“…I sometimes can’t forgive myself on what I’d already done and felt regret."

—Choi Seunghyun, Electric Love Tour Photobook.

The blind dates keep on coming. Seunghyun thought by not talking and driving away his last date, his mom will finally get the idea that he is not interested in jumping into a relationship. Instead of giving up, his mom gives her all in finding him a wife with a help from his sister.

He sighs loudly, fingers massaging his temple, suddenly craving for a smoke. His dry throat makes his toes curls, uncomfortable so he pulls at the collar of his shirt and clears his throat. Nail digging in his skin leaves his nerves prickling. It’s irritating. Tightening the curls of his fist, he strides forward slowly as his gaze lands on another painting.

“I’ve heard from your mother that you just got back from New York”

A sudden voice pulls him out from his trance. Seunghyun blinks once, twice as he turns around to look at the person next to him. The woman next to him is wearing a gentle smile, head slightly bowing down after a minute. As if she was feeling shy after being shot down with a sharp gaze from Seunghyun. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care.

Being completely engrossed in his own thoughts, Seunghyun almost forgot that he is actually not alone. The woman next to him was a blind date that his mother has set him up with. Her name is Kim Yura if he’s not mistaken. Roughly, their conversation was quite short and nothing important that Seunghyun could remember of. It was somewhere between quiet chatter, she has suggested to continue their date at the art gallery in Itaewon since Seunghyun’s love for art is widely known.

“What happened to your hand?”

“What?” Seunghyun dazedly asks, voice sounds a bit hoarse.

“Your hand, it’s bandaged. What happened to it?” The woman looks at his hand as she tucks her hair behind her ear. Seunghyun was told that she’s about five years younger than him but now looking at her up-close, she looks mature than Seunghyun expected. He looks down at his bandaged hand, thinking thoughtfully about how to answer this question.

“I accidentally hurt myself” Seunghyun answers briskly.

Kim Yura looks disappointed. He wasn’t sure if it was because of his nonchalant face or his short answer but Seunghyun decides to play dumb and drags his foot forward. He’s not here to please anyone. It’s bad enough that he has to come here unwilling. If it’s not because his mother plead, Seunghyun wouldn’t be here. His date didn’t say anything else, just nods her head in understanding. Seunghyun feels guilty for treating her half-heartedly, yet he couldn’t help it. His heart and mind is not here. It’s wandering far away than he could ever reach.

Looking back, Seunghyun realizes that it has been a really long time since he visited art galleries. He has been spending his time alone too much all these years. Seunghyun misses the time he visited art galleries with Jiyong. They often go to galleries Kyoto and around Kansai. He remembers that Jiyong was the one introduced him to Kusama Yayoi’s artworks. Seunghyun wonders if Jiyong still kept the painting Seunghyun used to buy for him as a present.

“Choi Seunghyun-ssi” Kim Yura calls out his name. Seunghyun just hums in response, shoes are still padding against the floor.

“I know that you don’t want to be here” Seunghyun halts his steps. He spins his feet around to face her, eyebrows creasing. The look on her face is unreadable, there’s a hint of resignation painted on it. Seunghyun gives her a look.

“But I sincerely like you” She steps forward, closer until Seunghyun could smell her sweet perfume. The scent is alluring, nice. Although, Seunghyun more prefers musky and spicy scent that he always smells on Jiyong. He shakes his head, this is not the time. Seunghyun presses his lips together as he waits for her next words. He watches as she reaches for his bandaged hand and holds it carefully with both of her hand.

“I hope you will give me a chance” the sparks in her eyes makes him freeze.

Seunghyun seizes back his hand in an instant. His breath stutters. It reminds him a lot of the time Jiyong confessed to him in the past. The similar look of desperation as Jiyong hung onto him. His heart tugs at the memory as he clenches his jaw.

Seunghyun doesn’t answer her.  

By the time Seunghyun sends Kim Yura off, he bumps into Jiyong at the gallery’s venue entrance. His heart has dropped instantly at the sight of Jiyong, at the end of the corner. He can see the other reading the brochure on his hand, brows knitted in concentration. His legs saunters forward as he follows Jiyong moving to look at another piece of painting. Seeing no one else next to Jiyong makes him sighs in relief, lips curling in a bow.  

Seunghyun then decides to follow behind Jiyong closely for the next ten minutes, gaze never fall far from watching Jiyong’s expression being fascinated and amused by the artworks. With a glass wall getting in between them, he pulls his hand and reaches out, fingers tracing the curve of other’s figure. Irony. They are just standing a couple feet from each other, yet Seunghyun can’t even touch him.

