“The most difficult thing is myself. I don’t understand what type of person I am. I don’t know what I want or what I’m thinking.” 
—Choi Seung Hyun, Cosmo China 2016

Stepping into the Incheon International Airport alone makes Seunghyun feels strange. Odd. It feels like a long time since he comes back to Korea, his country, a place he is supposed to call home. He can hear a loud screaming of fans barricade along the tape barrier with banners of his name in hand, a few of camera lenses wedge between people and there are even several fans holding up his latest movie poster, The Criminal. His manager holds him by the shoulder, ushering him towards the exit with a couple of bodyguards standing by the side, clearing a way for him.

Seunghyun halts in his steps as he spots a fangirl holding out a Bigbang’s light stick, wildly waving it in the midst of air. He smiles at her. It brings a lot of memories flooding back through his mind, remembering the time he used to being crowded in airport together along with the other members. It is warm seeing there are still many fans supporting him despite his long absence in Korea. It has been almost three years after all since Bigbang disbands and soon after that, Seunghyun had decided to continue paving his path as an actor. A bitter taste lingers at the tip of his tongue. He ducks down his head from the intense flashing cameras. His hand curls around the handle tight and drags the luggage along with him.

He glances at his watch. There are two hours more until the press conference. Seunghyun pulls his sunglasses to rub on his temples. He lets his chin rests on his palm. Eyes lingering outside the window, watching people casually walk across the city, body stuffed in furry coats due to decrease in temperature. There are pairs of couples laughing their heart out, hand in hand, a single mom with a child and a guy walking with a dog trailing behind. The picture makes his heart aches.

Seoul has changes a lot. It feels like visiting a foreign country. The food stall he used to pay visits three years ago is no longer there, was replaced by a French restaurant. The road back home feels immensely awkward. He opens the window and sticks out his hand on the other side, trying to reach for the overwhelming feeling, only to pull back as only mixture of emptiness clutches to his chest. The sense familiarity has disappeared. It’s not there.

Seunghyun quickly stuffs his hand in his pocket once he remembers something and drags out his mobile phone. As soon as he switches on his phone, several notifications drop in and Seunghyun finds himself smiling. He scrolls through the notifications. Smile faltering slightly. He stares hard at his phone, going through every unread message and missed calls.

Some of them are from his mother, telling him to give her a call if he’s arrived, and there is a few from Seungri, the company, Daesung and Youngbae.  Almost everyone has contacted him, except for one. He blinks, mouth trembling a little as he ponders. Sighing heavily, his fingers lightly tap against the screen, notifying everyone that he’s finally back in Korea. Seunghyun drops his head low and wonders silently if he’s making the right decision to come back here.

The members have agreed to meet at the new sushi restaurant located in Gangnam, specially recommended by Seungri. It is known that the owner is a close friend of Seungri from Japan. It is only a little past 9 but Seungri already had his second drink by the time Seunghyun arrived. The younger one is loud as usual, smiling as Seunghyun slides next to him, pulling him in a hug. Daesung is grinning from ear to ear and says that Youngbae is probably going to be late because he has to meet producers for his upcoming solo album. He nods in understanding, eyes discreetly wandering around every corners of the room.

Four napkins settle prettily across the table catches his attention, he bits his lower lip. Seunghyun considers for a moment, fingers pulling at the collar when a waiter comes approaching their table. Skimming through the menu, his eyes lands on a picture of tuna sushi and Seunghyun taps his finger on the picture. His throat tightens.

He recalls that one time he and Jiyong flew together to Osaka. They had gone to a Japanese bar as soon as they arrived in Japan. The two of them were full of glees that night, knees knocking into each other as they laughed. He could remember how the younger’s eyes brightened under the dim light when Seunghyun placed sashimi in his plate. It was absurd how they can finish fifty-one plates by themselves. Sushi has always been their favourite, their own thing.

He hears Daesung orders Sushi Premium platter and Chef’s special menu for them. He returns the menu without ordering anything. Seungri adds Beef Udon for four people a bit later and Seunghyun swallows down water in one-shot. It tastes bitter, like a disappointment.

“Congrats on your new movie, hyung! I’ve watched it last week and it’s really good” Daesung quips, clinking their cups altogether. Seunghyun laughs at his enthusiasm and mutter his thanks. Youngbae, who had arrived thirty minutes later, nods in agreement.

“Did you cry at the end?” Seunghyun sips from his cup before picking up his chopsticks back again. He munches on a sushi he stole from Seungri’s plate. The latter had whined in return.

“Nope. Do I have to?” Daesung answers, blinking his eyes repeatedly just to annoy him. This kid. Senghyun scowls and quickly curls his arm around to pull the younger into a headlock. Youngbae just shakes his head at the sight of them playing around as he finishes the last bit of his noodles, smiling.

