kicking in as she nodded and took it.

“Go get rid of it, you have my promise no one will be following you tonight” He said calmly and she knew that tonight she had gained all of his trust.

She stood up cautiously and hid the gun once again. She was about to leave when she stopped and went to him and pressed her lips on his firmly.

“I do love you” She swore, staring into his eyes, “I shouldn’t, but I do, please don’t ever forget that” She whispered before she walked out.

~~~~~~~

She took a cab straight back to her apartment, not caring if she was followed or not. Almost wishing that she was so she could be done with her lies. If the world burned down around her, she wouldn't care so long as spent those last moments with him. She loved him. She did, she loved Kim Jongin. It was liberating and haunting at the same time to say it out loud, to admit it to herself, to realize that this game of revenge had so disastrously veered off course. She wanted to be with him forever, she wanted to run away with him, be happy with the man that she loved, despite his sins, she wanted him.

But life didn’t work that way she knew as she went straight for the phone on her kitchen counter.

Life wasn’t about doing what made you happy, it was about completing your duties, doing what needed to be done. There was no room for happiness in her life, she had a job to do and no matter how much she wanted to forget it, she couldn’t. She owed it to her father.

The phone rang once, “What’s wrong?” Myungsoo asked quickly.

“I need out. I have everything you’d need to bring Jongin and his men in. I can’t do this any more”

I can’t lie to him anymore

“Did something happen?” Myungsoo asked worriedly.

“I’m losing my mind” She said quite honestly.

“What does that mean?”

She fell silent, “I just want out alright? I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Is this doable soon or not?”

“I’ll head over and we can talk about it, wait for me”

She said nothing before she hung up and slowly slipped the gun into a plastic bag that she carefully hid in the back of her closet. The urge to cry came back and she knew this time it was all about the decision she had just made.