Seunghyun can see the other guy is busy tapping on the phone, smiling to himself. He wonders if things would turn out different if he had asked for forgiveness three years ago. Seunghyun wonders if they would be hand in hand at this moment, whispering intimately to each other and sharing opinions about the artworks.

It is until the next minute, Jiyong lifts his head from his phone and their eyes locks with each other. Seunghyun gulps down nervously before nodding his head in acknowledgement. There is the same genuine smile plasters on Jiyong’s lips and a rush of emotions boils up within him in an instant.

Jiyong’s smile will always be his weakness.

Seunghyun noticed this after experiencing the constant rapid heartbeats every time the other quietly looks at him in the eyes as the tip of his lips curls up. Jiyong told him that one of his friend’s birthday is getting closer so he wants to give the guy a bottle of wine as a present and asked for Seunghyun’s help to pick out the best one. Seunghyun knows he shouldn’t have let his guard down and let his hope soar up high. But he just can’t fight the selfishness inside him even though he will end up getting hurt. He let Jiyong dragged both of them to a wine store.

“I’ve been wanting to bring you here for a long time actually but never have a chance since you’re in New York. I remembered that you always posts pictures of wine bottle on Instagram in the past” Jiyong laughs, hand touching at the back of his neck.

“Ooh… Looks like someone missed me a lot” Seunghyun playfully poke on Jiyong’s cheek only to be slapped away lightly. Jiyong huffs and pouts, elbow nudging at Seunghyun’s rib.

“Don’t be too full of yourself. I’m just telling you because I’m glad that you’re here—together with me.” There is hesitation lace in his tone but nonetheless Seunghyun doesn’t feel less than satisfaction from the confession. Their eyes meet each other and Seunghyun feel warmth spreading across his cheek. Jiyong looks shy under his gaze, fidgeting from one foot to another, biting his lips.

“That’s nice to know that you’ve been thinking of me” Seunghyun grins, bumping their shoulders together. Jiyong looks up and smiles.

Seunghyun missed this. Along the way Seunghyun had travelled alone, he has forgotten how much he longs for both of them being playful and sincere to each other at the same time without hurtful words. Seunghyun missed the time when he could share every secret of his to Jiyong and the other would comfort him in return.

They ended up buying the most expensive wine in the store for Jiyong’s friend and before Seunghyun could fishes out his credit card, Jiyong grabs another bottle of wine. Seunghyun was about to ask for whom he’s buying until he recognized the label. Chateau Petrus 1988. He turns around only to find the other beaming brightly at him.

“For you”, Jiyong’s eyes twinkles as he takes out his black credit card and handing it to the cashier, “I saw how you’ve been sadly looking at it earlier. You look like you’re going to cry your eyes out so I figured why not buy you one since you helped me a lot” Seunghyun hums thoughtfully, eyes never leave the bottle.

Walking towards the exit, Seunghyun pulls the door and steps out, gesturing for Jiyong to walk out first. Jiyong is taken back at the gesture, chuckling in response, saying that Seunghyun is being ridiculous, though just ends playing along all the same as he says his thanks. Both of them heads out the wine store and walks down the street.

“Did you hurt yourself over a broken glass again, hyung?” Seunghyun doesn’t even realize that Jiyong has been staring at his bandaged hand.

“You know how I am, sometimes I can’t even stand straight when I’m drunk. And the wound is not that bad. Just a little bit of blood” Seunghyun weakly smiles as he tries hide his bandaged hand behind him. The tip of his ears reddens in embarrassment from being stared too long. It feels like he’s a child being scolded.

Suddenly, Jiyong stopped in front of him and holds out his hand. Seunghyun widens his eyes, clueless at the sudden action. He was not sure what Jiyong wants at first but then the shorter one nudges at his hand, Seunghyun burst into a fit of giggle. He nearly forgets that Jiyong is so unpredictable sometimes. With a grin etches on his lips, Seunghyun brings out his bandaged hand and puts it on top of Jiyong’s palm.

“Oh god, look at this. So messy” Jiyong stares him down, pouting, “You should’ve bandaged the cut firmly or else it won’t heal properly”

“I think I already did a good job though” his reply was quickly shot down with a sarcastic laugh.

“Rude” Seunghyun pinches Jiyong’s cheek as a punishment. Instead of a whine, Jiyong just cackles, eyes quietly focusing on the task in hand.