“We were so surprised at your acting. Seriously, you improved a lot, hyung” Seungri says, grinning. Seunghyun lets go of Daesung and rubs on his arm in comfort, humming. Does Seungri mean we as in the three of them only or Youngbae, Daesung, Seungri and Jiy—Seunghyun shakes his head. He ignores at the way his stomach lurched.

Sometime after they finished their dinner, Seunghyun decides to spill the question that’s been teetering on his lips. “How’s Jiyong?”

The silence prolonged for a moment as if they were taken a back. Youngbae stares hard on his cup and Seungri looks away. Only Daesung gives him a smile, a faint one though and Seunghyun is starting to wonder if they were planning to avoid from talking about their leader the whole night. His stomach twists, feeling dreadful in a sudden.

“Jiyong hyung” Daesung starts in a careful tone but Seungri touches his arm lightly with a shake of head. It makes Seunghyun smile.

Jiyong has been someone special to Seungri after all so it is normal for him to feel protective of his beloved leader. He remembers that one time Hyunsuk hyung used to lash out at Seungri for breaking the company’s protocol. Jiyong had pulled the poor boy in a hug, held his hands even as he defended Seungri. They have always got each other’s back for whatever happens. Seunghyun is jealous of their relationship, he wishes he could have one like that.

But he had been too selfish, too self-centred.

“Jiyong has been busy, as usual. The YG’s girl group is making a comeback soon. You know how Hyunsuk hyung depends on him a lot” Youngbae said, his voice is warm as if consoling.

“You should come to his new café in Itaewon, it’s really gorgeous”

The guy pours him a drink in his empty cup and Seunghyun watches Youngbae’s eyes curls in a crescent shape. The gaze is still the same as years ago except there are wrinkles at the end of his eyes and eye bags, traces of exhaustion from sleepless night. Seunghyun thinks of whether Jiyong still looks the same as three years ago or did he change somehow. He wanted to pry even more but Seungri had shoved drinks in his face so he forgets his intention and downed the drink in one go.

They continue chatting about Seungri’s recent variety program where he’s the main MC for local television show, alongside with Jung Hyungdon. Seunghyun is glad to see Seungri has finally established a place in their country. He laughs a little too loudly when Daesung talks about how Seungri used to loiter around girl group’s waiting room every time they’re promoting for music show.

It was a good time.

Before the clock strikes one in the morning, Youngbae decided to part ways and go home. Seungri was too full of giggles and Daesung can barely comprehend any word then so Seunghyun just nodded his head dazedly. It was when Youngbae’s the only left in the room that Seunghyun managed to mount courage and asked for Jiyong’s number. The guy drew up a confused eyebrow at his request.

“I have—I’ve tried to call him but apparently he changed his number” Seunghyun calmly explains that he can’t reach Jiyong’s old number because no matter how many times he tried, his calls would be left unanswered. Seunghyun runs through his dark locks frustratingly.

At first, Youngbae seems a bit hesitant but then he gives an encouraging pat on his shoulder upon slipping Jiyong’s number under Seunghyun’s palm, unreadable smile fixes on his face.

“He still didn’t know that you’re back. I—We think that you guys should talk” Youngbae pauses as if constructing his words into something better to hear. He just shrugs his shoulder and squeezes on Seunghyun’s shoulder firmly.

“Give him a call. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear from you” Youngbae mumbles before he pulls out his car from the parking lot. Seunghyun considers on what he should reply to that. Instead, he settles with a smile and asks Youngbae to send his regards to Min Hyorin. The guy just chuckles in reply and waves his hand out from the car window.

The night is getting late and the darkness is looming over him makes his head spins. When he walks into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, a bright yellow note plastered on his fridge makes him turn for a second look. Seunghyun squints his eyes. Your mom came to my place today. She asked me to give you the side dishes. You should have told her about us, the message reads.

Seunghyun covers his face with his palms, he totally forgot about that. Just from the clean and neat writing, he figures that it’s probably from Lee Hyemi. He adores her pretty writing, it reminds him of her beauty. Seunghyun finds several side dishes handmade by his mom stacked in his fridge, silently reminding himself to thank Lee Hyemi and also to give his mother a call tomorrow. Quenching his thirst with water, he decides not to bother cleaning up and leaves the glass in the counter. He’s too drunk for that.

Seunghyun is back in his room, sitting at the edge of his bed with Jiyong’s numbers fiddles in his hands. He has too much drink tonight and thinks that his stomach is probably getting upset from all the drinks because Seunghyun feels sick. Something is eating him from inside as he stares at the scrawled numbers. He feels like throwing up. He shouldn’t have asked for Jiyong’s numbers, he should have thrown the card in the dustbin and stopped thinking altogether.

Seunghyun enters the numbers and calls.

