A story of years ago. I was still a part of them; everything they stand for. The word 'forever' works like magic; like fireworks in a dark, empty sky. That's what they were to me. That's what they are to me. Especially her. 

Kim Taeyeon

          The first meeting was rather awkward. There were no sparks nor attraction, it was more like just a new friend introduction where we exchange names, age, and relentlessly get along. At first, I leaned more towards the maknaes because they were young. They kinda looked like they needed help with everything, though it turned out I was the one with the most problem. And Taeyeon --- I could say that she was closer to Sunny and Sooyoung. But I guess, some people feels more comfortable with certain people than they do with others. Maybe we were like that. Maybe we just played along and followed the flow.

Kim

          Both Kims made a very strong impression even before we debuted. Hyoyeon was known as a freaking monster when it comes to dancing. She can pop, lock, hip, hop, wave, anything we would find rather time consuming to learn, she'd execute them with flying colors. Yuri can dance too but there's just something about the Kim that makes her stand out a little bit more. Taeyeon on the other hand, well, she can sing. She can't sing well. She can't sing good. She can't just sing. Kim Taeyeon sings like an angel. Yeah she was always on the top rank, yeah she could naturally convey various emotions through her singing, yeah she can hit those impossibly high notes without effort. I know that. I spent almost everyday of vocal training with her. I spent those days listening and absorbing her voice. Learning her ways of singing. How she breathes. Why? Because people around has been saying that our voices blend like PB&J. Or the clouds and the sky. Strawberries and chocolate. That our voices were meant to be. So they put us together and boom! They call it magic. They call it perfection. But unbeknownst to the both of us, we felt more. To us, we didn't just sing. We didn't just blend. We weren't just PB&J, or clouds and sky, or strawberries and chocolate. We shared emotions. Through every song, through every harmony, every effort put into those notes making them sound like the so called perfection. We felt more. More than we ever dared to bargain. 

Taeyeon

          After debut, we still spend vocal sessions together, in the same room. Doing the exact same thing. But now it's different. Remember when I said she sings like an angel? Well lately, I see her like one. Not all the time. It kinda just happened one time during a concert. She hit a high note. And at that exact second, it was as if everything went dark and there was one light from above on her. Only her. Like the ones we usually see in the movies when the hero sees nothing but the heroin? Impossible? Yeah trust me, I didn't believe myself either, not at first. 

Taengoo

          After every practice, every perfomance, we got closer. The two oldest member. Just one month apart. Sooyoung once made a statement saying Taeyeon and I were carrying each other around, which was true. We were like glue. You can see it in every variety shows. I always sat next to her. I was always in the same team as she was, well at the time it was easier since they divided the group to 4:5. The short group and the tall group. I liked that. The system. Because she was there. Now that I think about it, maybe I liked it too much. Maybe I liked her too much. We were inseparable, they said. I even gave her a nickname. Taengoo. For awhile, I was the only one while everyone else called her Tae. But then Tiffany came in the picture and gave her another nickname. Taetae. Its not that I didn't like Tiffany. I actually really really like her. I just felt disturbed. I didn't even know there was a picture to be disturbed. 

Tae

          3 years after debut, 2011. Our friendship was stronger than ever. With all the concerts going on. And the sailing ship. The fans loved us. 'Taengsic Forever' would be on a huge pink banner. I loved that. Taengsic. On Christmas Eve, Taeyeon pulled me out to our balcony. She was wearing a red sweater with cute little plushies pajama pants, a red nose and a reindeer headband. I asked her whats up. Instead of answering, she hugged me. I melted like butter and hugged her back. We pulled away and she looked nervous. So I held her face, looked her in the eyes, Goddddd those eyes. I asked, "What's wrong, Taengoo ya?" She smiled and pulled me in for another one of her hugs. "Merry Christmas Jung Sooyeon. Thanks for everything. Thanks for being there whenever, wherever. Thanks for always giving me chances to explain myself, for being impossibly understanding. Thanks for warming up to me.", she said warming my heart a bit more. "I love you Jung Sooyeon.", she whispers. Without any hesitation, I said I love you back. But she pulled away. "No, I love you.", she said, pressing every syllable. I smiled my Taeyeon-smile, a thing the members said that was only reserved for the one and only Kim Taeyeon. "Yeah, and I love you too", this time, I pulled her in for a hug but she stopped me. "No. I love you. A lot. I love you Sica ya." Then it hit me. She loves me. Not in a way anyone expected. I hoped but I didn't expect. So at exactly 00:00, 25th December 2011, with no worries, I loved her back. I loved her back with every neutrons in me. I loved her back thinking she'd love me always.