“Let me hold it for you” Seunghyun takes the paper bag from Jiyong’s hand as he saw Jiyong fumbles with it. He swallows thickly, taking the paper bag from Jiyong’s hand, fingers brushing against each other. The other guy returns him a smile. He tilts his head to the side. This sure does brings back a lot of memories, Seunghyun purses his lips in a tight line.

“Actually, you didn’t have to give me the wine, Jiyong. I’ve already had two boxes of wine made in 1988 back in my villa” Seunghyun says, gaze flicking to the wine bottle in his other hand.

“Woah, two boxes? It sounds like you’re collecting these wines, hyung” His stomach lurches when he realizes Jiyong’s face coming closer to his own as soon as he looks up. His breath catches in his throat. He can even smell the musky smell on Jiyong.

“I am. I’ve been collecting wine made in 1988 these past years actually. You could say that it’s one of my hobbies nowadays” His voice drops low. It’s not the first time they stand beside each other, but it is the closest Seunghyun has ever been next to Jiyong after three years. And this time, Seunghyun notices how gentle Jiyong holds his hand, carefully touching the bare skin as if afraid of hurting him.

“Really? Why 1988 though?” He also notices the way Jiyong bites his lips in concentration, brown orbs unblinking. Jiyong is wearing lip gloss. Seunghyun can still see it shining under the hot sun, his fingers are itching to smear it along his cheek.

Seunghyun takes a deep, steadying breath, boldly stepping forward slightly, “It reminds me of you”

There is a tense atmosphere hanging in the air. Seunghyun catches Jiyong’s eyes and he is not sure if he’s mistaken but he can see his own longing reflected in those brown orbs. Jiyong quickly opens his mouth as soon as Seunghyun steps in closer, pulling away his hands to keep inside his pocket.

“Done” Jiyong clears his throat, looking away. Seunghyun deflates a little, nonetheless didn’t forget to say his thanks. He curls and uncurls his bandaged hand in tight fist, calming himself. The bandage seems neater, firmer.

“Anyway, you should give her a call, hyung”

“Who?” Seunghyun spares Jiyong a look.

“The girl you’re seeing at the gallery earlier” Seunghyun almost drop the paper bag in his hand. Jiyong had seen him with Kim Yura earlier but he doesn’t bother to greet him. Why? Carefully, Seunghyun gives a brief of glance at the guy next to him before turns his heel and pads his feet forward.

“Why should I?” it comes off slightly offended, a bit harsh. Seunghyun had to force out the grin on his lips so it plasters a little longer than usual, his pace starting to get faster.

“She’s beautiful, tall and if your mom chooses her for you then she must be quite a catch. Mother’s intuition is never wrong” Seunghyun scoffs, doesn’t appreciate Jiyong’s interest in his love life.

“You want me to date her?” Seunghyun asks. Something about what comes off from the younger’s mouth stabs through his heart. Seeds of angry and disappointment takes root in the corner of his stomach.

“Of course, hyung. You’re handsome, she’s pretty. Who knows she might be the one” Seunghyun halts in his track and Jiyong nearly bumps into his back, nearly fall into his arms but he steps back as if he’s conscious of the lack of distance between them. Jiyong straightens up himself and shoots a warm smile towards him, eyes full of mischief.

“And what’s with all of these questions? You sound like you don’t even want to date her” The grin etches on Jiyong’s lips flutters and breaks his heart at the same time.

“I don’t” he wanted to say it upfront right in front of Jiyong. His tongue is itching to say that all he ever wants is Jiyong, the main purpose he came back was to fight for his love after all. He’s tired of pretending but at the same time, he doesn’t want to scare Jiyong off. A small sad smile bent itself on Seunghyun’s lips.

“Sure, I’ll give her a call tonight”

Somewhere down deep in his heart, Seunghyun wonders if it’s just fate playing on them.

“Can’t wait to see you too” Seunghyun speaks with a straight face, eyes barely blinking. Even the roll of his tongue feels weird. He wishes it comes out ecstatic even if it sounds forced. Seunghyun doesn’t want to break any hearts anymore but then he is not even trying.

He ends the call in haste with an excuse that he is late for a meeting. It is not a surprise when a disappointed tone bid him goodbye in return. I love you, she says and Seunghyun can imagine her looking at him with sparkling eyes, soft smile splays across her pretty face. His throat clogs up because he doesn’t know what else to say. That’s when he pressed the button and ends it right then without a trace of guilt.