His heart falls in a discomfort when he was greeted with the monotone voice. He doesn’t give up, continues trying his luck. It was two in the morning when he attempted his full seventh rings. He chews on his lower lips when there’s a click, his heartbeat increases per second. 

“Hello” A familiar rumble of voice rasps out low, laces with sleep. It makes his heart flutters. He swallows down thickly and wonders if Jiyong knows that it’s Seunghyun’s calling, wonders if Jiyong still has the heart to save his number despite what happened between them.

“Hello?” Jiyong repeats.

Seunghyun presses the receiver even tighter against his cheek. He feels like tearing up hearing his voice. He closes his eyes firm and concentrates on the sound of the other guy’s breathing. It takes a moment for Seunghyun to realize that he’s been holding his breath all this time. He opens his mouth, only figures that he isn’t sure where to start.

“Hello. Who’s this?” Jiyong croaks weakly, starting sounding like he’s irritated. The guy really hates to be bothered during his sleep beyond everything.

Seunghyun can picture Jiyong with his eyebrows creased, hairs dishevelled and eyes drowsy from the sleep. At some other time, Jiyong would bites on his crooked nail along with insistent feet tapping. His heart swells at this. He is not sure when they stopped talking but at one point, they just did. Seunghyun quickly bites on his tongue and ends the call. Tossing the phone away, he curls further under his cold blanket and stares at the empty wall as he feels something welling in his eyes.

He ends up staying up all night.

The evening is calm and cold. Seunghyun decided to spend the rest of his day by attending the company’s dinner. At first he was planning to decline the invitation to dinner but when he heard that it is going to be a welcoming party for him, Seunghyun agreed to come. It will be rude of him not to come.

He is wearing a black buttoned-up shirt with a tux for the formal occasion. He joins Teddy across the room as soon as he enters the hall. Teddy has his arm around Han Yeseul’s waist as they talked together along with one of YG’s producer. She pulls away from his arm and excuses herself to talk to her friends and Teddy just smiles widely. Han Yeseul is a sweetheart. Teddy is very lucky to have her as a partner and Seunghyun thinks it is a plus that both of them complement each other.

“When are you going to propose to her?” Seunghyun asks quietly when it was just both of them in the corner of the room, nudging towards Han Yeseul who has a palm covering as she giggles. Teddy quirks an eyebrow at him, looking surprised.

“You didn’t know? I already did, you idiot” this time Seunghyun’s the one who throws a startling look at the older guy.

“I proposed to her last summer during our trip to Europe. She agreed, of course. We’ve already discussed about the wedding preparation with our parents. The date has yet to be finalized but we figures that the sooner is better” Teddy explains and Seunghyun feels left out in a sudden, lowering his gaze to looks at his pointy shoes.

A tiny bit of disappointment clings to his chest because Teddy is an old friend, an emotional support. He should have been there beside him cheering together about the news. He has been with Seunghyun from his pre-debut era so he feels a bit sad that he couldn’t share the happiness. He stares as his knuckles turns white when his grip curls in a tight fist.

“I guess I’m the last one to congratulate you, huh” Seunghyun speaks, voice quieter than before. Teddy shoots him an affectionate gaze and smiles.

“Hey, don’t feel too bad. As long as you compensate with an expensive wedding gift, I don’t mind. But make sure you come to our wedding” He hits on Seunghyun’s back playfully, smirking. Seunghyun just snorts and both of them laugh.

“I bet your wedding will be dubbed as the wedding of the year” Seunghyun says but Teddy is quick to dismiss his words with a slight wave of hand.

“I doubt it” he shrugs with a knowing smile. It looks suspicious. As if he is hinting something that Seunghyun doesn’t know.

Seunghyun is about to ask what does Teddy meant by that but then a small commotion at the entrance steals his attention. The group of girls standing not far from them, which he assumes to be the uprising YG’s girl group whispers among themselves.  His heart picks up his pace, mind whirling in anticipation as he waits.

“Jiyong, here” Teddy gestures towards them and Seunghyun stuns, not sure what to do.

Right from the corner of his eyes, Seunghyun could spot Jiyong saunters through the entrance fashionably with a black jacket. There are fireworks, somewhere inside him. His inner self is screaming at him, yelling at him to ignore his feelings and just walk away because that’s what he is supposed to do, it’s what he had planned to do if he ever meet the Jiyong. He’s not ready. It’s not the time yet. Nonetheless, he could only managed to stare dumbly as soon as the guy settles in front of him, silently thinking if he is day-dreaming like he would always do, a dream that he is afraid to let go.

“Hyung” Jiyong calls him.  A lump suddenly forms in his throat, the air is getting thinner.