Taetae

          But I wasn't stupid to think that our journey would be a smooth one. Naturally, there were ups and downs. And ours might be steeper because well, we were idols, we were both girls. At first there were soft arguments between us nine. This is stupid. Are you sure? How? Since when? I don't agree, not now. And some a little bit harsher. Are you ing kidding me? Why the hell would you guys decide on this alone? Don't we mean anything to you? Forever together, my . A few months went by and eventually every member gave us their blessings. I was stupid though, to think that there's no other bigger obstacles after this. Because after that, Taeyeon became very conscious. She was afraid. Through those early months, she broke down. She forgot she had her duty as a leader. One mistake and everyone suffers. I did comfort her saying, 'its all gonna be okay'. It worked. But not a hundred percent. My words to her ears weren't as magical as hers to mine. And it showed. She would avoid me on stage. But I understood her. I decided I was going to be a help not a burden. So I played along. But in 2013, she got even more scared. Even the fans noticed. The pink banner of us lessened, she'd stand at the end of the line, away from me. Even in the dorms, when no one was looking, she looked uncomfortable. She didn't look for me no more. She didn't seek out for me with her problems anymore. Until one day I figured out why. Taetae, let's go. Taetae, are you okay? Taetae, here. Your meds. Taetae, eat. Taetae, wait for me. Tiffany. Everything boiled down to her. That's the only logical reason. 

Taeyeon

          2014, I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't have to say it, but we were done for. No interactions whatsoever. A 'hi' became a blessing. A question was like a thousand words. That's how hard we sunk. She looked happy. The hope of being a help was garbage. All along, I was a burden. I never meant to be that. I just couldn't see it. No, she didn't cheat. No, Tiff won't do that to me. Plus she's straight. But I saw it. And I confronted her for it.

"Taeyeon ah..."

"Taeyeon ah..."

This is how it usually goes. A one sided conversation. Nothing new.

"Taeyeon ah, I have something to say. Please once, look at me. Talk to me." 

She looked at me. Sitting silently at the end of her bed, her back against the walls of her headboard. Sighing. Out of relief? Or exasperation? Or is it exhaustion? I don't know.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, I don't know where we went wrong, but I'm sorry."

I didn't plan this but a tear escaped my horrible, tired eyes. What I didn't expect was for her to react to it. Taeyeon, who has been seen immune to all of me, scooted closer, asking what's wrong, trying to grab me, and successfully wrapping her warmth around me. I wanted to stay like that. I wanted to. But I didn't come here for that. I came to stop. Because I can't. And because she couldn't. So I pulled away almost too quick. I looked into her eyes. Still, they were not hers. At least not how I remembered them to be.

Kim Taeyeon

          Her eyes? They don't look the same no more. They see someone else. Her voice? Still gives me those butterflies. But they no longer search for me. The magic, the perfection was still there, but now, its not something essential like it was years ago. We were rare before. Now, we're nearly impossible. As if PB&J is no longer delicious, the clouds no longer need the sky, or chocolate and strawberries taste just fine without each other.

Kim Taeyeon without Jung Sooyeon is not something terrible. Not for her.

"I can't do this, Kim Taeyeon." I burst out, my eyes filling to the brim with tears. Tears of pain, regret, shame.

Her eyes were looking around at everything in the dark room but mine.

"What?"

She acted like she didn't know when I knew she did. Everyone knew. I shook my head and looked up the dark ceiling of her room to keep myself from crying.

"I can't watch you look at her like that. I can't watch you love her like that, Kim Taeyeon."

"Like what?" She asked.

I looked into her brown eyes. Those eyes that were once mine. A tear trickled down my cheek because I knew they stopped looking at me the way they now looked at her.

"Like she's everything you've ever wanted." I whispered. 

Now, they're gone. She's gone. Or at least that's what I thought. I thought enough with the pain, enough with the hurt. Don't kill yourself. So I left. Leaving everyone, even those who were innocent behind. Convincing them that I no longer need them; that I have bigger dreams to chase, my dreams. But you know what I realized, I can't. I can't forget the pain. I can't forget them. It hurt. And it still does. 

I lost.

She won.

I was thinking of making a oneshot based on Secret as a sequel. Tell me what you think :)

And notice the names at the top left, see how it went from formalities, to friendly, to nicknames and went back to formalities?