Seunghyun turns around and steps inside the YG building. He bumps into Teddy on the elevator, the guy clads in his hoodie and cap as usual but the frown on his face, makes Seunghyun falters in his steps. He steps in nonetheless, greets the guy with a smile.

“You’re here to see Jiyong” the statement sounds bitter in his ear. Seunghyun looks up and nods.

“Is he in the studio?” Seunghyun asks, Teddy doesn’t answer him, only staring at his shoes.

“Have you heard of the rumors?” Teddy asks him instead, Seunghyun is a bit hesitant what to answer because he is afraid that Teddy knows.

“I did” Seunghyun decides that it’s probably the best that he should be honest with the guy.

There is a weird rumour going around YG’s building. About a rise of conflict in Jiyong’s relationship when his wedding is in just a few months. Some says that it is because a third person, others argued that it just merely a blind rumour made up by a reporter. Seunghyun never cares about rumours before, didn’t even put the faith in it but this time, he can feel a spirit in him lightens up.

The elevator dings once it stopped at 4th floor and Teddy walks out. Suddenly, he turns around and pushes the button, stopping the elevator from closing. Poorly hidden concern flashes in Teddy’s gaze as he stares. Seunghyun raises his eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know what you’re doing. Just—don’t do anything stupid” that was the last thing Teddy said before he lets go of the button and the door closing slowly. Seunghyun huffs, leaning back against the elevator once the words dawn on him.

Teddy is not a fool. He probably knows with what intention Seunghyun comes to see Jiyong. He admits it, he has been hoping for their relationship to crack. It is awful to win Jiyong when he is weak at heart and lost. He knows that. Yet, Seunghyun thinks that is the only chance that he can get to win Jiyong back again. Seunghyun needs Jiyong.

He is taking his chance now.

Seunghyun knocks on the door for a couple of times and meets nothing more than a silence so he decides to push the door opens slowly, peeking through the slit and sees a small body curls on the couch. He shakes his head at this and makes his way towards the body, crouching at Jiyong’s face level.

He smiles at the sight of Jiyong’s furrowed eyebrows. Jiyong has dark circles under his eyes, skin so pale that makes Seunghyun wonders if the guy has been taking care of himself or if his fiancée has been watching over him these days. Jiyong looks wears out more than ever, he even got black marker stained on his left cheek and Seunghyun bet the younger one doesn’t even knows how it got there.

“And here I thought I’m the only one who’s still living with bad habits” Seunghyun chuckles, hands reaching out to push away bangs from his eyes. His fingers fleeting over the curve of his jaw, thumb grazing on the apple cheek for few seconds and wipes at the marker stain gently. The younger’s squirms at the touch, stretching out his body on the couch.

“Ugh, my back” Jiyong croaks, eyes squinting from the bright light, “, hyung!”Jiyong stands upright quickly the moment he registers Seunghyun’s face up close.

“You’re up?” Seunghyun moves back and leans against the desk, folding his arms on his chest.

“God, you’re creeping me out. What are you doing here?” Jiyong digs the heels of his palm on his eye, groaning in discomfort. He his dry lips before opening his eyes, looking up to Seunghyun with his half-lidded eyes.

“I wanted to see you. Can’t I?” Jiyong just shrugs his shoulders.

“You can but you’ve been hanging here a lot these days. Aren’t you busy with your movies?” Jiyong his lips again, pushing his hair to the back. Seunghyun darts his gaze from Jiyong to the scribbles of writing across the paper splays on the desk.  

“Nope. I got a couple of days off” Seunghyun sheepishly smiles. It’s a white lie but Jiyong doesn’t have to know that.

It’s true, he’s been busy than ever, doing promotions at the film festivals and fan meeting for his movie and supposedly, he has a meeting with the directors and casts for future planning but Seunghyun excused himself early, saying that he’s been sick these few days and faked couples of coughs here and there. They didn’t probe further, just wishing him to get well soon.

“Well, lucky you, Mr. Choi Actor. And here I am, busy sleeping in a recording room” Jiyong yawns loudly and stands up. Seunghyun didn’t miss the full display of skin exposed under his shirt as he stretches his arms over his head, bending right and left. He swallows.

“Hyung, you’re staring” Jiyong states shyly, pulling his shirt down and pouts. He covers his blushed cheeks with the back of his hand.