Seunghyun blinks twice at that moment, gulping down his saliva. The man who is staring back at him is a brother, a best friend and most of all, Kwon Jiyong was a boyfriend. A former boyfriend if he could address him properly. The guy whom Seunghyun had managed to shatter his heart apart, the same guy he left hanging for three years. It hurts. Every part of him is aching badly, letting out a gasp that's subtle to ears.

“Jiyong” his tongue rolls. Even saying his name makes Seunghyun’s knees go weak.

Those soft lock of hairs that Seunghyun used to run with his fingers has grown longer. Jiyong’s hair is black now without any hair dye, it makes him looks younger than usual. His heart swells. It reminds Seunghyun a lot of the time when they were trainees, when they were busy chasing dreams, eyes full of greed and passion. Back then, it’s just them against the world, side by side.

“You’re back” his gaze is warm. Seunghyun notices the guy’s voice sounds different, rougher and manlier if he could describe it precisely. He has changed, a train of thought plays through his mind.

For a moment, it seems like there is only two of them in the centre of hall, standing in front each other. It is overwhelming. The feelings are coming up and Seunghyun feels like nineteen years old again. Young, lost and vulnerable. A hint of exhaustion could be seen on Jiyong’s face because dark circles under his eyes are obvious. The pair of brown orbs meets his eyes. As if they just met yesterday which they did not, as if nothing happened but the fact that something did happened makes him shy away in embarrassment.

“Excuse me for a moment” he quickly says, ducking his head.

Seunghyun tries his hardest to steady a smile across his lips and turns his heels around. Teddy doesn’t bother saying anything and just nods in understanding. Seunghyun doesn’t dare to look at Jiyong. He chooses to steer his way towards Daesung instead. He eats, drinks and listens to Daesung’s rants quietly. In some other time, Seunghyun finds himself grabbing onto the younger’s hand and thumbs at the pulse of his wrist. His body is there but his mind wanders somewhere else.

Seunghyun avoids Jiyong for the rest of the evening.

It was confusing what they had in the past. They were young, reckless and insufferably confused when it happened. Seunghyun cannot recall on how it began or who started it. The only thing could remember was the lingering taste of cheap beer on his tongue and the faint smell of sweat. It was vague, like a dream, fragment memories of them sluggishly tumbling inside the cramped cubicle in drunken state.

The incident was nothing special. Jiyong had his kneels against the dirty floor to tug on Seunghyun’s hard member. The pace was frantic, and Seunghyun was breathless, panting, barely cared about anything else aside from chasing his . It was hazy, blurry and Jiyong was giggling when Seunghyun came. He had pulled a wide smile, revealing a set of crooked teeth, the same smile gracing his lips whenever he was feeling a bit too joyful and Seunghyun’s breath hitched that moment. 

He had kissed Jiyong that night for the first time. Jiyong’s lips were warm and plush against him and when Seunghyun coaxed for entrance with his tongue, Jiyong only pulled him closer as an invitation. The boy shuddered against him when Seunghyun placed his hands on the slim hips carefully, half-lidded eyes staring back at him. It felt right.

But Seunghyun just had a painful break up with his girlfriend. It was not supposed to happen because they were drunk and he has been crying his eyes for weeks. Jiyong deserved more than being a ing rebound. It was impulsive and selfish of him so Seunghyun had created a distance between them to pull up his pants, mumbling incoherent apology which later echoing through the walls. Seunghyun thought he saw hurt inflicted in Jiyong’s eyes but the smile on Jiyong’s face was bright. He blamed the alcohol whirling through his mind that he can’t think clearly.

They took a cab later that night. Seunghyun doesn’t think much about how Jiyong kept his arms over his head and he looked away, staring at the stars in the sky instead. The ride back to the dorm was heavy and stifling with both of them sitting on the other end. It was a sign. Jiyong was expecting something more from him, Seunghyun should have known then. He didn’t.

For years, relationship between both of them is oddly strange. Unidentified.

Jiyong always has a special place in his heart and Seunghyun has long acknowledged that. Seunghyun has considered him as childhood friends he would hang around and share common interests with, a spoiled little brother that he never have and even as a family member that Seunghyun would lean on whenever he have a hard time, but lovers though—has never crossed through his mind.

They used to share lingering looks across the room, warm palm pressing on thighs once in a while, and maybe warm arms draped over shoulder to pull each other closer. But that was it. Seunghyun doesn’t really consider anything special between Jiyong and him. He’d never spare of thought of possibilities so when Daesung questioned him whether they are lovers, Seunghyun didn’t even hesitate in shaking his head, saying no they’re not, lips curled wide as he’d taken Daesung’s words in a joking manner.

“Stop looking at me like that” Seunghyun had warned Jiyong one night when they both were left alone, standing outside at the rooftop.

His voice was slightly shaky that night despite the sharp glare, sounding unmistakably angry and afraid at the same time. He had always believed himself as a wise, composed man. He doesn’t fall for temptation and would always avoid from