“Sorry, can’t help it. It’s just you look so funny with the marker stain on your cheek” Seunghyun coughs an embarrassed laugh and ruffles his hair. Jiyong’s hands shoot up within a flash and scrubs at his cheeks urgently, cheeks turns rosy in seconds.

“Is it still there?” Jiyong asks, voice squeaking.

Seunghyun nods and taps the right side of his face, “You missed it” Jiyong frowns grow deeper and rubs his left cheek in exasperation.

“Clean?” Jiyong looks at Seunghyun. The taller guy comes closer which draws Jiyong to lean back slightly.

“Nope. Still there” Seunghyun shakes his head, index finger tapping on his lips. “Just, right here” Seunghyun circles around the curve of his left cheek near his corner lips.

“Oh god, is it a permanent pen marker? Why the hell it’s not coming out?” Jiyong grumbles under his breath but Seunghyun heard him loud enough, biting back his tongue from laughing.

“Please tell me it’s gone already” Jiyong huffs.

“Hmm… not quite” Seunghyun scoots forward, eyes squinting as he invades Jiyong’s space while the other guy grows flustered.

“Maybe if I just do this…” His tongue darts out to coat saliva at his thumb and he can see the other’s eyes turns larger at that. Grabbing Jiyong by the neck, Seunghyun slides his knee between the skinny legs, trapping the guy before he can escape.

“Ew, no. God, no. Hyung!” Jiyong shrieks in disgusts as soon as Seunghyun rubs his cheeks with the slimy thumb. His eyes shuts close in disgusts.

“There, you go. Clean and clear as baby’s butts” Seunghyun bursts in a fits of chuckle after he said that, tapping on the younger’s clean cheek.

“Meanie bastard” Jiyong opens his eyes and glares, wiping his wet cheek with his sleeve. Yet, his face quickly frowns when he registers that Seunghyun’s saliva is going to stick on his shirt throughout the day.

“Actually” Seunghyun starts after he regains his breath once again, grinning, “Nothing’s there. I already wiped it when you’re sleeping”

“Seunghyun hyung!” Jiyong hits on his arm and Seunghyun laughs even louder, holding his stomach.

But the playful hit doesn’t stay long  because Seunghyun’s contagious laugh hit Jiyong all the same, ending with both of them laughing together, eyes pooling with tears of joy. He wondered if those eyes will crinkle brightly at his fiancée the same way as it does to Seunghyun. That day, Seunghyun had his biggest laugh after a long time.

“Let’s get some food down the street” Seunghyun suddenly announces, crashing through the recording room. He slides on the couch next to Jiyong.

“I’m not too sure about that. Hyunsuk hyung probably doesn’t like the idea and the last thing I want is to be caught by those leech reporters” Jiyong wags his finger at Seunghyun.

“We won’t. It’s 3 in the morning. Who the hell is awake aside from us? Don’t you miss the time when we’re trainees, walking around the city eating street food?” there’s still hesitation found in Jiyong’s face. Seunghyun places his hand on Jiyong’s inner thigh and shakes it lightly.

“Come on. It’ll be fun. Remember the tteobeokki food stall that was replaced by the French restaurant down the street? I got its new address and even asked them to open especially for us. You like those, didn’t you?”

“Oh god, I almost forgot that you have this adventurous side of you” Jiyong shakes his head in disbelieve, grinning back at Seunghyun.

And Seunghyun takes it as an approval, grabbing Jiyong’s hand and lead them out of the room.

The rumours still have yet to die down even after two weeks. Not when Jiyong’s fiancée’s lack of presence inside YG’s building. And definitely not with Jiyong keeps on missing with Seunghyun to go on whatever escapade their brain decided to pop up with. Seunghyun didn’t ask Jiyong about his missing in action’s fiancée and did not even plan to pry about the status of his relationship.

As soon as they finished eating, both of them decided to stroll down the empty street to get a breath of fresh air. It begins to rain heavily when they were walking passed by the corner of the street. Taking off his coat, Seunghyun puts it over Jiyong’s head and pulls the younger’s wrist.

They manage to run under a closed shop, near a construction site that seemed to be pretty much abandoned. The street is empty. Jiyong takes out his phone and plays his music playlist. He hands Seunghyun one of the earphone. Both of them hums the song together and sometime sings out loud. Jiyong’s head fell on Seunghyun unconsciously as his eyelids close. Seunghyun lets him be, pulling Jiyong’s cap lower so it could block any light from disturbing his sleep.

Sudde